A lot of 'woe is me' men on LS

[Romance]

I seriously doubt that the women who have been abused by boyfriends or husbands, had no idea that he was capable of doing so. They just ignored the signs until it was too late.

 

As for me not meeting women I connect with. I have met quite a few girls that I have had very deep connects with them. I've had good friendships that only ended because I needed more. It's impossible for me to maintain a platonic friendship with a girl I consider attractive, when I'm sexually frustrated.

 

The only thing I can do now is try to quickly make a physical move to make sure the friendship doesn't go on too long and we both get really hurt when it ends.

 

It still doesn't change the fact that for some men, getting girls might as well be impossible.

 

Love can be blind, those men probably did have their sweet moments of bringing them roses and wooing them. Then the ladies thought they could change these men but anyway, those aren't the circumstances we're working with.

 

I don't think it is impossible. But to each his own.

[TheBigQuestion]

 

If things carry on like this for much longer, I will snap.

 

Just don't shoot anyone, alright George Soldini?

[somedude81]

Just don't shoot anyone, alright George Soldini?

Every once in a while I think of him, and how bad it must have been to actually go that far.

 

I'd never hurt other people in a fit of rage like that, but I can't imagine living the next 10 years as I am now. I'm 28 and starting to wonder if I'll ever make it to 30...

Edited May 14, 2010 by somedude81

[Jerry18]

There's obviously a limit in confidence above which would yield no improvements in dating chances.

 

I am asking every girl I like. I'm sure most guys who post here can easily do that as well. Therefore, to say that "confidence will fix everything" is misleading too.

[Els]

 

It still doesn't change the fact that for some men, getting girls might as well be impossible.

 

Have you NEVER had ANY girl interested in you before? Yes, fat girls, ugly girls, geeky girls... are still considered girls.

 

Also, what is it about yourself that you think is so repulsive to women? Your looks? Career? Height?

[AD1980]

ANother night of me going out and being invisible to women..

 

Im done..Women just arent attracted to me im not gonna waste my or their time..

[Tim The Enchanter]

Every once in a while I think of him, and how bad it must have been to actually go that far.

 

I'd never hurt other people in a fit of rage like that, but I can't imagine living the next 10 years as I am now. I'm 28 and starting to wonder if I'll ever make it to 30...

 

I really do feel you, honestly. You need a mentor who can go around with you, see where you are going wrong and help you make fundamental changes.

 

I'm no Don Juan either. Didn't have a girlfriend throughout school, not even a date or a passionate kiss. I had to wait until University before becoming sexually active and really chasing girls. I met someone when I was 22 and finally thought that I'd bagged my first proper girlfriend - she dumped me within a couple of weeks, and I was absolutely gutted. I went without any physical contact with a girl for six years after that. I know that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.

 

I'm 34 now. I still haven't had a long term relationship, which is what I really want. I can say that I have had girlfriends, however (thank god for internet dating). I'm making small steps, and that's all you can hope for really.

 

I've actually only recently come out of a relationship that last about three months. It's probably been my most significant relationship to date. She even told me she was falling in love with me on two occasions.

 

So that really sucks, but you should know that I was in your situation once. I hated the world and I hated women for rejecting me. But I'm turning it around. If I can, I'm pretty sure you can.

[Tim The Enchanter]

ANother night of me going out and being invisible to women..

 

Im done..Women just arent attracted to me im not gonna waste my or their time..

 

Hey I know that feeling VERY well. When you say you're invisible to these women, do you mean that they don't notice you? I know this is easy to say, but did you actually try to approach and talk to women?

 

There's a golden rule that I like to remind myself of - EYE CONTACT, EYE CONTACT, EYE CONTACT!!!

 

If you walk around a club or bar gazing at your shoes, not only will you not notice that cute girl checking you out, you will also look like someone who lacks confidence and self esteem.

 

Honestly, when I started actively trying to make eye contact with girls, it made a world of difference. My error was that I lacked the nerve (at the time) to follow up on that. That's something I need to work on, but I'm up to the challenge.

 

I've made out with girls on a number of occasions where we said virtually nothing. It was all eye contact, and then BAM.

