Why can't it be enough?

[Maxxx]

I posted in this thread early on.... And have still been reading I just hope that my soon to be wife loves me as much as I love her and I hope that he is not just saying the words I want to hear.

 

If I find out 5,10, 0r 15 years down the road that she was not sure she loved or was not attracted to me. I will be crushed I am 100% sure or I would not be getting married - that I love my GF and that she is somk'n hot!. How can you marry someone if your not

[Luv2dance]

You're taking the wrong lesson away from your situation. This is an example of trying to re-write the marital history to make your decision to marry seem like it was wrong at the time, which in all likelihood, it was not wrong.

 

I mean did you have any other "better offers" on the table when you accepted his marriage proposal (however you measure what "better offer" means)?

 

Don't know why I bother but...Why did I need to have a "better offer" on the table? Is it not possible that someone could actually be too young and have emotional issues that caused them to make decisions that were wrong?

 

Basically it sounds like you've gotten exactly what you wanted out of your marriage--a loving husband, comfortable life, children--and while your sex life might not have been perfectly satisfactory, it was "good enough" so as to not constitute a deal breaker.

I'll say this again...how could I KNOW if the sex would constitute a deal breaker if I didn't have this knowledge before marriage?? You choose to ignore the facts I present if they don't work with your black & white thinking.

 

Now, however, you're older, and circumstances have changed. You've gotten most if not all of what you wanted to get out of the marriage when you married him in the first place. The kids are older, you're feeling more financially secure, you're "safe" in the relationship. But like many women in your situation you're putting more focus on your sexuality, and blaming your husband for not satisfying your sexual needs.

I have fully admitted in MC that these feelings are coming to a head now that I am reaching a zero bday, however I had these same feelings at 27, 30, 34, etc...this is a normal reaction to getting older and I think I have done the right thing (finally) by dealing with my feelings.

 

This is a very low-risk proposition for you, and you know it. If you decide to have an affair, so what? The marital assets still get split 50-50 in the event of a divorce. If a divorce, same deal. 50-50.

You are the only one throwing out the D word...I am the one who has said I am going to MC and working on making my marriage better.

 

Let me ask you something: In the past five years how many times have you ordered something naughty from Victoria's Secret catalog (or something similar) and actually worn it to bed for your husband? I'll bet if it was once a year that would be a lot. And what was his response?

 

When you came to bed wearing that kinky black lace bra and panty set, merry widow, fishnet and garters, or whatever, did he turn you down? Seriously? And if so, did you try to address that issue to find out why?

So I need kinky VS lingerie in order to get MH to have sex with me?? I would hope that my t-shirt and thong that I sleep in most nights (except for the nights I only have on the panties) would excite him. But to answer your question I have bought lingerie at LEAST once a year and honestly don't know if he ever turned me down when I wore it. I do know I have been turned down when naked and kissing on him and when I've laid my head in his lap and said "want to go upstairs and have sex?" The 2nd time was b/c his tv show was coming on.

 

 

How many times have you actually taken the initiate to arrange for a romantic weekend getaway for you and your husband in the past five years?

Let's see the past 2 yrs for his bday we have gone to a really nice romantic inn and it was my idea.

 

How many times have you actually initiated a conversation about what you wanted sexually in your marriage and what was dissatisfying to you in the past five years?

This I will admit to not doing very well, I have said before our communication has not been great. However, I did ask why he didn't go down on me and his answer was just "I don't know". I asked 3 times after that figured it was just something he wasn't going to do. He finally did a few months ago and we talked about it and I found out why he didn't.

 

 

Why shouldn't he be happy? All the "problems" you think you have are entirely internally-generated in your own mind. You don't actually have "problems." You just need an "attitude adjustment."

I will just have to disagree with you on this one, there are real problems and we are working on these in MC. My attitude is adjusting however.

 

 

Right. You have a very good life. Why are you complaining?

 

Oh right. Not enough sex/it's not good enough. Like I said...Victoria's Secret. Getaway weekends. Viagra or Cialis if ED is an issue.

Like I said...have done VS and getaways and he has not wanted to talk about his ED issues until recently but they have been there since the beginning.

 

It is NOT just the sex and I have said this before also...we are very different people when it comes to how we live life.

 

 

"If my marriage ended tomorrow." Sounds like you are already "done" with this marriage. You're not talking like a woman who has a serious interest in trying to save her marriage. Sounds like you are trying to justify leaving it, not trying to save it.

Good grief...this was just in response to the other poster! Can't someone make a comment w/o you reading the worst into it? I actually feel better about my marriage now than I have in years. I am having to work to find a "spark" and I am sorry that you think that isn't important. If I wasn't committed I would have been gone years ago!

 

 

What's not to understand? You've essentially "got it all" but it's still not enough for you.

 

You think you can do better out of the marriage then remaining in it, and what you've actually done is focused on a perceived "weak area" (the sex) as justification for ending it.

 

Sex is actually really really "easy." It's not difficult at all, except as we want to make it difficult. Sex is natural, we are biologically programmed to have it. Learning to ride a bicycle is difficult. Having sex is not difficult.

 

Having orgasms is not difficult either. All the knowledge is right there on the internet as well as access to various forms of marital aids. If your husband can't get an erection often enough to please you then he can get medications for that. Barring that you can get a vibrator to satisfy yourself. You're just using the sex issue as an excuse to leave the marriage.

Yes, having sex is easy, but most loving adults in a relationship aren't looking to just insert part A into part B. You can call me names but I am looking for the emotional connection that has been missing in my relationship.

 

 

Can you change yourself? You say life does not always go as planned.

 

What part of your life has not gone according to your plan? It sounds as if everything in your life has pretty much gone exactly according to your plan but now you want a new plan.

I changed myself into a person I didn't even recognize after I got married and now I am trying to be me. We all change and grow through life or we shrink and die so and I am changing my marriage!!

[dazzle22]

I feel you are being somewhat raked over the coals by people who have not been in your situation and therefore, really cannot comprehend this situation. They believe everyone would marry only when they are in love, and are actually made anxious to find that others have married under such circumstances. All I can say is, good for them if they have been able to or are going to marry someone they are totally in love with, and when they were mature and not naive. Unfortunately, not all of us have had that wisdom in our youth.

 

I totally understand where you are coming from because I too made this mistake when I was too young. Same type of scenario. A family with ridiculous religious taboos about not seeing if you are sexually compatable before marriage, etc. Because of numerous reasons, married a man I felt would be a good partner but was not terribly physically attracted to, and I thought I would "grow into being in love", because it was always stressed in my family that sex and that type of attraction was of low importance, when IN FACT, it is VERY important for happiness in marriage.

 

It sounds like you are not terribly attracted to his personality, and in my opinion, it is the personality that is the foundation for sexual attraction for many women, unlike men who can often be sexually satisfied when they are not that attracted to a woman's personality, just as long as her body is hot.

 

I do not think you will every be able to manufacture this 'chemistry' you are missing. I think you will have to come to grips with that, and decide if that is enough for you. It very well may be, as it seems there are a lot of things on the plus side in this relationship. He can't change his basic personality, and you can't change 'the type' that really turns you on, which may have been the type of guy you were with before marriage. You may find that like many things in life, this will be an imperfect union that involves some compromise of ideal dreams about romance we all wish for in our lives., but not everyone gets...