Giving an update after a year.

[Biggie25x]

I am writing to give an update after a year of being divorced from my ex wife. I don't know if anyone remembers me but I suspect a few do.

 

It has been a year. I have moved back home and have been able to reconnect with my family. It has been great being involved in their life once again. I can say that I have seen and done more with them this past year than I have done with them combined in the last 13 years.

 

I have a job I dislike but it is what I need right now as I am forced to declare bankruptcy because my ex will not sell or refinance the house like she said she would. It keeps my income where I can walk away from the last vestiges of our life together. Oh well such is life.

 

Personally, I am doing crappy. I am just not moving on. Dont get me wrong I am doing better than I was this time last year but I have yet to really be interested in meeting other women. I am still full of regrets over what I could of done better and the life we left behind. Not a day passes where I dont think of her in some way or find little things in life that remind me of what we have lost.

 

This goes against everything I am or want to be. I want to be stronger than this but just cant summon the will power. I am drinking every night and have gained too much weight. I want to change but I cant or wont.

 

I know people here have helped me in the past to get by the hardest moment of my life. I am hoping they have wisdom I can use to get past this. I dont know where else to turn to as I just seem to be presenting the face everyone wants to see not the face of what I am really feeling. I am afraid that if anyone saw that they would think less of me.

 

You guys on the other hand have been where I am and have never seemed judgmental. I look forward to hearing from some people I have not heard from for a while. Cool.

[You Go Girl]

I don't know your story as I have just been here a few months, so perhaps I should read it, just not this late tonight.

First off, I feel for you, that you feel stuck half-way in limbo over the trauma of your divorce.

Secondly, drinking is never the answer. I know, being married to an alcoholic (roommate only) and the path he tried to lead me down there with him--I eventually rejected the alcohol, but not until after some damage was done.

Get yourself to AA. You might not be an alcoholic--doesn't matter. You are self-medicating with alcohol, and that's reason enough. You will meet interesting people there, and form new relationships with them. They are an uplifting group. There's accountability, and a reason to get out of the house when you are thinking of having a drink.

When you're in the drinking phase, you can't think straight, period...it can't be done. You MUST address the drinking first.

You need to start being your own best pal. Your own cheerleader. You've to stand up for you--others can't do this for you. Stop hurting yourself, stop abusing yourself. I know those words sound simplistic--but if people just read them over and over again, sometimes it works--they hear--from a complete stranger such as myself--why would you want to sabotage your own recovery and hurt yourself?

I'll check back...it's late tonight.

Take care.

[colliejoanie]

Hi there....I'm new to this site as well, so I don't know your whole story. I just wanted to relay that I am going through some of the same things as you, and it was nice to read your post....I don't feel like I'm so alone out there!

 

Similarities: It's been over a year since I left, I'm in financial ruin, I have absolutely no desire to find someone else, and I turned to alcohol to keep me warm at night.

 

I haven't moved back home...yet. I'm really hoping not to, but on top of the myriad reasons everyone has for moving home, my ex lives close by and his new, VERY YOUNG, hot, fake boob, hair dresser girlfriend with rich parents just moved in with him.....it's freakin' killing me.

 

But the thing that stuck out about your post is the drinking....I knew in my mind that I was doing the wrong thing. I knew that drinking a bottle of wine (at least) every night was not helping me....but I did it EVERY NIGHT for a year.....and then, after a close friend was suddenly and suprisingly admitted into alcohol treatment, I started feeling a little sick to my stomach every time I opened the bottle.....so I had to drink faster to make that feeling go away....

 

Then, all of the sudden I had an apiphony....what kind of a guy could I even attract being the person I'd become....overweight, sloppy, bloodshot eyes, etc. etc. I realized that by me trying to "make it better" for myself by escaping, I was trapping myself into a life I knew I was too good for.....it's only been about three months, but what is keeping me going is this.... I know that by being that reclusive drunk I was never going to even come close to fulfilling the life I've always pictured myself having....it would NEVER come to fruition...I was sabotaging myself.

