I want him to know my flaws, or I won't believe he loves me??

[onemorecupofcoffee]

We have a great relationship, going on 14 months now. He's in southern california and i'm in northern.

 

He thinks I'm great, and that nothing about me bothers him. There are things about him that bother me, and I tell him when I am bothered to his face when they come up. But I like the same in return... I want him to tell me things about me that are imperfect, flawed, so I can not only work on them, but also so I can know that he will love me anyway. I feel like I don't trust his love until he knows my flaws.

 

Does this make sense or am I crazy? I don't like it when he says I'm perfect-- I don't believe it and it makes me doubt the things he says. The worst thing, to me, is when people hide their true feelings because I am so the opposite... gargh.

[aerogurl87]

This sounds like the beginning of a storm of drama and unhealthiness that your trying to mix up. No one wants to have their imperfections pointed out to them. I mean it's great you can see his flaws, but pointing them out everytime probably hurts him even if he doesn't say anything. If my SO did that, I'd move on in a heartbeat. No one likes being picked apart by the person they love.

[thisismystory]

Do you go like "This annoys me." or "Aww, sweetie, you're being ___ insert adjective here ____" in a light-hearted tone. I think there's a difference in acknowledging and accepting flaws and helping keep the flaws in check (subtly), and just flat out pointing out flaws.

 

For instance, I am well aware of my flaws and I won't mind if my SO points them out to me IF he accepts me for who I am. Otherwise, saying "you're too this" and "you're too that" will just turn me off and make me wonder "why are you with me then, if so many of my 'flaws' bother you?"

[onemorecupofcoffee]

I don't abrasively point out his flaws. I am just honest when something bothers me (in a nice way, not in an angry way - in the 14 months we've been LD, we've never yelled or said anything hurtful . I don't like to hold it in, and I admit it's a bit selfish, but I always have to say it when I'm feeling it. But it's more like, "Sweetie... I don't feel that good right now... " and that's usually how it starts.

 

But thanks for that bit of a warning... I feel like I am starting some unhealthy drama by thinking this negatively. I should be happy that I am in such a wonderful relationship, especially given the distance. And I should trust his love...

 

And also, I am thinking about it now, I feel like I should maybe learn to not feel the impulse to always bring things up. I don't necessarily need to suppress it within myself or anything, but just know that the other person doesn't need to know every single time I'm bothered. It's selfish, I think. Sigh.

 

Thanks for the replies!

[Els]

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling him if something about him bothers you. Frankly, I would be worried if a guy thought I was 'perfect' as well - because there is no way you will live up to that expectation, and people who claim that you're perfect, IMO, tend to be people who try to deny and overlook and keep silent on anything you do that bothers them... until it all blows up. My bf told me he thought I was perfect, in the first year or so of our relationship, and I felt so touched... until I realized that that was probably the reason for the few huge blowups that we had 1.5+ years into the R. Fortunately he's beginning to learn to communicate what bothers him, as opposed to denying it to himself and keeping it inside.

 

Although, yes, I do agree that there are things you should mention (in a nice way! ) and things you should just let slide. I think a healthy balance would be to decide which things will seriously impact the future of your R (such as him not communicating much, for example), and which things don't really matter (such as him leaving his socks on the chair when he comes to visit), and only mention the former.

 

Also, I'd advise not pointing it out as a 'flaw', but rather 'I feel xxx when yyy happens'. But I'm sure you know all of that already.

Edited May 12, 2010 by Elswyth

[Spiritofnow]

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling him if something about him bothers you. Frankly, I would be worried if a guy thought I was 'perfect' as well - because there is no way you will live up to that expectation, and people who claim that you're perfect, IMO, tend to be people who try to deny and overlook and keep silent on anything you do that bothers them... until it all blows up. My bf told me he thought I was perfect, in the first year or so of our relationship, and I felt so touched... until I realized that that was probably the reason for the few huge blowups that we had 1.5+ years into the R. Fortunately he's beginning to learn to communicate what bothers him, as opposed to denying it to himself and keeping it inside.

 

Although, yes, I do agree that there are things you should mention (in a nice way! ) and things you should just let slide. I think a healthy balance would be to decide which things will seriously impact the future of your R (such as him not communicating much, for example), and which things don't really matter (such as him leaving his socks on the chair when he comes to visit), and only mention the former.

 

Also, I'd advise not pointing it out as a 'flaw', but rather 'I feel xxx when yyy happens'. But I'm sure you know all of that already.

 

EXACTLY!!!

 

I couldn't have said it better