[Philetus]

Philetus, I wouldn't mind if you did elaborate, because I do find this pretty interesting. I'm certainly not the type of guy that this thread refers to, but I'm always interested in knowing how people overcome their mental blocks and insecurities to become better at dating (and of course, all sorts of other things as well).

 

Growing up, I was somewhat shy in social situations. I didn't believe my opinion mattered or that people were really interested in me or what I had to say. I used humour to ingratiate myself with people, it was all I had going for me. I had friends but I wasn't an instigator, more the follower. I had zero confidence in my abilities. I assumed the things that came easy to me came easy to everyone and the things I "couldn't do" would be beyond my reach forever.

 

My mind set was really - "Nothing ventured, nothing lost". I was terrified approaching women and feared rejection. When I asked women out, it was almost apologetically. "I don't suppose you'd like to have a drink with me". I set myself up for failure. So, of course I failed.

 

I didn't set out to become more confident per se. But, I recognized that I was not happy.

 

I began watching (studying) people I wanted to be like. I had a roommate who was dynamite at attracting women - so I studied what he did. At clubs, I would just watch him and then try to emulate it.

 

I put myself in situations (with women) where I was the most comfortable. I was a horrible dancer so there was no point picking up women in a dance club. I could make people laugh, so I would befriend women first, and grow relationships out of that over time. I was also a talented performer (in theatre school) and I would hit on women who indicated they liked my performance. This led me to hitting on women whom I felt I had more status over, or who were mousy, shy, or introverted. I didn't even look at women who were very attractive. I went for Betty and left Veronica alone.

 

As an adult I began to put myself in situations that were just slightly uncomfortable (managed people, renovated my own house, etc). I took risks. If I failed, it wasn't a huge disappointment but when I succeeded, it gave me more confidence in my regular life.

 

I realized that the things that come easily to me don't NECESSARILY come easy to everyone else. When people complimented me on anything, I listened to it and thanked them. I stopped saying, "It was nothing". I never devalue someone's compliment. I let it feed me.

 

I OWN my accomplishments as well as my failures.

 

In my work, I've become a recognized expert at what I do since I love it so much. People seek me out for my expertise and opinion. Several people I've trained have gone on to very successful careers and many point to me as a key influence. That's pretty empowering.

 

When it comes to dating, I'm expert not only at reading body language but in sending out non-vocal signals. So, when I go to kiss someone I've just met, I already know she's ready for it. If women reject me, I assume it's not because of me.

 

I'm very physically fit - martial arts, tons of cardio, and weights. I feel very good about the way I look. I buy nice clothes that fit. I'm someone I would date if I were a woman.

 

My big paradigm shift in my life went from "Nothing ventured, nothing lost" to "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

[somedude81]

Have you NEVER had ANY girl interested in you before? Yes, fat girls, ugly girls, geeky girls... are still considered girls.

 

Also, what is it about yourself that you think is so repulsive to women? Your looks? Career? Height?

As far as I know, I've had two girls interested in me. Both were about 100lbs heavier than me. One was actually ugly, 7 years older than me at the time, I was 18, and has had a couple of abortions, she also had some mental issues that I can't quite remember. The other girl was my age. She at least had a cute face so we 'dated' (more like made out) for a couple of weeks till she left me for a friend of hers. She was a cutter.

 

As for what I think about myself is repulsive to women. Nothing really. I'm white and only 5'6 so that may prevent women from being physically attracted to me or at least lessen their interest. The next thing may be that I don't have a very flirty personality. Other men seem to be much more comfortable around women than I am. I'm mostly afraid to take risks because I automatically assume women will reject me. When I finally get the courage to show my interest and try to make plans with them, they do end up rejecting me or only offering me friendship.

 

I actually tried to pursue a geeky girl this semester. I thought we were a perfect match since almost all of our interests were the same but she rejected me, telling me that she wasn't looking to date anybody at the time. Of course I know she was really saying, "I don't want to date, you."

 

I really do feel you, honestly. You need a mentor who can go around with you, see where you are going wrong and help you make fundamental changes.

I don't have a clue where to get a mentor.

 

I'm making small steps, and that's all you can hope for really.

 

So that really sucks, but you should know that I was in your situation once. I hated the world and I hated women for rejecting me. But I'm turning it around. If I can, I'm pretty sure you can.

