lisal0u Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Hi everyone! A little help and advice would be appreciated! Heres my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t230024/ I dont really know whats going on but Ive been seeing quite a lot of the ex lately and Im not sure if its ok or if its going to do me no good in the long run. He moved all his stuff out today and I helped and had a nose round his new place! I was ok but I guess its a bit weird that the dumped helps the dumpee move into their new pad! He's said a few things lately that make me wonder what his intentions might be. Hes said it would be good to go back or forward a year and he has no idea what he's doing anymore. Hes found reasons to stop by and I haven't exactly stopped him. My friend has told me that we can't depend on each other for friendship because when one of us finds someone else it will be like splitting up all over again! It really hard not to though as we still get on really well! I really don't know if I would want him back if he wanted to come back. I think we both need time on our own as we are each others first and only and were togther 14 years. Im not really sure what Im doing....Help!!
Ronni_W Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Im not really sure what Im doing....Help!! Hugs, lisal0u. When I was in a similar head space, the best advice I got was, "Just do whatever the hell feels like it's a good idea or will bring some comfort-relief in the moment." It didn't sound too wise at the time, but it worked out okay. With hindsight, I think I was also be guided to not analyze and over-think every bloody thing as if the rest of my life depended on it. Or, to trust my intuition and 'feelings' a little more. Doing it like that worked out okay. Baby-steps to happiness...and, until we get there, nothing wrong -- and perhaps everything right -- with just doing what feels "good" or "right" for us, in the moment. Best of luck with all of it
Author lisal0u Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Thanks Ronnie! The advice about not over analysing things I am going to listen to If I dwell on every little thing he does I'll go mad! I will definately do what makes me feel good and being his friend at the minute does. I just dont think I could cut him out of my life at the minute even if I wanted too! I asked him today why things didnt work out with the other woman and apparently she told him he wasnt over me. I dont think you ever get over someone that you have been with that long. Thank you for your helpfull advice x
hopesndreams Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 The more dealings you have with him, the more he can wean himself off you. He doesn't get to experience the pain of you no longer being in his life. Without that, he has lost nothing and has suffered no consequences. Having light-hearted chit chats, visiting his new pad, questioning him about the OW he left you for is not the way to go. Sever the connections and ties. Only then will you know what he truly wants to do/feels and then you won't be playing the guessing/what if games which will only drive you insane or lead you down the road of your heart, which is already broken and tender, smashed into a zillion pieces.
Author lisal0u Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 The more dealings you have with him, the more he can wean himself off you. He doesn't get to experience the pain of you no longer being in his life. Without that, he has lost nothing and has suffered no consequences. Having light-hearted chit chats, visiting his new pad, questioning him about the OW he left you for is not the way to go. Sever the connections and ties. Only then will you know what he truly wants to do/feels and then you won't be playing the guessing/what if games which will only drive you insane or lead you down the road of your heart, which is already broken and tender, smashed into a zillion pieces. You are probably right! I'm making his life much easier and I shouldnt. Its like having an addiction or a really bad habbit and its really hard to break. How do I stop caring for someone after so long? Theres still stuff of his left at the house and he's left his fax machine till he gets it set up at his flat and his pet lizard. Once all that has gone then Ill be able to get that break from him. I honestly thought him moving out yesterday would really upset me but it didnt. It just made me a bit more nervous about having a lodger and having no money for a while. My plan is to not contact him and let him do the contacting, if he does, then decide to answer or not. A bit off topic but Ive applied for a new job at work which comes with a nice little payrise which will help a lot
Author lisal0u Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 The fundamental point is that he ended the relationship with you! He left and move on to someone else and really without a second thought about you and your feelings. Now it hasn't worked out he talks about how much he 'misses you'. Maybe I'm wrong :confused: but if he missed you so much why did he end the relationship in the 1st place. If things were going well with new now ex girlfriend would he even give you a second thought....maybe...or more likely maybe not. I sent this video to a friend of mine a while a back. This might give you some clarity. I don't know only you can decide http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePDcGP50x2c. Sometimes we have to think with our heads and not with our hearts. You decide what best for you and the consequences of your actions. :). Sometimes our ex is an ex for a very good reason. Thanks Ill have a look at that video later! I think once he's totally moved I wont hear a lot from him, I guess we will see. He's said he will come help me this weekend sort the house out cos it looks like a bomb has gone off after moving all his stuff! I really miss his company and hate being lonely. Im scared about the future and the thought of meeting other men makes me feel uneasy! He was such a lovely person when we were together and theres so many idiots out there. If I think with my head it tells me that I shouldnt set myself up for another fall but also that I think I can handle being friends. My heart is still tender and misses him a lot. Im really conflicted at the minute. I would love to ask him how he feels about things now but I wont. Like he said, I would love to either go back a year or forward a year. Id change a lot in the last year and it would be nice to see whats going to happen in the future.
