A lot of 'woe is me' men on LS

[Lights]

For instance, if a man tries to get with a woman but lacks confidence and comes across as passive/desperate/etc, he gives an impression of "I am desperate and don't know myself or what I want, and I would probably fall for anyone else in your shoes because I need validation -- you don't have to earn mine."

People who know what they want and know themselves can still find themselves desperate and diffident. Don't believe the hype.

[Philetus]

I don't know what you think I am wrong about. I am not denying that people place a premium on confidence. In fact, that was kind of my point. My problem is that confidence is simply not a perpetual state of being. At times we feel confident; at times we don't. Saying a person should be confident all the time is like saying they should be happy all the time. It simply can't be done.

 

BTW, being a 40 year old man myself, I am not impressed by the fact you've dated women nearly young enough to be your daughters. In my experience, men our age (or older) who consistently date much younger women usually have some serious domination and control issues. Sure, they like sex with nubile young bodies. But they also like being with women they see as naive and easy to manipulate, women whose BS detectors aren't that sharp yet. To put it another way, dating 20 year olds when you're 43 can just as easily be a sign you LACK the confidence to approach more savvy women closer to your own age.

 

Unless I misunderstood, I think you're wrong that confidence isn't extremely important when it comes to dating. Read what some of the women have posted on this thread - don't take my word for it alone. A confident person can overcome shortcomings whereas an attractive person who lacks confidence can be doomed.

 

Are some people perpetually confident? I can only speak for myself and I do exist in that state perpetually. Yes, I encounter novel situations that may make me unsure how to proceed but I always feel up to any task and I never get rattled. As for how I gained that confidence, I'd be happy to elaborate. I don't care if you believe me, I'm not here to defend myself or convince you.

 

As for whom I choose to date, again, I'm not here to defend myself or impress anyone. I don't even know anyone here, why would I waste my time trying to impress complete strangers? To imply that I have "control" or "domination" issues when you don't know anything about me is rather odd, don't you think? I wonder what your post could make me infer about you? Luckily for you, I don't care enough to speculate.

 

I never said I date younger women consistently. They make up a small percentage of the people I date. Most women are 35+ and I even date women older than me. To me, age is irrelevant and I date a lot. On Friday, I had a date with a 47 year-old CA with her own business and three kids. Let me tell you, no one is going to 'control' or 'dominate' that lady.

 

When I ask out someone who graduated from high school after I was born, the onus is on her to say if she's uncomfortable with the age difference, not mine. People are adults and can make their own decisions. I don't coerce, manipulate, or lie to anyone. I don't need to. I ooze confidence and in my experience women are drawn to that like moths to a flame.

[Els]

The worst thing about the 'woah is me, I'm too short/too fat/etc' men is while they keep whining about how unfair it is that they're being stereotyped by women based on their physical appearance, they go right ahead and propagate the very attitude they detest by stereotyping women based on physical appearance. Like, uh, hypocrite much? If you're gonna do it yourself, accept it as a fact of life and stop bawling already.

 

And in women's defense, I have NEVER seen a woman complain about how unfair it is that guys aren't asking her out because she's overweight, and then go on and say that she requires a 9/10 man.

[TheBigQuestion]

As for how I gained that confidence, I'd be happy to elaborate. I don't care if you believe me, I'm not here to defend myself or convince you.

 

Philetus, I wouldn't mind if you did elaborate, because I do find this pretty interesting. I'm certainly not the type of guy that this thread refers to, but I'm always interested in knowing how people overcome their mental blocks and insecurities to become better at dating (and of course, all sorts of other things as well).

[SteveC80]

 

And in women's defense, I have NEVER seen a woman complain about how unfair it is that guys aren't asking her out because she's overweight, and then go on and say that she requires a 9/10 man.

 

You must not talk to allot of women ive seen plenty do it

 

Not to brag but im 6'3 and model at times,ive had fat women/unattractive women complain that i wasnt interested in them and spread rumors about me because of it,allot of ugly /average women have a sense of entitlement issues as well

 

Sometimes women are worse because most go after the same small group of guys

Edited May 13, 2010 by SteveC80

[Woggle]

It goes both ways. I hear women crying about self inflicted drama all the time on here.

[bayouboi]

And in women's defense, I have NEVER seen a woman complain about how unfair it is that guys aren't asking her out because she's overweight, and then go on and say that she requires a 9/10 man.

