NeptunedN Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Long story short, I fell for someone who wasn't over their ex-wife. I had no indication of that at the time (he told me it was done a while ago, already moved on, they were only friends, had rebounds already, etc), until I found out he secretly started dating her as a result of her getting jealous of me, and him getting jealous of her new man. Well, surprise, it didn't work out with them (he's the one who dumped her/asked for the divorce).So after trying to work through it, something was amiss, he confesses they are talking again. Sigh..... On a sidenote, I NEVER would have gotten invovled had I known any of this was going on. I cannot compete with an ex-wife(or the length of the marriage) nor would I attempt to ever do so, that bond is too strong. I'm so hurt/angry for the obvious reasons (looks like I was a rebound, which he kept denying). I've gone NC, which was easy since I never heard from him again. The first weeks were hell. After the first month, much better, and here I am 2 months+ and it's worse. I know bumps in the road are going to happen but I just can't seem to move past it. I journal, I'm seeing a therapist, tried getting out and meeting new people, new activities, none of it's working. Where do I go from here? I look at the calendar and think it's been at least half a year, but it's only 2 months!! I'm so depressed and now I'm not taking care of myself, no motivation whatsoever. I just feel so used, emotionally....when does it stop hurting or what does it take to get out of this funk?
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 (. . .) I just can't seem to move past it. I journal, I'm seeing a therapist, tried getting out and meeting new people, new activities, none of it's working. It's a question of attitude. if you're keeping a journal, or seeing a therapist, or trying to get out to meet new people and doing new activities because you're trying to get over him - then it won't work. What you should be doing is keeping a journal, seeing a therapist, getting out and meeting new people, new activities - because you're moving on, enjoying a new life, finding a new and improved you, and leaving the past nehind. What do you write in your journal? How depressing is it to review all the pages you've written so far? because sometimes, keeping a journal, keeps you stuck exactly where you are. What do you speak to your therapist about - what fun you want to have? What life you want to create for yourself? or do you focus on how bad this has made you feel? because if you do that, that's exactly where you'll stay. In your bad feelings. Emotions are vital, and they need to be respected and felt. But the stories we build up around them are fabrications. They simply weave a web of deceit around the main factor, and build up this impenetrable shell, until we don't know what's real, and we don't know what we've made up, any more.... Where do I go from here? I look at the calendar and think it's been at least half a year, but it's only 2 months!! I'm so depressed and now I'm not taking care of myself, no motivation whatsoever. I just feel so used, emotionally....when does it stop hurting or what does it take to get out of this funk? The facts are that you went out with a guy who seriously misled you about his emotions. Probably because he didn't understand them himself. He was completely and utterly confused. Nobody in his right mind does something so brainless as what he did. That's the fact. decide now, what kind of emotional baggage you've loaded that reality up with, and start picking it to bits by finding its opposite. Feeling used emotionally is something you've decided was happening. His intentions (whilst self-serving, without a doubt) were not to intentionally hurt, use or abuse you. That's just the way his misguided actions manifested. but they're not accurate. Unless, he told you he was using you, quite deliberately, and confessed you were nothing but a prop, then "Feeling used" is a construct you have added. do you see what I mean about us building up a scenario until it's bigger and more powerful than we are? because that's what you have done to this situation. You've given it power, and made it bigger than you. Consider a helium balloon, with a sweetie attached to the string.... Now consider the hot-air balloon with the basket underneath.... Really, they're two versions of the same thing.... You need to bring your hot-air balloon down a size or two....
Author NeptunedN Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Thank you TaraMaiden, I felt like that was great advice (with substance, not just, "oh you'll get over this") and you gave me a new perspective on this. I really have constructed this scenario and thanks for turning my head into a direction! Off to pick through the baggage!
pgummins Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 It's a question of attitude. if you're keeping a journal, or seeing a therapist, or trying to get out to meet new people and doing new activities because you're trying to get over him - then it won't work. What you should be doing is keeping a journal, seeing a therapist, getting out and meeting new people, new activities - because you're moving on, enjoying a new life, finding a new and improved you, and leaving the past nehind. What do you write in your journal? How depressing is it to review all the pages you've written so far? because sometimes, keeping a journal, keeps you stuck exactly where you are. What do you speak to your therapist about - what fun you want to have? What life you want to create for yourself? or do you focus on how bad this has made you feel? because if you do that, that's exactly where you'll stay. In your bad feelings. Emotions are vital, and they need to be respected and felt. But the stories we build up around them are fabrications. They simply weave a web of deceit around the main factor, and build up this impenetrable shell, until we don't know what's real, and we don't know what we've made up, any more.... The facts are that you went out with a guy who seriously misled you about his emotions. Probably because he didn't understand them himself. He was completely and utterly confused. Nobody in his right mind does something so brainless as what he did. That's the fact. decide now, what kind of emotional baggage you've loaded that reality up with, and start picking it to bits by finding its opposite. Feeling used emotionally is something you've decided was happening. His intentions (whilst self-serving, without a doubt) were not to intentionally hurt, use or abuse you. That's just the way his misguided actions manifested. but they're not accurate. Unless, he told you he was using you, quite deliberately, and confessed you were nothing but a prop, then "Feeling used" is a construct you have added. do you see what I mean about us building up a scenario until it's bigger and more powerful than we are? because that's what you have done to this situation. You've given it power, and made it bigger than you. Consider a helium balloon, with a sweetie attached to the string.... Now consider the hot-air balloon with the basket underneath.... Really, they're two versions of the same thing.... You need to bring your hot-air balloon down a size or two.... Thanks for writing this, any further advice? What you wrote is what I have been doing. I've got involved in so much etc, but its done no favours for me really. I haven't got over her.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Sheesh, I should get paid for this.....! :laugh: If it's any further help, this is something I had to come to terms with myself. Building the dramatic scenario around the simple fact, was a thing I was very prone to doing. Reading the words I write might have sounded like I was trivialising your situation, had you been any more emotionally fragile. I come across as a mean, hard 'tell-it-like-it-is' b!tch, sometimes. but sometimes, there is no other way of telling it. And I really don't take people's pain lightly. I really do care. but I hate to see people 'stuck' with one foot metaphorically nailed to the floor... I ended up ceremonially burning my journals in a bonfire in the garden, and watching the smoke and ashes take all that negativity and make it disappear in a breeze. It was very cleansing. I never wrote another thing after that. I'm not suggesting you either should or need to do that. but that's what I meant about being kept stuck by what we write. Keep well, stay well and hopefully, you won't need therapy for too much longer......
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Thanks for writing this, any further advice? What you wrote is what I have been doing. I've got involved in so much etc, but its done no favours for me really. I haven't got over her. Then the next question you need to ask yourself is why you insist on holding on to it. If you have been doing everything I've written, and you're not moving on - Then there is something you are doing to stop yourself from moving on. It all begins in our head, with what we tell ourselves. Catch that thought. The one that steers you downwards, instead of onwards. Identify it. Recognise it. And countermand it, as soon as you realise what you're doing to yourself. It's called 'self-sabotage' and what it does is validate our pain. If we permit ourselves to move on from the pain, we believe it invalidates our feelings and the effort we put into the relationship. It makes us mistakenly believe that what we did was insincere. It trivialises our earnest intention to give it our best shot. So, rather than celebrate the good aspects of the relationship, how it shaped us, how it made us a better person - we choose to descend to a level of despair, denial and we degrade our sincerity. Once you realise that you're keeping yourself deliberately (albeit unconsciously) in a state of despair - then you can be vigilant, spot the culprit thinking, and stop self-sabotaging.
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