kassy Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 There seem to be a lot of guys on here who are overly hung up on things they can't change and determined to prove that these (height, hair colour, being a man) are the reasons why they are single... not that fact that they are for a start negative and clearly lacking in self confidence.(and god knows what else!). Guys make the most of what you've got and then have confidence to be yourself (but not an arrogant a**hole) and you'll have no problems... oh and also if you are interested then just ask her out FFS! Sure she might say no... but really be a man and put yourself out there. I promise if she says no, you won't instantaneously combust! I don't understand why you guys are trying to mind read... everyone has different taste... just ask out women you are interested in, and how about letting them decide if they like you back. (Sorry to the many men on here who aren't like this!)
ADF Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I completely agree with your point about the woe-is-me crowd. But let me ask about something else you mentioned. What is all this "confidence" talk I keep hearing? Everyone--men and women--seem to have this idea that if you just have confidence, or act confident, all your problems will be solved. What a load of rubbish! Who the heck can strut around acting confident all the time?
skydiveaddict Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 hey kassy, very good post. I'm probably guilty of all those things you stated. But I'm still trying to mend a broken heart. Thats my only flimsy excuse
AD1980 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I completely agree with your point about the woe-is-me crowd. But let me ask about something else you mentioned. What is all this "confidence" talk I keep hearing? Everyone--men and women--seem to have this idea that if you just have confidence, or act confident, all your problems will be solved. What a load of rubbish! Who the heck can strut around acting confident all the time? Confidence is womenspeak fluff it means nothing,It doesnt make women magically attracted to you..
Pyro Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I completely agree with your point about the woe-is-me crowd. But let me ask about something else you mentioned. What is all this "confidence" talk I keep hearing? Everyone--men and women--seem to have this idea that if you just have confidence, or act confident, all your problems will be solved. What a load of rubbish! Who the heck can strut around acting confident all the time? I can and I do. I don't let things get to me and I never took it personal when a female rejected me. Good thread BTW, but easier said than done to get them to listen to and comprehend this.
runner Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I completely agree with your point about the woe-is-me crowd. But let me ask about something else you mentioned. What is all this "confidence" talk I keep hearing? it's knowing who you are. knowing what you want, and how to get it. knowing where you want to go, and how to get there. not letting anyone stand in your way, without stepping on toes. and being in control over your own thougts and feelings, with minimal external influence. basically kinda like the 'dos equis guy' in the tv commercials
mikarla Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Lots of woe is me people of both genders to be honest. I know I came here because I was googling something about being depressed about relationships so it's not really surprising that a lot of people are down about themselves and their dating prospects.
Tim The Enchanter Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I completely agree with your point about the woe-is-me crowd. But let me ask about something else you mentioned. What is all this "confidence" talk I keep hearing? Everyone--men and women--seem to have this idea that if you just have confidence, or act confident, all your problems will be solved. What a load of rubbish! Who the heck can strut around acting confident all the time? Confidence can definitely help - the alternative thing is to lack confidence in social situations where you never approach women, never take the initiative etc. I do agree with you though, it is no magic wand. I don't think it's any coincidence that most confident people also tend to have good looks. Women especially - good looking women get hit on CONSTANTLY, so that must boost their ego and confidence no end.
ADF Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 it's knowing who you are. knowing what you want, and how to get it. knowing where you want to go, and how to get there. not letting anyone stand in your way, without stepping on toes. and being in control over your own thougts and feelings, with minimal external influence. basically kinda like the 'dos equis guy' in the tv commercials Okay. But you know the Dos Equis guy is a joke, right? I think if I ever met someone who acted that confident all the time, I'd be rolling my eyes a lot.
flc Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I think that it is human nature to want people to like you and if they don't you look for a reason that you cannot control to make yourself feel better. Then you can blame something/someone else for the rejection. Reality is when you meet someone they form an impression within seconds on whether they will respond and how they will respond. So how you look and what you say does make a difference but no matter how tall you are, how witty you are or how good looking you will be rejected by people who you do not connect with. Don't take it personally the world is a big place with all kinds of people just keep trying. But if you get continual rejection then you have to look inward and see what you might change to make your initial impression better.
Taramere Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 There seem to be a lot of guys on here who are overly hung up on things they can't change and determined to prove that these (height, hair colour, being a man) are the reasons why they are single... not that fact that they are for a start negative and clearly lacking in self confidence.(and god knows what else!). I think that mentality stems from a desire to believe that others are morally obliged to make us feel good about ourselves and build up our confidence. If they fail to fulfil this perceived obligation then it leads to righteous indignation. If we want someone who doesn't have unconditional love and regard for us (and most people won't, which is fair enough really) to be invested in our personal happiness, then we have to strive a bit to show them the good things that can happen when we're in a happy and positive frame of mind. If someone's depressed and beaten down by life, then I think that's hard for them. So they're more likely to adopt the misguided and ineffective strategy of "bad things will happen for everyone if I'm unhappy. I'll work to make things as dreary and toxic as I can. If you don't want me to do that, then start making me happy. Make my life better. Love me, even while I'm being unlovable." It's tempting to berate people for adhering to that negative mindset, and I think most of us have succumbed to the temptation now and again on this board. At the same time, if we're honest with ourselves most of us have probably got pulled down into that negative, beaten down mindset at times. It can be difficult to escape once you're in it - especially if you've lost confidence in your ability to bring anything that other people would want to the table. Maybe the best balance we can reach is to show goodwill by saying "here are the qualities I think you have" (if you know the person well enough to give an honest and therefore meaningful assessment of their qualities) "I hope you can start feeling better about yourself soon, and that things can then begin to improve for you." At the same time, it's imperative for our own wellbeing that we don't respond so empathically to other people's depressed mindset that we get dragged down into it.
