Perhaps Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 2:40 am and I can't sleep. Lately, she's been in my dreams and I don't like it. My situation is different from most people's - I was the dumper who went back. I still don't fully understand why I broke it off but instead of finding excuses, I'll accept the blame and admit that I lost feelings. I know it sounds horrible and I feel just as horrible knowing I did it. I always used to hear about people breaking up because they lost feelings and I used to despise them, thinking, "How do you just... lose feelings?" Well, I learned my lesson the hard way. To this day, I think about it everyday... how did this happen to me? I loved this girl very much - back in high school, she got drunk with her friends and dumped me for a month (I had to go to prom alone) 'cause she wasn't "sure about me". I took her back when she decided she felt sure - that's how much I loved her. Then, after a year and a 2 months, I broke it off 'cause it just didn't feel the same. I don't know how I could love someone so much and then feel nothing. Obviously, my decision hurt her. A year after leaving her, I realized what I'd done and spent another year being her safety net while she took advantage of my guilt and regret. She started drinking and smoking pot. I remember one night I went clubbing with her (I hate clubbing but went just for her). She got drunk and started grinding up on some guy until I pulled her back and when I got mad, she told me I ruined her night. Eventually, I couldn't take it and implemented NC. She started dating a guy soon after we broke up and ended up having sex with him. When she told me about that, it killed me. I know it's none of my business what she did when I was the one who left her, but I always thought of her as an innocent girl and for some reason, it Really hurt. I don't get it - how could I love someone So much, then feel nothing and then feel like I made a mistake by leaving. It's killed my confidence, not to mention my life under a dark cloud of guilt and regret for how I hurt her when I broke up. I'm 20 now and I started dating her when I was 17. I guess I was naive and thought I had love figured out. I just didn't want to hurt anyone else while I figured out what love really is, though I am paying for it now. I don't want to turn out to be a guy that never got over *that girl* but it seems to be heading that way. It bothers me to this day that I didn't know what I really wanted. It bothers me that I may have made a mistake. It just bothers me that I hurt someone I loved at some point. It bothers me that everyday, I ask myself what made me make the decisions I made. I can't cope.
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