Woggle Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 It seems that your husband did the same thing many walkaway wives do. They act like everything is okay and one day they drop the bomb. He sounds like a smart guy. Do women ever in a million years accept the fact that they are not always the victim? You ruined this marriage and yet you act like you are the one who was wronged.
bentnotbroken Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 What gets me is her thinking her XH should have pursued her:eek:Why? What makes you worth pursuing if you have already cheated. You wanted reciprocation for a few weeks or months of doing what you should have been doing all alone. Your thought processes displayed here very immature and self centered.
rewe4reel Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Bobbie2010, let me bottom-line it for you: --Even Costco doesn't have enough Lysol to sanitize your coochie to the extent that your ex would seriously consider taking you back.
bentnotbroken Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Bobbie2010, let me bottom-line it for you: --Even Costco doesn't have enough Lysol to sanitize your coochie to the extent that your ex would seriously consider taking you back. Not cool, and I suspect is going to get you in some hot water.
rewe4reel Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Not cool, and I suspect is going to get you in some hot water. It is what it is. And the only one around here who needs to get into hot water is Bobbie. With a nice big bar of lye soap.
Author Bobbie2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 What gets me is her thinking her XH should have pursued her:eek:Why? What makes you worth pursuing if you have already cheated. You wanted reciprocation for a few weeks or months of doing what you should have been doing all alone. Your thought processes displayed here very immature and self centered. Realizing I am going to probably get hammered for this, we made vows for better or for worse, and even in those times of worse, I would have thought him to be the type to love me for who I am and for us to work together to get through this. The A didn't have to end our marriage. I know that I broke our vows. I can't avoid that no matter how hard I try. But two wrongs (us both breaking our vows) don't make a right. My family was able to forgive me in a matter of days and even they tried to convince him. I guess he was too stubborn against me to do what was right and work this out.
Author Bobbie2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 It is what it is. And the only one around here who needs to get into hot water is Bobbie. With a nice big bar of lye soap. What does the shameless name calling add to the conversation. This is hurtful and hardly constructive.
bentnotbroken Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Realizing I am going to probably get hammered for this, we made vows for better or for worse, and even in those times of worse, I would have thought him to be the type to love me for who I am and for us to work together to get through this. The A didn't have to end our marriage. I know that I broke our vows. I can't avoid that no matter how hard I try. But two wrongs (us both breaking our vows) don't make a right. My family was able to forgive me in a matter of days and even they tried to convince him. I guess he was too stubborn against me to do what was right and work this out. You keep thinking it is all about you and your cheating. Do you understand what the continued lying and betrayal does to someone who's trust has already been broken. You made choices that weren't about sustaining a marriage...after he forgave you for cheating. God gave him the right to leave without penalty for adultery. Your family isn't married to you. You didn't pardon the graphic nature open your legs for another family to enter you. You did that by allowing another man to enter where your husband should have been the only. Then you hid phone calls and tried to force a friendship on him that he neither sought, wanted or trusted. Did you care? Judging by your actions....no. Look, when you stop looking at everything that you perceive as having happened to you and move on with your life, learning from your mistakes, things will begin to improve with you.
seibert253 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I realize I made some mistakes. I get that. I just wish I could now get back what I had. I realize I did some selfish things, HUGE mistakes. But I know we could get back to where we were...I just wish I could have one more chance. He never told me of his plans to leave, and just up and left one day. I would have worked it out. I guess you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truly. Affairs, broken NC agreements, becoming close friends with another male with whom your H doesn't approve, these were not mistakes. These were CHOICES you made. You chose to do these. Wrong choices have consequences. When you show the ultimate in disrespect and disloyalty by having an A, then compound it continuing the disrespect and disloyalty, you end up where you are. I'm sorry you are where you are, but you chose the path you are now on by your actions. Your H gave you multiple chances, you CHOOSE not to take advantage of them. I can't fault your H for leaving and D'ing you. I'd have done the same. I'm not saying these to be mean or spiteful, I just want to give you a dose of reality so you refrain from repeating these bad choices next time around.
