she's leaving, what do I do?

[aeriapha]

I have been lurking here for awhile but never posted before, as this whatever-it-is that I'm involved in is still really new for me. We've only known each other 4 months and been physical for the past 6 weeks so our "affair", if it can be called that, was still in its (wonderful) infancy.

 

I liked everything the way it was. After not hearing from him for a few days (which was weird, so I called him) I find out that his wife is leaving (for reasons completely unrelated to me, who she doesn't know about) and taking their child. He is totally crushed, and hearing the pain in his voice practically killed me. In fact I am getting upset all over again just typing about it.

 

I realize that this is mostly the opposite of a lot of the threads on here - his marriage is ending and I am completely devastated because I care about this person deeply and can't stand seeing him in anguish. Because everything was so new and fresh, I have no idea what role I am supposed to play in this - should I try to be there for him? Leave him alone? Our affair was still in its formative stages so I feel that I might be overstepping my bounds if I expect things to carry on as before. At the same time, I fear that this might end things between us before they ever really began. It was clear from speaking with him that he didn't really want to talk and was massively upset. I have no idea what to expect out of this, has anyone EVER had anything even remotely similar before?

 

I would pretty much do anything to help him through this - hell, I would do anything to make her stay if that's what he wants - but apparently she is not happy and wants to go.

 

I just literally can't stand seeing him like this, it hurts

[whichwayisup]

It's very possible she found out about the affair and that's why she's leaving him. Remember, you're only going to hear ONE side of things.. His side. Also, it should be pointed out that he chose to cheat on her, so obviously at the time he was cheating on her he didn't care too much about his wife and family life.

 

We've only known each other 4 months and been physical for the past 6 weeks so our "affair", if it can be called that, was still in its (wonderful) infancy.

 

You haven't invested that much time in him, known him for 4 months (which isn't that long to really "know" someone well) and the affair has been going on for 6 weeks.

 

If he is that devastated about his wife leaving, taking their child, then you need to leave him alone. He is probably feeling extremely guilty now, and has had second thoughts about you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it seems you didn't care much about the status of their marriage when entering the A. Or think that she may find out (one day) about it. Now that things have gone south, you feel bad? Want to do anything to help them stay together? Maybe you aren't meaning to come off a certain way, I'm sure you care, but again, starting an affair with a MM, what were you looking for? Just fun and light hearted moments? No strings? Affairs hurt innocent people.

 

My guess is, there's alot more to this than he's letting on. She may have had suspicions and maybe someone saw him with you, confirmed it.

 

Focus on yourself and let him be. You don't want to become his shoulder/therapist during this time. Or be his ego feed either.

[bittersweet memories]

I have been lurking here for awhile but never posted before, as this whatever-it-is that I'm involved in is still really new for me. We've only known each other 4 months and been physical for the past 6 weeks so our "affair", if it can be called that, was still in its (wonderful) infancy.

 

I liked everything the way it was. After not hearing from him for a few days (which was weird, so I called him) I find out that his wife is leaving (for reasons completely unrelated to me, who she doesn't know about) and taking their child. He is totally crushed, and hearing the pain in his voice practically killed me. In fact I am getting upset all over again just typing about it.

 

I realize that this is mostly the opposite of a lot of the threads on here - his marriage is ending and I am completely devastated because I care about this person deeply and can't stand seeing him in anguish. Because everything was so new and fresh, I have no idea what role I am supposed to play in this - should I try to be there for him? Leave him alone? Our affair was still in its formative stages so I feel that I might be overstepping my bounds if I expect things to carry on as before. At the same time, I fear that this might end things between us before they ever really began. It was clear from speaking with him that he didn't really want to talk and was massively upset. I have no idea what to expect out of this, has anyone EVER had anything even remotely similar before?

 

I would pretty much do anything to help him through this - hell, I would do anything to make her stay if that's what he wants - but apparently she is not happy and wants to go.

 

I just literally can't stand seeing him like this, it hurts

 

If it's not your affair she found out about maybe he's had other affairs she learned about.

[whichwayisup]

If it's not your affair she found out about maybe he's had other affairs she learned about.

 

Exactly.

 

How long has he been married and how old is he?

 

Spouses don't just up and leave like that without a good reason. And, take the kids too. Trust me, she has found out about the affair. (s).

[LostMe]

It's not fair to assume this affair, or any affair, has ended their marriage. Marriages end for plenty of reasons and there were obviously cracks in theirs for him to stray it the first place. Affairs can be as much as a symptom that something is wrong as they can be a cause.