 

Like I said, it's been only three months, but its so damn amazing how truely clear my future has become. I have ALOT of weight to lose, and I just started seeing a counselor to get my head cleared out, but for the first time in YEARS, I am hopeful and certain that I deserve the exact life I want. And that I'm not going to let alcohol keep me from achieving that life. I haven't started dating, but I have to tell you, I'm actually EXCITED about the prospect of finding someone to spend my time with.

 

I hope this was at least a little bit helpful, and if you need someone to talk to to keep you from buying that next bottle of booze, I hope we can connect....because I've been there.....and it sucks!!! (not only the weight gain, hangovers, and foggy days, but also the guilt we feel AFTER losing ourselves in alcohol).

[Gunny376]

Yea I remember you!

 

Drinking? Let me tell you a little something about it?

 

It accomplishes nothing, it achieves nothing, it changes nothing, it doesn't make them come back, it un-does nothing, ~ it doesn't do one damn thing!

 

 

I got called on the carpet by my boss and was told either get help or get gone!

 

Fortunately? He''s a Vietnam Vet, and a retired Alabama National Guardsman Master Sergeant. He saw and understood the symptoms. Pissed off at the world and everyone it. Any and every little thing would set me off! Going into work at 3 PM partially hung over.Anger management problems.

 

 

Basically he told me to either get help? Or get to looking for another job.

 

I did something that I would never do in a million freaking years! I made an appointment with a psychologist!

 

He said I had PTSD, anxiety, and pro-longed depression disorder I got with my Primary Care Provider, who in conjunction with my Psychologist got me on antidepressants and anxiety drugs.

 

Up to that point? I was self medicating with alcohol!

 

Drinking solves nothing, un-does nothing, changes nothing, ~ does nothing!

 

Since I've been on the meds? And its taken a good month or more for them to kick in?

 

I'm chilled out, easier to get along with, worry about nothing, smile and laugh more, easier to get along with, easier going, more polite, sleep better, and deeper, have happier dreams.

 

There was a time in my life when I would have scoffed at seeking mental health assistance? But now? I'm a big advocate of it!

 

53 Years of living, twenty years in the Corps, an unfaithful wife, separation, divorce, bankruptcy, the IRS all over my back? Its a wonder I not at least half insane!

 

At the least go to AA, if you like it? Good!

 

If not! Then you will never have to go back.

 

If you can tote the note? See a psychologist!

 

If not go and see your MD and tell him your situation or go to the VA if you qualify,

[floridapad]

We all have regrets in some way shape or form for the demise of our marriages. Regrets are not necessarily a bad thing unless you do nothing about them. Your marriage is gone but you still have regrets over what you could have done better or differently. Learn from these to be a better you and use what you have learned in your next relationship. The only way to get past regrets is to learn from the mistakes and KNOW you will be a better person for the next women that you will undoubtadly fall in love with. You can't do this though by sulking, overanalysis etc etc. You can only do this by doing it. By wanting to get in a new relationship and show the new person the new you and take what you have learned from it and make for a relationship even better than your last one.

 

One last thing. Self esteem can take a real blow after a divorce, especially if we ponder on all the things we have done wrong. So you made a few mistakes as I'm sure she did as well. The ONLY way to overcome this is by you doing what you KNOW needs to be done, so get off your tush and do it (in a nice way).

[You Go Girl]

We all have regrets in some way shape or form for the demise of our marriages. Regrets are not necessarily a bad thing unless you do nothing about them. Your marriage is gone but you still have regrets over what you could have done better or differently. Learn from these to be a better you and use what you have learned in your next relationship. The only way to get past regrets is to learn from the mistakes and KNOW you will be a better person for the next women that you will undoubtadly fall in love with. You can't do this though by sulking, overanalysis etc etc. You can only do this by doing it. By wanting to get in a new relationship and show the new person the new you and take what you have learned from it and make for a relationship even better than your last one.

