DollWelch Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 What's the point of dating a guy that doesn't believe in love? Recently I was talking to a guy - he and I are still getting to know each other - and he mentioned the fact that he doesn't believe in love. I was taken aback, a little. Actually, more like disappointed. This got me thinking: Does this mean he's a lost cause?
shadowofman Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I'm sure he feels love, just doesn't believe that love he should be tie to loving one person. He wants the ability to have many friends, and love them to whatever degree he chooses. He also doesn't want anyone to expect a certain degree of attention from him. He certainly believes in love, just not one love.
magda Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I wouldn't think that right away. First I would ask him how he defines love.
Els Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I'm sure he feels love, just doesn't believe that love he should be tie to loving one person. He wants the ability to have many friends, and love them to whatever degree he chooses. He also doesn't want anyone to expect a certain degree of attention from him. He certainly believes in love, just not one love. This may be true for you, but I don't think that is the answer to everyone who says they may not believe in love. Some people who are cynical about true love, insist that one partner is more than enough. I agree with Magda that you should find out what he means by 'love'. It's an extremely crucial question.
bayouboi Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 He just sounds guarded about the idea of "love" to me. I feel sort of the same way. I think it's the result of giving my all in a relationship & getting to the point where both parties declare their "love" for each other, only to have all of that gone seemingly on a whim by the other party. I don't know if I believe in "love" the way I used to believe in it, but it doesn't mean I'm not open to the possibility of finding it. In fact, it's that hope that would make me want to bother in the first place.
Twenty-ten Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I'm sure he feels love, just doesn't believe that love he should be tie to loving one person. He wants the ability to have many friends, and love them to whatever degree he chooses. He also doesn't want anyone to expect a certain degree of attention from him. He certainly believes in love, just not one love. I wouldn't be so quick to assume this. I would simply ask him what he means by that exactly, that is a big statement to make to leave up to interpretation. Always ask what someone means when they throw out blanket statements like that. It could be he has never been in love before, or he does not believe love lasts or a number of other meanings that are exclusive to him. If he says he is never been in love before, he is not a lost cause he just doesn't know better. If he says he does not believe love lasts or that love can be achieved long term then he could have been badly hurt and is feeling a little negative about love at the moment, in which case he is not a lost cause but a harder sell.
sally4sara Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 What's the point of dating a guy that doesn't believe in love? Recently I was talking to a guy - he and I are still getting to know each other - and he mentioned the fact that he doesn't believe in love. I was taken aback, a little. Actually, more like disappointed. This got me thinking: Does this mean he's a lost cause? Meh, my husband said the same thing well before we even dated or thought of dating. He was just being contrary and had not had only had dysfunctional relationship at that point.
Frontliner Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 He just doesn't believe in love because he has never been in love before. But since you are his soul-mate you will teach him to love. Very romantic.
Author DollWelch Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 I agree with Magda that you should find out what he means by 'love'. It's an extremely crucial question. This is easier said than done. I agree it is an extremely crucial question, but I am shy to ask him. It would make for an awkward conversation. He and I did discuss the whole love idea, because he had originally asked me if I believed in love. I did say that love does indeed exist but that I don't entirely believe in it at the moment (Rough Patch). He agreed, said that he too didn't believe in it, and thought that different people experience different things. He said some other things that didn't make much sense, but I didn't bother asking. I'm still trying to get to know him better. So far, he's great on paper. But he does have a couple of big flaws. I'm not sure if I can over look them. One of them being the fact that he doesn't believe in love. Is this 'not believing in love' a deal breaker when dating? He's very intelligent, good looking, nice person to some degree, articulate, and he's heading into an extremely successful career. Yet, I can tell he doesn't know where he's going in his life. He said it himself. He doesn't even know what he wants from women, I think. I remember he made a reference saying that he'd want to make contact with me/each other a few years down the line when he's much more stable in his career. Does he expect that I'd wait for him years from now? That's ridiculous! Should I continue to get to know him and see where it goes? Or leave? Or try to be friends with him?
Author DollWelch Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Is this the guy who's possessed? No. This is someone new, I just recently met.
Jilly Bean Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 No. This is someone new, I just recently met. So, what happened to possessed guy? And maybe it's time to try a new avenue to meet men. If someone tells you they don't believe in love, it's because they have no plans of ever falling in love with YOU.
