He cheated on me, I'm in so much pain I can't stop crying..

[Lovelymisa]

Background: I have been with my boyfriend for 2.3 years. We are very serious and have been talking about marriage. The first 1.3 years we were living together in Spain (his country). I moved over there to be with him and I have no friends and family there. I however had my own issues of jealousy, insecurities due to my past that I had to deal with and I basically made him very miserable. I was very controlling and always needed to know where he was at all times. He isolated himself to make me feel better so for this time it was just me and him, no friends, no family, ect. He'll go to work and comes straight home to me. He has always been very loving and understanding, always trying his hardest to help me with my issues. But it wasn't how it should be, I need to help myself. We finally agreed for me to move back to the states to deal with my issues on my own.

 

I left for California on June-10-2009 and we have been doing LDR for 11 months and some days now. He keeps constant contact with me, emails me every single day for the whole duration of our LDR, we skype for 1.5 hours everyday due to our 9 hours time difference. Even with the distance, I would still try to control him. I wouldn't let him go out for drinks after work, or hang out with his friends. I would always pick a fight with him even though all he is going on is a 3 days business trip. I am not a bad person, I am just so scared to lose him. I wanted to make sure my past would not repeat itself and I got carried away. I know that I slowly was pushing him away. Despite him always letting me have my way, I know his resentment towards me were building up more and more everyday.

 

Finally April-08-2010 we got into a huge fight because he started to want to hang out with his friends. Since he has lost all of his friends, the only "friends" he has now are co workers. This time he was determined not to give in to me. The fight was so bad that it ended in him breaking up with me. This is when I realized I am about to lose the love of my life and I did a complete turnaround. I don't know how I did it, but I changed completely..from the worse girlfriend to I can almost say the perfect girlfriend. Too little too late maybe?? I became very understanding, supportive and trusting. I told him to go out with his friends, I want him to be happy and to come home to me. All I wanted was to love him and for him to love me. He could not fathom how I can change like that, he was thinking in his mind that I'm probably just trying for a week or so and I'll resume back to my normal crazy self next week. The next day which was Friday April 9th he went out with his co-workers at 5pm when they got off work, and in the begining of the night he emailed me constantly to assure me everything is fine. Then for the next 20 hours nothing. I didn't hear from him until 3pm Saturday. He told me he was allergic to something during dinner and was in the hospital. He was still too upset with me from our fight the night before that he didn't even think to contact me to let me know. I believed every word.

 

Now every Fridays he starts to stay for drinks after work and then go out to clubs until early Saturday morning. He would call me when he is on his way home and we'd skype until he gets tired and falls asleep...then a repeat on Saturday. The weekdays we skype everyday like normal. It has been like that since April 2010. I know his reason for going out so much now is because he never did in 2 years and he desperately needed to feel like he can.

 

But something changed after the fight we had. He was cold and distant. I guess after 2.3 years of controlling him and pushing him, I finally went too far. April 20th he suggested we take a break, he is too confused and he doesn't know what he wanted. I was devastated. Just as I am perfect now to him, he doesn't think he wants me anymore??? I cried and begged him to not take this break since we both agreed that I would come back to Spain June 2010. He told me he still loves me but he's not sure if he wants me to come back to Spain and he's not sure if he wants to start fresh with me given we have so much negative history. But finally he decided that he still wants me in his life but to not pressure him right now and give him some space for his heart and mind to heal from all the hurt I've caused him in the past. I have never cheated on him but what I did was just as bad I suppose.

 

Now here is the current situation:

 

My boyfriend just came to me and told me that his heart and mind is clear now, he loves me and wants to be with me. He wants me to come back to Spain in June and we shall start fresh and soon have our wedding. But he needs to let me know that he has cheated on me during his "confusion" period. So April 8th was the day I drastically changed after 2.3 years because we had that blowout fight and April 9th was the night he cheated on me with one of his co-worker named Charlotte. That was the night that he first started to go out and also the only night that he didn't contact me for 20 hours claiming he was hospitalized for an allergic reaction. It turns out after the bars and clubs were closed this night, he went to her house and there they had sex. He told me she gave him a BJ and he used a condom with her, but his guilty mind would not allow him to reach orgasm so in the end he didn't cum.