Ronni_W Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 My heart is still tender Nurture the tender spots, Lisal0u. Be gentle and compassionate with your Self; send your love, hugs and kisses to the spots that need it. And in your conscious awareness, stay ultra-vigilant to not be setting up your Heart for another disappointment. You're only going to feel let-down again if you don't stay in total charge of your thoughts and feelings. It's totally possible to take comfort from his company and whatever, and AT THE SAME TIME be reminding yourself that it's just temporary, until you're strong enough to not need him anymore, at all, for anything. The trick is to just keep reminding yourself that the genuine relationship/closeness is over, and the current is more of an illusion. It's not always easy -- sometimes it's darned difficult! -- but it is possible. And, of course, cease and desist the moment it stops being comforting You know your own strengths and limits. Work the strengths, don't go over the limits. Take care of yourself...which, IMO, includes taking comfort from whichever sources you can find it. Big hugs, and kisses for your tender spots
Author lisal0u Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Thanks for the kind words and hugs Ronnie! Seen him again tonight and Im not going to lie and say it wasnt nice to see him. He asked if he could drop some food in for the lizard. We chatted for ages and he told me that his best friend had given him a grilling about seeing me and talking to me. Saying that if we hang around all the time we will probably just end up getting back together and probably not for the right reasons. The other woman is considering getting back with her husband apparently because he started seeing someone else and has made her realise that she doesnt want to lose him. I get the impression the ex is quite hurt by it all. He still wants to see me obviously as he wouldnt have come round tonight. I just dont want to be the fall back because its all gone wrong with the other woman. I dont know what to do because I miss him a lot and we still get on really well. I want to still see him. I want the person he was back and I wish I could erase these last months. Its really hard because I dont know what he's thinking. If he told me he just wanted to be friends and there really wasnt anything else to it then that would be ok because we could still be friends. If he wanted more I would consider it but obviously we both have a lot to work out. I cant be the one to bring it up though, for me to believe he is sincere it has to come from him! Has anyone else exerienced this? What happened and what did you do? xx
hopesndreams Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Do you think you could be just friends with him until you fall out of love? I'll tell you what he's thinking. It's pretty simple really but impossible to figure out while you are in such pain and not giving yourself the distance to figure it out for yourself. He's waiting it out. He is the type of man that cannot be alone, ever. He is still pursuing the MOW and yes, keeping you on standby in case things don't work out with her. He is waiting for her to leave her husband and she is playing the twisted, selfish, heartless game of keeping him waiting because she too, enjoys the attention of two people in her life. The game she is playing with him, he is playing with you. Ego boost for both of them. Will these 2 selfish cowards ever get together in the end? Possibly. It could be tomorrow, next month or years from now. While this is happening, you are not living your life and moving on. As long as they both have others as fall back plans, her moreso than him, because she is still with her H, whereas your man has left you and moved into his own apartment, but he is using you, and your good heart, to not feel guilt.
Author lisal0u Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 hopesndreams - I fear you are right and that is eactly what is happening! Its so messy right now because I don't really know what is going on. Apparently the ex and the other woman had a long conversation about it all today, Id love to know what was said! I will not be second best! I am worth so much more then that. I just know we were good together for such a long time and I cant imagine haing that connection with someone else! I do think I could be friends with him untill I fall out of love with him, i think I already have to some extent. I feel for the OW's ex because I think she is playing games with him. She only wants him back because he's got someone else. I imagine jealousy is playing a big part. She wasnt prepared to work at their marriage untill she knew he had someone else. The romantic in me wants to think that he really regrets everything and there will be big gestures come from him to try and work things out but the realist in me thinks he is hurt by the OW's actions and I'm a comfort to him, Im familiar. Sigh
hopesndreams Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Apparently the ex and the other woman had a long conversation about it all today, Id love to know what was said! He is using you to make her jealous. Like he said, she went back to H coz he was moving on with a new gf and she became jealous. He is hoping her jealousy of you will get her to leave her H. I do think I could be friends with him untill I fall out of love with him, i think I already have to some extent. That's a dangerous game you are playing with yourself. Im familiar. Yes, a comfort and that's it. As long as the man you are in love with is still in the picture, you will not, cannot, move on. You wish this and that and do wishes come true? Why waste your life and living for a wish?
