scatterd Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Why is it that my cheating husband that asked for a divorce in Sept then Denys it wanted to work it out.blames for everything and treats me like dirt.I took money out of the bank and have my papers to fill out My Aunt passed a few months ago my back went out and Before that my dad died and then my cold husband is cruel.Help me to get over him.I dont understand why he is so cruel to me I sware its like he changed over night.Im sorry if I sound weird but Im shaking and crying now.He lies comes home late caught him sneaking a phone call to girl at work.He expects me to be over it but he has broke his promises such as counseling you name it.I thought we had a great marriage and this happened over night.Im tiered of him seeing me cry and not caring.I just am so hurt the tears keep coming and Im so depressed.What do i say how do I act in till I can move out?:lmao:
monkeywithagun Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 wow,. im sorry all this happened to you :( you need to move out asap. and go NC because he is a douche and doesnt deserve you sticking around for him.
hopesndreams Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Do the 180. That's all there is left at this point. It will help you gain strength and it will confuse the h*ll out of him. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. Time for scatterd to love herself and put herself first. Do what you want to do, go where you want to go. Get busy enjoying your life. If/when he wants to join you, you call the shots. Are you planning on moving out of your home?
Author scatterd Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Thankyou I will do my best I am real tired of hurting its been going on for so long I dont understand what I did to deserve this from him but I guess it does not matter.Again Thankyou!
TwoForgiving Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Just ignore him. His behavior is his way of dealing with his guilt for being a lousy husband - he's deflecting all his faults onto you. I had been through it myself in the past with almost exactly the same circumstances as yours. My ex went as far as telling family and friends that I had done all the things that he actually did - I was the one who cheated, lied, abandoned him, stole money out of our bank account, etc. My true friends and family knew the truth because they knew me - as for his friends I didn't care what they thought since I never had to see them again. I'm sure they still think I was a wicked witch to my ex but after all these years who cares?? And until you can move out, ignore him, think of yourself first, take care of yourself, and prepare for a new life without this loser.
califnan Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I think living with an indifferent spouse, is the most hurtfull and lonely thing that can happen in a marriage. Try to ignore him, schedule things around him. If at all possible - try to set up sleeping arrangements in your own room of the household .. Think upon the good things that God has for you, and plan your future .. and with more sanity, as well ..
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Because that's what cheaters do!!! they rewrite history and change things to make YOU look like a bad guy! Ignore it and keep it moving.
Author scatterd Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Sounds like someone who's done this and has no compassion for others that why he thinks hes an alpha male.crying is not sincere?I sware on my life Im going through hell He has changed my family and friends have seen.
Author scatterd Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 I have been on this site for a while ive been so down its been hard to write about it.But thanks for the kind one that are here to help.Thanks
CrayonAngel Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 What is keeping you from moving out? You need to be away from this man. He sounds mentally abusive. I agree with Hopesndreams do the 180. Good luck
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Honey, YOU cannot change him. You CAN change yourself. I know it takes some time when someone you loves abuses you, for what you know to catch up with what you believe/feel. The faster you can make that happen the better for you. Stop asking why and accept that he is being abusive. Don't waste one word pointing out what he's doing. Accept that he is no longer able to love you and that it has nothing at all to do with YOU or your self-worth. This is his problem, his illness, his messing up his life. Does it affect you??? Heck yeah, but damage control needs to be your immediate concern. Would you question, ask why, cry about someone who you don't love that treated you that way??? Would you stand up for yourself, cut them out of your life without a second thought because they were crazy and toxic. Let him move on with his crazy self to the unsuspecting girl at work. Here's your new motto: "If that's the way that you want it, its the way I want it more!" (Jim Croce) I'm very sorry for your pain. Most women expecially will have a high tolerance for this before they loose love and respect for a man that they love. I wish to hell they made a pill for that. Hope is not your friend.
bittersweet memories Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Sounds like someone who's done this and has no compassion for others that why he thinks hes an alpha male.crying is not sincere?I sware on my life Im going through hell He has changed my family and friends have seen. Scattered...follow the list above. Stick to it and I hope you find the strength to leave him.
Author scatterd Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 We have been married close to 17 yrs my back does not allow me work I have had to save money little by little.My Aunt just passed away and I am forth owner and family will allow me to live there.I have not had mich time to mourn her loss due to his drama.But I am working to get out.It kills me how he has been kicking me when im already down Im shocked and want out now but dam it hurts.
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 We have been married close to 17 yrs my back does not allow me work I have had to save money little by little.My Aunt just passed away and I am forth owner and family will allow me to live there.I have not had mich time to mourn her loss due to his drama.But I am working to get out.It kills me how he has been kicking me when im already down Im shocked and want out now but dam it hurts. -------------------- Don't let it hurt - because you do not know what the Future holds.. It is not uncommon for them to wish to come back after an affair runs it's course.. honestly .. And Thank God, you have somewhere to go - and to take a breath of Fresh Air.. without having to put up with this indifference much longer .. If you two own a home together.. Get it sold. Do the two of you have children?