 

But i agree that if you care about him you will leave him alone. Let him know you are there if he needs you but he will be too upset to deal with your situation or take care of any of your needs right now. You've not known him that long and you don't want to become nothing more than a counsellor to him as he works through it all. If it's meant to be it will happen for you two when the time is right, which isn't now. Hugs.

[joey66]

Rule #1 for the OW/OM - The MM/MW's marriage is his/her issue, stay out of it. It's his mess, let him clean it up.

[aeriapha]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate everyone's perspective although I am definitely not here to debate the morality (or immorality) of getting involved with a married man. I wasn't "looking for" anything...it just happened. I don't think it could be said that I either cared or didn't care about the state of their marriage - I care about him and his happiness, whatever that entails. So I feel like talking about what my motives were in getting involved in the first place is not really pertinent to the issue.

 

I'm certain that she didn't find out about me - he seemed genuinely confused when I asked whether it had anything to do with that, and said something like "of course not". There is noone else and I do believe this because he's been *extremely* honest with me from the get-go. Whatever their issue is, it clearly precedes me "appearing on the scene", so to speak.

 

I just want to know what the best course of action is now. The consensus seems to be to leave him alone, which is fine if that is the best thing to do. I just wonder if there's any hope that I'll hear from him again once his life settles down a bit.

[scatterd]

Cheaters are liars and Maybe when you are the next one sitting in his wifes shoes you will really know what pain is.You have no idea on the role you are playing on breakig up a marriage.Back off now because your going to be hurt

he might try to work it out witch alot do then your dumped.Run I found out my husband is cheating and people are up in the night if they think its the wife its clled you deal and I will do what I want.

[joey66]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate everyone's perspective although I am definitely not here to debate the morality (or immorality) of getting involved with a married man. I wasn't "looking for" anything...it just happened. I don't think it could be said that I either cared or didn't care about the state of their marriage - I care about him and his happiness, whatever that entails. So I feel like talking about what my motives were in getting involved in the first place is not really pertinent to the issue.

 

I'm certain that she didn't find out about me - he seemed genuinely confused when I asked whether it had anything to do with that, and said something like "of course not". There is noone else and I do believe this because he's been *extremely* honest with me from the get-go. Whatever their issue is, it clearly precedes me "appearing on the scene", so to speak.

 

I just want to know what the best course of action is now. The consensus seems to be to leave him alone, which is fine if that is the best thing to do. I just wonder if there's any hope that I'll hear from him again once his life settles down a bit.

 

You will hear from him again. 99.99% chance. The surprising bit would be if you didn't hear from him again.

 

While you won't get any lectures from me about the morality of EMRs, I do have a problem when I hear " ... it just happened." Maybe the attraction to each other just happened, but pursuing it was a conscious choice. Having sex was a conscious choice. I'm not saying they were wrong choices, only you can decide that. But it didn't just happen.

 

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

[aeriapha]

You will hear from him again. 99.99% chance. The surprising bit would be if you didn't hear from him again.

 

While you won't get any lectures from me about the morality of EMRs, I do have a problem when I hear " ... it just happened." Maybe the attraction to each other just happened, but pursuing it was a conscious choice. Having sex was a conscious choice. I'm not saying they were wrong choices, only you can decide that. But it didn't just happen.

 

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

 

Thanks joey You're right of course, it didn't just happen completely independently of my actions. I am not trying to absolve myself of any responsibility by having said that (as I'm sure it must sound). I suppose I just mean that I never in a hundred years imagined myself getting involved with a married guy and when I found myself being attracted to one it seemed strangely right somehow. I did not feel guilty then nor do I now. I think I am different than most people in that I don't really equate love with "ownership" or even monogamy, and I don't believe that humans are necessarily naturally monogamous creatures. If we were there wouldn't be a whole forum devoted to this. Anyway, not to get off topic. You are right, it was a choice. At this point I most certainly don't feel like it was a bad one.

 

At any rate, thanks very much for your input, it's a relief to think that if I wait this out it will get better and he'll be OK at some point

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks joey You're right of course, it didn't just happen completely independently of my actions. I am not trying to absolve myself of any responsibility by having said that (as I'm sure it must sound). I suppose I just mean that I never in a hundred years imagined myself getting involved with a married guy and when I found myself being attracted to one it seemed strangely right somehow. I did not feel guilty then nor do I now. I think I am different than most people in that I don't really equate love with "ownership" or even monogamy, and I don't believe that humans are necessarily naturally monogamous creatures. If we were there wouldn't be a whole forum devoted to this. Anyway, not to get off topic. You are right, it was a choice. At this point I most certainly don't feel like it was a bad one.

