youaretheone Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 This might take some time to read so I will appreciate your patience for reading it. There was this girl I mentioned in my earlier topic. We had our second official date today and I went in for a peck on the lips. She did not resist but responded with "What did that mean?". I said "It means what it makes you think." and smiled at her. Then she says "Don't you think we need to decide on one thing first?", implying that I ask her to be my gf before kissing her. I do not want it to be that quick so I tell her that we can take it slow if she needs to. Then she gets a bit nervous because I still don't make it exclusive and she suddenly starts telling me how much she is attracted to me, how different I am and how she is feeling very comfortable around me, giving me all the compliments she can. I stay quiet and ask her if that is so, what the problem after I kissed her was. She tells me that she is just out of a 6 years LTR, she made herself ready for a single life but then at an unexpected time, she met me and she is confused inside. She also says that she does not want to hurt me by making me a rebound guy. I tell her I am not making her or rushing her into anything, I just want to make sure that she makes a healthy decision. She asks me "Do you think I should give it a chance?" and I answer "I never miss a chance that is presented to me, because taking it is better than never trying and regretting it later on.". Then she asks me the date and says she will give it a chance then. Before I give any response to her, her friend is there. She introduces me to her, we rarely talk next to her and they leave in a few minutes because they are late to somewhere. Now, I am the one who is confused and I would be happy to take your advice on what to do next. I really like her but the talk after the kiss did turn me off a little. I am moodless now and don't know how to proceed from here.
mike1988 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 This might take some time to read so I will appreciate your patience for reading it. There was this girl I mentioned in my earlier topic. We had our second official date today and I went in for a peck on the lips. She did not resist but responded with "What did that mean?". I said "It means what it makes you think." and smiled at her. Then she says "Don't you think we need to decide on one thing first?", implying that I ask her to be my gf before kissing her. I do not want it to be that quick so I tell her that we can take it slow if she needs to. Then she gets a bit nervous because I still don't make it exclusive and she suddenly starts telling me how much she is attracted to me, how different I am and how she is feeling very comfortable around me, giving me all the compliments she can. I stay quiet and ask her if that is so, what the problem after I kissed her was. She tells me that she is just out of a 6 years LTR, she made herself ready for a single life but then at an unexpected time, she met me and she is confused inside. She also says that she does not want to hurt me by making me a rebound guy. I tell her I am not making her or rushing her into anything, I just want to make sure that she makes a healthy decision. She asks me "Do you think I should give it a chance?" and I answer "I never miss a chance that is presented to me, because taking it is better than never trying and regretting it later on.". Then she asks me the date and says she will give it a chance then. Before I give any response to her, her friend is there. She introduces me to her, we rarely talk next to her and they leave in a few minutes because they are late to somewhere. Now, I am the one who is confused and I would be happy to take your advice on what to do next. I really like her but the talk after the kiss did turn me off a little. I am moodless now and don't know how to proceed from here. She seems like a shy girl to me. I'm not sure how to interpret it other than that way.
Rorschach Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I said "It means what it makes you think." It's not what you asked but this is a REALLY wishy washy line. If that is really what you said (or if you're just paraphrasing I don't know) it makes you sound really weak. Personally I'd probably say something like 'It means I'd like to get to know you better' or just ANYTHING that actually purveys some meaning and not a 'I don't know, what do you wanna do' answer. Anyway that just popped out at me, feel free to disregard. As for the actual question, I'd just play it by ear, if she wants to give it a chance and see where it goes great, if she doesn't then just move on. You can't really force the issue, the ball is in her court and its up to her on how to proceed.
electricity Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Are you sure she wants to be exclusive before kissing? It certainly doesn't sound like she's asking to be exclusive given that talk, more that she wants to know you're dating with the expectation of becoming exclusive at some point in the future. Give her some time. If she says she's confused, she probably is. Are you OK with taking it slow? If so, tell her you're ready to wait for her to be comfortable and won't initiate any more moves like kissing.
Author youaretheone Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Thank you for the replies. Any other opinions on her behaviour?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I don't think she is confused. I just think she isn't really sure if she wants to be your girlfriend. I'd say her interest level is hovering around the 60-70% range. Enough to go out with you, but not enough for anything more than vague answers and 'confusion'. If it were higher - say in the 90-100% range, you wouldn't hear nary a thing about 'confusion' or 'just got out of a relationship'. It might tip more in your favor, it might not. Hard to say. Just play it by ear.
LostInLA Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I agree that you should have made a more specific response than "It means what it makes you think," but also maybe you could have had her clarify her question instead of assuming she meant to ask for an exclusive status. I'm only saying this because I'm 1+ year out of a LTR and just started dating someone about a month ago and I'm not even ready to be exclusive or serious, so just saying, it just sounds like she might be confused about getting into a relationship, not that she isn't interested in you per say. Just ask her out again, get to know her, hold her hand and treat her like a lady. Take it slow and feel it out. A second date was already a good sign. After reading your post again, I'd just like to say that from my point of view, women can be very hesitant in the beginning because we are unsure of a man's intentions. For me personally, I'm worried about being used for sex and/or getting hurt. Just sayin.