How did you get things started? I can't seem to catch a break at all. I've tried a bit of internet dating in the past but I never got any replies to any of my messages. I'm short and not super good looking so I don't think I really have a chance.

 

I've hated my life, the world, and women for about 8 years now. Of course I don't really hate women but when I'm home alone my thoughts turn very negative. I feel like I'm two different people. When I'm around girls, I'm a really happy guy that has a good time. When I'm by myself I curse God and all his creations.

[phineas]

The reason that there are all these "whiny men" is that for some men it is freaking impossible to attract women. What's even worse is that some men have handicaps that make it even harder.

 

It really shouldn't be this hard to find a girl to date. I'm almost 29 years old and I've never had a relationship with anybody. There is no person alive that would be happy with that.

 

I go to a university that is 60% women. I'm in a Salsa class where the women outnumber the guys 3 to 1 and I still can't get a girl. All I've ever managed to do is become "friends" with a girl every once in a while. I have low confidence so it's hard for me to take risks in actually asking girls out and when I do I'm usually rejected or we have one date then I get the "we can still be friends" line.

 

If things carry on like this for much longer, I will snap.

 

for starters, stop accepting less than you want.

If a woman asks if you can just be friends tell her "no".

 

MOST not all but MOST of the women that use the "friends" line after one date are usually attention whore's that will suck the life out of you.

 

They know you want them & will string you along & use you for favors & basically keep you from finding someone else because they want all your attention for themselves.

 

My philosophy is "I got enough friends"

 

also, practice getting rejected.

I'm almost 40.

I walk up to a woman & say "hi" & introduce myself.

Unless she is just completly clueless, she knows exactly why I came up to her.

Either she wants to talk or she doesn't.

 

If she doesn't I move onto the next one.

 

Now yes, i've had the moments where so many women don't want to talk to me it's like a bad 80's comedy.

 

TRhat's when you just sit back & enjoy a beer or 3 & try again another night.

Edited May 14, 2010 by phineas

[somedude81]

I have never accepted a woman's offer to be just friends. It's just too painful. And that's the reason why I don't have any female friends.

 

My life is actually pretty sad. I put all my effort in trying to get to know girls so I don't even bother talking to guys. I start to get close to one girl and sooner or later she rejects me, then I'm alone again. If I could somehow turn off my sex drive and the need for intimacy, I'd actually have a bunch of female and maybe male friends as well.

[Marek]

There seem to be a lot of guys on here who are overly hung up on things they can't change and determined to prove that these (height, hair colour, being a man) are the reasons why they are single... not that fact that they are for a start negative and clearly lacking in self confidence.(and god knows what else!).

 

Guys make the most of what you've got and then have confidence to be yourself (but not an arrogant a**hole) and you'll have no problems... oh and also if you are interested then just ask her out FFS! Sure she might say no... but really be a man and put yourself out there. I promise if she says no, you won't instantaneously combust!

 

I don't understand why you guys are trying to mind read... everyone has different taste... just ask out women you are interested in, and how about letting them decide if they like you back.

 

(Sorry to the many men on here who aren't like this!)

 

That's great. Confidence is all I need! Brb, I'm trying to get some confidence whilst simutaneously getting shat on by all and sundry. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

[phineas]

I have never accepted a woman's offer to be just friends. It's just too painful. And that's the reason why I don't have any female friends.

 

My life is actually pretty sad. I put all my effort in trying to get to know girls so I don't even bother talking to guys. I start to get close to one girl and sooner or later she rejects me, then I'm alone again. If I could somehow turn off my sex drive and the need for intimacy, I'd actually have a bunch of female and maybe male friends as well.

 

How do you manage to get close to a girl & not be friends with her?

Are you dateing or hanging out?

 

Don't get close to a girl, just ask her out. Dates are how you get to know her, nit being her friend. That's how you get friendzoned.

[phineas]

That's great. Confidence is all I need! Brb, I'm trying to get some confidence whilst simutaneously getting shat on by all and sundry. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

 

I hear ya.

I lived that life in my early to mid 20's.

 

By late 20's I bought a renovation project & forgot women.

Had no interest in them.

I had a house to build.

 

They wouldn't leave me alone.

Seriously.

 

Maybe because I had a purpose?

I owned a house?