bentnotbroken Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 And I would just like to add...that you have taken for granted that he would be there no matter what you did to him or your marriage....no one should have to be put in that position.
seibert253 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Realizing I am going to probably get hammered for this, we made vows for better or for worse, and even in those times of worse, I would have thought him to be the type to love me for who I am and for us to work together to get through this. The A didn't have to end our marriage. I know that I broke our vows. I can't avoid that no matter how hard I try. But two wrongs (us both breaking our vows) don't make a right. My family was able to forgive me in a matter of days and even they tried to convince him. I guess he was too stubborn against me to do what was right and work this out. The A didn't destroy your M. Your continued disrespect and deceit did. I guarentee if you didn't continue to break NC, and go behind your husband's back and wishes so often, you would probably still be married. Until you realize all of this was YOUR fault, not his, you will never get over this, heal, and move forward.
xxoo Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Realizing I am going to probably get hammered for this, we made vows for better or for worse, and even in those times of worse, I would have thought him to be the type to love me for who I am and for us to work together to get through this. The A didn't have to end our marriage. I know that I broke our vows. I can't avoid that no matter how hard I try. But two wrongs (us both breaking our vows) don't make a right. My family was able to forgive me in a matter of days and even they tried to convince him. I guess he was too stubborn against me to do what was right and work this out. Your family will love you unconditionally. Also, your actions weren't a betrayal of your family. Your spouse, stabbed through the heart....not necessarily going to forgive you so easily. It sounds to me like you took comfort in the vows, as if it was some guarantee that he would stick around no matter how badly you acted. You now have to accept that wasn't the case, and his leaving is completely justified. The moment you broke the agreement, the agreement was broken. He was no longer beholden to the vows you shattered. I'm sorry you are hurting. Know better, do better. Hopefully your next relationship will benefit from the lessons you learned in this one.
rewe4reel Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 What does the shameless name calling add to the conversation. This is hurtful and hardly constructive. Stop playing the victim. I was trying to get your attention and apparently I did. Good. Now listen to me. You will never get your ex back. That train has left the station a long time ago. You're a remorseless serial cheater and your husband would have been an imbecile not to have divorced you under the circumstances. He would be an even bigger imbecile to get back together with you. You show an almost sociopathic lack of remorse and insight in your thread. Not once have you considered "What is best for my ex?" Actions have consequences. You cheated, you repeated, and you're paying the price. Your ex was acting purely out of self-defense. The most constructive thing that can occur for you in this conversation is to understand that your brand of b*llsh*t doesn't fly. At all. I hope you have a happy future and find someone else to be happy with, assuming you have learned your lesson. And that lesson is: If you don't want to be treated like a cheap wh*re, then don't act like one.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I will own up to my choices - the affair and calling OM were bad choices - big mistakes that I made. The friend was just that. A FRIEND. There was nothing physical that ever happened between us. I would think he'd want me back because we were meant to be together. I do love him and it took me this to realize just how much I do and how strong my love is. He won't have what we had with anybody. I know that in my heart. WOW!!!! The ego on you is incredible! Dont you understand that, you are likely divorced because of your actions, he is dating a new woman, probably someone who's gonna do right by him. Suffice to say, it's time to move on... What did you have a marriage that was a lie? Really? Lady listen im trying to be nice here, but damn you just dont realize that this man doesnt owe you anything, he doesnt need you or want you... And you KNEW that the friend in the marriage was up to no good. Whether it didnt go emotional doesnt matter. You invited him in and you knew your husband didnt like it. and yet you continued... Why didnt you commit to your marriage after D-day, why drag it on? You expect him to come back with what he knows?? why would he?
