Bobbie2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 This one may be long. Background is in order – I had a great H and a great marriage. H worked hard to put me through graduate school and the plan was to graduate and start our life together. I graduated with a nursing degree and as part of my program was scheduled as a resident in a local hospital. I was 24 at the time and my mentor was 47. I never intended anything to happen, but he was paying attention to me, and we started an EA that took about 4 months to turn into a PA (full-blown). We shared some kisses and inappropriate moments before then but took about 4 months before we went past the point of no return. The EA/PA went on for about 5 months and then the OM broke it off. I was devastated, and several days after he broke it off, I admitted the affair to my H. He was in shock, was angry and sad, but said he’d give it a chance to work on things. He requested MC, breaking off any and all contact with OM, that I pursue him (he felt neglected between school and the A). I seriously thought I could do it. After things were going well for a couple months, I needed to get closure and share my anger with OM so I started calling him several times a day trying to get through to him. We talked once and had some texts back and forth. I was grieving the loss of the friendship and for the position that he had put me in. By pursuing me, he had a part in ruining my marriage! Anyway – H caught wind of that cell phone bill and recognized the calls. He left and then came back after a couple days, but things were never the same after that. He started doing more and more things on his own and distancing himself from me. I think I saw it happening but was too afraid for my marriage to put things together. In the midst of this, I bumped into an old co-worker of ours, and developed a friendship with him and his family. My H never really approved of this and was always uncomfortable, but never made things strongly known. I just wish he could have seen how well the two of us could have been friends with this guy and his wife. Instead, it just drove him further and further away. All he could focus on was the fact that we talked a great deal and texted a great deal and did a few things together. I just wish he would have trusted me! I had a couple of mistakes beyond that that he freaked out about – a couple calls to the original OM telling him that I forgave him and wanted to move on, and a couple of times that I got together with old co-worker that he found out about (I didn’t want to hide it, but I knew he’d flip out so I kept it secret). Anyway, about a year ago he left and filed for D, and it got really ugly with our house and alimony needs that I had. He was beyond cruel and lined up his family against mine. I feel like he hates me, but I miss him so much. I understand he’s dating again. Is there any chance of us getting together? I keep holding out hope.
califnan Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Have you spoken to him recently to tell him how you feel .. or are the latter developments with family and finances overwhelming the situation too much..
bentnotbroken Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Is this post a joke? If not, you don't deserve trust. You didn't earn it. You put what you wanted...the affair, closer with OM, and new friendship in front of your husband. I pray he finds someone who can appreciate and respect him. Move on. You made your choice, now it is time to own it.
Author Bobbie2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Is this post a joke? If not, you don't deserve trust. You didn't earn it. You put what you wanted...the affair, closer with OM, and new friendship in front of your husband. I pray he finds someone who can appreciate and respect him. Move on. You made your choice, now it is time to own it. I realize I made some mistakes. I get that. I just wish I could now get back what I had. I realize I did some selfish things, HUGE mistakes. But I know we could get back to where we were...I just wish I could have one more chance. He never told me of his plans to leave, and just up and left one day. I would have worked it out. I guess you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truly.
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Is this post a joke? If not, you don't deserve trust. You didn't earn it. You put what you wanted...the affair, closer with OM, and new friendship in front of your husband. I pray he finds someone who can appreciate and respect him. Move on. You made your choice, now it is time to own it. --------------------- "Can women and men be friends?" and "When is it ok to have an affair" .. In this world of anything goes, whatever makes us feel good .. That's where we are.. People are reaching out of their marriages - to even friends, for fulfillment ..
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I realize I made some mistakes. I get that. I just wish I could now get back what I had. I realize I did some selfish things, HUGE mistakes. But I know we could get back to where we were...I just wish I could have one more chance. He never told me of his plans to leave, and just up and left one day. I would have worked it out. I guess you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truly. ------------------ Bobbie, your husband wants a wife all to himself. If you feel that you are ready to fit, and without reaching out to others - then when the opportunity presents itself - tell him how you feel.. Most likely he will not be able to pursue any serious relationship, as long as this is between the two of you ..
Author Bobbie2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Have you spoken to him recently to tell him how you feel .. or are the latter developments with family and finances overwhelming the situation too much.. He asked me not to call or text and I have respected that since the D. I keep waiting and hoping for him to come back...it's stupid, I know, but I don't know any other way. Is there any way to get closure?
spicyjan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Learn from your mistakes and move on, I don't think you can have him back.