I really don't know what it was that made me more attractive.

 

I know I stopped chasing after every tease that winked at me & developed the attitude that they would come to me if they were interested.

 

 

 

Maybe that's it?

[carhill]

Don't get close to a girl, just ask her out. Dates are how you get to know her, nit being her friend. That's how you get friendzoned.

Yes, a fundamental perspective, and healthy one, IMO, is to see the dating process as a parallel building process, both building a friendship *and* sexual/romantic relationship. I all too often let the friendship develop first and, without exception, over generations of doing this, it was/is a fail.

 

A healthy outcome of this is, if red flags (romantic/sexual/emotional) arise early on in the romantic bonding process, there is not the substantial investment in a friendship to throw away when one necessarily must leave an incompatible partner/potential. I'm noting the differences now, dating post-marriage/divorce. Acting in this manner, and believing in the health of those actions, has served to boost confidence, or at least it *feels* that way. Owning one's own romantic/sexual perspective and accepting that others will necessarily have their own path was key in that journey.

 

When I was the age of many of the younger posters here who are 'woe', I was rather 'hey, I'm a good guy; WTF?', meaning more incredulous rather than dejected. Perhaps that's where my anger at women came from, incredulity. Bad mojo, that anger is. They have their path. Just stay off of mine

[brainygirl]

I am reading these posts guys, and I am seeing a lot of negativity towards women. Maybe that attitude is coming through a little in your interactions with them?

 

I know I have female friends who are pissed at all men because of what one or two did, and then they complain about not being able to meet any guys.

 

ITs all in the attitude, and in being willing to try someone out who isn't your absolute perfect ideal.

[Marek]

I hear ya.

I lived that life in my early to mid 20's.

 

By late 20's I bought a renovation project & forgot women.

Had no interest in them.

I had a house to build.

 

They wouldn't leave me alone.

Seriously.

 

Maybe because I had a purpose?

I owned a house?

I really don't know what it was that made me more attractive.

 

I know I stopped chasing after every tease that winked at me & developed the attitude that they would come to me if they were interested.

 

 

 

Maybe that's it?

Nahh, that's not it. I'm just hated by all (yes, not just women) for no logical reason; I'm hated out of prejudice. I'm labeled as a degenerate, stupid loser... when I have never even spoken to these people -- explain the logic in that?

[brainygirl]

Nahh, that's not it. I'm just hated by all (yes, not just women) for no logical reason; I'm hated out of prejudice. I'm labeled as a degenerate, stupid loser... when I have never even spoken to these people -- explain the logic in that?

 

Do you have a job that is more than a minimum wage dead end job? If not, get one. Women with lots going for them don't want to risk becoming someone's sugar mama.

 

Do you have children? If so do you see them? Keep up with support? Have a place with a room just for them? if not, fix that, no woman wants to spend time with a man who isn't taking care of his greatest responsibilities.

 

Do you have your own car (it doesn't have to be super nice) and place to live? No woman wants to be the taxi service or to have to make small talk with the guy's parents or freaky roommate.

 

Are you still young and in collage? If so, get involved with social clubs and activities. Lots of girls join those and there is a high girl to guy ratio.

 

Are you walking around with weird facial hair, wearing ICP tee shirts or WWF tee shirts and bondage pants with clips and starps hanging off them (or some other outward appearance of embracing a counter culture)? Try a more mainstream look. Instead of a pot teeshirt or (my brother's favorite) willie nelson flipping the bird, try a clean pair of medium wash blue jeans with a solid color tee and a nice button down shirt over it. And make sure you smell good, but not too strongly.

 

Do you tend to be cranky, negative, and frowning? Women are intimidated by someone who seems unhappy. Try to lighten up a little (this has actually worked for me because I am not a naturally bubbly person).

 

Are you a normal, flawed human being who only will attempt to flirt with the hottest girl in the room? Women don't like this. the hot ones get tired of it and we less than hot ones hate the constant reminders of how we don't measure up.

 

Is your idea of flirting or approaching women making a lot of sexually charged jokes, comments and innuendo? If so, stop that. Treat women as though they are whole people, not simply orafaces for your penis.

 

This is my best advice for you, I hope it helps.

[Marek]

Do you have a job that is more than a minimum wage dead end job? If not, get one. Women with lots going for them don't want to risk becoming someone's sugar mama.

