Why can't it be enough?

[Luv2dance]

Remember, this is a person you have lived with and chose to marry in the first place--there couldn't have possibly been any "obvious deal breakers" in relation to the physical appearance, or else you simply wouldn't have married that person. You would have said "Ugh too ugly" on the first or second date, or "not attracted to him" on the first or second or third date. You sure as heck wouldn't have married him!

 

You would think this was true, but if someone is not in a place where they really know themselves then I think there are wrong decisions made when it comes to choosing a spouse. Let me try to give you a short version of my story...

 

I was a wild child, insecure and had much guilt over how I had lived my high school & college days. Grew up in a christian home and decided in my early 20's I needed to get back to my roots and straighten out my life. Soon after making these changes met my husband, who was a virgin and sort of geeky, complete opposite from my prev boyfriends.

 

I think I saw him as someone who could help me stay on the right track and would be good for me. I did ignore the fact that I wasn't physically attracted to him b/c I felt like that had always gotten me in trouble before. He is also 10 yrs older than me so maybe he was a father figure type ??

 

We dated for 4 months before getting engaged and were married 8 months later. I did have a discussion with him before we were married and told him I really wasn't sure about the marriage, but he convinced me it was just nerves. I believe my insecurity kept me from speaking up to how I really felt. Again, good guy who was accepting of my past and loved me anyway.

 

I think I changed who I was back then and now that I have grown up I realize the person he married wasn't the real me. Yes, we've had a good life and after I was married I did feel like it was a lifetime commitment and therefore have tried and will continue to try.

[Samantha0905]

So then why do people, primarily women, seem to get married to men they have no sexual desire for, and have sex with them for many years, then at some point decide they aren't sexually attracted to them anymore?

 

Why do women get married in the first place to men they have no sexual desire for? AND have sex with them for many years in some cases?

 

I can only speak for myself -- not women in general -- I was young and had zero experience with sex. Furthermore, do you have proof this only occurs primarily with women? I wanted to have sex with him at 18, so I guess that can be construed as sexual desire. We waited until we were married instead -- his suggestion/assertion and I went along. I thought it was the "right" thing to do.

 

I'm sure there are people who have felt they have sexual desire for another person and then had sex with them only to find out it really didn't float their boat in that area.. It happens.

 

I was young. Hell, I didn't even know it was a lack of sexual desire for years. I thought I just didn't care for sex. That didn't end up being the case. I don't flog myself for decisions I made when I was 21. I'm past doing that.

[rewe4reel]

I can only speak for myself -- not women in general -- I was young and had zero experience with sex.

 

I'm not sure I understand? I understand not having experience with actual sex, but how did that prevent you from realizing whether you had sexual attraction or not?

 

I distinctly remember when I was in 7th grade with absolutely zero experience, the girls were "developing" and some of them wore provocative clothing in school. I remember one girl in particular wearing fishnets. Did I feel sexual attraction? Um yes and not having any "experience" didn't mean I didn't know what I was feeling.

 

 

 

 

Furthermore, do you have proof this only occurs primarily with women?

 

Men are physiologically unable to have intercourse unless they are sufficiently aroused. Come on you must know that right? The physical "proof" is very evident. A man may have erectile problems and therefore may be sexually attracted and can't do anything about it. However a man can't have an erection and NOT be sexually attracted to a woman, unless he's got priapism or something like that.

 

Unless I'm actually sexually aroused by my partner, as a man, it ain't happenin'. That is, intercourse ain't happenin'.

 

So let me ask you--how do you think it is possible for a man to have sex (intercourse) with a woman he is not sexually attracted to, sufficiently to have an erection?

 

 

 

 

I wanted to have sex with him at 18, so I guess that can be construed as sexual desire.

 

Now I'm confused. If you wanted to have sex with him then of course you were sexually attracted to him. So along the way you lost the attraction. That's not the same thing as never having an attraction to someone.

 

 

 

We waited until we were married instead -- his suggestion/assertion and I went along. I thought it was the "right" thing to do.

 

If either party doesn't want to have sex until marriage then of course the other can't force the issue, so of course it was the "right" thing to do.

 

 

 

 

I'm sure there are people who have felt they have sexual desire for another person and then had sex with them only to find out it really didn't float their boat in that area.. It happens.

