CuriousQDe Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I went out on a date last Saturday with a nice gentleman I recently met. If I could erase one event, I would call it a perfect evening. He tried to sleep with me on the first date. I'm back on the market after a long marriage I have never experienced this before. I've dated, and found it very easy to turn down guys, but I actually liked this one. I did not give in, but I had a really good time otherwise. He's absolutely fascinating. At any rate, he lives about two hours away, but my home is not very far from his mother and sister. He chose to come for a visit with them and take me out but chose to stay in a hotel. We met in the lobby and went to dinner. Had the best conversation I have had in some time. We get back to his hotel and he asks to sit and talk. I was so relieved, because I immediately was on guard. I didn't want the night to end, it was only 930, but I didn't want to go to his room either. We had planned other things but the temperature had dropped and it was very windy which changed our plans. Before I answered he suggests we go back to his room. So yes, I went knowing full well he was probably going to put the moves on me. I was open to a kiss and felt sure enough about the situation to be able to handle anything. So we talk a lot more. Got very comfortable, watched a little TV and then came the first kiss. It was so romantic. But when he slipped his hand underneath my dress, I was caught off guard. He had his hand on my thigh and kept kissing me. I started to say, no I can't do this. but he kept going. Then I said, no I mean really no. And he backed up as if I was crying rape. I didn't mean to make it that dramatic, but he said saying, "really no" spooked him. He started talking about rules in dating and those "old-fashioned" notions about what's proper and what's not proper. i said I understand that all but I can't do this. We spent probably another 30 minutes on this, and I started to get a headache---really, I mean it. So I got up to go--not in a huff, it was getting on to midnight about then. He walks me to my car, gives me a hug and a kiss, and I thought oh well, he's pissed. I asked him if I would see him again and he starts talking about his schedule, and I thought wow, I really had him pegged all wrong. I drove home after midnight and he didn't call to see if i arrived home okay. I was pretty sad. But the next morning he called and apologized, told me about his plans for his mother. We spoke briefly again in the afternoon, and then we spoke for two hours on his trip home and up until the time he needed to shower and prepare for work on Monday. Again, another very engaging conversation. Was awesome. He's such a breath of fresh air. A couple cute texts since and one short phone call. His birthday is next week and he had a trip planned already, so it's likely to be at least two weeks before I can see him again. Is he interested or pissed he went through all this effort, bought an expensive meal and got nothing out it? I am totally smitten,but not about to give it up. What's the next best move to find out if he's interested?
Romance Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Sounds like it can still work, maybe he just felt like he was getting mixed signals from you. I mean, going to his hotel room and then shouting no, I can see where he might feel confused. But I think its worth a shot, he is still showing interest.
WalkInThePark Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 But when he slipped his hand underneath my dress, I was caught off guard. He had his hand on my thigh and kept kissing me. I started to say, no I can't do this. but he kept going. Then I said, no I mean really no. And he backed up as if I was crying rape. I didn't mean to make it that dramatic, but he said saying, "really no" spooked him. He started talking about rules in dating and those "old-fashioned" notions about what's proper and what's not proper. i said I understand that all but I can't do this. I see a big red flag here. He does not respect your boundaries. If you say "No" he has to stop immediately. I don't understand what this has to do with rules in dating. Is there a rule which says that if a guy puts his hand under your dress that you should let him continue if you don't like it? You make your own rules. What works for you is the rule. I think you don't feel very confident because it seems to me that you are now doubting yourself. I understand this but it is turning around things. You should not worry about whether or not this guy likes you but about whether or not YOU like him. Do you like someone who does not respect your boundaries?
Author CuriousQDe Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Just relax and see if he continues to contact and pursue you. Not sleeping with him on the first date isn't a deal breaker if someone is interested. It's only a deal breaker if all they wanted was sex. So if he doesn't contact you and keep pursuing, you have your answer and good riddance to him anyway if that's the case. @sadintexas, I am a bit tense because I like him and would like to see where this goes. And I can see he's interested too, but will I have to keep fighting him off every time I see him? And does it make seem arbitrary that I pull a "perfect number of dates" out of my head before I sleep with him making him think I am just playing games? We have tentative plans for when he comes back, and I'm cooking for him. The last thing I want is for him to think is that coming to my house is an invitation to sex. Sounds like it can still work, maybe he just felt like he was getting mixed signals from you. I mean, going to his hotel room and then shouting no, I can see where he might feel confused. But I think its worth a shot, he is still showing interest. @Romance. I suppose that's true. I thought we were on the same page because earlier in the evening, when we had just gotten there, he waited some time before turning on all the lights. i asked him to please turn on the lights because i will fall asleep very quickly in a dark room. He jokes, so if you're sleepy, go to sleep, what do you think you're going to wake up and find me all over you? And I didn't shout no, i said it between very welcomed kisses. i guess that's where confusion comes in. I've so much to learn about men. Kiss, yes, sex, no, is that really so difficult to communicate? I see a big red flag here. He does not respect your boundaries. If you say "No" he has to stop immediately. I don't understand what this has to do with rules in dating. Is there a rule which says that if a guy puts his hand under your dress that you should let him continue if you don't like it? You make your own rules. What works for you is the rule. I think you don't feel very confident because it seems to me that you are now doubting yourself. I understand this but it is turning around things. You should not worry about whether or not this guy likes you but about whether or not YOU like him. Do you like someone who does not respect your boundaries? I made it clear to him that I was not convinced about his thesis that two adults who are attracted to each other can sleep together on the first date. And he did stop. What I wanted to convey is that I am very attracted to him, and I want to get to know him. I told him later, when he was on his way back home, that I have never had casual sex and I never intend to. And after that we had a conversation about what it be like if we were in a relationship. Because this was on the phone, I didn't read too much into it. The looming question for me is if we see each other again, do I have to go through the same thing over and over again. The only thing I'm not very confident in is my ability to continually abstain because he is super sexy to me, and the truth is that i definitely wanted it. i had to fight myself not to give in. But I refuse to sleep with anybody I am not in a solid relationship with.
