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Thinking of divorce- worried about finances, among other things

bentley2110

By bentley2110
in Separation and Divorce

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bentley2110 Member

bentley2110

Posted
Posted

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that i want to end my marriage. But, i really don't know what I'm getting into. First, a little about my situation...

 

Married 5 years, no kids, got married in our early 20s. Both have good jobs, careers, but we are not the best money managers and have a good bit of shared debt, mortgage on an out of state condo (way under water- FL), in her name... some credit cards, probably equally responsible. We rent now in our hometown- loads of shared stuff. We owe more than we own, but have good steady incomes.

 

Why do i think i want a divorce? Well... has been stale for a number of years, we find ourselves being roommates more than spouses. We'll eat together and go off and do our own things most nights. I would say we are good friends, but there's really no sexual connection. It seems like a chore to her, and really I'm mostly interested just when physical needs kick in. Basically, i think I'm bored and worried that it will get much worse over time, with kids, family, continuing pressures of jobs, money, etc... I'd hate to wake up one day 10-20 years from now and hate my life, but be stuck in it too deep to get out.

 

Not surprisingly, I have found myself easily drawn to a woman that works for me (only 2 yrs younger). Mostly talk, but there has been a line crossed, we've had a couple of kisses (that's it)and have had 2 "secret" rendezvous - just drinks and chat. We email quite a bit, and text some.

 

I know i need to end it with the other woman or my wife or both in order to be happy. I am concerned that this other woman (not married, but has a unsignificant boyfriend), may just be leading me on, or has other problems yet unseen, so i know i need to be prepared to be alone if i leave my wife. But, i do really enjoy this other woman, and have thought of what our life might be like together. But, before i get too far ahead of myself, i know i need to address the marriage. This other woman has opened my eyes a bit, but we don't really talk about my marriage. she knows we're married, has met my wife, but that's about it.

 

so, back to my original issue- i need advice on what to do, consider, think about, etc... as I try to decide whether divorce is right. What should i be doing financially? Should i try to save my marriage, even if I'm not sure I want to? What should I tell my wife? Am I just being blinded by another woman? I've had my doubts about my marriage for a couple years, but now it seems to be all I can think about.

 

help

Gunny376 Established Member

Gunny376

Posted
Posted

What you need to do is to lay off with the OW, your not in the right emotional state of mind to consider divorcing your wife, and then picking up with another woman, (the one that you work with or works for you ~ or anyone else)

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch where Grandma's fighting' of the Indians you need to sit down and have the "Pina Collada" talk with the wife.

 

You know the one where the guy takes out personal ad, answers one that sounds similar to what he's looking for ~ only to find out that its his wife?

 

[FONT=Arial]

[FONT=Arial]I was tired of my lady

We'd been together too long

Like a worn-out recording

Of a favorite song

So while she lay there sleeping

I read the paper in bed

And in the personal columns

There was this letter I read

 

"If you like Pina Coladas

And getting caught in the rain

If you're not into yoga

If you have half a brain

If you'd like making love at midnight

In the dunes on the Cape

[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]Then I'm the love that you've looked for

Write to me and escape."

[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]I didn't think about my lady

I know that sounds kind of mean

But me and my old lady

Have fallen into the same dull routine

[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]So I wrote to the paper

Took out a personal ad

And though I'm no body's poet

I thought it wasn't half bad

 

"Yes I like Pina Coladas

And getting caught in the rain

I'm not much into health food

I am into champagne

[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon

And cut through all this red-tape

At a bar called O'Malley's

Where we'll plan our escape."

,

So I waited with high hopes

And she walked in the place

I knew her smile in an instant

I knew the curve of her face

It was my own lovely lady

And she said, "Oh it's you."

Then we laughed for a moment

And I said, "I never knew."

 

That you like Pina Coladas

Getting caught in the rain

And the feel of the ocean

And the taste of champagne

If you'd like making love at midnight

In the dunes of the Cape

 

You're the lady I've looked for

Come with me and escape[/FONT]

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Your average person? They typically have five or more jobs over the course of their lives.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Ditto with relationships. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]You've got to constantly and perpetually re-think, reinvigorate things. Its easy to become too complacent in your job? Even more so in your personal relationships.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]You owe it to yourself and to your wife and have the talk. The talk being that we need to quit being fools and get back into school. To perhaps get some counseling, both IC and MC. Read some books. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Just for starters I would highly recommend "Light Her Fire" for you and "Light His Fire" for her. No cheating! She can't read yours and you can't read hers. Since you don't have children, (goats have kids) but just in case down the road, you might want to read, "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy"[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Then there's "Romance 101" along with "2001 Ways To Be Romantic" and "2001 More Ways To Be Romantic" [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I would also recommend "2001 Things To Do On A Date!" and "Sensious Massage"[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Now to the financial aspect of it. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]You've got two opportunities in life to build a good and solid financial foundation. The first is in your youth, and the second is in middle plus years. Provided your not one of those fools that's going to be sitting around at the nursing home talking about you first, second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth ex-wife. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Your in your twenties, some of the best years of your life. You and the wife are entangled with one another financially. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]BIG TIME![/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I can promise you my friend, that its probally going to be you that gets @zz raped in divorce court. Your probally going to be looking at bill collectors calling you daily, getting DUN letters, (Due Upon Notice) ruined credit, possibly the IRS on your back, [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]If your really lucky? You won't have your paycheck garnished. Bankruptcy? Harder to do than back in the day. And definitely somewhere you don't to go., Unless you just happen to like to driving around in a 74 Ford Maverick or Pinto with back springs sticking in your back.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Your best bet? Is to fix this with the wife, re-define your marriage, re-invigorate your marriage. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