 

OK I see, you were attracted to him, but when you actually had sex with him you did not find it to be enjoyable. Many women who are virgins don't find the initial sex efforts particularly enjoyable, it takes time and experience for a lot of people.

 

 

I was young. Hell, I didn't even know it was a lack of sexual desire for years. I thought I just didn't care for sex. That didn't end up being the case. I don't flog myself for decisions I made when I was 21. I'm past doing that.

 

But it sounds like you actually did have sexual desire, which you acted on, but unfortunately the sex was bad. Obviously you "didn't care for [bad] sex."

 

Have you ever tried going to a sex therapist?

[rewe4reel]

You would think this was true, but if someone is not in a place where they really know themselves then I think there are wrong decisions made when it comes to choosing a spouse. Let me try to give you a short version of my story...

 

I was a wild child, insecure and had much guilt over how I had lived my high school & college days. Grew up in a christian home and decided in my early 20's I needed to get back to my roots and straighten out my life. Soon after making these changes met my husband, who was a virgin and sort of geeky, complete opposite from my prev boyfriends.

 

So this means you were experienced and your husband was not in sexual matters. Also he was a geek. Not really your "type."

 

 

 

I think I saw him as someone who could help me stay on the right track and would be good for me. I did ignore the fact that I wasn't physically attracted to him b/c I felt like that had always gotten me in trouble before. He is also 10 yrs older than me so maybe he was a father figure type ??

 

I understand all this, but what I don't understand is how anyone could physically force themselves to be intimate with someone they had no attraction to. Obviously if you were drunk or something or it was a ONS yes of course, but over and over and over again...???

 

You see I am looking at it from a man's perspective. If I'm not attracted to a woman it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to have sex with her. At least intercourse. And if I'm not attracted enough to want or be able to do straight on intercourse with her it's even more unlikely I would want to do anything alternative with her either. If I won't put my pecker down there I certainly have no interest in putting my face down there.

 

 

 

 

We dated for 4 months before getting engaged and were married 8 months later. I did have a discussion with him before we were married and told him I really wasn't sure about the marriage, but he convinced me it was just nerves. I believe my insecurity kept me from speaking up to how I really felt. Again, good guy who was accepting of my past and loved me anyway.

 

I certainly understand his [the man's] perspective. I understand why you would want to marry him. I do NOT understand how you could force yourself to be intimate, over and over and over again, with someone who you just were not at all attracted to sexually.

 

I mean what did you think about when you were actually "in the act"? Did you fantasize about other people? Count the ceiling tiles? I assume sex with your husband has been non-orgasmic all or most of the time? Did you "fake it" a lot with him? Or did you always tell him "honey you're so great" and do the Meg Ryan thing?

 

 

I think I changed who I was back then and now that I have grown up I realize the person he married wasn't the real me. Yes, we've had a good life and after I was married I did feel like it was a lifetime commitment and therefore have tried and will continue to try.

 

So am I correct to understand this to mean you went through your entire marriage faking sex with your husband???

 

Wow.

[xxoo]

You see I am looking at it from a man's perspective. If I'm not attracted to a woman it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to have sex with her.

 

 

This forum has lots of stories of men complaining about lack of attraction to the wives they have sex with. Maybe they are talking about degree of attraction? But it is certainly not unheard of for a man to complain about lack of attraction--AND be having sex with his wife.

 

I kind of think that both men and women can think of something/someone else and get the job done.....not saying that is ideal, but that's the reality.

[rewe4reel]

This forum has lots of stories of men complaining about lack of attraction to the wives they have sex with. Maybe they are talking about degree of attraction? But it is certainly not unheard of for a man to complain about lack of attraction--AND be having sex with his wife.

 

I kind of think that both men and women can think of something/someone else and get the job done.....not saying that is ideal, but that's the reality.

 

 

I understand that it is possible to "think of England" or something, grit one's teeth, and get through it.

 

But why MARRY someone that you feel that way about?

 

It would almost be like you were exchanging your sexual favors for something else...like money, or status....and in effect, that would make the person doing that something of a wh*re, wouldn't it? Agreeing to exchange sex with someone else, not because you really wanted to have sex with that person, but because you were getting something else out of the deal.

