joeLove Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I'm in my late 30s, divorced with no kids. Never wanted to have kids. Met this woman that is a couple of years younger than me. She has two children. We share a common social circle and have a lot of friends in common and I have even met her kids at some social function... Recently, I have entertained the idea of asking her on a date and maybe dating her... My question is, what are the things to look for, when dating someone with children. I'm aware, it brings its own sets of challenges... Just want to have an idea about the things i might be expecting.
Tim The Enchanter Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Don't expect to be the most important thing in her life. Don't expect to be able to see her whenever you want to.
MrSnufkin Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Personally I am due to marry a mum of 2 next month and must admit that the relationship we have had (whilst often testing) has been the most fulfilling I have ever had. The difference being that I have always wanted a family. I guess it boils down to whether you simply don't want kids of your own, or if you have a general dislike of children. If it's the latter then you need to stay well out of it, as its not just your life you would be gambling with, and if you are not 100% committed to all 3 of them then they are going to get badly hurt sooner or later. All the best
smartblonde Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I'm a single Mom and to be honest, I take a look at all the guys I date and try and figure out if they would be good around my kids (in the long term). If they want to be a part of my life, they're going to be a part of my kids' lives as well. I'm a package deal. If you're not interesting in having kids in your life, don't waste your time and hers. Move on.
CuriousQDe Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I'm a single Mom and to be honest, I take a look at all the guys I date and try and figure out if they would be good around my kids (in the long term). If they want to be a part of my life, they're going to be a part of my kids' lives as well. I'm a package deal. If you're not interesting in having kids in your life, don't waste your time and hers. Move on. Agree. Don't get involved with the kids until you know this relationship could go the distance, if that's what you want. And don't waste her time. Odds are, she is looking for husband and father material, even if she won't admit it. The good thing about dating a single mother is that we've loved and lost and learned. You get the benefit of this experience, but treat em wrong and you've made them all the more bitter for the next man. Be honest about your intentions at all times. Clearly there are some ground rules: she can't drop everything and go out whenever; overnighting is a no-no; she's tired a lot (if she looks well put together on your dates, she has pulled off a miracle--compliment her on it often); there's an ex who may not be happy about your presence in his kids' life if it gets that far; when you get introduced to the kids as mommy's special friend, expect hesitation from them and to be watched like a hawk by her; and by all means, do not think she is desperate.
milkmaterial Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 well 1) its more stable , not a lot of mind games (or none at all)compared to adventurous, single girls who can live life carefree 2) its more serious, shes not playing u (i mean in contrast to single girls) 3) it feels fulfilling if the kids like u, if they dont, well it might come as a challenge to u..i just hope she raised them well to be respectful 4) it all boils down to this anyway so why not go for it i know most tips given to u were slightly negative, but i give u the ones most people overlook.
BentSpine Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Watch out for over compensating:If she suddenly feels highly motivated to find a stable man as a role model for her kids, as opposed to unreliable previous partners, there's the risk that she could be sweeping low chemistry issues under the rug. And if she doesn't have the hots for you, she will cut off the sex once the ring is on the finger. I'd say treat her well but don't marry her because you will never be part her nucleus family as long as the kids live at home.
janie423 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 as long as you don't mind taking second place behind the kids you should be okay . . .
Author joeLove Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Thanks a lot for all your responses. Very good information to chew on. Her kids are 13, 16 years old. We have been sharing the same circle of friends for the last 3+ years. I have to admit my thoughts of having kids has evolved a little bit ...At some point i was totally against it, but recently I have been more open to the idea...
smartblonde Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Interesting piece of advice...if the kids are "brats" or you don't agree with how they are raised/disciplined...how does that influence the relationship with the parent?
janie423 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Thanks a lot for all your responses. Very good information to chew on. Her kids are 13, 16 years old. We have been sharing the same circle of friends for the last 3+ years. I have to admit my thoughts of having kids has evolved a little bit ...At some point i was totally against it, but recently I have been more open to the idea... don't know how this contributes to compatability but whatever . . . and these are not your kids, these are someone else's kids - that fact will never change no matter how "evolved" your feelings toward kids have become . . .
Engadget Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I find women with kids are more of a pain than they're worth, not always but usually. 1. Many have the father, usually an ex still in the child's life. This can create problems if said ex is a jealous SOB. 2. Can't just go anywhere. My friend had a kid last December, and now when we party they always leave early or just can't go. 3. Trying to get intimate with kids around just isn't fun. 4. Unless she really wanted kids, it shows she wasn't careful enough to make sure it didn't happen.
janie423 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I find women with kids are more of a pain than they're worth, not always but usually. 1. Many have the father, usually an ex still in the child's life. This can create problems if said ex is a jealous SOB. 2. Can't just go anywhere. My friend had a kid last December, and now when we party they always leave early or just can't go. 3. Trying to get intimate with kids around just isn't fun. 4. Unless she really wanted kids, it shows she wasn't careful enough to make sure it didn't happen. and I would add that it shows she wasn't selective enough to pick a dad that would stay around . . .
Engadget Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I want to add that I don't mean to sound disparaging towards those with children, it's just my experience with it.
carhill Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 OP, if you and she got on, would you want to have a child with her? TBH, and I dated a fair amount of single mothers over the years, I just couldn't resolve the priority disparity, in that they wanted to be my priority but I was prioritized behind their and their children's priorities. This was nearly uniformly true of the 20's/30's ladies I dated. I now understand it as incompatibility but it was frustrating back then, and I did want children. I was role-modeled by two parents who priortized their marriage over my role in the family and, to me, that's healthy, so the funny feeling in my gut during those experiences was telling me something was off for me. Hope things work out for you
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