MoscaVia Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 After a year separation, then trying again for a year, I filed again and he is moving out this weekend. Three teenagers. 20 year marriage. I have been so unhappy and frustrated for at least 10 years, tried MC, nothing. My stbx is a good man, a great dad....but we have lived as roommates only for years. I want this divorce and yet I am feeling so heartbroken and panicky. Scared to be alone, even though I was alone in almost every sense of the word already. How does one make a new life? Being with him is so familiar that I can't imagine not being with him- how does one get over that?
You Go Girl Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I know exactly what you mean, living as roommates myself, sometime this summer I will move the rest of my belongings to my cottage, and never come back. There's this little game your mind plays on yourself when you find yourself alone--I feel it everytime I go to my cottage for the weekend. I feel like absolute crap when I first get there, even though I love the place, and then it slowly fades...by the second day I'm feeling better, and by the time I'm going back for the work week, I'm finally at that place that I don't want to leave my cottage. It's like practicing for the big separation. I hope you have a support system. If not, get working on it pronto. Nothing will help you as much as somebody who understands. Try not to be your own worst enemy when you're alone. Don't cave into despair--change the furniture around some way you've always wanted to, get a can of paint, do anything to make it your place now. Play the music you love he doesn't. Watch the movie you love he didn't want to watch. Hog the bed. Make for dinner that meal that you love, but he never did. If you're feeling lonely and there's nobody around--I go garage saleing! I do that anyway...but having simple pleasant conversations with complete strangers even will bring your spirits back up. Take a candlelit bubblebath. Plant a few flowers where you always meant to but never got around to it. Call a friend you've been meaning to and haven't for a long time...
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 maybe you're not ready...that's why you feel like you do..if your husband is a good man and father then he is not the reason you were/are unhappy.
Author MoscaVia Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Oh yes, I am ready. I was ready when we separated for an entire year in 2008. I have been ready for at least 4 years....this has been the longest, dragged out separation/divorce in history I think! Yes, he is a good guy....but just not the right guy for me. I kind of knew that the day I married him, but I hoped it would get better. After years of IC and MC, there is just no more beating a dead horse. We work really well together parenting the three teenagers...but this is the only thing we have in common...its the only thing thats held us together for many many years. But I am tired of being sad and lonely, tired of living in limbo, thinking every day how I want to get out of the marriage and how I can manage it.....wanting to see other men, it has been torutre. I mostly stayed out of guilt and a little bit of fear...ok, a lot of fear. And all this time living completely platonically because we are so incompatable in the romance department (yes, even had sex therapy at one time). We never fight, never raise our voices.....we just don't talk, period. We live separate lives with separate interests...say hello in passing and never touch beyond a casual hug. No, I am ready. But still it breaks my heart...for myself, for him, for my kids. But I know its what is needed.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 that you feel that way and you actually felt that way when you were first married...IMOO...your husband no doubt feels the same or at least he does now...I'm not sure how you first broke the news to him but did it start with "I'm not happy"? or "I love you but..."?...did he take the news bad or go with the flow?
Author MoscaVia Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 that you feel that way and you actually felt that way when you were first married...IMOO...your husband no doubt feels the same or at least he does now...I'm not sure how you first broke the news to him but did it start with "I'm not happy"? or "I love you but..."?...did he take the news bad or go with the flow? Well, my stbx is actually perfectly fine with living as platonic roommates (although he wouold rather not be platonic, but accepted it). I am not willing to live the rest of mylife this way. I can't remember how we first discussed it three years ago before we separated for a year the first time...it was after MC and I am sure I was the one who choked it out, he doesn't ever actually start conversations. I always reassured him that I love him like a brother, but thats it. He was horribly offended at first, but eventually began to understand. In 2008 when we split, he went into a deep depression and I felt really quilty about it. So a couple months before the divorce was final, I had some sort of panick attack and told him he could come back and we will see where it goes. And its been 14 months now, and it has gone nowhere. We have lived separate, platonic lives. There really wasn't anything to "try" because I just don't feel anything for him beyond sibling-type feelings. I tried to "fake it till you make it" for many years, but that didn't work. I can't force myself to love someone. And now, this time, he is in a much better place. He is not depressed, happy with the new place he has found. He is on the same page I think, understanding why this needs to happen and that he no longer wants to live this way either. I am glad of that. Its very sad, we are both sad right now- he is moving out this weekend. But its better than the first time around. Just found out today that the judge will most likely grant our divorce right away on June 3 instead of having to wait the 6 months again (the usual thing with minor chiuldren). I had filed a motion asking to waive it. I just cant go thru the torture of waiting 6 more months.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 you will be happy from now on:)...your situation sounds so much like me and my wife...she initiated the separation 3 mos ago after 17 yrs..you know the "were great roommates great parents but..."...she moved 2 blocks from my work..I move into my place June 1..we have never tried MC..she saw me with a 'friend' from work 3 days ago and went beserk...but it was her choice to separate and we still haven't talked about the 'rules' of the sep. so I'm making my own..my girls are 9 and 11..I figured out my hurt feelings were from the guilt I felt for them and not my wifes valid reasons for wanting to part...again I hope you and she will be happier or at least not miserable.