 

Do you have children? .If so do you see them? Keep up with support? Have a place with a room just for them? if not, fix that, no woman wants to spend time with a man who isn't taking care of his greatest responsibilities.

 

Do you have your own car (it doesn't have to be super nice) and place to live? No woman wants to be the taxi service or to have to make small talk with the guy's parents or freaky roommate.

 

Are you still young and in collage? If so, get involved with social clubs and activities. Lots of girls join those and there is a high girl to guy ratio.

 

Are you walking around with weird facial hair, wearing ICP tee shirts or WWF tee shirts and bondage pants with clips and starps hanging off them (or some other outward appearance of embracing a counter culture)? Try a more mainstream look. Instead of a pot teeshirt or (my brother's favorite) willie nelson flipping the bird, try a clean pair of medium wash blue jeans with a solid color tee and a nice button down shirt over it. And make sure you smell good, but not too strongly.

 

Do you tend to be cranky, negative, and frowning? Women are intimidated by someone who seems unhappy. Try to lighten up a little (this has actually worked for me because I am not a naturally bubbly person).

 

Are you a normal, flawed human being who only will attempt to flirt with the hottest girl in the room? Women don't like this. the hot ones get tired of it and we less than hot ones hate the constant reminders of how we don't measure up.

 

Is your idea of flirting or approaching women making a lot of sexually charged jokes, comments and innuendo? If so, stop that. Treat women as though they are whole people, not simply orafaces for your penis.

 

This is my best advice for you, I hope it helps.

No, that's not it. The problem I have is being judged when these people no NOTHING about me. And I mean NOTHING. They haven't even spoken to me, and they don't know anything about me (other than the malicious slander they heard).

[brainygirl]

well, then you don't want anything to do with them anyway. If its a reputation thing from the past, move. I know it sounds extreme, but I come from a small town and I wouldn't have been able to be happy if I had stayed there.

[Yo-Yo]

Something I notice out here in Hawaii is that there's a huge emphasis on the importance of confidence and macho-ness.....Women go bonkers for a guy who struts around with this supreme sense of confidence....

 

There are lots of guys out here with serious eye-candy on their arms as a result of it....

 

The problem is, these guys are complete and total imbeciles once you get talking to them....No job, no personality, no depth of character or knowledge about anything beyond watching UFC...

 

So, judging a guy on his confidence alone is kind of a bust for women that are looking for anything more than a meat-monster....

 

Strutting around confident and having nothing beyond the surface is a pretty bad pick for a boyfriend, I figure, yet women totally fall for it....

 

Confidence is a great character trait, but it shouldn't be top of the list for women searching for a good guy.

Edited May 14, 2010 by Yo-Yo

[mem11363]

WRT confidence - there is the surface level "projection" confidence some guys pull off like champs. They have a little swagger, know some lines, etc.

 

Then there is the real deal. The confidence that comes from getting really good at something. Could be getting good at conversational skills, or a sport or some workplace talent. THAT confidence is deep and it doesn't wear off like a cheap coat of paint.

 

 

 

There seem to be a lot of guys on here who are overly hung up on things they can't change and determined to prove that these (height, hair colour, being a man) are the reasons why they are single... not that fact that they are for a start negative and clearly lacking in self confidence.(and god knows what else!).

 

Guys make the most of what you've got and then have confidence to be yourself (but not an arrogant a**hole) and you'll have no problems... oh and also if you are interested then just ask her out FFS! Sure she might say no... but really be a man and put yourself out there. I promise if she says no, you won't instantaneously combust!

 

I don't understand why you guys are trying to mind read... everyone has different taste... just ask out women you are interested in, and how about letting them decide if they like you back.

 

(Sorry to the many men on here who aren't like this!)

[rewe4reel]

I have never accepted a woman's offer to be just friends. It's just too painful. And that's the reason why I don't have any female friends.

 

If what you've been doing hasn't been working, you need to change it up. That means you should start accepting womens' offers to be friends with you, even if it doesn't lead to anything romantic. Nothing is wrong with having lots of friends.

 

 

My life is actually pretty sad. I put all my effort in trying to get to know girls so I don't even bother talking to guys. I start to get close to one girl and sooner or later she rejects me, then I'm alone again.