Oh BTW? Read a book titled "How To Satisfy A Woman Everytime and Have her beg for more!" Written by a woman, a little flakey, but it describes sex from a woman's point of view and perpsective.

 

The truth is? Most men are lousy lovers when it comes to sex. The author describes just one technique ~ from a woman's perspective. It doesn't include dancing bears and clowns ~ just appreciating and enjoying sex from a woman's perspective!

 

Basically it comes down to slowing down, taking your time, and not making her feel like its her wifely chore, nor a sperm depository?

 

I ask you? Is that too much too ask.

 

Also when it comes to the financial aspect? Read Mary Hunts "Debt Proof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" I like Mary's book more so than Dave's ~ although they both are talking about the same!

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

You haven't given your marriage, or your wife a chance. instead of letting her know that you feel things have gone 'stale', feeling like a roommate - You chose to look elsewhere and connect with another woman (to make you feel alive and passionate again).

 

I say, tell your wife exactly what you've said here. Let her decide if she wants out too, or if the marriage is worth saving.

 

Either way, go NC with the OW. Last thing you need is someone else interferring or waiting in the wings. You owe your wife that.

Gunny376 Established Member

Gunny376

Posted
Posted

First I'm sorry about all the "noise" that sometimes comes with a post,

 

But WhichWayIsUp is right! The last thing you need to do is hook up with someone else.

 

You need to finished unfinised business!

MoscaVia Member

MoscaVia

Posted
Posted

I would suggest marriage counseling right away. If this doesn't do the trick, then decide from there.

You Go Girl Established Member

You Go Girl

Posted
Posted

I would say we are good friends, but there's really no sexual connection. It seems like a chore to her, and really I'm mostly interested just when physical needs kick in.

 

There. The answer is right there in your own post.

She thinks it's a chore, you think you're only interested in a disconnected manner also--

neither of you are making a connection with the other. The intimacy is hurting in a big way.

Why wouldn't she think it's a chore if you approach her in only a physical release manner?

Why would you approach her in anyway but a release manner if she acts like it's a chore?

You need to make love to your wife.

Do you understand the difference?

Do you look in her eyes while you are with her?

Do you tune in to each other?

 

Complacency...in a nutshell.

 

Save your marriage--that OW has baggage herself, her own gripes, her own irritating habits...the grass isn't greener, just new. You spent time building a relationship with your wife. But I guarantee you, with the wrong moves, you can destroy all you've built with one wrecking ball affair.

It's so easy to tear things down, compared to the time, effort, and care that goes into building them up.

2.50 a gallon Established Member

2.50 a gallon

Posted
Posted

You took them vows and they are powerful. I took them vows myself once. I was in my mid 30's, and had spent more than the last dozen years being a bad boy player. My black book was filled. Prior to taking them vows, my attitude about getting married was "Let's get married in the morning, and that way if things don't work out the whole day won't be a waste."

 

Then I took them vows. For over 30 years, it had been drummed into my brain of the seriousness of them words and I was totally surprised that after taking them how deeply I was hooked.

 

Six months later I caught my XW kissing another man. I was destroyed! You do not want to go there. To see your wife in the arms of another man is one of the most destructive things a man can ever experience. Them words are powerful.

 

I suggest you read the threads of men on this forum whose wives have left them. And keep in mind that most of them would kill to be in your shoes, to have a wife at home. Also keep in mind that not everybody in this world gets to be married.

 

Listen to Gunny and his suggestion about the Pina Colado song. You say you don't want to wake up in 10 - 20 years and hate yourself for being in a spot you can't get out of. Think of this. Something brought you and your wife together, and you found that something special. It is a gift, take care of it. There are many men and women in this world who spend most of their lives looking for that special one and never find it. You are one of the lucky ones. You have been given the gift of love and did not take care of it. I suggest that if you continue down the road you are now heading you might wake up in the next year and ask yourself "What did I throw away?"

 

Also, from the little bit that you have described the other woman, I suspect that she is a player. Why is she attracted to a married man? She is trying to get you to cheat, so how can you trust her?

Enema Established Member

Enema

Posted
Posted

What have you done to try and fix the marriage?