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 He asked me not to call or text and I have respected that since the D. I keep waiting and hoping for him to come back...it's stupid, I know, but I don't know any other way. Is there any way to get closure? --------------------------- How long has it been since the last time you spoke? Did he know as of that time, that you still cared, and wanted to get back together?
Author Bobbie2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 --------------------------- How long has it been since the last time you spoke? Did he know as of that time, that you still cared, and wanted to get back together? It's been 8 months now... I told him I cared but he said he didn't believe me based on my actions.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 the OM if he hadn't gotten tired of you...it happens in 99% of EA/PA...they are the same IMHO..who knows..maybe the OM will be hardup and want another quickie:D
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 the OM if he hadn't gotten tired of you...it happens in 99% of EA/PA...they are the same IMHO..who knows..maybe the OM will be hardup and want another quickie:D ------------------ You are the "dad of two Girls" ... Then Straighten Up !
fooled once Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I posted this on your other thread... I doubt he will come back. You broke his trust over and over again. There is only so much some people can take. He doesn't trust you and with good reason. The OM had nothing to do with breaking your marriage apart. YOU kept calling and calling him - you did this. You need to own what you have done. He probably does hate you - but you gave him reason to. Can you blame him for pitting his family against you? You cheated, you lied, you continued to lie .... he even tried to work on the marriage, but you seem to have been more focused on the OM and this 'closure' you needed. What about what your H needed? He needed honestly. He needed you focused on mending the marriage you destroyed. Please leave your H alone. Let him build a new relationship. Let him put this behind him. It is the nicest thing you could do for him. You wrote: He never told me of his plans to leave, and just up and left one day. Well.... you never told him of your plans to cheat. And he gave you a chance to fix your marriage, yet you again and again and again broke that trust. What more do you expect from him?
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 It's been 8 months now... I told him I cared but he said he didn't believe me based on my actions. -------------------- Bobbie, we are living in the world of "new beginnings" ..People are always seeking the fresh start.. Divorced people don't seem to get back together too often - but only time will tell. Go on with your life. Do all the things you can as far as enhancing your future. Career improvement, self improvement, walking, gym, etc. It seems that his family may have been instrumental in his decision. At another time, you may run into him again - or he may contact you .. Go on with your life in the meantime..
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 did the word 'quickie' become taboo? ---------------- It was your whole statement including your title. How is that helpful.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 ...I think she should just leave her ex alone... She's made too many bad CHOICES, not mistakes. Her affair was a choice, her calling the OM was a choice, her getting involved with a male friend when her husband was trying to rebuild was a choice. Now that when he's moving on and they are finally divorced, she wants him back? WTF? why? why after everything she's done, why would she think he'd want her after what she did?
bentnotbroken Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 ...I think she should just leave her ex alone... She's made too many bad CHOICES, not mistakes. Her affair was a choice, her calling the OM was a choice, her getting involved with a male friend when her husband was trying to rebuild was a choice. Now that when he's moving on and they are finally divorced, she wants him back? WTF? why? why after everything she's done, why would she think he'd want her after what she did? Bull's eye #2.
Darth Vader Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 (edited) ...I think she should just leave her ex alone... She's made too many bad CHOICES, not mistakes. Her affair was a choice, her calling the OM was a choice, her getting involved with a male friend when her husband was trying to rebuild was a choice. Now that when he's moving on and they are finally divorced, she wants him back? WTF? why? why after everything she's done, why would she think he'd want her after what she did? Agreed! Affairs are not mistakes, they're intensional! Alimony needs that you had? What, did the court award you alimony, from your cheating on your husband? Man the courts SUCK big time if that happened! Hi BNB! Edited May 13, 2010 by Darth Vader
CrayonAngel Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 (he felt neglected between school and the A). I seriously thought I could do it. Really????????? This gives me the impression that if he hadn't broke it off with you, you would still be doing it! I needed to get closure and share my anger with OM so I started calling him several times a day trying to get through to him. We talked once and had some texts back and forth. I was grieving the loss of the friendship and for the position that he had put me in. By pursuing me, he had a part in ruining my marriage! You willingly let him in, he had nothing to do with your marriage and the fact that you still wanted to contact him for "closure" is a load of BS! In the midst of this, I bumped into an old co-worker of ours, and developed a friendship with him and his family. My H never really approved of this and was always uncomfortable, but never made things strongly known. I just wish he could have seen how well the two of us could have been friends with this guy and his wife. Instead, it just drove him further and further away. All he could focus on was the fact that we talked a great deal and texted a great deal and did a few things together. What a slap in the face to your husband! I can't even begin to imagine why you thought this would be okay given your track record? I just wish he would have trusted me! you shattered any chance of that over and over again.... I understand he’s dating again. Is there any chance of us getting together? so..this is why you are here asking us this. Your husband is dating and I'm sure it sucks for you to think of, but just imagine him doing it behind your back while living with you and pretending to be something he is not. I'm pretty sure he isn't coming back! Let him move on and find someone who can be faithful.