 

Despite the fact that you claim to have never seen this doesn't mean it doesn't happen with regularity because from my perspective, and I'm sure many others, this does happen all too often due to some entitlement sense that has been ingrained into the minds of a lot of our young women.

 

Also, why should a man have to settle for less than what he offers? I'm not overweight, nor do I want to settle for someone who is.

[carhill]

It's simply a majority versus minority thing. This is a pink site. Also, in general, men are reluctant to share their personal issues for precisely the reasons inferred by the OP; that they're whining, complaining weaklings. This happens in real life too. I've even been told directly that 'you sure complain a lot' when the speaker of those words has just spent the last hour telling me her problems. The difference now is *I don't care* LOL

[Els]

You must not talk to allot of women ive seen plenty do it

 

Not to brag but im 6'3 and model at times,ive had fat women/unattractive women complain that i wasnt interested in them and spread rumors about me because of it,allot of ugly /average women have a sense of entitlement issues as well

 

Sometimes women are worse because most go after the same small group of guys

 

They may have obsessed over you and gone bitchy about it but that doesn't necessarily mean they require one like that. Also, I see you have rated yourself 9/10. I suppose that does contribute to the sort of 'confidence' that some easily-charmed women crave.

 

I know plenty of women, and I truly have never seen an unattractive woman claim that she requires an attractive guy. Again, not like, but requires. As in refusing to date a guy 'less than this rating', which is what all the 'woah is me' men are complaining about. And frankly, I don't think any of them are complaining about unattractive women not liking them. The typical complaint is 'The only women I can get are fat/ugly, woah is me', not 'I can't get any woman!'. If that isn't hypocrisy, I don't know what is.

 

@Woggle: That, I agree, both men and women do. However, this thread is about men complaining about lack of female attention due to physical appearance, not self-inflicted pain.

[Els]

Despite the fact that you claim to have never seen this doesn't mean it doesn't happen with regularity because from my perspective, and I'm sure many others, this does happen all too often due to some entitlement sense that has been ingrained into the minds of a lot of our young women.

 

Also, why should a man have to settle for less than what he offers? I'm not overweight, nor do I want to settle for someone who is.

 

If you have met them, then yes, they are hypocrites as well. That doesn't make these men that I am speaking of any less hypocritical.

 

As for your second question, I personally disagree with the notion, but that's irrelevant to this. The point is, those men are already, by self admission, 'below the ideal' in terms of physical appearance (by height, etc), and are whining about women excluding them based on it. Then they go on and do the same in their own selection of women. If you aren't overweight, it doesn't make you a hypocrite for not wanting someone who is overweight. If you ARE overweight, however, and especially if you are complaining about women not liking you because of your weight, and yet do not want a woman who is overweight, it DOES make you a hypocrite. Have I made myself clear?

[sumdude]

This confidence thing is being put on some magical pedestal here..

 

Confidence wont make women automatically attracted to you,if they are not physically attracted to you at all you have no shot..

 

Its also a vague term,most humans are confident at times unconfident at other times,nobodies confident or unconfident 100% of the time..

 

The idea you can 100% tell how much connidecne a person has in first meeting for a few minutes is hilarious.. Unless that person really suffers from lack of confidecne and cant look you in the eye or something..

 

Yes you can tell a lot about someone pretty quickly.

 

Listen I've been through it. In my teens and 20's I had very little success with women. My self image was way off from reality AND I didn't know what I was doing. For whatever reason due to upbringing and my childhood I didn't have the tools and yes, the confidence to know how to act.

 

Fast forward to me at 39, my mom had recently passed away, I was 70 lbs overweight, depressed and wham! My wife just left me one day, no warning just moved out. I was cheated on, lied to and dumped unceremoniously. I was pretty much shattered BUT I vowed to myself that I would learn and do what it takes to get out there again and be successful.

 

I dealt with the pain of the divorce for a long time but I also went into the gym and lost 60 lbs. I started reading and learning about relationships, attraction yeah even some of those pickup guides. I took from each what I though was useful and ignored the rest. I read about spirituality to find my peace in the internal realm for myself.

 

Body language! I had no idea how important it is. In face most men don't, women seem to be naturally attuned to it. I can walk into a room now and pretty quickly assess within reason what everyone's state of mind is. I learned to control and harness my own body language, there's a fakje til you make it thing but as the body goes soon the mind will follow.