 

One last thing. Self esteem can take a real blow after a divorce, especially if we ponder on all the things we have done wrong. So you made a few mistakes as I'm sure she did as well. The ONLY way to overcome this is by you doing what you KNOW needs to be done, so get off your tush and do it (in a nice way).

 

That's terrific advice, floridapad. I've re-read your post three times so far. Regrets, depression, self-esteem, and let's not forget guilt (we all have some no matter who left who) --although the regrets are the result of the guilt--or vise versa--all these can be not only debilitating, but paralyzing in our efforts to create a new life. Hence, the limbo stage for many, as is my case for the last year.

It's one thing to realize that you aren't making progress--it's another entirely to understand the simple basics of the WHY, and when we see it's clear as day--self-esteem issues--hopefully that door to progress cracks open a little further.

[phineas]

I've got regrets.

I see now that I had no idea what I was doing wrong.

However, to start cheating a little over a yr into the marriage when you have a 6 month old?

 

I screwed up, but I couldn't of screwed up that badly that quickly & I realize that.

[sumdude]

Hi Biggie, I remember you too. There's no time limit to the whole grieving thing. A year isn't really that long. the healing is incremental. Some folks seem to have a knack for getting through this kind of thing a bit faster than others. Doesn't make one better than the other. Does seem that those who do the leaving definitely move along faster. I know I'm one who took a while to get through it. Heck it's three years since she left and I occasionally have a bad day still. Probably because though I've had a few little relationships I'm not in a commuted one so I still spend a fair amount of time alone.

 

The hard part is? The part you still need to get through? Stop kicking yourself buddy. Yes learn from some of the mistakes you made but do not take all responsibility for it. At some point you just have to say well eff it, Ok I screwed up here or there but what about her? Then somewhere you just let go..

 

The drinking only lets you sit around half numb still thinking about it even more! Nobody can feel happy when hung over that's for sure. In fact the most depressed days I've had since the D was on hangover days, practically and sometimes actually breaking down in tears. You're gonna have to pick yourself up, put the bottles down, get some exercise and live! Go see a psychiatrist or psychologist. They exist for a reason and if you;re still in a deep depression you should go. There's no shame in it. Hit a couple AA meetings, just sit in. You don't have to talk if you don't want to.

 

But most importantly be your own best friend. If you find yourself saying things to yourself you wouldn't say to your best buddy or child then stop that line of thought and change it. Like "Damn I'm such an _____ for effing up with ___."

 

Would you say that to a good friend? I don't think so.

 

 

Hope the best man!

[Gunny376]

Drinking? Let me tell you what drinking accomplishes or more to the point doesn't accomplish. It doesn't change not one damn thing, its un-does nothing, it prevents nothing, it doesn't bring them back, it doesn't un-do not one damn thing nor does one damn thing.

 

Your going through depression, perhaps some anxiety (as in I'll never find anyone else?) That's all BS.

 

Get yourself to at least an AA meeting, if you don't like it? You don't have to go back. You don't even have to participate ~ just sit there enjoy a cup of coffee. At the very least it will get you out of the house ~ ditto with a divorce recovery group. You'll be around people that are going through the same thing your going through or that have been through it.

 

I know I've been where your at. Working a suck @zz job you hate, with a line boss that has the social, managerial, leadership of a chimp. Before I got the low-stress, no-stress easy job I have now? I worked third shift in an convenience store.

 

After having to deal with my fifteenth drunk, crackhead, crackhead ~ I went off.

 

"Ain't no freaking way someone who's done twenty years in the Corps, has a college degree in business administration finance should be working in a convenience store!"

 

Fourth guy in line asked if I was looking for a job? I told "Hell Yea! A real one!"

 

I got the job and its sweet. But I got called on the carpet back a month or so and was told to either get help or find another job. Apparently there's a big difference between a <.001 specification and writing up a certification as a .0017 specficiation.

 

Somewhere between a $80,000 to $100,000 difference factoring man-hours, shipping, payrole.

 

I begged for my job. I'm 53 living in rural Alabama. There's not a whole lot of jobs for 53 year old retired Marines that are good at calling in mortor, artilirary, and air strikes.