 

Charlotte is a co-worker and is in his groups of friends, so after this night, every weekend when he goes out she was always there. They had sex together only that one night, but for 2 weeks after he tried to get to know her more because she was the complete opposite of me, she was fun, easygoing, party girl whereas i was the jealous insecure innocent girl. Charlotte is social and outgoing jusrt like him. They kissed on many other occasions with tongue and all. He said he had many chances to come back to her house for sex again but he never did. He said he was using her to see if he loves me or not and if he still wanted to be with me. He needed to be with someone else to know if he still wanted me. So their "affair" lasted April-09-2010 until April-24-2010 which was the last day that they kissed. And on May 8th which was 4 days ago was when he told her straight out that he loves his girlfriend (me) and it sickens him to ever think to leave me for someone like her and he made a horrible mistake. She was upset but told him she was fine with that because she was not interested in a relationship with him either. So they are back to being just friends now. She is in his group of friends, so she's always going to be around.

 

He told me his mind is very clear now, he has never cheated on any girl before and he has made the biggest mistake of his life and sadly it was with me that he made this mistake. He told me he wanted me because i was the opposite of him, he realized he didn't want a girl like him. He asked me for my forgiveness, and that he forgives me for the 2.3 years of hell I've put him through. I know I was a horrible girlfriend to him, He never got to be himself around me before, but I never wanted to hurt him on purpose. I was just so scared to lose him, to have him cheat on me and my worse fear in the end came true...possibly because of my fear in the first place is why it came true. I have never cheated on anyone and I am very loyal. He told me there is no more confusion on his part, he wants me, he loves me, period. Now all of the friends, male or females are just friends. If he goes out it is only for enjoying times with friends. When I come back to Spain he said he will introduce me to everyone, including Charlotte. He said he wants to take me everywhere with him, introduce me to everyone, he will love me and kiss me in front of Charlotte he has nothing to hide. He even changed his job for a better one and now he will be working at a new company come June as well, so he would not be seeing these "friends" everyday in work anymore. He said he has been so good to me for the 2.3 years of which I was not good to him, so if we can just flush all of this like a bad nightmare down the toilet and to start fresh. He told me he is 28 now almost 30, he was only confused and made a mistake. He has never cheated before and is not going to start cheating now at 30.

 

I really do believe everything he said, he is a good person and I can say I still trust him as he has never done anything ever to hurt me, made tons of sacrifices for me and i'm sure he wouldn't have cheated on me now had i not pushed him away. I honestly do forgive him as I feel that I've been the one who pushed him slowly to what happened. I do want to go back to Spain June-2010 and start over and to meet his friends... I'll be polite and civil to Charlotte but I will never be friends with someone who can sleep with another person's boyfriend. I don't hate her because I know it takes two to tango and it hurts me so much to think of what happened.

 

Now I really need advice on how to forget. I forgive, but I can't seem to forget. It is a hard pill to swallow. I keep wanting to bring it up, ask more questions (i've already asked many questions and received all the answers i could possibly need) but i'm wanting to ask in details like what happened the night they were intimate...was she a good kisser, did she give a good bj...did she have a nice body...what positions were they in ect... i don't know why I'm wanting to know the details i'm going crazy.

 

I haven't asked him these questions, I won't...but i can't help but think of them alot. To him we are okay, he knows i forgive him, we are moving on and we flushed all of this down the toilet already. But to me, this lingers on inside my mind.........and it hurts.

 

 

Please help..... I am so sorry for the length and thank you so much for taking the time to read about my situation..

[Bejita463]

Now I really need advice on how to forget. I forgive, but I can't seem to forget. It is a hard pill to swallow. I keep wanting to bring it up, ask more questions (i've already asked many questions and received all the answers i could possibly need) but i'm wanting to ask in details like what happened the night they were intimate...was she a good kisser, did she give a good bj...did she have a nice body...what positions were they in ect... i don't know why I'm wanting to know the details i'm going crazy.

 

You don't forget. If you've really forgiven, you're going to have to stop bringing it up eventually though, or you'll push him away again. Not saying it has to be this second, but don't think it can continue forever. It can't.

 

Side note: It's cool he came clean, but I don't buy his version of the events at all.

[Miad's Princess]

I am sorry you are hurting....

 

I read you wrote on april 8th the friday he broke up with you and it was the same night he started something with charlotte, so did he cheat or had you really broken up?