Author Bobbie2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 (he felt neglected between school and the A). I seriously thought I could do it. Really????????? This gives me the impression that if he hadn't broke it off with you, you would still be doing it! I needed to get closure and share my anger with OM so I started calling him several times a day trying to get through to him. We talked once and had some texts back and forth. I was grieving the loss of the friendship and for the position that he had put me in. By pursuing me, he had a part in ruining my marriage! You willingly let him in, he had nothing to do with your marriage and the fact that you still wanted to contact him for "closure" is a load of BS! In the midst of this, I bumped into an old co-worker of ours, and developed a friendship with him and his family. My H never really approved of this and was always uncomfortable, but never made things strongly known. I just wish he could have seen how well the two of us could have been friends with this guy and his wife. Instead, it just drove him further and further away. All he could focus on was the fact that we talked a great deal and texted a great deal and did a few things together. What a slap in the face to your husband! I can't even begin to imagine why you thought this would be okay given your track record? I just wish he would have trusted me! you shattered any chance of that over and over again.... I understand he’s dating again. Is there any chance of us getting together? so..this is why you are here asking us this. Your husband is dating and I'm sure it sucks for you to think of, but just imagine him doing it behind your back while living with you and pretending to be something he is not. I'm pretty sure he isn't coming back! Let him move on and find someone who can be faithful. I can't lie - if he hadn't broken it off, I don't know what would have happened because I was so involved. I don't say this to gloat, I say this realizing that I am a weak person and thank God things happened to break it off. I will never do that again. I can't see how the friend was a slap in the face. If my H would have just come to me and said he didn't want him around I would have listened. Instead, he just would roll his eyes when I mentioned his name and try and find excuses not to hang out with him. And he would just get super irritated when I tried. I think our issue was communication, plain and simple.
Author Bobbie2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Agreed! Affairs are not mistakes, they're intensional! Alimony needs that you had? What, did the court award you alimony, from your cheating on your husband? Man the courts SUCK big time if that happened! Hi BNB! He abandoned me with our house, our dog, alone in the suburbs while he moved closer to work. He left me with all of the expenses. I couldn't survive on my own. I hate being dependent on him, but there was no way around it. I would have probably had to sell the house and move back home if I didn't get anything because my student loan payments are too big to really handle.
Author Bobbie2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 ...I think she should just leave her ex alone... She's made too many bad CHOICES, not mistakes. Her affair was a choice, her calling the OM was a choice, her getting involved with a male friend when her husband was trying to rebuild was a choice. Now that when he's moving on and they are finally divorced, she wants him back? WTF? why? why after everything she's done, why would she think he'd want her after what she did? I will own up to my choices - the affair and calling OM were bad choices - big mistakes that I made. The friend was just that. A FRIEND. There was nothing physical that ever happened between us. I would think he'd want me back because we were meant to be together. I do love him and it took me this to realize just how much I do and how strong my love is. He won't have what we had with anybody. I know that in my heart.
bentnotbroken Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I can't lie - if he hadn't broken it off, I don't know what would have happened because I was so involved. I don't say this to gloat, I say this realizing that I am a weak person and thank God things happened to break it off. I will never do that again. I can't see how the friend was a slap in the face. If my H would have just come to me and said he didn't want him around I would have listened. Instead, he just would roll his eyes when I mentioned his name and try and find excuses not to hang out with him. And he would just get super irritated when I tried. I think our issue was communication, plain and simple. Your issue is your ability to bury your head in the sand when things don't happen the way you want them to. Communication isn't always verbal. You were aware of his body language told you he didn't trust you with this guy and you knew it or you wouldn't have snuck around behind his back to deal with how ever many more men friends. You didn't care what his feelings were. You only wanted what you wanted. Did you go to him and ask him what you could do to re-earn his trust...doubt it. Use some common sense. Most men don't want their wife hanging with men if she has already screwed one.
linwood Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 He won't have what we had with anybody. I know that in my heart. Probably true. He may find a woman who might think of him and their relationship before herself. Move on, the best thing you can do for him is leave him alone.
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