 

All I can say is this. In the three years since my divorce I've had more lovers that the twenty adult years before it! I'm still looking for the real deal but in the meantime I'm having what fun I can. Just last night I'm sitting at a bar, at my left was an ex GF from last year, at my right was a woman i had a fling with over the winter. Texing me was a girl I made out with a few days before. Guess what? We're all still friends. Because you can be a successful man and lover without being a jerk. When you still respect yourself and the women you've been with.,

 

Yes it's been a painful process at times. I still have good days and bad days. I make a lot of mistakes and learn from them. But it's about conquering your inner demons, your negative thoughts and most importantly accepting your strengths and weaknesses and learing how to work with them.

 

Where does confidence come from? Trying, failing, learning and trying again over and over. The main ingredients are the willingness to learn and change and the courage to act on it.

[Woggle]

There are plenty of women who feel entitled to a man way above their league. You guys all know the history with my ex and yet when we were married she felt that she settled for me and that she could do better.

[Engadget]

I'm not woe is me, I just slept at a girls house last night. However of course there's guys who've been burned on here.

[SteveC80]

They may have obsessed over you and gone bitchy about it but that doesn't necessarily mean they require one like that. Also, I see you have rated yourself 9/10. I suppose that does contribute to the sort of 'confidence' that some easily-charmed women crave.

 

I know plenty of women, and I truly have never seen an unattractive woman claim that she requires an attractive guy. Again, not like, but requires. As in refusing to date a guy 'less than this rating', which is what all the 'woah is me' men are complaining about. And frankly, I don't think any of them are complaining about unattractive women not liking them. The typical complaint is 'The only women I can get are fat/ugly, woah is me', not 'I can't get any woman!'. If that isn't hypocrisy, I don't know what is.

 

@Woggle: That, I agree, both men and women do. However, this thread is about men complaining about lack of female attention due to physical appearance, not self-inflicted pain.

 

Ive seen tons of women with entitlement complexes,TONS so well agree to disagree

 

Im just glad im tall and good looking and dont get looked over,thats gotta suck being invisible to women and hoping one out of 100 women would be with you jand only because she cant do better

[Pyro]

This confidence thing is being put on some magical pedestal here..

 

Confidence wont make women automatically attracted to you,if they are not physically attracted to you at all you have no shot..

 

Its also a vague term,most humans are confident at times unconfident at other times,nobodies confident or unconfident 100% of the time..

 

The idea you can 100% tell how much connidecne a person has in first meeting for a few minutes is hilarious.. Unless that person really suffers from lack of confidecne and cant look you in the eye or something..

 

Sure a woman will be attracted physically to a guy based on how he looks, but once she meets the person behind the looks and sees that he isn't confident with himself, that attraction will fade. A persons personality will always add (or subtract) to a persons attraction.

 

Of course some women will not be attracted to you to begin with. get over it. plenty of women out there in the world.

[runner]

Okay. But you know the Dos Equis guy is a joke, right? I think if I ever met someone who acted that confident all the time, I'd be rolling my eyes a lot.

 

yes, the dos equis guy is a joke. an exaggerated profile if you will. which cracks me up everytime that commercial comes on

 

anyway, going back to reality, i should also note that confident people aren't always confident; everyone has their bad days, or just feel like they're in the dump. secondly, real confidence is not an act; and no, you can't just 'fake it til you make it.' there are deeply rooted issues holding oneself back from their true, confident selves that must be worked through first. this is called 'growing up' and lastly, fake confindence is every bit as noticeable as hair transplants and spray-on tans...you really don't want to go there

[kassy]

wow... so quite a few reponses to my little rant!

 

To clarify a few things... I didn't mean be confident all the time, I just ment more or get to know yourself, be happy with who you are or start making changes which will make you happy with who you are and don't dwell on things you can't change - height etc. If you are confident/happy with who you are then you will approach life in a more proactive way, and that is in my opinion what is attractive... not necessarily being confident in any and every scenario, in fact some times showing a little weakness/insecurity can also be very attractive. I doubt if this is well worded.

 

I understand everyone gets blue and we're not always in a good space, but it is one thing to be blue because you just got dumped or lost your job or something... hey we all know things like that take time to get over and it's not fun. I have no problem with those people 'complaining' as someone put it. It is a part of life.