ADF Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 When a guy tells a woman, "I don't believe in love," what he usually really means is, "I don't want to be monogamous." I don't know this particular guy, so maybe he is an exception. But I doubt it.
Author DollWelch Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 If someone tells you they don't believe in love, it's because they have no plans of ever falling in love with YOU. IF this is true, then why does he continue to flirt with me? Why state that he's sexually attracted to me? Why continue to talk to me? Doesn't make sense. I don't think he understands his own thinking/actions.
SarahRose Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Next! Sounds like a flaky time waster to me. That might be his line to get into girls pants, the I don't believe in love rubbish and of course there are the masochistic girls who think they can show him the light lol
Peaceful Guy Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 What's the point of dating a guy that doesn't believe in love? Recently I was talking to a guy - he and I are still getting to know each other - and he mentioned the fact that he doesn't believe in love. I was taken aback, a little. Actually, more like disappointed. This got me thinking: Does this mean he's a lost cause? it means he's an idiot. im sorry, it really does.. ive hung out with people that would say stuff like that.. ridiculous.. but they'll act on it. so really, f-him..
hoping2heal Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 You can be sexually attracted to someone and not fall in love with them..you can also flirt & enjoy their company. He may be the type who is interested for a little while & then flakes out and it's on to the next person. That may be why he says he doesn't believe in love, or he's been jaded. Either way it's pretty clear that investing in this guy will only lead to hurt and more dissapointment.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 If you want a relationship, he's a complete waste of your time. I'd move on now before wasting any more time.
Twenty-ten Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 This is easier said than done. I agree it is an extremely crucial question, but I am shy to ask him. It would make for an awkward conversation. No it's not easier said than done, it's just as easy to ask about it even for a shy person. You say you are trying to get to know him but don't want to ask too many questions? Get over your shyness in this respect and understand you cannot get to know someone unless you make the effort to do so. Hiding behind being scared of asking someone to elaborate on what they mean when they make unclear comments and when you are trying to decide if they are worth your time and heart, is only going to be a disservice to YOU, and only you. Ask him flat out what he means by it, and if he can't explain it, won't explain it or gives you attitude because of your questions then move on. Communication in a relationship this early on is crucial and you need to set the precedence for what you expect out of him early on as he does with you. Which he already seems to have done so quite nicely. He and I did discuss the whole love idea, because he had originally asked me if I believed in love. I did say that love does indeed exist but that I don't entirely believe in it at the moment (Rough Patch). He agreed, said that he too didn't believe in it, and thought that different people experience different things. He said some other things that didn't make much sense, but I didn't bother asking. He could have very well just been following your lead, you did tell him first that you don't really believe in it either. Should he be asking his network of people if you are worth dating too? Major point here to consider! I'm still trying to get to know him better. So far, he's great on paper. But he does have a couple of big flaws. I'm not sure if I can over look them. One of them being the fact that he doesn't believe in love. Everyone is great on paper. Paper flies away with minimal effort and can be destroyed with a few drops of water, that in itself is reason alone to know that "good on paper" is WORTHLESS. He's very intelligent, good looking, nice person to some degree, articulate, and he's heading into an extremely successful career. Yet, I can tell he doesn't know where he's going in his life. He said it himself. Good looking, articulate and charming people can be at a cross-roads in life and not know at which direction they are headed. A person can be lost and aimless and the three preceding adjectives are not exclusively equal to having your life in order, contrary to popular belief. Good looking is not overall better, it is just good looking you still need to prove your worth in other areas. He doesn't even know what he wants from women, I think. If he is this confused about women and you sense this then he is a project not a romantic potential. Are you willing to waste your time "fixing" someone? I remember he made a reference saying that he'd want to make contact with me/each other a few years down the line when he's much more stable in his career. Take him up on his offer and tell him, definitely look me up when you are more together, if I am available I will respond. Bon voyage!