bayouboi Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I'm surprised that you're surprised that there are a lot of "woe as me men", as you like to put it, on these forums. Men, in general, don't like to talk about their emotions & for us to reach to point where we're looking for advice & sharing with internet strangers, we're likely to be at a very broken point in our lives. So to me, it's no surprise that the seeming majority of men on these forums are "woe as me men".
bananaboat11 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 hey kassy, very good post. I'm probably guilty of all those things you stated. But I'm still trying to mend a broken heart. Thats my only flimsy excuse I'm in the same boat as you. I found someone new, but I'm internally scared she's rebounding with me... after she told me (when I went in to visit her at work) that all her co-workers thought I was hot. I assured her I was interested in HER. She smiled and I jumped up to kiss her. But my confidence echoes, suppressing my insecurity in 'us'... heh
Philetus Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 What is all this "confidence" talk I keep hearing? Everyone--men and women--seem to have this idea that if you just have confidence, or act confident, all your problems will be solved. What a load of rubbish! Who the heck can strut around acting confident all the time? With all respect, you couldn't be more wrong. I think confidence is the NUMBER ONE thing women respond to, in general. It's not that woman want a man to take care of them but they like a man who CAN take care of things if the need/situation arises. (Again - I'm talking IN GENERAL.) (Eg. I'm dating this woman who is super confident in herself but she hates dealing with salesmen. So, she took me with her to buy a new cell phone plan and I did most of the talking. She really liked that I did that for her.) Confidence is definitely something I look for in a woman. I don't like someone who is needy or too reliant on me. I want them to be their own person, comfortable with who they are, and not trying to be something they're not. If your confident, you keep putting yourself out there. I have no fear of rejection and when I am turned down, I assume it has nothing to do with me. I flirt with everyone and I date a lot. I rarely meet someone that I think is 'out of my league'. Case in point, I'm 43 and I've recently dated three women in their mid 20s. Confidence is king! Without it, there is no way I'd assume a younger woman would have anything to do with me.
phineas Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 basically kinda like the 'dos equis guy' in the tv commercials The most interesting man in the world is obviously an attention whore. LOL!
2sure Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Confidence , to me, is the #1 most attractive trait in a man. When a man is not traditionally "attractive" and he is nevertheless confident...it makes me say to myself: here is a man with something to offer, here is man who is interesting...and more times than not he is, and then poof - he is attractive as well. Really, in the long run a confident man who is not traditionally attractive - has found within himself the things that are harder and better to offer than a pretty boy, a tall guy, etc.
2sure Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Not to mention it adds an air of mystery that makes me curious to know him. As in: What the hell has this guy got going for him that makes him so happy with himself? Love that.
VertexSquared Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 A lack of confidence/desperation gives off repulsive signals because who wants to go out with someone who clearly isn't firm? For instance, if a man tries to get with a woman but lacks confidence and comes across as passive/desperate/etc, he gives an impression of "I am desperate and don't know myself or what I want, and I would probably fall for anyone else in your shoes because I need validation -- you don't have to earn mine." It, in turn, makes women feel less special. And it's annoying to have to constantly boost someone's confidence up because they're misjudging their own character. It's depressing and not fun. A man who is confident comes across as a man with a plan, and women like to know that a man is going after what he wants (which is in turn a confidence boost to the woman). It's a very self-fulfilling prophecy. Many normal-looking (or even slightly rougher/nondescript) guys would surge ahead of the taller/richer/smarter guys by just being comfortable knowing that their attitude would make a world of difference. Insecurity is only a potentially useful thing if you're *purely* after sex. It's easy to manipulate people who are so malleable, which is why they are easy targets at clubs -- they need validation and will be more agreeable to advances for sex. Insecurity is not attractive in a relationship partner you want to become close with and learn more about.