JustJoe Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Bobbie, You are still blaming your H. Listen carefully.....HE DID NOTHING WRONG....YOU DID . You cheated, he forgave you, you lied to him again, and again and again, and you wonder why he can't trust you? Your IC isn't working, you are still too selfish, to be married to a good man like your H. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, learn to put others needs before your own. Until you show him complete remorse, BY YOUR ACTIONS, you haven't a chance. NEVER LIE TO HIM AGAIN, EVER!!
Woggle Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 i am a proponent of not throwing away a marriage for dumb reasons but he had a very good reason to end it. Being married does not mean that a person has to stick around to take whatever crap your spouse dishes out. It doesn't mean he is obligated to just stick around no matter how you treat him. Stop blaming him and realize that you are to blame for the state of things today. You ruined a good marriage for some cheap thrill and you now regret but it can't be undone. Learn from this and make sure to never do this again if you should be lucky enough to find love in the future. Chances he will find love again because most betrayed men tend to choose much better the 2nd time around.
JAGeezer Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Realizing I am going to probably get hammered for this, we made vows for better or for worse, and even in those times of worse, I would have thought him to be the type to love me for who I am and for us to work together to get through this. The A didn't have to end our marriage. I know that I broke our vows. I can't avoid that no matter how hard I try. But two wrongs (us both breaking our vows) don't make a right. My family was able to forgive me in a matter of days and even they tried to convince him. I guess he was too stubborn against me to do what was right and work this out. Kiddo, your family aren't the ones that you had vows to. They aren't the ones that you cheated on. They aren't the ones that you placed at risk for venereal disease. My W's late xH the serial adulterer left her with a twofer when they divorced. Both S and G. Two STD's for the price of one. The fact that you may not have done the same doesn't mean that you weren't playing Russian Roulette with his head between your head and the gun every single time that you slept with your OM. You bet your H's life on your own pleasure. You broke the most serious promise that you will ever make in your life, then compounded with more lies, more deceit, more greed, and no remorse. He'd have been a fool to trust anything that comes out of your mouth ever again. Your family did what was right for you. Your husband did what was right for him. He had to look out for his own interests, because your family wasn't, and you certainly weren't. No, you aren't going to get him back, short of direct intercession of the Almighty. Call it the price of admission. An entertainment tax. JAG
jwi71 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 You know, even the densest of rocks understands that there are consequences of actions. At some point, simple common sense enters the picture and only the most monumentally stupid don't grasp it. Actually, that's not true. A troll wouldn't get it either.
Author Bobbie2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 You know, even the densest of rocks understands that there are consequences of actions. At some point, simple common sense enters the picture and only the most monumentally stupid don't grasp it. Actually, that's not true. A troll wouldn't get it either. I am not a troll, and this is a true story. I spent a lot of time last night thinking about things, and honestly got very little sleep. I think I needed it and I think my road ahead is challenging. I am seeing signs that I may be self-centered and put on an air of being selfless that may not be entirely true. I am really going to consider IC to get this addressed. And while I did do IC previously, I considered myself well and checked out early. I realize that I probably had a bad C and lied to myself on top of it. I am going to have to come to grips with the fact that my H is gone. I struggle with that, but I also struggle with the ideal relationship that we had early on (we were married 7 years) that honestly we both drifted from, with school, careers, friends, etc. That's what I miss. I like being married. I am a taker and my xH is a giver. I realize that I took advantage of this and am missing what he offered. He probably walked away because I perhaps didn't offer what he needed. I also realize that there is no having him back. Meaning, I probably pushed things too far for anything to ever recover. Maybe this needed to happen. If I were to take him back, I'd be taking back a shell of a man that I would have no respect for, because he probably wouldn't have respect for himself to allow himself to be walked on. As hard as that is to admit, I am starting to get that. I put myself in a bad position - no good for him to stay or go, and the OM and the affair did that to me. I will not have an A again in any relationship I have. I am rather depressed today and have a lot of growing up to do, despite the fact that I am an adult. I need to discover who I actually am. I thought I had it all figured out. Thanks for the posts. I am on a bit of a roller coaster, so forgive any melodrama in here. I am not trying to seek out sympathy, anger, or any emotions, just trying to answer some VERY difficult questions about myself.