Author MoscaVia Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Thanks. So how old are you and where do you live? Want to go out? Ha ha. Just kidding. well, sort of. Hope I can meet someone someday to share my life with is a "real" relationship. Guess I need to start thinking about match.com. :-)
Luv2dance Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I am just amazed at how similar so many stories are here on LS. I would think it would be completely normal to be in a sad/panicked place after 20 yrs together. For most people especially when there is not a huge amount of turmoil in a relationship it is hard to imagine life any other way. Can I ask if things ever got better for a time with MC? Did you both work to change things or did things just stay the same no matter what? I ask b/c I am in the beginnings of MC and right now things are progressing but I just wonder if it will last. I wish you all the best in your new life!! Change is always hard, but sometimes necessary.
Author MoscaVia Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 I am just amazed at how similar so many stories are here on LS. I would think it would be completely normal to be in a sad/panicked place after 20 yrs together. For most people especially when there is not a huge amount of turmoil in a relationship it is hard to imagine life any other way. Can I ask if things ever got better for a time with MC? Did you both work to change things or did things just stay the same no matter what? I ask b/c I am in the beginnings of MC and right now things are progressing but I just wonder if it will last. I wish you all the best in your new life!! Change is always hard, but sometimes necessary. Hi- well, no, things did not change in MC at all....sad to say. But even though he tried to do some "little" things - it just didn't do anything for me because our differences are so great, that nothing he could say or do could make me fall in love with him. We are comlete and polar opposites. We have absolutely nothing in common- except the kids. thats it. We speak different "love languages", we communicate and recieve love differently. He is type B, I am type A. I am social, he is a homebody. I am educated and philosophical and he is neither. I am a talker and he is an introvert. I am passionate, he is not. I am physical, he is not. The list goes on and on and on. And no amount of MC could change the very nature of who he is, nor entice me to love that person who he is. But I think my situation is different than most. I never felt the romantic passionate love, ever. I tried to convince myself I did, to justify the marriage, but I know now that I was only kidding myself. I had some hope that we would grow closer, that we would develop things in common, but the fact of the matter is that all thru my marriage I would rather be with just about anyone than him....my freinds, alone, my family.....other womens husbands...anyone. It wasn't fair to him. Nor me. And the worst thing is that my kids, who are all teens now, have grown up thinking that this platonic marriage with no expressed emotion or affection is NORMAL. God, I have probably totally screwed them up. Anyway, I digress. For those of you who at least at one time felt that "spark" or had something real from the beginning- well, MC offers hope for you then. But for me, it did not.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 that's funny because my grandma used to call me 'mosca' when I was little...but honestly I'm sad my wife feels the way you feel because I felt I could have worked through it with MC..unfortunately knowing how she 'feels' now I can't see it working ever...but I do know from now on communication is the key..I just went to Great America Saturday..me and my 2 girls..it was super!!!...what are the ages of your children?..
Author MoscaVia Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 that's funny because my grandma used to call me 'mosca' when I was little...but honestly I'm sad my wife feels the way you feel because I felt I could have worked through it with MC..unfortunately knowing how she 'feels' now I can't see it working ever...but I do know from now on communication is the key..I just went to Great America Saturday..me and my 2 girls..it was super!!!...what are the ages of your children?.. What did she mean when she called you Mosca? Its Italian you know. My three children are 14, 15 and 18. If your wife feels like I do, then there is probably nothing you could say or do to change her feelings...and really, you shouldn't need to try to change who you are in order for someone to love you. No matter how much MC you go thru. You deserve someone who loves you for exactly who you are, your very essence. Warts and all. And she deserves the same. We all do. I have no idea what Great America Saturday is. Or where. And if you can actually "communicate", you are miles beyond my stbx.
