BF broke up with me..Should I stop talking to him?

[josyjosy]

WARNING: SUPER LONG

 

My bf and i broke up almost 3 months ago. We were together for 2 years and we were happy and inseparable. Everyone thought of us as the perfect and happy couple- college sweethearts. We def were happy together and were perfect for each other. We've had our problems but we would be able to talk it out and resolve them.

 

The biggest blow came early January when i got jealous with a girl. This is a whole new story but I did have a reason to get jealous. Even my bf (now ex) knew that. He didn't cheat on me. Anyway, we fought about the girl but we were able to resolve that. Being the paranoid and insecure girl that I am, i kept asking my bf about the girl everyday. I didnt know that by doing that, i was pushing him away. I really didnt know. Worse part came when i found out the girl has a crush on my bf. I felt the need to control the situation. Biggest mistake of my life. I told my bf not to talk to her, message her, and etc. I knew it was wrong to control his actions. But what was i supposed to do at the time? I was scared. We've been fighting a lot about it and he told me that he wants to bring back the trust and he wants to do it on his own. So i told him "fine, talk to the girl if you want, do whatever you want. I trust you and its all up to you now." Whenever we're not fighting, everything's normal.

 

A lot more happened in between, so I'll fast forward it (Everything happened within a month though). One day, he was sick and i came to visit him. I knew something was wrong. Then he started crying and said that he feels so lost. He said that he's torn between me because he loves me and the single life because a part of him wishes that he's single again. I tried talking to him about it and telling him that we could change things and do things differently. But never in the 2 years of our relationship did i control what he has or wants to do. Not until the later part when the girl came into the picture. Even then the only part i controlled is him not talking to her. But i never stopped him from hanging out with his friends or partying, thats why i was so confused. Then he told me that he loves me and cares about me but the feeling of being IN LOVE with me is going away. He said that the romantic love is going away. He said he's not excited anymore when he sees me and that he feels empty. I was so hurt and all i could do is cry and tell him to not give up yet, to try to fight it.

 

After that talk, he broke up with me two days after and I knew i had to let him go because im not gonna force someone to be with me. In the relationship, we became bestfriends and we decided we wanted to stay friends. I had no idea it would be this hard. Everyday he would text me to ask me how i am or how my day is. Everyday he would ask me to eat out for lunch. It does make me happy to see him and talk to him but I am hurting. After the break up, I never really texted him first anymore. I think I did about twice but that's it. I did beg him to come back shortly after the break up but realized that if he wants to be with me, i dont have to beg. So whenever we see each other, I just try to enjoy his company. But its getting harder and harder each time. Im trying my best to just be friends but it's hard. The reason im still trying is that, i keep telling myself "id rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. that maybe i can do it. maybe i can be his friend even if its hard."

 

I just want him to give us another chance. I know i made some mistakes and he had his own share of mistakes as well. It's so hard to accept that just like that, everything that we had for two years is gone? I dont understand. Worse part is, i cant help but blame myself. I just want him to try one more time because the entire time he was dealing with this, he was fighting it by himself when I didnt know that his feelings were changing. He didnt even give us a chance to fight this together. He did it on his own and told me about it when he was on the edge of giving up.

 

We are each others' first love. He was my first boyfriend and first in basically everything. I was also his first serious relationship (2nd girlfriend though).

 

Now I know I have to make a decision whether or not i want to remain friends even though it's hard. Or i should just completely stop communicating with him. We've talked about this before and he said that whatever i decide on doing that he'll respect that. Ive been so much more emotional lately. I think it's also coz of the fear of the possibility that he'll start developing feelings for that girl. I dont know if he likes her but I do know they talk once in a while. I know it would kill me to see him with another girl. It would be ten times worse if its with that girl. That feeling of "any girl but her"

 

I really dont know what to do. I know that deep down inside me, part of the reason why i want to stop communicating with him is that i want him to miss me. I want him to realize that he lost something too. I know i should be doing it for myself but i cant help but feel that way. I want him to come back but I know that he has to do it in his own will. Im so confused.