KikiW Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I think that's about as real as I've seen you be. I know most people here have no bones about calling it like they see it. So yeah, we understand that you know you messed up, and we know you are hurting from how your XH reacted to you, how his family treated you, how you miss the way things were. What most of us were jumping on was the consistent attempts to put the blame elsewhere while trying to look like you were taking the blame. The tone of indignation at your XHs reactions that he'd thrown in the towel on your marriage (the whole "he broke vows too"), when he had every right to do so after being betrayed again and again. Find a new therapist, make sure you explore exactly what caused this all, and good luck with everything.
califnan Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Bobbie, If your husband returned to you it would just mean that he is a big man - not a shell of a man .. What went wrong with your marriage - was that you wanted your husband, plus an affair, plus friends ... Your husband wanted a closed marriage, with just the two of you .. It is best to wait until you would wish to commit to this .. Time will tell, a lot can happen ..
Darth Vader Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) He abandoned me with our house, our dog, alone in the suburbs while he moved closer to work. He left me with all of the expenses. I couldn't survive on my own. I hate being dependent on him, but there was no way around it. I would have probably had to sell the house and move back home if I didn't get anything because my student loan payments are too big to really handle. You're a Nurse, and you don't have money? BULLCRAP!!!! You did that to hurt him further! As far as him abandoning you, yeah, BS's sometimes do that, you ripped his heart out, then you screw him financially? He needed and wanted you GONE! You could have sold the house, and been clear of that. Then moved back home, and paid off your bills, but you wanted to screw him over more! I don't know why, but, somehow I feel you did this to keep your ex-hubby on the hook! Edited May 14, 2010 by Darth Vader
Darth Vader Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Realizing I am going to probably get hammered for this, we made vows for better or for worse, and even in those times of worse, I would have thought him to be the type to love me for who I am and for us to work together to get through this. The A didn't have to end our marriage. I know that I broke our vows. I can't avoid that no matter how hard I try. But two wrongs (us both breaking our vows) don't make a right. My family was able to forgive me in a matter of days and even they tried to convince him. I guess he was too stubborn against me to do what was right and work this out. What part of the vows "....forsake all others...." do you not understand? Even Jesus Christ himself refered to Divorce in the case of Adultery. Actually, that's the only reason that he said in favor of Divorce. Him stay? That would make it too worse for your husband to stay. Have you considered the thoughts and nightmares, let alone the triggers that your ex-husband was/is having? I noticed that you still call your Ex-husband your Husband, you need to let him go, all the way, even from the alimony! He shouldn't have to pay for your affair! Remember, you can still sell the house and get out from under that. But he shouldn't have to pay alimony to you for the rest of his life for something that wasn't his fault. If you really and truely love that man, stop hurting him, and let him go!
Steadfast Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Stop playing the victim. I was trying to get your attention and apparently I did. Good. Now listen to me. You will never get your ex back. That train has left the station a long time ago. You're a remorseless serial cheater and your husband would have been an imbecile not to have divorced you under the circumstances. He would be an even bigger imbecile to get back together with you. You show an almost sociopathic lack of remorse and insight in your thread. Not once have you considered "What is best for my ex?" Actions have consequences. You cheated, you repeated, and you're paying the price. Your ex was acting purely out of self-defense. The most constructive thing that can occur for you in this conversation is to understand that your brand of b*llsh*t doesn't fly. At all. I hope you have a happy future and find someone else to be happy with, assuming you have learned your lesson. And that lesson is: If you don't want to be treated like a cheap wh*re, then don't act like one. This is hall of fame material here. Wow. Shock and awe stuff to be sure. Spoken with strength and conviction. All selfish cheaters on take note! No question the best post I've read here. Period. Bravo. Not because it's bold and direct, but because it's true.
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