Author scatterd Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Yes we are buying house attorney i spoke to says its half and and half Husband talked me out of getting divorce and made empty promises. I never thought at my age I would have to start all over his change is the weirdest thing I have seen.At Least my children are grown but it has had some effect on them.Its all about him now so I am trying my best to leave.He was in love with me deeply for so long.He started this after my dad passed and his brother.I think he hardest I cant do the whole yard and everything like I did .due to my back I cant no longer-do that but that is beyond my Conrail. Thank you guys so much again
Author scatterd Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Oh god I need out of here my medication has come up short he starts argument and I cry and asked why do you do this to me then he smiles and dint talk nor look at me.Im truly starting to hate him.He is not the man I married he is whacked.Please pray for me.Im going to my daughter for a few days I cant stand the cruelty but I will bring my computer.Thanks again guys. dirt
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 dirt So a whacked out man defines your selfworth???? You are only as worthy as YOU believe you are. Get away from him while he selfdestructs. Pity him, Pray for him, but his actions don't define you. Think of him as a child of yours selfdestructing. Eventually, you just have to get out of the way. It only endangers you if you stand in his way. Instead, cheer him on. He doesn't decide whether you divorce or not, you do. Infact, he makes NO decisions that affect you without your consent. He also can't make you feel like dirt without your consent. Lean on your kids if you must, but until you stand up for yourself you won't escape this maddness. Its time to love you and let him go. The quicker the better.
Author scatterd Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 I cant be here and I will come and go because he has no compaction I believe he Is wanting me to devoice him so I look bad.He has lied to me called me crazy,said I Am gross he does not want me then he crawls back.He was never this mean to me or I would not have been married so long.I think he feels guilty but wants to hurt me.I am feeling out the papers I still have to come up with more money for the attorney.He waited until my dad died and my back went out I dont think he believes I have had enough pain for a life time.I hope I will feel better when I leave.He told my daughter for the record he does not want a devoice but if I do to do it.He keeps bringing up if we devoice a few times so he has had it on his mind.Look back at my first post.Thank you thank you thank you.
Hopefullyjaded Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 you are away from him. I know it might seem hard to believe but it is true. He has shown you exactly who he is and what he's capable of. I know how bad it hurts my H did the same stuff. Once he was finally out of the house I had a chance to breathe and relax. It was painful to know that he was willing to lose me but it was a relief to go home and be able to rest without worrying that Mr. Mood-swing was going to come through and try to make me feel like trash. There will not be another body in the bed but that means you get the middle. He might not be there to share a meal (mine was out with his girlfriend anyway) but there wont be anyone to complain about your choice of meals of what or what was lacking in your preparation. Have your friends over for dinner. Make some happy memories for yourself and try your best to give attention to the good things you have. Unfortunately you have to make time to mourn but try and set a limit each day for that. I know that sounds tough but it was totally necessary for me. Do things you love. Just take it one day at a time. You will be surprised at how much peace there is when the source of tension is not there! Remember this too, you cannot lose what you never had. And not to be cliche but it truly is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. You were brave and you put yourself out there. He is a coward running from himself. You can do this.
Author scatterd Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Im at my daughters house Im much calmer my family wants to help me their not happy how he bounced all he did on to me they want me out I did not realize that he is changing me also they said they can see the sadness in my eyes and life is to short for this I agree.But I guess I took my vow serious and meant it for life,At this time I want no one else I dint know if I ever will I will spend it with my family I do hurt I cant believe this I loved him so much and I thought it was for ever.
Author scatterd Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Well husband dropped by today to bring cord to my computer He said hi I said hi back went out to have a smoke My daughter told him we went out and I was hypnotized which we did we had fun he told my daughter he was going to the doctor that's why he came so early that was his excuse for yesterday and the doctor is clear over by our house.that's three hours before work our other daughter lives there at our house he came home earlier then he had been.He said so you are staying here for a week or so I said yes then he kissed and said good by he seemed like he really does not care.He asked my daughter for the grand child and is coming to take him to the movies tomorrow.No cares for him its all about him but I did my best to not appears concerned is this a game with him?
BB07 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 scatterd, don't be his doormat and his dumping ground OK. Take care of yourself and enjoy your time with your daughter and grandchild. Let your family help you sort out this mess, but don't let him jerk you around over and over. Hugs.......
Author scatterd Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 I am having a hard time since he came over it hurts to know he does not love me.Before i called his work and his employees was real rude to me saying he was not there then he was working out three times a day so I wont call him there anyway.How long will this pain last?I wish he had some compassion I dont understand how a person can treat another person so bad after being together so long.I have to wonder if he will regret this I was faithful and would be by his side forever but I cant allow mental abuse.I guess god has something in mind for me. thank you for the support
Author scatterd Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 You have men treat woman like crap any woman with sense would stay away you sound like a scorned woman.I don't need nor want your advice.So go post somewhere that people like to think thats the way to do it.The thought of the way you think is enough to make a woman run.This Is not for my benefit its to kick a person when they are down
hopesndreams Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 How long will this pain last? It takes a long time. The best way to end the pain, sooner rather than later, is to have NC. The kids are grown, there is no need to ever see him again or hear his voice. Everything now can be done through lawyers. Do you hang on and fight, hoping he'll have regrets and beg forgiveness? No. You put yourself 1st from now on. He doesn't want you? Plenty out there would. Why would you want a cheater anyways? Cheaters are garbage, he has major issues, not worth your time and is undeserving of you. You've read the many posts here on LS and are a good contributor. You know the score. You know what to do, so, do it! Do it for you.
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