 

At any rate, thanks very much for your input, it's a relief to think that if I wait this out it will get better and he'll be OK at some point

 

 

You're right. It is a choice that many of us make. This forum exists because there are those out there who could care less that others make that choice. So ignoring it because it doesn't fit into their moral compass causes problems for all involved, thus the need for support on all sides.

[2sure]

If its true that his wife left him for pre-existing reasons, not the the affair...they must be prettty compelling reasons for her to leave the home with the children. Most wives would have asked him to leave, especially if the intention is divorce, and because there are children.

 

Sounds like your 4 month relationship came at just the right time for a marriage in trouble and for a vulnerable family. Many people have exit affairs.

 

I would step back and out unless you want to be part of the shyte storm that is divorce. If it all goes through, you can see if he and you are really sincere when he is in better shape.

[CrayonAngel]

We see on here everyday that no one ever leaves or divorces over infidelity (okay maybe a few) she discovered something bad enough for her to walk out with her son. Do you really want to be next in line? He probably has a double life oops I mean triple life that she is discovering. I've been there and the first thing on your mind is ruuuuunnnn! Do you really want a man who sleeps with other women behind his wife's back? I don't think he is worth your time or worry!

[aeriapha]

The reason she is leaving is because the house was his before they even met, it's not a mutual asset, and she wants to live near her family which is many miles away. I don't think he is a horrible person and that there is some grand and terrible secret, I think that they just aren't really in love anymore. How long do divorces take? I have no experience with this sort of thing...

[whichwayisup]

I don't think he is a horrible person and that there is some grand and terrible secret, I think that they just aren't really in love anymore

 

How do you know for sure? You've only known him 4 months and been in the A for 6 weeks.

 

Not saying he is one, but read up on Narcissists.

 

What if he starts off "nice" and later becomes abusive? What if he was smacking her around..

 

She's found out about you or maybe other affairs. He may feel confused as to why (which means his marriage, in his eyes, wasn't that bad if he can't figure out ONE good reason why she left and took their child). Maybe she hired a PI, maybe a friend saw him with you.

 

You never answered how old he is and how long he's been married. How old is their child?

 

You're choosing to believe every word out of his mouth. Remember he has LIED and betrayed, deceived his wife - The woman he said vows to, the woman who is mother to his child. Don't fool yourself here, you know he's capable of lying, so why wouldn't he lie to you, or omit truths?

[NSGurl]

Aeriapha,

 

At this point, I'm a bit baffled with what you're actually asking for from the posters and what you plan to do with the information you receive. Are you looking for reassurance? Are you open to taking the advice given here and applying it to your situation?

 

It's easy to lose sight of what's best for you when we haul off down the rabbit trail and speculate on morality or why she may have left or what he may need at this time. It's also easy to justify why you may chose one action over another. Much of this is a waste of time, energy and emotion.

 

The only question you need to answer is what would be best for you. The only thing you need to do right now is step back from the emotions so you may answer it clearly.

 

And to answer your last question, depending on the State/Country, divorces can take anywhere from 5 months to ?? years but generally they take about 1-2 years when it involves children. It is then about 2-5 years before a person is ready for a healthy relationship. THAT said, there are the exit affairs, rebound relationships and the 7-10 year marriages.

 

Good luck with everything.

[fooled once]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate everyone's perspective although I am definitely not here to debate the morality (or immorality) of getting involved with a married man. I wasn't "looking for" anything...it just happened. I don't think it could be said that I either cared or didn't care about the state of their marriage - I care about him and his happiness, whatever that entails. So I feel like talking about what my motives were in getting involved in the first place is not really pertinent to the issue.

 

I'm certain that she didn't find out about me - he seemed genuinely confused when I asked whether it had anything to do with that, and said something like "of course not". There is noone else and I do believe this because he's been *extremely* honest with me from the get-go. Whatever their issue is, it clearly precedes me "appearing on the scene", so to speak.

 

I just want to know what the best course of action is now. The consensus seems to be to leave him alone, which is fine if that is the best thing to do. I just wonder if there's any hope that I'll hear from him again once his life settles down a bit.