 

But to complain over and over again about how the world has wronged you because you are shorter than you would like to be (for example) and to seemingly not realise that maybe actually this isn't your problem really... and you could probably do something to make yourself feel better about yourself. And be accountable for your problems. You don't necessarily have to fix them right away, but to actually be able to acknowledge other potential issues initially makes the situation very different in my eyes. So rather than going "because I am short no women will like me unless I do somersaults through hoops of fire" to saying something like "while I think being shorter has made it more difficult to be attractive to women, I think the fact that I'm overweight (or whatever) might have something to do with it too". Again probably not the best worded response ever but hopefully you get the general gist of what I mean.

[Rhythmic]

Telling men to just be more confident is a waste of time and terrible advice.

 

 

http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2006/09/20/the-confidence-myth/

 

http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2007/04/08/the-myth-of-confidence/

 

 

 

• Confidence is merely a byproduct of success.
  
• No one can just decide to be confident. It has to come naturally from others.
  
• Our level of confidence is determined by the level of regard others have for us.
  
• Hollow “be confident’ pep talks don’t work. If you honestly want to increase another’s confidence, it will require genuine care and effort.
  
• Therefore, stop advising people to “be confident”! If you aren’t willing to put in the effort to help them gain that confidence, then you are just insulting them and wasting their time.
  

[Mr White]

I can't decide who's more annoying - the whiners or the know-it-all women talking pointless rubbish such as "just be yourself" or whatever :rolleyes:

[Romance]

yeah i notice so many men are here are like 'why are women so shallow' blah blah and really they clearly just have bad attitudes towards women and need confidence, not everyone woman wants a rich underwear model, we just want a stable dude who treats us right.

[somedude81]

The reason that there are all these "whiny men" is that for some men it is freaking impossible to attract women. What's even worse is that some men have handicaps that make it even harder.

 

It really shouldn't be this hard to find a girl to date. I'm almost 29 years old and I've never had a relationship with anybody. There is no person alive that would be happy with that.

 

I go to a university that is 60% women. I'm in a Salsa class where the women outnumber the guys 3 to 1 and I still can't get a girl. All I've ever managed to do is become "friends" with a girl every once in a while. I have low confidence so it's hard for me to take risks in actually asking girls out and when I do I'm usually rejected or we have one date then I get the "we can still be friends" line.

 

If things carry on like this for much longer, I will snap.

[Mr White]

yeah i notice so many men are here are like 'why are women so shallow' blah blah and really they clearly just have bad attitudes towards women and need confidence, not everyone woman wants a rich underwear model, we just want a stable dude who treats us right.

 

What about guys like me who have both plenty of confidence and plenty of bad attitude towards women (except my girlfriend, mom, and sister [for the most part, that one])?

[somedude81]

yeah i notice so many men are here are like 'why are women so shallow' blah blah and really they clearly just have bad attitudes towards women and need confidence, not everyone woman wants a rich underwear model, we just want a stable dude who treats us right.

Bullsh-t

 

There is so much more required than being a stable dude. And somebody who treats you right? Hello? How many women are in abusive relationships? How many stay.

 

I love being around women. I joke around and have fun, and I'm still respectful and I haven't gotten crap from girls.

[Romance]

Bullsh-t

 

There is so much more required than being a stable dude. And somebody who treats you right? Hello? How many women are in abusive relationships? How many stay.

 

I love being around women. I joke around and have fun, and I'm still respectful and I haven't gotten crap from girls.

 

 

Well clearly those women are trapped in those relationships, that is a whole 'nother ball game.

 

Clearly, you just haven't met a woman you connect with. Or maybe you haven't made a move? Can't let yourself get into friend zone.

[somedude81]

Well clearly those women are trapped in those relationships, that is a whole 'nother ball game.

 

Clearly, you just haven't met a woman you connect with. Or maybe you haven't made a move? Can't let yourself get into friend zone.

I seriously doubt that the women who have been abused by boyfriends or husbands, had no idea that he was capable of doing so. They just ignored the signs until it was too late.

 

As for me not meeting women I connect with. I have met quite a few girls that I have had very deep connects with them. I've had good friendships that only ended because I needed more. It's impossible for me to maintain a platonic friendship with a girl I consider attractive, when I'm sexually frustrated.

 

The only thing I can do now is try to quickly make a physical move to make sure the friendship doesn't go on too long and we both get really hurt when it ends.

 

It still doesn't change the fact that for some men, getting girls might as well be impossible.