Author youaretheone Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Thanks for the replies. They have been very helpful. However, I can't agree with the poster who said that she isn't interested because we are already having a second date and she is all over me, giving me compliments that are explicitly indicating her interest. Now I am hesitant on what to do on our next date. Should I just bring up the topic of being exclusive again or just let it go naturally? I was planning on telling her that her decision at the end of the date sounded like she was in a hurry and I wanted to give her more time to think about it while we continue dating. Does that sound like a good idea?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I can't agree with the poster who said that she isn't interested because we are already having a second date and she is all over me, giving me compliments that are explicitly indicating her interest. I didn't say she wasn't interested. She clearly is interested enough in you to let you take her on dates. That doesn't necessarily mean she wants to make it an exclusive relationship. Her interest is high enough to date, not yet high enough to bump it into 'relationship' status. Perhaps that will change.
paleblue Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I didn't say she wasn't interested. She clearly is interested enough in you to let you take her on dates. That doesn't necessarily mean she wants to make it an exclusive relationship. Her interest is high enough to date, not yet high enough to bump it into 'relationship' status. Perhaps that will change. i am agreeing with this analysis. now you have to ask yourself is it worth it? personally i dont mess around with this kind of junk anymore. its either there with someone or its not. if it were me id make plans to meet someone else.
CLC2008 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 It's not what you asked but this is a REALLY wishy washy line. If that is really what you said (or if you're just paraphrasing I don't know) it makes you sound really weak. Personally I'd probably say something like 'It means I'd like to get to know you better' or just ANYTHING that actually purveys some meaning and not a 'I don't know, what do you wanna do' answer. Anyway that just popped out at me, feel free to disregard. As for the actual question, I'd just play it by ear, if she wants to give it a chance and see where it goes great, if she doesn't then just move on. You can't really force the issue, the ball is in her court and its up to her on how to proceed. I agree with this. I think she was trying to communicate to you her feelings I.e. "we are about to kiss what does this mean for us" which may very well be her way of seeking reassurance, and your response basically implied "its whatever you think it to be". Which means what exactly? She does seem interested in you, based on what you've described.
Author youaretheone Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Well, we seem to have another problem. I applied for master's degree at a school abroad and I might be leaving in 3 months if they accept my offer. However, I still would like to see how it goes even if it is 3 months. What would you do in my shoes? Should I just stay single just because of a possibility of leaving the country or take this chance no matter what and spend the best of times with this sweet girl who I am very compatible with?
CLC2008 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Well, we seem to have another problem. I applied for master's degree at a school abroad and I might be leaving in 3 months if they accept my offer. However, I still would like to see how it goes even if it is 3 months. What would you do in my shoes? Should I just stay single just because of a possibility of leaving the country or take this chance no matter what and spend the best of times with this sweet girl who I am very compatible with? Hard to say, haven't been faced with that before though I do know people who have. I've met people while on vacation but that's really it. You should mention it to her though.
Author youaretheone Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Yesterday, she calls me. She tells me she is in a complicated mood, does not know what to do, needs time to stay on her own and wants to remain single for a while. She also adds that although I am a type of guy she has never met, she could not trust me because I remained silent instead of asking her to be exclusive after kissing her! (I didn't think only valentines could kiss, do they?) She says that we seemed like a couple from outside but we are not so she was confused. She admits that she is old-fashioned.(Too much?) I told her that people don't have to be a couple to become physical and that's a way to test the waters for a possible relationship and that I was planning to ask her to be my gf next time we meet and I could make all her worries go away if she gave us the chance to. Then she says "Ahh, don't tell me that! You are making it difficult!!". I hear a notebook, I guess she has her speech all written down before calling me and she has been reading it from there (because her voice was as if she is reading something, not natural. What a strange girl!). I then tell her what I have written to you in my first post here. She is indecisive and constantly tells me she does not know what to do. I tell her that I totally understand her situation and I will give her time to make the healthiest decision. I also say that she could call me anytime if she changes her mind but she should keep in mind that she is missing a big chance right now. Then we hang up. What are your thoughts on this? Is she likely to call back? I really liked her but this 6 year LTR seems to tear her up.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 (edited) Yesterday, she calls me. She tells me she is in a complicated mood, does not know what to do, needs time to stay on her own and wants to remain single for a while. She also adds that although I am a type of guy she has never met, she could not trust me because I remained silent instead of asking her to be exclusive after kissing her! (I didn't think only valentines could kiss, do they?) She says that we seemed like a couple from outside but we are not so she was confused. She admits that she is old-fashioned.(Too much?) I told her that people don't have to be a couple to become physical and that's a way to test the waters for a possible relationship and that I was planning to ask her to be my gf next time we meet and I could make all her worries go away if she gave us the chance to. Then she says "Ahh, don't tell me that! You are making it difficult!!". ... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes you need to read between the lines of BS. She isn't indecisive. She decided already what she wanted to do. She just needed to find a way to get that across since she clearly lacks the fortitude to be straightforward. She wants to avoid looking like a bitch. Lots of girls do that, much to the confusion and dismay of many a young man who reads 'confusion' as 'I still have a chance'. Let's boil this down - translation: I liked going out with you but I don't want to be your girlfriend. Going out with you more means pressure to be your girlfriend, so I don't want to go out with you anymore either. She is twisting it up, shifting blame, and playing the 'confusion' card to hide that very simple thing. Honestly, your best bet would be to cut your losses and move on. You aren't going to get anything more from this. Edited May 16, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
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