 

Oddly enough out her in civilian la~la land? There's not too much of a desire nor need for such individuals?

 

I wasn't going in drunk ~ working second shift? But I was going in hung over. I was making mistakes in the <.0001 range. Working in a lab where we're talking about "parts per million!" There's a hugh diffference between .001 and .0001

 

My boss a former Vietnam Veteran and retired NG Master Sergeant called me in on my day off and told me to get to look for another job. He would even pay me for as long as he could get away with it.

 

When your a 53 year old retired Marine Gunny living in southeastern Alabama? There's not a whole lot of opptions? Its pretty much learning how to sleep in a hollow log, eat road kill, and drink muddy water.

 

I made an appointment with a pyschologist. Had some hits and misses with the drinking. The antidepressents and anxiety pills are working wonders for me. Did a 180!

 

 

Haven't really done the AA thing. Most of those people have been born and raised ~ lived their whole lives around here within fifty miles or less.

 

Cuba, Haiti, Nicaragia, Panama, Saudia Arabia, Kuwait, Dommican Republic, Hondorus, Japan, Hong Kong, Twaain, Singapore? Chili, Peru.

 

Oh yea! That was just like traveling from Savanah to Flipp Island!

[Gunny376]

Going from Savanah to Flipp Island is thirty second r to forty second ride

[Gunny376]

Looking back on the bankruptcy and the bill collectors? They weren't noting but a joke and definitely nothing to worry about. All they are for the most part is nothing but talk. All bark and no bite! I've got fourth and fifth tier bill collectors still after me today ~ and I just tell them the same old thing "Absolute Defense" ~ you had three years according to Alabama law to sue and collect and its been seven! So you know what?

 

You can just kiss my @zz!

 

I'm retired out of the Corps, my health insurance premiums are $20 a month, my co-pay is $12 a visit. I did my twenty! I've got commissary, PX and MWR privileges!

 

Quit your happy @zz worrying about things not worth worth worrying about! Quit worrying about things you can't do anything about! Quit worrying about the small and little things ~ and you know what?

 

Its all small stuff!

 

Take it from a Vet!

 

You still have ten toes, and ten fingers, all your limbs, still walking, don't have a closety bag?

 

Your not in a wheelchasir for the rest of uour life?

 

Your ahead of thr game!

 

BTW thanks for all of us vets!

 

Some gsve all, all gave some!

[Gunny376]

The absolutely last thing I ever wanted to do? Was to go and see or psychologist or a a psych!

 

Drinking! It accomplished nothing, un-does nothing! Changes notrhing!

Its damages relationships with the in-laws, the out-laws, the ex, and the children ~ and its one hell of a waste of money!

 

Two months of being on anxiety drugs and antideprents?

 

I'm 90% back being to me! I'm not PO about and every little thing! I'm

 

I'm no longeer PO at the World and everyone in it!

 

I'm no longer at war!

 

 

'I've fpund peace with myself!'

 

God Bless with you the same!

[Biggie25x]

Thanks everyone. Especially gunny as always. You have helped me again. Its the toughest thing I have ever been through and Boone understands but you guys.

 

Its tearing me up but you know what I do have my good days and my bad. I have to learn to love for the good ones.

 

Thanks guys sometimes all you Ned is a little encouragement.

[Chrome Barracuda]

b25x.

 

I have regrets too. alot of them, I always go what if this and what if I did that. but things went the way they went. reguardless of the actions i took.

 

Thre been plenty of times i regretted not saying the right words or doing the right things. but i move on. and forge ahead. Relieve the past but dont get so mirred in it you dont move on...

 

You sound like you got it right. Your mind is focused soley on you.

[sumdude]

You can't live life hoping for a better past. Try to drive down the highway looking in the rear view mirror and see what happens. Nothing you do, think or say will change the past. A big realization that will help move forward.

 

A big part of is forgiveness. Especially for yourself....

 

“Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past”

 

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/are-you-still-hoping-for-better-past/