 

I am sorry but I don't believe that affairs "just happen". That is bull - you took actions. It wasn't as if it was against your will or you didn't know what you were doing. Your actions and choices led you to have an affair. Own it and don't use the "it just happened" excuse. You knew he was married and you didn't care.

 

Thanks joey You're right of course, it didn't just happen completely independently of my actions. I am not trying to absolve myself of any responsibility by having said that (as I'm sure it must sound). I suppose I just mean that I never in a hundred years imagined myself getting involved with a married guy and when I found myself being attracted to one it seemed strangely right somehow. I did not feel guilty then nor do I now. I think I am different than most people in that I don't really equate love with "ownership" or even monogamy, and I don't believe that humans are necessarily naturally monogamous creatures. If we were there wouldn't be a whole forum devoted to this. Anyway, not to get off topic. You are right, it was a choice. At this point I most certainly don't feel like it was a bad one.

 

At any rate, thanks very much for your input, it's a relief to think that if I wait this out it will get better and he'll be OK at some point

 

You have no idea what goes on in their home. You know his side of things. He could have been abusive (verbally, emotionally, physically). The fact that he is so upset about it shows he still loves his wife. I have divorced - I wasn't filled with angst or sadness -- I was filled with relief when I handed him the papers.

 

And most OW use the "I don't believe in monogamy" line to excuse what they do. I have read it on here so many times. Again, cop out. You love him and want him -- so with your line of thinking, if you and he end up together, it would be fine if he cheated on you when he gets bored? You won't have an issue with it because *shrug* you don't believe in monogamy?

 

I guess you haven't met anyone who makes you always want to be loved and cherished by that person. I guess you have not experienced deep, nurturing, caring, compassionate love because at least for me and all my girlfriends who are married, that is the kind of love that binds a marriage. We DO believe in monogamy and we want monogamy. None of us are looking around for a new sex buddy or a new conquest.

 

I hope he takes time to grieve his marriage. It sounds like he is really hurting and needs time -- time without you there waiting for him to be done with it and ready to enter a relationship with you. Then again, you could be the rebound girl, and if that is the case, your heart will get broken even more than it will when he doesn't enter a relationship with you (if that is his decision).

 

My advice -- leave him alone. He knows how to get a hold of you but right now, he is broken by the ending of his marriage. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but from what YOU have written, that is what it sounds like to me.

 

And FYI - just because she has left he house doesn't mean she isn't entitled to it. She may make him sell it. Most US states (if you are in the US) are community property states...what mine is yours and whats yours is mine. Depending on where they live, the divorce can take anywhere from a few months to over a year. Where I live, if the couple has children, they must be legally separated for a year before filing for a divorce.

 

Last FYI - married men lie. I KNOW you think he is honest with you, but I would bet that he isn't being 100% honest with you. I don't mean to be a downer, but given the fact that he hasn't called you, you had to call him to find out about his wife leaving.....that doesn't sound like a guy who is THAT interested in the mistress. You might have been a distraction for him, but I don't see this turning into a true relationship. Just my thoughts from what you have posted....and from reading several OW forums.

[scatterd]

guess what my husband asked which house I wanted he had the house for a year before .I saw the house and figured it could be improved I and my brother remodeled the home I redid everything including the yard.I worked I contributed and Im on the loan It has been our house For 17 yrs and when we devoice it will be half and half what a jerk you do not know both sides only his.You will be next to be treated and cheated on This is something you know nothing about.Talk to her.

[scatterd]

Go to my post and read it (why does he treat me lke dirt }if you want a person that would do that to you do it.I had no clue we had problems we were in love and he continues to suck me back in but I deserve better.

[Mombot]

We see on here everyday that no one ever leaves or divorces over infidelity (okay maybe a few) she discovered something bad enough for her to walk out with her son. Do you really want to be next in line? He probably has a double life oops I mean triple life that she is discovering. I've been there and the first thing on your mind is ruuuuunnnn! Do you really want a man who sleeps with other women behind his wife's back? I don't think he is worth your time or worry!

 

So no one Ever leaves over infidelity?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why the F are you feeling guilty?? This what YOU wanted...

 

Did you think she would stay if the affair came to light. Some people just doesnt have any tolerance for bullcrap. and if he'll do it to her, he'll damn sure do it to you!

 

But dont worry, it'll be ok. He'll be back at your place again, crying over it im sure.