 

Maybe I'm totally naiive. Are there lots of women who pretend to be attracted to their husbands, but are really not, but marry them anyway in exchange for the house and the white picket fence? How is that different from just f*cking for money?

[xxoo]

Maybe I'm totally naiive. Are there lots of women who pretend to be attracted to their husbands, but are really not, but marry them anyway in exchange for the house and the white picket fence? How is that different from just f*cking for money?

 

People get married for a lot of reasons other than lust or money. Companionship/friendship and parenting potential are two more reasons people choose a certain spouse, and I'm sure there are more.

 

I don't see anywhere that L2d gave money as a reason for choosing her H.

[giotto]

This forum has lots of stories of men complaining about lack of attraction to the wives they have sex with. Maybe they are talking about degree of attraction? But it is certainly not unheard of for a man to complain about lack of attraction--AND be having sex with his wife.

 

I kind of think that both men and women can think of something/someone else and get the job done.....not saying that is ideal, but that's the reality.

 

at 12 days with no sex again, I could f*** anything...

[TaraMaiden]

I heard that at 15 days without sex, you could phukk everything....

 

(that was a joke......)

[giotto]

I heard that at 15 days without sex, you could phukk everything....

 

(that was a joke......)

 

 

Those sheep in the field look more and more attractive, every day...

[WalkInThePark]

I am the same... I'm never happy and will never be happy, I suppose... I think I've wasted my entire life, sometimes...

 

giotto, you don't WANT to be happy. You prefer to complain all the time... If we could project ourselves in the future 5 years from now, you would still be complaining here...

[giotto]

giotto, you don't WANT to be happy. You prefer to complain all the time... If we could project ourselves in the future 5 years from now, you would still be complaining here...

 

oh yes...

[Luv2dance]

So this means you were experienced and your husband was not in sexual matters. Also he was a geek. Not really your "type."

Yes, this you have interpreted correctly! You've gone way off on your sex interpretation however!

 

 

I certainly understand his [the man's] perspective. I understand why you would want to marry him. I do NOT understand how you could force yourself to be intimate, over and over and over again, with someone who you just were not at all attracted to sexually.

 

I mean what did you think about when you were actually "in the act"? Did you fantasize about other people? Count the ceiling tiles? I assume sex with your husband has been non-orgasmic all or most of the time? Did you "fake it" a lot with him? Or did you always tell him "honey you're so great" and do the Meg Ryan thing?

 

I don't think I can explain this in a way you will understand but let me try...Where did I ever say I had to force myself to have sex with him?? I am not repulsed by my husband and b/c he is my husband I have had enjoyable sex with him. I do orgasm on a regular basis with him, but I am also a high libido person so this is not difficult for me. What I don't have with him is a longing and a passion. I think you can have good sex with a stranger but if the intimacy is not there then it just feels empty.

 

There are times it feels wrong and I have stopped things before when I just couldn't find it in me to continue.

 

Maybe I have been a bad wife b/c I like sex and didn't stop having sex with him like most wives seem to do...

 

 

So am I correct to understand this to mean you went through your entire marriage faking sex with your husband???

 

Wow.

 

NO...I wasn't just referring to sex with the trying comment I was speaking of the entire relationship. Actually, I have never faked an O with him, however he has faked many with me...he just thinks I don't know it.

 

I don't see anywhere that L2d gave money as a reason for choosing her H.

 

Um...nope definitely not for the money, in fact I made more than he did for the first 5 yrs we were married.

[Luv2dance]

Men are physiologically unable to have intercourse unless they are sufficiently aroused. Come on you must know that right? The physical "proof" is very evident. A man may have erectile problems and therefore may be sexually attracted and can't do anything about it. However a man can't have an erection and NOT be sexually attracted to a woman, unless he's got priapism or something like that.

 

Unless I'm actually sexually aroused by my partner, as a man, it ain't happenin'. That is, intercourse ain't happenin'.

 

So let me ask you--how do you think it is possible for a man to have sex (intercourse) with a woman he is not sexually attracted to, sufficiently to have an erection?