 

Please help me. I dont know what to do. Should I stop talking to him and seeing him for now? Do feelings really just go away like that? Do we really not have any more chance?

Edited May 13, 2010 by josyjosy

[lvixen]

Unfortunately falling out of love happens. I don't think it had to do with your jealousy of that other girl. There are many reasons why someone would fall out of love but sometimes there is no reason. As you well know you can't control how someone feels. I know you're in love with him but he isn't in love with you anymore so now you have to move on. It's hard when you love someone but they don't love you back, been there, done that, most of us have.

 

But, quite frankly, you remaining in contact with him will only hurt you more than help you in the long run. He is texting you daily maybe because he feels guilty or he wants to keep you around just in case he does want you back in the future. Either way, it's unfair to you. You deserve a clean, fresh start with your life. I know what its like when you love someone and you'd rather have them as a friend than nothing at all. That's how I felt after my ex broke up with me. I stayed in contact for 4 months after the breakup. I still clung to some hope that we'd get back together. I never had the chance to move on. The breaking point for me was when he told me he was in love with this girl. I decided then to break off all contact with him. Do you really want to stay friends with him only to hear somewhere down the line that he is seeing someone or that he's in love with someone who is NOT you? IGNORANCE IS BLISS! Do NOT be friends with him until you're over him. Cut off all contact NOW so you can begin to heal. That means no texts, emails, phone calls or lunches. You will continue to hurt as long as you remain friends with him.

 

Good luck.

[giovanniazael]

WARNING: SUPER LONG

 

My bf and i broke up almost 3 months ago. We were together for 2 years and we were happy and inseparable. Everyone thought of us as the perfect and happy couple- college sweethearts. We def were happy together and were perfect for each other. We've had our problems but we would be able to talk it out and resolve them.

 

The biggest blow came early January when i got jealous with a girl. This is a whole new story but I did have a reason to get jealous. Even my bf (now ex) knew that. He didn't cheat on me. Anyway, we fought about the girl but we were able to resolve that. Being the paranoid and insecure girl that I am, i kept asking my bf about the girl everyday. I didnt know that by doing that, i was pushing him away. I really didnt know. Worse part came when i found out the girl has a crush on my bf. I felt the need to control the situation. Biggest mistake of my life. I told my bf not to talk to her, message her, and etc. I knew it was wrong to control his actions. But what was i supposed to do at the time? I was scared. We've been fighting a lot about it and he told me that he wants to bring back the trust and he wants to do it on his own. So i told him "fine, talk to the girl if you want, do whatever you want. I trust you and its all up to you now." Whenever we're not fighting, everything's normal.

 

A lot more happened in between, so I'll fast forward it (Everything happened within a month though). One day, he was sick and i came to visit him. I knew something was wrong. Then he started crying and said that he feels so lost. He said that he's torn between me because he loves me and the single life because a part of him wishes that he's single again. I tried talking to him about it and telling him that we could change things and do things differently. But never in the 2 years of our relationship did i control what he has or wants to do. Not until the later part when the girl came into the picture. Even then the only part i controlled is him not talking to her. But i never stopped him from hanging out with his friends or partying, thats why i was so confused. Then he told me that he loves me and cares about me but the feeling of being IN LOVE with me is going away. He said that the romantic love is going away. He said he's not excited anymore when he sees me and that he feels empty. I was so hurt and all i could do is cry and tell him to not give up yet, to try to fight it.

 

After that talk, he broke up with me two days after and I knew i had to let him go because im not gonna force someone to be with me. In the relationship, we became bestfriends and we decided we wanted to stay friends. I had no idea it would be this hard. Everyday he would text me to ask me how i am or how my day is. Everyday he would ask me to eat out for lunch. It does make me happy to see him and talk to him but I am hurting. After the break up, I never really texted him first anymore. I think I did about twice but that's it. I did beg him to come back shortly after the break up but realized that if he wants to be with me, i dont have to beg. So whenever we see each other, I just try to enjoy his company. But its getting harder and harder each time. Im trying my best to just be friends but it's hard. The reason im still trying is that, i keep telling myself "id rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. that maybe i can do it. maybe i can be his friend even if its hard."