tkgirl Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 There seem to be a lot of guys on here who are overly hung up on things they can't change and determined to prove that these (height, hair colour, being a man) are the reasons why they are single... not that fact that they are for a start negative and clearly lacking in self confidence.(and god knows what else!). Guys make the most of what you've got and then have confidence to be yourself (but not an arrogant a**hole) and you'll have no problems... oh and also if you are interested then just ask her out FFS! Sure she might say no... but really be a man and put yourself out there. I promise if she says no, you won't instantaneously combust! I don't understand why you guys are trying to mind read... everyone has different taste... just ask out women you are interested in, and how about letting them decide if they like you back. (Sorry to the many men on here who aren't like this!) thank you thank you THANK YOU! I get so tired of reading all these threads about how women only want a guy who's tall, or rich, or whatever... they would make me so angry! it's like these guys don't know what women want at all! confidence is EVERYTHING! it's knowing who you are. knowing what you want, and how to get it. knowing where you want to go, and how to get there. not letting anyone stand in your way, without stepping on toes. and being in control over your own thougts and feelings, with minimal external influence. basically kinda like the 'dos equis guy' in the tv commercials yep... pretty much my exact definition of confidence too... knowing who you are and what you want and then having the cojones to go after it! Lots of woe is me people of both genders to be honest. I know I came here because I was googling something about being depressed about relationships so it's not really surprising that a lot of people are down about themselves and their dating prospects. very true... there are a lot of women on here (myself included sometimes) that also fall into a rut of feeling sorry for themselves... like finding themselves in these go nowhere FWB (which to me is a bunch of BS) situations and wonder why the guy doesn't just fall in love with them already. I think we all can use a good wake-up call every now and then.... and realize a "relationship" isn't going to make or break us... WE are in charge of our own happiness! Which is why I'm choosing to remain single right now.. I want to figure out how to be happy again on my own before I even try to meet someone new... I want my next relationship to be HEALTHY and HAPPY!!! great thread!!!
bananaboat11 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Confidence is how he 'carries' himself. His posture... his walk... his ability to look an individual in the eyes... confidence in his voice and the ability to be articulate when relaxed or under fire... and a smile on his face.
Always A Lesson Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I once talked to a tall, handsome guy, with a great body. Problem was he lacked confidence, it didn't take long for me to notice it. While getting to know him, I was shocked how damaged he was from his past. He constantly talked about past gfs and was so insecure, it was awful ! He lacked so much confidence which made him seem ugly to me. On the flip side, guys who are too confident bordering on arrogance, turn me off too.
AD1980 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 This confidence thing is being put on some magical pedestal here.. Confidence wont make women automatically attracted to you,if they are not physically attracted to you at all you have no shot.. Its also a vague term,most humans are confident at times unconfident at other times,nobodies confident or unconfident 100% of the time.. The idea you can 100% tell how much connidecne a person has in first meeting for a few minutes is hilarious.. Unless that person really suffers from lack of confidecne and cant look you in the eye or something..
ADF Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 With all respect, you couldn't be more wrong. I think confidence is the NUMBER ONE thing women respond to, in general. It's not that woman want a man to take care of them but they like a man who CAN take care of things if the need/situation arises. (Again - I'm talking IN GENERAL.) (Eg. I'm dating this woman who is super confident in herself but she hates dealing with salesmen. So, she took me with her to buy a new cell phone plan and I did most of the talking. She really liked that I did that for her.) Confidence is definitely something I look for in a woman. I don't like someone who is needy or too reliant on me. I want them to be their own person, comfortable with who they are, and not trying to be something they're not. If your confident, you keep putting yourself out there. I have no fear of rejection and when I am turned down, I assume it has nothing to do with me. I flirt with everyone and I date a lot. I rarely meet someone that I think is 'out of my league'. Case in point, I'm 43 and I've recently dated three women in their mid 20s. Confidence is king! Without it, there is no way I'd assume a younger woman would have anything to do with me. I don't know what you think I am wrong about. I am not denying that people place a premium on confidence. In fact, that was kind of my point. My problem is that confidence is simply not a perpetual state of being. At times we feel confident; at times we don't. Saying a person should be confident all the time is like saying they should be happy all the time. It simply can't be done. BTW, being a 40 year old man myself, I am not impressed by the fact you've dated women nearly young enough to be your daughters. In my experience, men our age (or older) who consistently date much younger women usually have some serious domination and control issues. Sure, they like sex with nubile young bodies. But they also like being with women they see as naive and easy to manipulate, women whose BS detectors aren't that sharp yet. To put it another way, dating 20 year olds when you're 43 can just as easily be a sign you LACK the confidence to approach more savvy women closer to your own age.
Philetus Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 This confidence thing is being put on some magical pedestal here.. Confidence wont make women automatically attracted to you,if they are not physically attracted to you at all you have no shot.. Its also a vague term,most humans are confident at times unconfident at other times,nobodies confident or unconfident 100% of the time.. The idea you can 100% tell how much connidecne a person has in first meeting for a few minutes is hilarious.. Unless that person really suffers from lack of confidecne and cant look you in the eye or something.. Read what the women have posted on this thread. Confidence is very attractive in and of itself. I'm confident 100% of the time. Sure I encounter new situations that make me proceed with caution or uncertainty but I always have faith in myself that I'll be just fine. I can tell how confident most people are pretty quickly. They look you in the eye, they smile, they stand with their bodies open towards you, they talk in an even voice and don't use phrases like "I don't know", etc. If you don't believe, you don't believe me. I know what I experience and I know it works.
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