 

I'm sorry but I am pretty sure I have known lots of guys who could get an erection and have sex with ANY woman who was willing to give it to them. I don't think that necessarily means they are "attracted" to them. You are comparing sex with someone who actually turns you OFF to sex with someone you care about.

[Holding-On]

So then why do people, primarily women, seem to get married to men they have no sexual desire for, and have sex with them for many years, then at some point decide they aren't sexually attracted to them anymore?

 

Why do women get married in the first place to men they have no sexual desire for? AND have sex with them for many years in some cases?

okay, I'll take the bait here.

 

In the case of Samantha it is pretty cut and dry.

She knew what sexual attraction was and she had it. What she didn't have was any sexual experience. She had NO baseline with which to compare this.

 

Because her boyfriend convinced her to do the "religiously sanctioned", "romantic" thing and wait until after marriage to have sex for the first time.

She discovered that sex wasn't that fulfilling only AFTER she made a lifelong vow and felt indebted to her husband's happiness.

 

Many women feel that they owe their husbands sex even if they themselves don't like it. They feel this based on the fact that the man married them and thus "proved" that he loved.

Lots of women trade sex for love.

Many men feel their wives owe them sex even if they are not into it (there are scores of threads like that on here).

 

 

Anyway Samantha, I completely relate. I lost my virginity to my virgin boyfriend I was engaged to. It took a great deal of self-awareness to realize this wouldn't work out, that I was not ready for marriage.

 

I also figured the not liking sex all that much was me (he certainly seemed to be enjoying himself. )

Then I had a boyfriend (also a good guy beta for the record. Sigh.) who rocked my world in bed and I was like... "oh, it's not me"

It wasn't anything wrong with my first boyfriend either who is happily married with two little girls. It was the combination of the two of us.

 

However, I'd imagine that if you figure all this out after x number of years of marriage and however many kids you are a bit stuck no?

[Samantha0905]

oh yes...

 

 

okay, I'll take the bait here.

 

In the case of Samantha it is pretty cut and dry.

She knew what sexual attraction was and she had it. What she didn't have was any sexual experience. She had NO baseline with which to compare this.

 

Because her boyfriend convinced her to do the "religiously sanctioned", "romantic" thing and wait until after marriage to have sex for the first time.

She discovered that sex wasn't that fulfilling only AFTER she made a lifelong vow and felt indebted to her husband's happiness.

 

Many women feel that they owe their husbands sex even if they themselves don't like it. They feel this based on the fact that the man married them and thus "proved" that he loved.

Lots of women trade sex for love.

Many men feel their wives owe them sex even if they are not into it (there are scores of threads like that on here).

 

 

Anyway Samantha, I completely relate. I lost my virginity to my virgin boyfriend I was engaged to. It took a great deal of self-awareness to realize this wouldn't work out, that I was not ready for marriage.

 

I also figured the not liking sex all that much was me (he certainly seemed to be enjoying himself. )

Then I had a boyfriend (also a good guy beta for the record. Sigh.) who rocked my world in bed and I was like... "oh, it's not me"

It wasn't anything wrong with my first boyfriend either who is happily married with two little girls. It was the combination of the two of us.

 

However, I'd imagine that if you figure all this out after x number of years of marriage and however many kids you are a bit stuck no?

 

Thanks Holding-On. You pretty much nailed it.

 

I had an affair (not proud of it), have ended it and my husband knows. It's a long story. In any event, I was perfectly capable of having absolutely wonderful sex with my XAP.

 

But yes -- after being married 27 years and now having two adult children it does feel like I'm supposed to be in this marriage forever. If a lack of sexual attraction is the only big thing that's missing, I don't feel justified in leaving because it would cause too much upheaval/heartbreak for too many people. It would probably end up being a huge mistake on my part anyway. So, we're trying to work on things -- although not very successfully so far.

 

Sorry for the TJ, Luv2dance!

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry but I am pretty sure I have known lots of guys who could get an erection and have sex with ANY woman who was willing to give it to them. I don't think that necessarily means they are "attracted" to them. You are comparing sex with someone who actually turns you OFF to sex with someone you care about.

My partner is extremely honest. he's never lied to me, and with so many ways of verifying information, it's not something he'd ever do, anyway.