 

I just want him to give us another chance. I know i made some mistakes and he had his own share of mistakes as well. It's so hard to accept that just like that, everything that we had for two years is gone? I dont understand. Worse part is, i cant help but blame myself. I just want him to try one more time because the entire time he was dealing with this, he was fighting it by himself when I didnt know that his feelings were changing. He didnt even give us a chance to fight this together. He did it on his own and told me about it when he was on the edge of giving up.

 

We are each others' first love. He was my first boyfriend and first in basically everything. I was also his first serious relationship (2nd girlfriend though).

 

Now I know I have to make a decision whether or not i want to remain friends even though it's hard. Or i should just completely stop communicating with him. We've talked about this before and he said that whatever i decide on doing that he'll respect that. Ive been so much more emotional lately. I think it's also coz of the fear of the possibility that he'll start developing feelings for that girl. I dont know if he likes her but I do know they talk once in a while. I know it would kill me to see him with another girl. It would be ten times worse if its with that girl. That feeling of "any girl but her"

 

I really dont know what to do. I know that deep down inside me, part of the reason why i want to stop communicating with him is that i want him to miss me. I want him to realize that he lost something too. I know i should be doing it for myself but i cant help but feel that way. I want him to come back but I know that he has to do it in his own will. Im so confused.

 

Please help me. I dont know what to do. Should I stop talking to him and seeing him for now? Do feelings really just go away like that? Do we really not have any more chance?

I understand exactly how you feel and you are right, when he is ready to come back, he'll come back. There is never a need to chase because one cannot force someone to be with them or else it'll just be forced and may not even work out in the long run. It's never easy to see someone you love in another light other than the one you were accustom to. I'm pretty sure it must hurt you to be around him, accepting the fact that he is no longer your man. I know that you'd rather be his friend then have nothing at all, but reality is, you need to heal sweetie and it will be very hard to do so having him around. It can take a toll on you emotionally as I'm sure it has. You should sit down and have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. A lot of people blame themselves for a break up, but is it really worth it? Not at all! There are valid reasons to break up and there are petty reasons that we come to realize later in our lives. You have to start living for you now. He gave you up so why should he be given the privilege of hanging out with you? I'm not saying not to be there for him, but he has to understand that things cannot be the same as before. By being around him, you help him get over the relationship while you get left with the pain all by yourself. You're staying around with the hope of a second chance but you leaving him alone actually betters those chances. The only thing you can do now is learn from your experience and find the value within you which will in turn help you move forward. If you need anything advice on this matter feel free to send me a post or a message. I'd be too happy to share my opinion on this matter. Best of luck!

[Ilovecake]

First of all if you are in a relationship with someone and somebody comes into the picture that gives you that gut feeling of having bad intentions listen to it, your intuition is usually right. You have every right to ask your boyfriend to not hang out with that person. If you are important to your boyfriend he would gladly oblige your request.

I am however sensing that you are very insecure since you are completely blaming yourself for this break up. I think the fact that you are so self deprecating and unsure of yourself would be a lot more damaging to a relationship then your request for him not to hang out with a girl who's trying to come between you two. After all she had feelings for him, he is in a committed relationship he should not be talking to her. He left because he wanted to not because you made a simple request you had every right to make.

The longer you keep in contact with him the harder it will be. Imagine how you will feel when he starts dating, if he hasn't done so already. Do you really want to be his buddy for that? Think about if you want to hear about his dates and the first kiss and so on, because that's the stuff friends talk about.Being his friend is not going to make him come back to you. If he wanted to be with you he already would be. You need to realize that your relationship is over, stop being a doormat to this guy because that will not make him respect you, get your act together and start taking care of yourself and stop worrying about some jerk who selfishly dismissed you as his girlfriend.

 

By keeping contact with you after breaking up with you the message he's giving you is you're not good enough to be his girlfriend, he's pretty sure there is someone better out there for him but if that doesn't work out he would be happy to keep you on the back burner. Do you really want to be that second choice person? Nobody in the history of relationships broke up with someone because they wanted to be single for a while. i want to be single for a while means I want to date other people. I bet he's dating that girl.