Ronni_W Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 The other woman is considering getting back with her husband apparently because he started seeing someone else and has made her realise that she doesnt want to lose him. I get the impression the ex is quite hurt by it all. This is disconcerting, is it not? I hear you that you don't want to be the fallback, but if you read everything you wrote after that...well it's kind of like you've already decided that you would be the fallback under the "right" conditions and circumstances. That's how it comes across, I mean. His coming around to see you doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to spend the type (quality) of time with you that you might hope or secretly be wishing for. It could just be him satisfying his own feelings of confusion and fears about what's going on with the other woman. That is, it could be him using you and your good will purely for his own purposes. This would suck but...well, you gotta stay extra-vigilant, is the truth of it. Getting on really well doesn't mean anything, either, other than you get on well. I lived in our "former matrimonial home" with my ex-husband for almost a decade. We got on really well, too -- were much more supportive/understanding friends than spouses, that's fersure. A difference might be that there was no point at which I seriously considered reconciling with him. Though I probably would have tried it if there was the slightest chance of things improving sufficiently. I want the person he was back and I wish I could erase these last months. Hugs, lisal0u. It would indeed be wonderful to be able to erase the crappy parts of our pasts -- I'd definitely sign-up for that program! Except, of course, we'd be sacrificing any hope of ever becoming wiser and stronger. Maybe how to do it is to accept that, for all intents and purposes, the person who he was is dead. [because] Since then, he has acquired new experiences that means he will never be the same. Yes, it's "growth and development" but it still means the "old" him no longer exists. Similarly, YOU have changed and won't be able to go back being exactly who you were. You've experienced and endured in ways that will permanently alter some of your beliefs and perceptions about yourself and the world around you. Its really hard because I dont know what he's thinking. You could ask yourself how it would be any easier if you did know what he's thinking. I mean...it's much more important what YOU are thinking about the current situation, what you deserve, and what you want for your own future. It wouldn't do your heart any good if you're just kinda waiting/hoping for him to make decisions with which you'll just follow along, either getting back together or going your separate ways. I think. Make your own decisions. If YOU want to be just friends, then tell him. In any case, it won't hurt for you to let him know that you have started the process of moving on without him. And then really start doing exactly that. I honestly would not be hanging around sending (unspoken) messages that he is in charge of my fate. It can also happen that the longer you two hang out as friends, the more the relationship will naturally transform into a friendship. You may even begin to see qualities in him that you weren't conscious of before; qualities that you don't really like that much. And then you might realize that you actually are not interested in getting back with him...even if he wanted to. It sucks, huh? Why didn't somebody tell us that life could get this complicated? Hang in there. An hour at a time, if that's all you can manage.
Ilovecake Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 He moved all his stuff out today and I helped and had a nose round his new place! I was ok but I guess its a bit weird that the dumped helps the dumpee move into their new pad! My ex helped me move, it's the least he could do. Secondly your ex moved his stuff out, I think you know what his intentions are. Like your friend said he's going to hang around until he finds someone else. This is why he dumped you so he can start seeing other people.
lexie Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Hi Lisa, How are you going? I hope that everything is going okay!!
Author lisal0u Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 Hi everyone, thanks for all you're helpfull comments, you've given me lots to think about! Still dont really know what I'm doing! I think I'm probably being really stupid! I've seen the ex Monday night and tonight! We've just been watching tv and chatting. I want to believe that I'd be ok if he told me he'd got a new girlfriend but I don't think I would be! I also have no idea how I feel about him anymore but i know id be upset if he started seeing someone else and then stopped contacting me! It's like I can't process any of it till it actually happens and I don't know how I'll react or feel till it does! It almost like I can see a car crash coming but keep driving anyway arghhhhh I just that I like his company and I miss him. I want to ask him outright what's going on just so I know! Anyone want to send me on a 3 month holiday ha ha xx
LisaUk Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Hi Lisa, I haven't had this experience so can only really try to put myself in your shoes from the perspective of how I felt 3 months after my ex left, if that makes sense? I think it is understandable that you would take every opprotunity to spend time with him, I know I would have with the thought of hope in my mind, maybe if we spend some time together he will wnat to reconcile? Is that what you are thinking? Are you preventing yourself from asking b/c deep down you don't wnat to hear him answer no? I really don't know what to advise you Lisa, I can say to you all the things I know to be true from being on here nearly a year, that you may be the fall back, that you may not be he may genuinely be thinking of getting back together with you, that you need to consider how he treated you and cheated on you and won't even admit to it etc etc, none of it will make any difference though, as I know if I was in your shoes I would be doing the same thing as you. The heart does not stop locing b/c the head tells it to. I wish there was more I could do/say. Hugs
Author lisal0u Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 Hiya, Bit of an update... Still been seeing lots of the ex but I'm thinking much more clearly about it now! I enjoy his company but I'm pretty sure I don't love him anymore. We've discussed the other woman and he's even said he fell for her and it didn't make me want to be sick! She's now back with her husband so the ex is now receiving a bit of his own medicine! Not that I would wish that kind of hurt on anyone. It's really bizare the relationship we are now having as friends is the one I always wanted! We've been on lots of days out and lunches and he never wanted to do any of these things when we were together! It is weird sometimes when he will mess about and prod me or pinch me or ruffle my hair. Not really appropriate contact for friends I guess! Everyone thinks what were doing is stupid but all I know is I'm happy doing what were doing. I know we are probably setting each other up for a fall as our friendship will change when one of us gets someone else. Four months ago I felt so bad i thought I was going to die but I feel so much stronger now! I still worry about the future and am still not interested in getting into a new relationship yet but I'm honestly doing ok! You guys were right! The only thing that helps is time and people to talk to. Thanks for all the support! I'm sure I'll be here for a while longer yet and I hope to give back as much help and advice as I have received! Keep breathing, keep busy and keep talking lisa xxx
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