 

He had, over a period of around 2 years, about 200 one-night stands....as a disc jockey for a radio station, doing regular nightly gigs, this wasn't difficult.

he cannot think of a single one he felt in the slightest bit emotionally attracted to.

Erections were never a problem.

[Luv2dance]

okay, I'll take the bait here.

 

In the case of Samantha it is pretty cut and dry.

She knew what sexual attraction was and she had it. What she didn't have was any sexual experience. She had NO baseline with which to compare this.

 

Because her boyfriend convinced her to do the "religiously sanctioned", "romantic" thing and wait until after marriage to have sex for the first time.

She discovered that sex wasn't that fulfilling only AFTER she made a lifelong vow and felt indebted to her husband's happiness.

 

Many women feel that they owe their husbands sex even if they themselves don't like it. They feel this based on the fact that the man married them and thus "proved" that he loved.

Lots of women trade sex for love.

Many men feel their wives owe them sex even if they are not into it (there are scores of threads like that on here).

 

 

Anyway Samantha, I completely relate. I lost my virginity to my virgin boyfriend I was engaged to. It took a great deal of self-awareness to realize this wouldn't work out, that I was not ready for marriage.

 

I also figured the not liking sex all that much was me (he certainly seemed to be enjoying himself. )

Then I had a boyfriend (also a good guy beta for the record. Sigh.) who rocked my world in bed and I was like... "oh, it's not me"

It wasn't anything wrong with my first boyfriend either who is happily married with two little girls. It was the combination of the two of us.

 

However, I'd imagine that if you figure all this out after x number of years of marriage and however many kids you are a bit stuck no?

 

Thanks for this explanation b/c it is very clear!! While in my case I KNEW what "rock my world" sex felt like before marriage, but b/c we did the "religious" thing and waited until after marriage I did not know I wouldn't have it with my husband. I did try in the beginning to buy christian books on sex and always was buying sexy lingerie thinking these things might help.

 

Also, b/c of MH's introverted, non emotion expressing personality we also never developed an emotional intimacy that I long for in a marriage. He lives in a nice tight place where not expressing emotions is comfortable for him. He only gets excited over college sporting events and golf.

 

I don't want to live "stuck" hence the MC and possibly my vision of what marriage is about. Things are improving somewhat, and he even had a bouquet of flowers waiting on me when I got home Friday b/c I said I was having a bad day. This is a BIG deal b/c he knows I love flowers but RARELY ever gave them to me before.

[Luv2dance]

My partner is extremely honest. he's never lied to me, and with so many ways of verifying information, it's not something he'd ever do, anyway.

 

He had, over a period of around 2 years, about 200 one-night stands....as a disc jockey for a radio station, doing regular nightly gigs, this wasn't difficult.

he cannot think of a single one he felt in the slightest bit emotionally attracted to.

Erections were never a problem.

 

Thanks...I thought erections could happen w/o an attraction But what do I know since I've never had one.

[WalkInThePark]

But yes -- after being married 27 years and now having two adult children it does feel like I'm supposed to be in this marriage forever. If a lack of sexual attraction is the only big thing that's missing, I don't feel justified in leaving because it would cause too much upheaval/heartbreak for too many people. It would probably end up being a huge mistake on my part anyway. So, we're trying to work on things -- although not very successfully so far.

 

Samantha, on the basis of your posts here I am really afraid that you are heading for 27 years filled with more of the same. I honestly think that your H is a bit authistic. Hence his need for rituals like having to go to bed every evening at 11 o'clock, even if it is the marriage of your daughter. Or having sex every Saturday in exactly the same way. I think that this robot way of doing things is one of the reasons why you can't really feel sexually attracted to him. In any case, I think feeling sexually attracted to someone is very particular and cannot just be created. It was never there with your H so there is not even something to rekindle (which would be the case if the sexual attraction had been there before).

Of course, you can live without sex in a marriage but is that not a horribly sad existence for someone who is not even 50? If the sex is good in a good relationship, it adds a strong element of bonding. To accept that it won't be there is really tragic, especially since this has nothing to do with an event against which you can't do anything like illness.