[Lovelymisa]

I am sorry you are hurting....

 

I read you wrote on april 8th the friday he broke up with you and it was the same night he started something with charlotte, so did he cheat or had you really broken up?

 

April 8th was Thursday and we got into the biggest fight of our relationship because I wanted to stop him from going out Friday..and he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to break up with me. But because I kept crying and pleading for one last chance because i finally saw the light and it hit me so hard that I am in the wrong, that he did not. April 9th was Friday and he went out since he finished work 5pm to 3pm Saturday... I think he started something with Charlotte this night and went back to her place early Saturday morning.... He did cheat because he didnt break up with me in the end...but he used the reason of our fight as the straw the broke the camel's back and he just did not believe that i was going to change...he was thinkin really hard to break up with me even though he didn't In the end he came back to me now because I've shown him that I've changed, and he realized Charlotte was not better than me. Still...So sad =(

[torranceshipman]

Look if you guys love each other, start afresh, move over to Spain and start over. LDR's are brutal, you just need to look at the LDR section to see all the heartache!-and they will never be without difficulties. I think in this case you need to step back and see the bigger picture - you battled to stay together and now you have a last chance to go for it. Learn from both of your mistakes and plan a happy life together in Spain!

[Reality Drip]

I agree with some comments above here. Last chance to make this stick. If you can't make it all work on this next round then bail.

 

You honestly need to get a hold of yourself and realize that humans are humans and pets are pets. It's ok to be a little jealous and possessive; it can be cute, but just KNOW that it's going to take its toll on any man you're with.

 

He may not crack next month or next YEAR but if you continue to crowd him and keep a short leash he's going to lash out one day again and taste the sweet nectar of freedom.

 

-Max

[LSNoob]

What he did was bad and immoral. But in a way he didn't really cheat.

He prob told you he not gonna break up with you on 8th of April just so you stop begging him, but like you said it was kinda too late he wanted to move on.

 

But after he saw how you really did change, he is now regretting his decision and wants to continue with you. That's why he came honest about it very early to let you know, he didn't even want you to move to Spain first then tell you, which makes it more of a difficult situation for you since you are in a foreign country.

 

He seems like a nice man, he stuck with you through tough times for quite some time, and never gave up on you until that fight occurred. He could prob regretting the fact that he "gave up on you" after making it this far, all that time and effort he consumed into this relationship, its all wasted. Gutted >.<

 

I would prob say, his faithfulness and loyalty been perfect. That night on the 9th of April, that was prob just his guards were down, he was "single" in his mind. So I would go with the others who say give it a second chance,and you really need to start trusting your significant other. So what if last relationship failed? you shouldn't just hide and be scared, should always move on and try on to the next until you find the one for you. That's called living life, and right now you are scared of living your life.

 

Lastly, stop being insecure he obviously in love with you and loves you for who you are. There is always someone for everyone and he could be the one for you. Wish you the best of luck. =)

Edited May 27, 2010 by LSNoob
spelling check

[missfrenchie]

Lovelymisa...

 

I'm really sorry that you are feeling this. I understand where you're coming from - I've been there myself. Technically, you were broken up. And sometimes we do really stupid things that make us realise what we actually have.

 

The only advice I have for you is to not ask questions. Honestly, take it from someone that knows. I was with my ex for almost 4 1/2 years and he cheated after about 3 years of us being together. I stayed for another year and a half. That entire time, for me was completely miserable. And it was ME that made sure it was. I couldn't stop asking questions and each time I found out more, I became even more resentful and bitter which in turn made me want to probe into it more and more.

 

It seems near impossible to do, but if you really believe your boyfriend and believe that you both belong together, you'll stop asking questions and just get on with your life, with him. What you do need to be careful of is your jealousy. This doesn't give you the right to go back to how you were before. Jealousy is like poisen and IT WILL eat at you if you let it. Your boyfriend needs to be mindful of how you are going to be feeling, but just try to be fair to him too...

 

I wish you the absolute best. You sound like a lovely girl. I really hope it all works out for you...

[stace79]

Honestly I would not recommend you moving overseas to be with this guy, and do NOT get married.

 

How old are you both? You sound extremely young and inexperienced. It also sounds like you need to learn to love your life SINGLE before you can make anyone else happy or add to his life in a relationship.