ALombard Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 So yeah it's my second, almost third day of NC and I'm super bummed out. I know that this is supposed to happen and I know that for the next few weeks I'll have my good and bad days. I just miss her SO much. I feel like to express how I feel when I'm feeling like this would help. Whenever I have this feeling of missing her I have these ideas in my head that I could win her back. Maybe it's just the fact that the last two times we broke up and she started dating someone else I always was in constant contact with her and I always got her back. This time it just feels different which is making the situation worse. Let me explain. The first time we broke up she moved out of my house and moved an hour and a half away to San Diego. Her reasoning was because she felt like she wasn't the same person she was before and needed to focus on school and not our relationship, which was very bad at the time. We broke up two months after she moved out and she started seeing a guy she had met a few weeks prior who lived right next door to her. During this time period I was calling her crying, trying to get her back, going down to her apartment every weekend. Basically everything I shouldn't have been doing. Eventually the guy she was "seeing", I put that in quotations because she said they were never actually together, moved back up to Northern California. At this point she was still talking to him and he would come down every weekend or so but we were still talking and hanging out. She told me constantly that she didn't see us getting back together and that I should move on. Eventually after a few months she ended up moving back in with me. A month later we broke up because she told me she wanted to go back down to San Diego to be with the other guy. I kicked her out of my house and a few days later she called me to apologize and said she wanted me back. Now here is the second break up. After I met with her and talked to her after our first break up I realized I still wanted her in my life. I took her back 2 weeks later and things were good. We hung out everyday, she stayed at my house a lot, and the sex was amazing and very consistent. The only hang up, I didn't actually ever tell her we were officially back together so she would ask me all the time when we would be official. I told her simply that I didn't trust her that much to be her actual boyfriend and that I just needed some time to get over what she told me. Well after a few weeks she got tired of waiting and left me. She started dating a marine the next day and once again same situation. I was devastated, I cried, I called and texted her constantly trying to be her friend. Eventually her new boyfriend left to go overseas for 6 months. That's when we started hanging out a lot. I would always go down by her house and invite her to bars for drinks and to have fun. We were doing good as friends and eventually we started hooking up again. After a few weeks of this she broke up with her boyfriend and we started back up again. Once again, I never made it completely official. I had my set backs with her. I was in love with her without question but I always had the "what if's" in the back of my head. I couldn't fully make our relationship official because in my mind after leaving me for two different guys and coming back I was uncertain. I was afraid that she would do that to me again. She told me constantly that she knew what she did was wrong and she would never put me through that again. I still didn't fully believe her. We started fighting a lot and then BAM! Three weeks ago she calls me and says, we need time apart. I ask her if she was planning on leaving me for someone else and she said "no" and then asked me if I had any plans of doing that to her, which I replied "no". Anyway after 5 days of not talking to her or seeing her much I finally said "screw it" I realized I wanted her in my life and asked her to take me back. She said "No". Her reason was she was afraid I would just be super nice until she came back then let things go back to the way they were. So we break up. A few days later I sent her a mean text telling her she was a waste of 5 years of my life and yeah the next day she tells me she is with a new guy. It's been about 2 1/2 weeks now and for the first 2 weeks I did everything I could to get her back. I told her exactly how I felt and was only met with her response of, "I wish you would have told me these things earlier" or "You pushed me away" or "One day we can try again". So now I'm going NC, it's been almost three days and the last two mornings she has called me and I haven't picked up. I know this girl better than anyone and I know that this relationship, just like the last two won't work because they never have. She goes to other guys that treat her nice after we split I believe because she can't be alone or she is supplementing them for me. Just right now I wish I could call her or text her. I wish I could wake up from a phone call from her asking how my night at work was. I wish I could call her on my way to work and ask her how her day was. I would I could spoil her and love her and hold her in my arms and kiss her. But I can't, I'm not saying I will break NC but I'm just really sad right now. I know it will pass and I know that even if she decides she wants me back one day I would have to do some serious thinking. I don't know I just wanted to vent. Thanks.
jv032889 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Why do you want to be with someone who takes your feelings for granted? She comes back when her other flings backfire. She is treating you like a second class citizen. You deserve better than this. Don't allow her to constantly keep coming back. You know exactly how its going to end if you choose to answer those calls. I'm constantly reminding myself that I'll be okay without my ex. Its over and I know its the last time. I also feel different this time around. She has done this to me twice already. We are both familiar with the process. It does get easier. The rest of my life started 3 days ago. I've cried for less than an hour since the breakup... To me that is a big achievement! Keep your head up and if you need to talk just shoot me an PM. I find that if you have someone else to text, talk, im...It makes the days process so much easier. Btw, My ex and I work together.
The Paper Knight Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 deep down you love the tension - we all do, but don't let it consume you, by becoming attached to it, as this makes you a doormat. let it go.
Author ALombard Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Hey JV. Yeah here's the thing. I don't want to be with her anymore. I mean, at least, I don't think I do. Whenever we got back together she was seriously trying so hard to make things better. She kept asking to move back in, she would always leave me little love letters around my house to wake up to or come home to. She would always call just to see how my day was, she was always inviting me to go out with friends. Now I did tell her, and promise myself when she asked me to take some time to myself that if this led to her dating another guy right off the bat that I would be done forever. I told her that 3 times in a year and a half was way too many and that I would never look back if she did this again. So I mean I know going back to her if the opportunity arose, which it probably will one day, would be a bad idea. I try to look at that situation as if I were one of my friends looking at me. I would lose all respect for myself, show everyone that I have no dignity, and that basically I like to just be stepped all over. I'm not here to do that, in fact I never want to be a doormat again. So yeah any thoughts?
jv032889 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 AL, The circumstances that lead up to this don't really matter. The point is we are no longer a part of our exes lives. We have to gather ourselves and strive forward. Its our choice to allow our exes to control our life. I live by this motto "a person only does what you allow them" .With that being said If I allow her to come into my life when she wants she will continue doing as she pleases. Same goes to you, If you answer her calls and let her sweet talk you, she will continue to play with your feelings. Its so easy to go back to someone that you know will be there for you no matter how they treat you. One time is way too many. I do know from experience that this time around it seems a little easier than before. This also shows that its getting old and I need to get out of this cycle
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