 

Or, do you give up this easily with everything you do?

tojaz Established Member

tojaz

Posted
Posted

All good advice given here Bentley. Especially Gallons. I read your thread and I hear someone who is missing the marriage he had, missing the connection he had. Why look for that in someone else when the person you had wanted it from to start is waiting at home? Said it dozens of times on LS, a marriage is built in the hard times not in the good. There are lots of guys here myself included who's spouse couldn't see that. When the times got tough and less then ideal, they got going! You my friend have options, have a chance to rebuild what made you want to marry her in the first place. If you can look back at those days and know your motives were true, then I think you owe your wife, your marriage, and even yourself a shot at reclaiming it. If for no other reason then that you could walk away with a clear conscience.

 

TOJAZ

Gunny376 Established Member

Gunny376

Posted
Posted
You took them vows and they are powerful. I took them vows myself once. I was in my mid 30's, and had spent more than the last dozen years being a bad boy player. My black book was filled. Prior to taking them vows, my attitude about getting married was "Let's get married in the morning, and that way if things don't work out the whole day won't be a waste."

 

Then I took them vows. For over 30 years, it had been drummed into my brain of the seriousness of them words and I was totally surprised that after taking them how deeply I was hooked.

 

Six months later I caught my XW kissing another man. I was destroyed! You do not want to go there. To see your wife in the arms of another man is one of the most destructive things a man can ever experience. Them words are powerful.

 

I suggest you read the threads of men on this forum whose wives have left them. And keep in mind that most of them would kill to be in your shoes, to have a wife at home. Also keep in mind that not everybody in this world gets to be married.

 

Listen to Gunny and his suggestion about the Pina Colado song. You say you don't want to wake up in 10 - 20 years and hate yourself for being in a spot you can't get out of. Think of this. Something brought you and your wife together, and you found that something special. It is a gift, take care of it. There are many men and women in this world who spend most of their lives looking for that special one and never find it. You are one of the lucky ones. You have been given the gift of love and did not take care of it. I suggest that if you continue down the road you are now heading you might wake up in the next year and ask yourself "What did I throw away?"

 

Also, from the little bit that you have described the other woman, I suspect that she is a player. Why is she attracted to a married man? She is trying to get you to cheat, so how can you trust her?

 

 

Don't hold back! I want you to stand up and testify! You got a good woman (and they're hard to come by) get up and shake things up!

 

BTW? A good woman these days generally is one that is willing to stand by and with her man? Most of them walk at the first sign of trouble. ;)

stepka Established Member

stepka

Posted
Posted

I'm with the rest of them Bentley. You're trying to give up too soon. You guys have just gotten too individualized in your marriage rather than trying to learn to pull as a team. Why not try to surprise her with a little seduction routine this evening? Dinner in, cooked by a gourmet chef. Candlelight. Backrub. . .You get the picture. If that doesnt' work, insist on counseling, and then if that doesn't work, then reassess, but nowhere do I get the feeling that you've even tried all that hard. A lot of people use the excuse of a stale marriage to stray, and maybe that's what you're doing.

stepka Established Member

stepka

Posted
Posted

Oh yeah, and while you're working on getting the marriage back on track, get that debt paid off too, in case it doesn't work out.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
help

 

Sure, MC on Monday. There are always cancellations and a MC will fit you in. Get it all out in the open. Transparency.

 

A healthy marriage takes effort from *both* partners. MC will bring you together to lay out a road map to reclaiming that health, together. Both of you have work to do and goals to set for your marriage. If you're *both* willing, it's possible.

 

My personal opinion is you married really young and perhaps before discovering and understanding your unique styles of personality and psychology. You're different people now than when you got married. Are you incompatible or compatible? Unknown. MC can help you clarify that.

 

Your W probably suspects something, though does not perhaps know the specifics of the OW. If you want to preserve your marriage, you'll need transparency. Otherwise, she'll always have a nagging doubt. When you interview personally (separately) with your MC (most will suggest this, only to gain an overview of each partner separately), be honest with him/her. This will help the process.

 

Good luck :)

SummerLady Established Member

SummerLady

Posted
Posted
Sure, MC on Monday. There are always cancellations and a MC will fit you in. Get it all out in the open. Transparency.

 

A healthy marriage takes effort from *both* partners. MC will bring you together to lay out a road map to reclaiming that health, together. Both of you have work to do and goals to set for your marriage. If you're *both* willing, it's possible.

 

My personal opinion is you married really young and perhaps before discovering and understanding your unique styles of personality and psychology. You're different people now than when you got married. Are you incompatible or compatible? Unknown. MC can help you clarify that.

 

Your W probably suspects something, though does not perhaps know the specifics of the OW. If you want to preserve your marriage, you'll need transparency. Otherwise, she'll always have a nagging doubt. When you interview personally (separately) with your MC (most will suggest this, only to gain an overview of each partner separately), be honest with him/her. This will help the process.

 

Good luck :)

 

 

Marriage couseling really does help. I had a great counselor. I was honest and my ex continued to lie to the counselor and me. The MC could see through his fibs. As when he told stories he would retell them later differently, he got bad at lying eventually. Because of his continued dishonesty I got tired of the MC. But from there was able to make an informed decision. My MC said one thing to me that really stood out. He said, " I feel that you think this marriage is too much work." He was correct. If you go be up front and honest...about it all........

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