 

BTW I'm a 39 year old woman with a lot of experience in relationships, I've had a few. My last one ended like yours. I caught him talking to some girl, he denied anything was going on, told me I'm jealous and paranoid, dumped me to be "single for a while". Guess who he's marrying in a few months. THAT GIRL!

Edited May 14, 2010 by Ilovecake

[josyjosy]

I understand exactly how you feel and you are right, when he is ready to come back, he'll come back. There is never a need to chase because one cannot force someone to be with them or else it'll just be forced and may not even work out in the long run. It's never easy to see someone you love in another light other than the one you were accustom to. I'm pretty sure it must hurt you to be around him, accepting the fact that he is no longer your man. I know that you'd rather be his friend then have nothing at all, but reality is, you need to heal sweetie and it will be very hard to do so having him around. It can take a toll on you emotionally as I'm sure it has. You should sit down and have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. A lot of people blame themselves for a break up, but is it really worth it? Not at all! There are valid reasons to break up and there are petty reasons that we come to realize later in our lives. You have to start living for you now. He gave you up so why should he be given the privilege of hanging out with you? I'm not saying not to be there for him, but he has to understand that things cannot be the same as before. By being around him, you help him get over the relationship while you get left with the pain all by yourself. You're staying around with the hope of a second chance but you leaving him alone actually betters those chances. The only thing you can do now is learn from your experience and find the value within you which will in turn help you move forward. If you need anything advice on this matter feel free to send me a post or a message. I'd be too happy to share my opinion on this matter. Best of luck!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and for your advice. I have decided that I really do have to say goodbye to him. I just don't know when to do it. This weekend I talked to him, got a little bit emotional because I dont know if Im doing the right thing. I talked to him but we didnt really have much time. All I said is that, "next weekend might be the last time that you'd see me." He didnt really react but all i could see in his face is that he is super stressed. I got kind of annoyed because when he broke up with me, he didnt exactly do it at the best time (2 weeks before finals and we both almost failed school dealing with this) and so I felt like I know this isnt the best time for him either because I do know that hes been so much busier with school now more than ever but what am I supposed to do? Wait till he finishes everything he has to do with school? So i talked to him and i was crying. He was getting teary eyed as well. He asked me to dinner later that night coz he has a play to go to and said that we'd talk more then. When we met up for dinner I asked him how much time he has because i dont want to start saying everything that i have to say and then get cut off again because he has something to do. Turn out, he really does and has a group project to do and have to get everything done by 12 am. I knew it wouldnt be the best time to tell him everything because i want to be able to have as much time as i want and get everything out. I was gonna do it this weekend but i also know that he has a video project due on Monday and so I thought probably wouldnt be the best time either. So I dont know what Im going to do. Should I just force it and talk to him this weekend or should i just wait till school is over (which is in about 2 weeks) and summer's coming where we both wont see each other since hes going home and im staying to take summer school?

 

Should I completely as in completely tell him to never talk to me again until im ready? Or should i atleast leave my doors when he does want to contact me? If so, how should i tell him in such a way that he'd take it as me wanting some space and not talk to me everyday but at the same time, i want to let him know that if he really needs me that im still here for him? Kind of a dumb question. I dont even know why im asking it.

 

When we talked, i did feel really bad. He seemed lost and confused. He truly does seem pressured and stressed out with school work plus the fact that we're graduating soon and grad school applications are gonna be next in line. He said that when we were together, he spent as much time with me because he wants to be with me. He said he didnt slack off with school but it did get affected. He said that now we're not together anymore, he wants to really focus on school completely and raise his GPA before its too late. He said im still the biggest person in his life, not as big but still the biggest person in his life. He said that we both dont know where we are at right now and how to handle this because this is the first time that we're both going through a break up (since he didnt feel anything when him and his first gf broke up). I feel that talking to him more make him realize that the break up is the right thing to do. I dont know why I cant let it go. I know i will do the no contact thing soon and it scares me. Im so confused. I still dont know whats happening to us. Do you think there really is no more chance?