Luv2dance Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Hi- well, no, things did not change in MC at all....sad to say. But even though he tried to do some "little" things - it just didn't do anything for me because our differences are so great, that nothing he could say or do could make me fall in love with him. We are comlete and polar opposites. We have absolutely nothing in common- except the kids. thats it. We speak different "love languages", we communicate and recieve love differently. He is type B, I am type A. I am social, he is a homebody. I am educated and philosophical and he is neither. I am a talker and he is an introvert. I am passionate, he is not. I am physical, he is not. The list goes on and on and on. And no amount of MC could change the very nature of who he is, nor entice me to love that person who he is. But I think my situation is different than most. I never felt the romantic passionate love, ever. I tried to convince myself I did, to justify the marriage, but I know now that I was only kidding myself. I had some hope that we would grow closer, that we would develop things in common, but the fact of the matter is that all thru my marriage I would rather be with just about anyone than him....my freinds, alone, my family.....other womens husbands...anyone. It wasn't fair to him. Nor me. And the worst thing is that my kids, who are all teens now, have grown up thinking that this platonic marriage with no expressed emotion or affection is NORMAL. God, I have probably totally screwed them up. Anyway, I digress. For those of you who at least at one time felt that "spark" or had something real from the beginning- well, MC offers hope for you then. But for me, it did not. Well, I don't know that your situation is completely different b/c I feel the same as what I have bolded in your post. I will say MH and I have a few things in common, but for the most part it we are opposites. I also agree I don't want to change who he is, but he is apparently willing to step out of his comfort zone to try new things. I guess I have been a little better about "faking" it b/c we do hug and show affection around the girls. I mostly miss the passion and the desire that is just not there in our relationship. I do feel like I am fighting for my children at this point!
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 on Saturday in Santa Clara Ca rollercoaster park....not sure what 'mosca' meant but usually I got on her nerves when she said it..oh and I know she won't change her feelings as she was pretty blunt and rightly so...growing apart sucks...just wish I could've seen it or 'communicated' it to her sooner:(..same stories just different names on these forums..I'm sure she had someone:mad: paying attention to her since I wasn't and vice versa...and that's how our story ends.
SummerLady Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 After a year separation, then trying again for a year, I filed again and he is moving out this weekend. Three teenagers. 20 year marriage. I have been so unhappy and frustrated for at least 10 years, tried MC, nothing. My stbx is a good man, a great dad....but we have lived as roommates only for years. I want this divorce and yet I am feeling so heartbroken and panicky. Scared to be alone, even though I was alone in almost every sense of the word already. How does one make a new life? Being with him is so familiar that I can't imagine not being with him- how does one get over that? This is very normal. I went through this too. What I thought of when I felt like this was, staying with him is worse than being alone. Staying with him, I will never be happy, I know what I will get staying with him, more of the same, more unhappiness. If you think about that, it changes everything. I don't know what your situation is or was but for me staying was not an option. It does not mean leaving was easy, never said that..Change is not easy and this is a big one. Only you know what is best. Good Luck!
Author MoscaVia Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 This is very normal. I went through this too. What I thought of when I felt like this was, staying with him is worse than being alone. Staying with him, I will never be happy, I know what I will get staying with him, more of the same, more unhappiness. If you think about that, it changes everything. I don't know what your situation is or was but for me staying was not an option. It does not mean leaving was easy, never said that..Change is not easy and this is a big one. Only you know what is best. Good Luck! Thanks. I will repeat this to myself whenever I feel freaked out. It is very true. Its what I have in essence been feeling for about 8 years.
You Go Girl Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Originally Posted by SummerLady This is very normal. I went through this too. What I thought of when I felt like this was, staying with him is worse than being alone. Staying with him, I will never be happy, I know what I will get staying with him, more of the same, more unhappiness. If you think about that, it changes everything. I don't know what your situation is or was but for me staying was not an option. It does not mean leaving was easy, never said that..Change is not easy and this is a big one. Only you know what is best. Good Luck! Thanks. I will repeat this to myself whenever I feel freaked out. It is very true. Its what I have in essence been feeling for about 8 years. Me too! I am so glad to hear this is normal, I didn't realize it was.
floridapad Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 MOwsca. Can I ask you a question. Please be honest. It's just us. Did you ever have an affair, either emotionally or physically?
Author MoscaVia Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 no, I did not. I actually developed feelings towards someone some years ago, but never acted on it. During the last year of our marriage, my H actually gave me permission to have one, just don't tell him about it....(Because I told him I spent all my time thinking how I would like to)...but alas, I didn't. Theres no single men in my age group around here even if I wanted. Blah. Match.com here i come. I am a firm believe that if you feel like you need to fool around, its time to end your marriage. You can't (or at least shouldn't) have both.
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