WalkInThePark Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 The looming question for me is if we see each other again, do I have to go through the same thing over and over again. The only thing I'm not very confident in is my ability to continually abstain because he is super sexy to me, and the truth is that i definitely wanted it. i had to fight myself not to give in. But I refuse to sleep with anybody I am not in a solid relationship with. Well, he will show you whether or not you will have to go through the same thing over and over again. But since you have apparently told him very clearly what your boundaries are, he should respect him. So if at a next date, he starts groping again, you have to stop seeing him. If you need a solid relationship to be physically intimate - which is BTW a point of view which is healthy - you need to get to know him better. Impossible to say how many dates are necessary for that. What matters, is that you get an idea of who this person is. What kind of friends does he have? What is his view on relationships? Most importantly: can he respect your boundaries? I am far from convinced that he can. I don't like his ideology of adults who are attracted to each other sleep together on the first date. This sounds to me like his is trying to convince you whereas he should simply respect that you feel different about this. You say he did stop but he only did it after you insisted. I don't like such behaviour. Also, if he finds it so normal that adults who are attracted to each other sleep together on the first date, what does he do when he meets no matter what attractive female and feels attracted to her. Don't let yourself be blinded by the fact that you find him very attractive. I read in your posts that you are not very confident and worry a lot whether he thinks you are OK. That puts you in a weak position because you are so eager to please him that you are prepared to forget about your boundaries.
Author CuriousQDe Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 I said those exact words to him, that what if we were in a serious relationship and maybe at work he finds himself attracted to someone, why not just go for it. That's his logic. He goes, of course not that's different, he's referring someone he's seeing, he's always been faithful, etc.. it was laughable, I know. He said something that made me think he wondered whether I was attracted to him. Maybe that was part of the schpeel, I dunno. What I know for sure is that I like him and want to see him again, but sex at this stage is a nonnegotiable. I suspect he won't continue bothering to see me if that's all he wants. And it's too early to call right now. We continue to talk and text and email. I would love opinions on this. Maybe this is crazy. But i was thinking of a pre-emptive strike. He's coming to my house for dinner when he gets back from his trip. I'm thinking of a "kissing" assault right at the door where I tell him, that yes, I'm into him, and maybe when the time is right, it's on, but that time is not now. Would a guy get freaked out by that?
WalkInThePark Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I said those exact words to him, that what if we were in a serious relationship and maybe at work he finds himself attracted to someone, why not just go for it. That's his logic. He goes, of course not that's different, he's referring someone he's seeing, he's always been faithful, etc.. it was laughable, I know. He said something that made me think he wondered whether I was attracted to him. Maybe that was part of the schpeel, I dunno. What I know for sure is that I like him and want to see him again, but sex at this stage is a nonnegotiable. I suspect he won't continue bothering to see me if that's all he wants. And it's too early to call right now. We continue to talk and text and email. I would love opinions on this. Maybe this is crazy. But i was thinking of a pre-emptive strike. He's coming to my house for dinner when he gets back from his trip. I'm thinking of a "kissing" assault right at the door where I tell him, that yes, I'm into him, and maybe when the time is right, it's on, but that time is not now. Would a guy get freaked out by that? Stop playing your stupid games. You cry out loud that you don't want to have sex yet you meet him first at his hotel room and now you invite him to your house. ??? No, I don't think as such that just because you meet in a hotel room or at your house, that it is an open invitation to sex. But on the other hand, it ain't neutral ground either. You are sending double messages and I think it has to do with the fact that you have selfesteem issues. I think your ego needs to feel that the guy would want to have sex with you yet you don't want to give it to him. This way you will manoeuvre yourself into a situation where you will eventually have sex and then feel very bad about it. Because there is a good chance that once the guy has had sex, he does not want to see you anymore. And you will have contributed to that because if you play such games around him getting sex or not, guys have enough of that after they got the "price". You don't want to have sex with him now, or at least that is what you are telling yourself. Then stick to that and meet on neutral ground, go for dinner, for a walk, play some tennis or squash together. But do not play the innocent victim whose boundaries are not respected if you create a setting where everything seems to show that you don't want to hold up your boundaries!
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