 

 

 

Unfortunately falling out of love happens. I don't think it had to do with your jealousy of that other girl. There are many reasons why someone would fall out of love but sometimes there is no reason. As you well know you can't control how someone feels. I know you're in love with him but he isn't in love with you anymore so now you have to move on. It's hard when you love someone but they don't love you back, been there, done that, most of us have.

 

But, quite frankly, you remaining in contact with him will only hurt you more than help you in the long run. He is texting you daily maybe because he feels guilty or he wants to keep you around just in case he does want you back in the future. Either way, it's unfair to you. You deserve a clean, fresh start with your life. I know what its like when you love someone and you'd rather have them as a friend than nothing at all. That's how I felt after my ex broke up with me. I stayed in contact for 4 months after the breakup. I still clung to some hope that we'd get back together. I never had the chance to move on. The breaking point for me was when he told me he was in love with this girl. I decided then to break off all contact with him. Do you really want to stay friends with him only to hear somewhere down the line that he is seeing someone or that he's in love with someone who is NOT you? IGNORANCE IS BLISS! Do NOT be friends with him until you're over him. Cut off all contact NOW so you can begin to heal. That means no texts, emails, phone calls or lunches. You will continue to hurt as long as you remain friends with him.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks dear. That must be really painful to go through. Seeing someone you love, in love with someone else. And that is the scariest part for me. I really do not want to wait for that time to come because i know it's gonna kill me. To be honest, i feel that part of the reason why i still keep seeing him is that until now even if im not exactly his first priority anymore, i seem to still be his first choice when it comes to hanging out. Im so scared that once I go away, obviously he would start hanging out with other people. More chance for him to hang out with that girl. I know theres nothing i can do to stop that. I dont know how to stop thinking that way.

 

First of all if you are in a relationship with someone and somebody comes into the picture that gives you that gut feeling of having bad intentions listen to it, your intuition is usually right. You have every right to ask your boyfriend to not hang out with that person. If you are important to your boyfriend he would gladly oblige your request.

I am however sensing that you are very insecure since you are completely blaming yourself for this break up. I think the fact that you are so self deprecating and unsure of yourself would be a lot more damaging to a relationship then your request for him not to hang out with a girl who's trying to come between you two. After all she had feelings for him, he is in a committed relationship he should not be talking to her. He left because he wanted to not because you made a simple request you had every right to make.

The longer you keep in contact with him the harder it will be. Imagine how you will feel when he starts dating, if he hasn't done so already. Do you really want to be his buddy for that? Think about if you want to hear about his dates and the first kiss and so on, because that's the stuff friends talk about.Being his friend is not going to make him come back to you. If he wanted to be with you he already would be. You need to realize that your relationship is over, stop being a doormat to this guy because that will not make him respect you, get your act together and start taking care of yourself and stop worrying about some jerk who selfishly dismissed you as his girlfriend.

 

By keeping contact with you after breaking up with you the message he's giving you is you're not good enough to be his girlfriend, he's pretty sure there is someone better out there for him but if that doesn't work out he would be happy to keep you on the back burner. Do you really want to be that second choice person? Nobody in the history of relationships broke up with someone because they wanted to be single for a while. i want to be single for a while means I want to date other people. I bet he's dating that girl.

 

BTW I'm a 39 year old woman with a lot of experience in relationships, I've had a few. My last one ended like yours. I caught him talking to some girl, he denied anything was going on, told me I'm jealous and paranoid, dumped me to be "single for a while". Guess who he's marrying in a few months. THAT GIRL!

 

Thank you! So many times I want to take im out of my life already. I still get hurt because of him and id think "why am i letting this guy hurt me even more than he already did?" Right then i want to tell him so bad and be like "just get out of my life" but once i have the time to calm down, im back to how i always am and talking and hanging out with him again. How did you do it? How were you able to manage not talking to your ex anymore?

