How do you remain NC when there's a child involved?

[BlindbyLove]

I recently post that my Ex left me nearly 3 months ago after a 12+ year relationship. I've tried every mistake I could to try and get her back but to no avail. Did more harm than i did good. But since her leaving, I am aware of her dating of other guys now and that i need just to move on and let the past be the past and work on myself now and just get over it.

 

I have been reading quit a bit on this site about all the different things that you people have been through and what you have done to get through your own heartaches that I decided to take your advice and try this "No Contact" idea and just see where it was going to go. I figured either way it was a win/win for me if nothing else. Either I will get her back or get over the hurt/emotion a lot faster than just torturing myself with the emails, texts, phone calls, what have ya....

 

But.....Here's my problem! I have a child with her. How do i have a NC with her? I told her 2 days ago in an Email that i thought it would be better for me if we no longer talk or see eachother for a while. At least until i am the stronger person to be able to deal with my emotions when I'm around her. all she could say was that she was sorry for everything but that it was fine, no problem. (I figured it wouldn't be)

 

Now after saying all this, she text me the next day saying "your son is done with his homework, would you like to come and pick him up?" Wait a minute, I'm thinking WTF! Don't get me wrong, I love my son just as much as the next person, but what part of I don't want to see you right now don't you understand.....

I just don't know how to read into this or how to deal with it. I don't want to hurt my son (9 yrs) because of all this, but at the same time, I don't like having to go pick him right now when i have to deal with the woman that means the world to me....

 

I could go on but really was just looking for some advice from anyone else that had to go through what i'm now face to deal with. Or any positive advice period. Thanks

[Chrome Barracuda]

Since there's a child dont go NC, go LC. only talk in terms when it comes to the childs well being. Also dont be in her presence or her space. if there's a function, go solo without her, plays, baseball games, concerts. You keep your distance.

 

Also GAL, hit the gym, get new hobbies, new friends.

 

Date around, sleep around, use protection or not, but excersize your options.

 

Your not dead. Just gotta rebuild without her that's all...

 

Your gonna be fine. maybe it's best you moved on. Detach and move on.

[You Go Girl]

I hope that you not wanting to see her doesn't mean that you don't want to see your son!

Low contact means just that--try to stick to the arrangements of your child going back and forth between you.

Emails worked for me for all those years until my daughter used her own cell phone to make her own arrangements.

You may, on some occasions, have to speak on the phone. So make it short and to the point.

But don't neglect your son!

Stay in your car in the driveway when you pick him up. He can walk to the car, right?

Same when you drop him off. If need be, use your horn on your car to let her know, and she can do the same.

You don't need to step foot in her house, and neither does she need to come into yours.

Worked for me, for 6 years until my daughter was 18.

[floridapad]

I did limited contact for 4 months and it did wonders for me. Here's my two cents

 

1) Most important thing of all is to remember that LC/NC is NOT I repeat NOT about getting them back. It does not work. It may peak their curiosity a bit or they may have weak moments but it does not get them back so get it out of your head.

 

2) NC/LC is there to shelter you from her so you can (here's the real reason)...Move on. It doesn't work if you only use it as a shelter. If you don't do the GALing part (Getting A Life) then when LC/NC is broken (and trust me down the road it will be ) then you will have gained nothing and in fact some people end up going to square one. So it is IMPORTANT to GAL.

 

3) Grieve and accept your loss during the beginning of NC. This is the time. She is gone. Grieve and GAL in order to accept and move forward.

 

4)YOU control LC/NC not her. YOU set the boundaries not her. YOU determine the amount of contact not her. You do not have to answer every e-mail or text if it relates to something already agreed upon. Keep messages short to "ok" or "no" or "yes". This is about YOU healing and getting away from the person and GALing your tail off.

 

5) Determine a set schedule for visitation immediately. Days times etc so you don't have to get texts like that one you got. If you do there is no need to respond. Make sure part of the agreement includes the kids being ready outside. It was Hell for me the first few times I picked up my kids because my W didn't have them ready. I put a stop to that.

 

6) Should a weak moment occur and your STBXW says something like "I miss you", ignore it. She misses you only minimally and she may be in between guys. If she missed you alot she would say "I adore you and love you and can't live without you." Then you have something to work with. Until then (unlikely to happen) everything else short of this is NOTHING.

 

7) If YOU have a weak moment (and you will). Know this. EVERY time you make progress and break the NC/LC rule. You start ALL over again. Now do you really want to do that. I've seen where people have gone a couple of months and slowly started to pull out of it only to have a weak moment because their significant other said "I miss you" and they responded "I miss you too" and boom the Walkaway got what she wanted and wants no more and you're wondering "wow she misses me yippee. Why doesn't she call me?"

 

8) GAL for yourself. Learn about yourself. LC for yourself and focus on the children and adapting to single life. Look at the website www.meetup.com. It has great single life groups, divorce groups, hobby groups and anything you can imagine to keep yourself busy.

 

9) get a support group of like minded people who can be there for you. This place is great but go to Divorce care or some other support group. You can meet some great people.

 

10) Go on antidepressants only if necessary but do not resort to alcohol. I did and it makes for some nice evenings but Hellish depressing days. It creates a dependency which also kills the self esteem.

 

11) Finally I will repeat number one because it is that important. NC/LC does not work to get them back. It is solely for you to heal and GAL.

 

Good luck with it all

[BlindbyLove]

I want to thank those of you that responded, you guys stressed some really good points.

 

Especially when it was said not to neglect my son just because i didn't want to be deal with her.

 

My wife left me I didn't leave her, my son shouldn't have to suffer because dad is having a hard time getting over mom.

Again, thanks everyone!

[stepka]

Absolutely, and just remember that your son will not understand about the NC thing--he will take it very personally if you limit your contact with him also. His folks have broken it off, he's very hurt by this, and he needs you to be there for him to help him heal. If you don't, he will have some anger issues later on that may never heal, so take every opp you have to see him.

 

My dd (15) doesn't always want to go do things with dad, and I've left it mostly up to her, but I encourage her to anyway, b/c I know that in the long run it will hurt her more if she doesn't have a relationship with him. My 18 yo dd is fine, or seems to be anyway, but she's more excited about college right now than anything else.