Chocolat Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 If someone tells you they don't believe in love, it's because they have no plans of ever falling in love with YOU. This was my first thought, too. One thing we all tend to do is not listen to what we are being told. He's making his intentions/abilities clear. Listen. IF this is true, then why does he continue to flirt with me? Why state that he's sexually attracted to me? Why continue to talk to me? Because he can be sexually attracted to you without loving you. And, unless he is an idiot, realises that he may have to create some illusion of a relationship to achieve that goal. Heck, he may genuinely enjoy talking with you. There are lots of people I like talking to who I do not love.
carhill Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Before moving on, just imagine how many other women he uses that line on each day. Good one. Probably in a PUA manual somewhere. I like how it appears as both a disclaimer and challenge all in one breath. Smooth.
Art_Critic Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Sounds to me that he has a beating lump of scar tissue in his chest right now instead of his heart... Time will fix that.. and so can another warm heart It's up to you if you want to invest time in the guy...
shadowofman Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I wouldn't think that right away. First I would ask him how he defines love. This was actually my point. That he no doubt feels love, but for whatever reason does not believe in LOVE. Unless he is part of an extremely tiny percentage of the population, he almost certainly is capable, and in fact feels love. What is the differece between love and LOVE? Is there a definable difference or is it a matter of degree? I believe it is a matter of degree.
magda Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I consider myself happily married but if you came up with a certain definition of love, let's say that fairy tale "the one" definition, I might agree that love in it's idealized form doesn't exist. But, he might be steering you towards being a booty call sort of relationship. You probably don't have to ask him his definition anyway. If you feel too awkward to talk about it, there's probably a reason you may not be able to identify--certain cues about him that you've been picking up.
VelveteenBunny Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 (edited) Only you can decide what is a deal breaker for yourself. I personally think the whole "I don't believe in love" thing, is a red flag. But to tell you the truth, I'm sort of the same way, myself. I believe there is an emotion we call love, but I also believe that it doesn't fit the definition of love, to make a long story short. It is difficult to tell what someone really means by that statement or how they came to that conclusion, without asking. How do they define love, why do they believe it doesn't exist, have they ever thought they were in love, etc.? Also, some people might lie and say they don't believe in it, which leads to the question, "Why would they be lying?" It's possible he has and can experience love, but equates "love" with mongamy and commitment, which he might not want. It's also possible that he equates it with being able to support you, which he might feel he cannot do now, due to his starting out in his career. It's possible, he has never loved anyone, and believes love isn't real simply because he hasn't experienced it, yet. If that's the case, maybe he's incapable of falling in love, or maybe he just hasn't been with the right person in the right circumstances, yet. It's also possible he's been hurt in the past, and it has made him jaded about love. If that's the case, it's possible he could love again, but if he's good at building up emotional walls, he might find it more difficult to love again now that he's been hurt. It's also possible that he believes in love, but believes it is weak and always dies, which to him, might demote it from love to some lesser emotion. It's also possible he said he didn't believe because you said you didn't believe. What I find most odd, is that he said you could contact each other years later when he's stable in his career. You cannot be expected to wait until he feels his life is in order. Even if you were willing, if you are apart and not in contact for that long, he could find someone else and get attached to them, or otherwise, one of you could change your minds. It is very possible he could love you eventually. I say I don't believe in love, yet I fell in love, anyway. Whatever that really means. For awhile, after my first love, I was incapable of making bonds or falling in love. Later, when I was able again, I was still cynical enough to say I didn't believe, but I did fall in love again, anyway. Maybe he will fall in love with you. BUT the man I am with is also cynical about love, and guess what? We've been together for over 2 years and he has NEVER said he loves me. I don't think he does, romantically speaking. I think he COULD have, but wouldn't let himself. So, he might be like I was in the beggining and like my bf still is- incapable and unwilling- or he might be like I am now, unbelieving, but able, even desiring it. He might be capable of loving you now, even though he says otherwise. If he isn't capable now, there are a few possibilities. If his inability or refusal is only temp. maybe he would stay with you through that patch until he loves you. But he also might move on, and not be capable of loving again until after you've broken up and he's with someone new. It's also possible he's permanantly damaged. I don't think my guy will ever love again, and I don't know if my mother will, either. She's been hurt so many times I think her heart has shut itself off. If I were you, I'd prob. date him, fall in love, get my heart broken. But if you do, at least be honest with yourself- he might not be capable of love, might not be willing to love, and even glimmers of hope that he might change, don't guarantee anything. The guy I am with came close to saying it twice, and both times he took it back. Edited May 16, 2010 by VelveteenBunny
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