[giovanniazael]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and for your advice. I have decided that I really do have to say goodbye to him. I just don't know when to do it. This weekend I talked to him, got a little bit emotional because I dont know if Im doing the right thing. I talked to him but we didnt really have much time. All I said is that, "next weekend might be the last time that you'd see me." He didnt really react but all i could see in his face is that he is super stressed. I got kind of annoyed because when he broke up with me, he didnt exactly do it at the best time (2 weeks before finals and we both almost failed school dealing with this) and so I felt like I know this isnt the best time for him either because I do know that hes been so much busier with school now more than ever but what am I supposed to do? Wait till he finishes everything he has to do with school? So i talked to him and i was crying. He was getting teary eyed as well. He asked me to dinner later that night coz he has a play to go to and said that we'd talk more then. When we met up for dinner I asked him how much time he has because i dont want to start saying everything that i have to say and then get cut off again because he has something to do. Turn out, he really does and has a group project to do and have to get everything done by 12 am. I knew it wouldnt be the best time to tell him everything because i want to be able to have as much time as i want and get everything out. I was gonna do it this weekend but i also know that he has a video project due on Monday and so I thought probably wouldnt be the best time either. So I dont know what Im going to do. Should I just force it and talk to him this weekend or should i just wait till school is over (which is in about 2 weeks) and summer's coming where we both wont see each other since hes going home and im staying to take summer school?

 

Should I completely as in completely tell him to never talk to me again until im ready? Or should i atleast leave my doors when he does want to contact me? If so, how should i tell him in such a way that he'd take it as me wanting some space and not talk to me everyday but at the same time, i want to let him know that if he really needs me that im still here for him? Kind of a dumb question. I dont even know why im asking it.

 

When we talked, i did feel really bad. He seemed lost and confused. He truly does seem pressured and stressed out with school work plus the fact that we're graduating soon and grad school applications are gonna be next in line. He said that when we were together, he spent as much time with me because he wants to be with me. He said he didnt slack off with school but it did get affected. He said that now we're not together anymore, he wants to really focus on school completely and raise his GPA before its too late. He said im still the biggest person in his life, not as big but still the biggest person in his life. He said that we both dont know where we are at right now and how to handle this because this is the first time that we're both going through a break up (since he didnt feel anything when him and his first gf broke up). I feel that talking to him more make him realize that the break up is the right thing to do. I dont know why I cant let it go. I know i will do the no contact thing soon and it scares me. Im so confused. I still dont know whats happening to us. Do you think there really is no more chance?

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks dear. That must be really painful to go through. Seeing someone you love, in love with someone else. And that is the scariest part for me. I really do not want to wait for that time to come because i know it's gonna kill me. To be honest, i feel that part of the reason why i still keep seeing him is that until now even if im not exactly his first priority anymore, i seem to still be his first choice when it comes to hanging out. Im so scared that once I go away, obviously he would start hanging out with other people. More chance for him to hang out with that girl. I know theres nothing i can do to stop that. I dont know how to stop thinking that way.

 

 

 

Thank you! So many times I want to take im out of my life already. I still get hurt because of him and id think "why am i letting this guy hurt me even more than he already did?" Right then i want to tell him so bad and be like "just get out of my life" but once i have the time to calm down, im back to how i always am and talking and hanging out with him again. How did you do it? How were you able to manage not talking to your ex anymore?

Noooooo sweetie. Never is such a big word. Times like this you have to look deep within and find the value in you. What I'm saying is when you have come to know your value as a person, you no longer fear losing the person you love because deep down inside you'll come to realize that there is no other woman like you and even if there may be other good ones, none of them can do the things you do the way you do them and it's the way you did things that made your boyfriend initially fall for you. Don't ever think you are the only one hurting in a break up. Whether it be now or later, the other person will always experience hurt. Like my ex "mother in law" told me, let time do it's work. When you believe in the power you possess as a woman then you never fear losing a man, you only fear that he doesn't regret the decision he's made because sooner or later, it'll click to him. Last but not least, we all know that there's nothing really good out there. Sometimes it's good that person you love go out there and experience for himself while taking a risk of losing you of course because when he returns he will only value you more to realize how pitiful he was. Move on sweetie and focus on you because at the end of the day the world doesn't stop and think about one lost soul. Look yourself in the mirror and smile and do whatever you have to to keep that smile from fading away. I know times like these are never easy but it brings out the best in all of us. ; ) Something tells me, you're going to be just fine.