 

Stop focusing on one girl at a time to the exclusion of the rest of the world. You probably have really high expectations of every interaction with a women. You should totally reduce your expectations. You had a thread about going out to lunch. You know what? When you ask a girl out for lunch, it should just be for the sake of the lunch itself.

 

I'm serious. Have fun at lunch. This should be the case for every interaction you have. When you talk to a girl you should just be trying to have an enjoyable friendly interaction in the present moment, even if it doesn't lead anywhere. In fact you shouldn't be trying to lead it anywhere.

 

 

 

If I could somehow turn off my sex drive and the need for intimacy, I'd actually have a bunch of female and maybe male friends as well.

 

 

How do sociable friendly people act? (Not that I'm one myself.) Observe how people like this act: they're outgoing, active, bubbly, tell lots of jokes, energetic, optimistic, and they don't seem to let little things bother them. Probably the opposite of you. You need to start pretending or acting the way these sociable types of people act. You know what I mean: the person who is always telling a lot of jokes, the center of attention. They are always going out somewhere or always instigating a good time.

 

Do an honest assessment. When was the last time you threw a party? Do stuff like that. Buy a bunch of liquor and some munchies, tell everyone they're invited to your personal happy hour. Make a regular thing of it. Listen everyone likes some free booze and munchies. Make yourself the "go to" guy to have a good time.

 

Go to sporting events. Get a couple of extra tickets. Invite a girl you think you might like but if she turns you down, roll with that. Invite someone else, a friend, a relative. Then go out and have a great time at the game, don't fret over the girl turning you down--she's the one who lost out on the good time.

 

You're in a college right? Do they have teams? Start making a point of going to the sporting events of the teams. Even if you don't particularly like those sports. Talk to people you meet randomly, pleasantly, and without ulterior motives.

 

I'll bet you've never done any of this kind of stuff for any sustained period of time.

 

If you want to attract fun people, you have to be a fun person. There's nothing stopping you. Ultimately if you can just concentrate on having some fun in the "now" you will make yourself much more attractive to girls you might like, but you will also expand your social opportunities in general.

 

The coolest most sociable people have lots of female and male social friends and have big networks.

 

It sounds like you are very isolated and you periodically focus your romantic fantasies on people who are basically complete strangers to you or only mild acquaintances. You then spend lots of time building up the courage to even have a modest interaction such as going out to lunch but create a huge amount of unnatural pressure in the interaction thus rendering you unable to enjoy it for what it is.

 

I suggest when you start talking to women, you just talk to them with an intention of simply having a pleasant conversation. I.e. just be friendly. If the impulse strikes to ask them to lunch (because you're hungry or whatever) just ask them. If they go fine if not also fine, go eat lunch with someone else or by yourself. If they go to lunch with you enjoy the lunch and exchange unoffensive pleasantries. If you sense a little bit of interest you can tiptoe into a little flirting such as "Would you like some hot sauce on your taco?" with a wicked smile. (Well maybe that's a little risky.)

 

If you want to hang out with a girl, then by all means hang out with her. If you don't, don't.

[Engadget]

Yes, a fundamental perspective, and healthy one, IMO, is to see the dating process as a parallel building process, both building a friendship *and* sexual/romantic relationship. I all too often let the friendship develop first and, without exception, over generations of doing this, it was/is a fail.

 

A healthy outcome of this is, if red flags (romantic/sexual/emotional) arise early on in the romantic bonding process, there is not the substantial investment in a friendship to throw away when one necessarily must leave an incompatible partner/potential. I'm noting the differences now, dating post-marriage/divorce. Acting in this manner, and believing in the health of those actions, has served to boost confidence, or at least it *feels* that way. Owning one's own romantic/sexual perspective and accepting that others will necessarily have their own path was key in that journey.

 

When I was the age of many of the younger posters here who are 'woe', I was rather 'hey, I'm a good guy; WTF?', meaning more incredulous rather than dejected. Perhaps that's where my anger at women came from, incredulity. Bad mojo, that anger is. They have their path. Just stay off of mine

 

I would agree that being friends first does make a relationship tough, however it doesn't preclude a sexual relationship. I've had a few sexual relationships arise from friendships.