[Samantha0905]

Samantha, on the basis of your posts here I am really afraid that you are heading for 27 years filled with more of the same. I honestly think that your H is a bit authistic. Hence his need for rituals like having to go to bed every evening at 11 o'clock, even if it is the marriage of your daughter. Or having sex every Saturday in exactly the same way. I think that this robot way of doing things is one of the reasons why you can't really feel sexually attracted to him. In any case, I think feeling sexually attracted to someone is very particular and cannot just be created. It was never there with your H so there is not even something to rekindle (which would be the case if the sexual attraction had been there before).

Of course, you can live without sex in a marriage but is that not a horribly sad existence for someone who is not even 50? If the sex is good in a good relationship, it adds a strong element of bonding. To accept that it won't be there is really tragic, especially since this has nothing to do with an event against which you can't do anything like illness.

 

Thank you WITP. I think I'm feeling really sad and defeated right now. I do appreciate your thoughts. Your last two sentences really spoke to me.

 

It's such a difficult situation. Maybe I just have to act. It's so hard to act.

[aerogurl87]

OP you shouldn't have married him plain and simple. I'm sure you knew he was void of emotion for the most part and that you weren't exactly attracted to him before you got married, so in a way, I hate to say it, but you cheated your husband. How was he supposed to know you didn't love him as much as he loved you? How was he supposed to know that you were ok with him not showing any emotion if you didn't tell him? You cheated him and I pray when I get married someday I will not end up with someone who knowingly cheats me out of a life of happiness like you did your husband.

 

Now your husband is doing his part, it's your turn to do yours and tell him everything you've said on here. And really if you had all these doubts about being in love, why bring children into the mix? These are things I will never understand about people.

[Luv2dance]

OP you shouldn't have married him plain and simple. I'm sure you knew he was void of emotion for the most part and that you weren't exactly attracted to him before you got married, so in a way, I hate to say it, but you cheated your husband. How was he supposed to know you didn't love him as much as he loved you? How was he supposed to know that you were ok with him not showing any emotion if you didn't tell him? You cheated him and I pray when I get married someday I will not end up with someone who knowingly cheats me out of a life of happiness like you did your husband.

 

Now your husband is doing his part, it's your turn to do yours and tell him everything you've said on here. And really if you had all these doubts about being in love, why bring children into the mix? These are things I will never understand about people.

 

While I have already pretty much agreed with you that I should not have married him...I disagree that I've cheated him out of a life of happiness. I have said before our life has been good, he has always said that he is happy. I haven't made life hard and in fact think I have been a pretty good wife, he's gotten sex when he wanted (I was the one neglected there) and he plays golf when he wants. It's not like I have had bad days for 16 yrs and like I said I took my vows as a commitment and haven't planned to break them.

 

As for the children, well I know we both would say they are the BEST things we have done! They have lived in a peaceful home where they see us hug and kiss. I know that if my marriage ended tomorrow neither MH or I would regret having children or even getting married.

 

Sorry, you don't understand people who try to make the best out of decisions that were made for the wrong reasons or at a time when maybe they weren't complete. I think I've said this also, but I can't change the past so I am working at changing the future. Life is not a perfect little box that always goes as plans. I do hope you find happiness and love!

[rewe4reel]

While I have already pretty much agreed with you that I should not have married him

 

You're taking the wrong lesson away from your situation. This is an example of trying to re-write the marital history to make your decision to marry seem like it was wrong at the time, which in all likelihood, it was not wrong.

 

I mean did you have any other "better offers" on the table when you accepted his marriage proposal (however you measure what "better offer" means)?

 

Basically it sounds like you've gotten exactly what you wanted out of your marriage--a loving husband, comfortable life, children--and while your sex life might not have been perfectly satisfactory, it was "good enough" so as to not constitute a deal breaker.

 

Now, however, you're older, and circumstances have changed. You've gotten most if not all of what you wanted to get out of the marriage when you married him in the first place. The kids are older, you're feeling more financially secure, you're "safe" in the relationship. But like many women in your situation you're putting more focus on your sexuality, and blaming your husband for not satisfying your sexual needs.

 

This is a very low-risk proposition for you, and you know it. If you decide to have an affair, so what? The marital assets still get split 50-50 in the event of a divorce. If a divorce, same deal. 50-50.

 

You're in the process of emotionally detaching so that when you finally do walk out it will be easier to justify to yourself.

