brokenamy Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Even though, I have only posted here yesterday (in distress), I have been browsing this forum for a while now. I have read great advice and it is helping me get myself back and move on but still with hopes to reunite my family someday soon. (It's so hard when the whole time I am with my kids, they ask about their dad). My husband and I have been separated for 6 months. At first, he pursued me relentlessly and the less space he gave me to find myself, the more, I ran from him. Two weeks ago, I wake up and realize that we can still make things work with help and dedication. I tell him so. That's when things change. Suddenly, he is confused and scared. Finally, I find out that he has been seeing someone for the last 3 weeks and he sleeps at her house most of the time (she is 6 years younger than he is and has 2 kids. she came out of an abusive relationship a year ago) I try not to be mad and be there for him. I try to make him understand that I am waiting for him and pick up when he calls, call him sometimes and text back and forth. I think I am making a huge mistake by thinking this is gonna get me my husband back. he asks if im seeing anyone and who people have tried setting me up with and he seems happy when I tell him no one (it's the truth) I want to establish no contact and live my life without him but we have 2 kids. please help me, please advise me as to how to show him that I can move on without him and that time is running out on him to make a move to win me back? I am ready to take any ideas you guys have. Be blessed!
Ronni_W Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Hi amy. It's very difficult, I know. As you say, it is impossible to go 'no contact' when there are children involved. But you might want to consider LC (limited contact) ... start limiting your communications with your estranged husband to only the kids and practical/financial matters. If he asks about your personal life, just say it is off-limits given the current circumstances. Do not ask about his and interrupt him if/when he starts telling you about it. You could say you wish him well but no longer feel that his personal life is your business. By setting and maintaining boundaries around your interactions, you will clearly be letting him know that you are making new decisions and growing stronger. It is as much for you to start to become emotionally self-reliant and break free from unhealthy emotional attachments and behavioural patterns. In any case, as long as you are feeling needy-desperate, your words, tone and actions will reflect that -- and I doubt that's a message you want to be sending out. Certainly you cannot really get mad at your estranged husband, but that does not mean that you have to be supportive of everything he does, either. Which is another reason to restrict the type of communication you engage in with him -- you also don't want to be perceived as unfriendly or insecure. Honestly, I would not be focusing on trying to manipulate or "scare" him into thinking that "time is running out for him" to win you back. To me, your much wiser plan of action will be to simply start doing, being and acting exactly as you would if you knew for 100% sure that he is NOT coming back. Pretend that is the case and then ask yourself, "What would I do first?" And just do that one thing. "And next?" And then do that. And so on. One step at a time. If one of the steps is seeking individual counseling, then do it. You can only send out consistent, believable messages that you are moving forward and time is running out for him when you are actually actively engaged in the process of moving forward. Be authentic about it. Rather than trying to show him that you can move on, just start the process -- he will catch on much faster when you are "walking your talk", as the saying goes. At which point, if he decides to come back, excellent. You will have gained esteem, confidence and self-reliance. And if he chooses to not reconcile...then you will still have your esteem, confidence and self-reliance, and also be well on your way to moving forward without him. Two weeks ago, I wake up and realize that we can still make things work with help and dedication. The thing about relationships/marriage is that you cannot unilaterally decide such a thing for the both of you. He gets to determine his own abilities and limits, if or not he wants to make things work, if or not he wants help, if or not he wants to dedicate himself to trying to rebuild the marriage. Your desire and commitment is not going to be enough. He may decide that he does not want to put in the necessary work; he may decide that he is ultimately going to be happier out of the marriage. It is not going to be wise or helpful to ignore the possibility. Putting all or most of your focus and energy on trying to get him to choose what you want him to choose is not what I'd suggest that you do, amy. I know it's really, really difficult. Hugs.
carhill Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 'Guy's' take: They're 'our kids'. IMO, estranged but married parents dating other people is not a shining example. In fact, most LS women counsel never dating a married/separated/newly divorced man (I will add 'or woman' for 'equality') Get some MC or file for divorce. There's no way to 'get him back' other than him wanting to be married to you on mutually agreeable terms. It doesn't matter whether you file for divorce or not. Divorce is just a lawsuit to end a legal partnership. If you want to 'not be a doormat', filing is the best way to show that, along with living your life in a healthy way as an autonomous person. We went through MC first, before filing, but YMMV. Each M is different. If nothing else, MC could help you with divorce, custody and parenting issues. Good luck and welcome to LS
giovanniazael Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Even though, I have only posted here yesterday (in distress), I have been browsing this forum for a while now. I have read great advice and it is helping me get myself back and move on but still with hopes to reunite my family someday soon. (It's so hard when the whole time I am with my kids, they ask about their dad). My husband and I have been separated for 6 months. At first, he pursued me relentlessly and the less space he gave me to find myself, the more, I ran from him. Two weeks ago, I wake up and realize that we can still make things work with help and dedication. I tell him so. That's when things change. Suddenly, he is confused and scared. Finally, I find out that he has been seeing someone for the last 3 weeks and he sleeps at her house most of the time (she is 6 years younger than he is and has 2 kids. she came out of an abusive relationship a year ago) I try not to be mad and be there for him. I try to make him understand that I am waiting for him and pick up when he calls, call him sometimes and text back and forth. I think I am making a huge mistake by thinking this is gonna get me my husband back. he asks if im seeing anyone and who people have tried setting me up with and he seems happy when I tell him no one (it's the truth) I want to establish no contact and live my life without him but we have 2 kids. please help me, please advise me as to how to show him that I can move on without him and that time is running out on him to make a move to win me back? I am ready to take any ideas you guys have. Be blessed! Well, the best thing to do in your case is to have a talk with him telling him how you feel. Tell him how you feel about him and the whole situation. Words held within have no value and shoulda choulda woulda is what we tend to say later on down the line. After you telling him how you feel, you should tell him you'd rather not communicate with him and that when he is ready he knows where home is. After that, you continue living on with you kids and he'll feel left out. By you telling him that you are not involved(too much information), he feels like he still has time, but when he doesn't know what is going on in you life and you guys aren't speaking then he can only assume the worse. In your situation, what someone doesn't know sometimes hurts. I really wish you the best with your family. If you ever have any questions, please, don't hesitate to ask. Best wishes to you!
Author brokenamy Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 I want to thank all of you for your advice. Since the last time I posted here, I went in the ER and found out I was starving, dehydrated and I have a hernia. He didn't come see me but he called and made sure I was OK. My BFF who is also his cousin called and yelled at him about her not standing by and watch me die and that she would push me into going out and dating others (he was angry at her for saying that). So for the last 3 days, I have not called him and he calls me. He has said he misses me and he asked if he wasn't invited to our "movie night" (me and the kids still do that) I have decided not to call or contact him or discuss what or who I am doing (joke- I am not looking to date yet) I think by moving on for real, for real, I will be less occupied with him and if he really wants us, he'll run ack if not. Anyone here looking for a date, lol! Please keep advising me?
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