 

Let me ask you something: In the past five years how many times have you ordered something naughty from Victoria's Secret catalog (or something similar) and actually worn it to bed for your husband? I'll bet if it was once a year that would be a lot. And what was his response?

 

When you came to bed wearing that kinky black lace bra and panty set, merry widow, fishnet and garters, or whatever, did he turn you down? Seriously? And if so, did you try to address that issue to find out why?

 

 

How many times have you actually taken the initiate to arrange for a romantic weekend getaway for you and your husband in the past five years?

 

How many times have you actually initiated a conversation about what you wanted sexually in your marriage and what was dissatisfying to you in the past five years?

 

 

 

 

 

...I disagree that I've cheated him out of a life of happiness. I have said before our life has been good, he has always said that he is happy.

 

Why shouldn't he be happy? All the "problems" you think you have are entirely internally-generated in your own mind. You don't actually have "problems." You just need an "attitude adjustment."

 

 

 

I haven't made life hard and in fact think I have been a pretty good wife, he's gotten sex when he wanted (I was the one neglected there) and he plays golf when he wants. It's not like I have had bad days for 16 yrs and like I said I took my vows as a commitment and haven't planned to break them.

 

Right. You have a very good life. Why are you complaining?

 

Oh right. Not enough sex/it's not good enough. Like I said...Victoria's Secret. Getaway weekends. Viagra or Cialis if ED is an issue.

 

 

As for the children, well I know we both would say they are the BEST things we have done! They have lived in a peaceful home where they see us hug and kiss. I know that if my marriage ended tomorrow neither MH or I would regret having children or even getting married.

 

"If my marriage ended tomorrow." Sounds like you are already "done" with this marriage. You're not talking like a woman who has a serious interest in trying to save her marriage. Sounds like you are trying to justify leaving it, not trying to save it.

 

 

 

Sorry, you don't understand people who try to make the best out of decisions that were made for the wrong reasons or at a time when maybe they weren't complete.

 

What's not to understand? You've essentially "got it all" but it's still not enough for you.

 

You think you can do better out of the marriage then remaining in it, and what you've actually done is focused on a perceived "weak area" (the sex) as justification for ending it.

 

Sex is actually really really "easy." It's not difficult at all, except as we want to make it difficult. Sex is natural, we are biologically programmed to have it. Learning to ride a bicycle is difficult. Having sex is not difficult.

 

Having orgasms is not difficult either. All the knowledge is right there on the internet as well as access to various forms of marital aids. If your husband can't get an erection often enough to please you then he can get medications for that. Barring that you can get a vibrator to satisfy yourself. You're just using the sex issue as an excuse to leave the marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

I think I've said this also, but I can't change the past so I am working at changing the future. Life is not a perfect little box that always goes as plans. I do hope you find happiness and love!

 

 

Can you change yourself? You say life does not always go as planned.

 

What part of your life has not gone according to your plan? It sounds as if everything in your life has pretty much gone exactly according to your plan but now you want a new plan.

[soserious1]

I can't speak for the OP but I can tell you my efforts to initiate sexual intimacy were met with.

 

A. Laughter

B. him simply rolling over in the bed and going to sleep

C. him telling me flat out that it was unseemly and unnatural for a woman my age to be desiring sex.

 

I was also told at various points that me initiating was a turn off, he disliked aggressive women. I was also told that I earned too much, I needed to apologize for paying for everything. I got tired of sleeping on the sofa, tired of begging for intimacy, when I informed him that I didn't get married to be stuck resorting to a vibrator to meet my needs he flat out told me that at my age I should be happy and grateful to have a husband, any husband at all

and he was shocked that I wouldn't happily remain in a sexless marriage while continuing to be warm, loving and supportive of him, like a good mother or grandmother, the role most appropriate to my age.

 

I think when a marriage reaches the point where either party is having to beg/plead for intimacy, having to plot and scheme

to get their needs met that in the vast majority of cases, it's all over but the crying. You cannot legislate sexual desire, you can't

whine, cajole, trick or bully someone into desiring you. You might guilt trip or threaten a spouse into going thru the motions for awhile

that is not the same thing as igniting true desire.

Edited May 19, 2010 by soserious1