Mrs. Ambivalent Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Hi everyone. It's been so long since I've posted and I wanted to type a quick update. I'm finally ready to tell my husband I want a divorce. If you've followed my story at all (I have only started one other thread so you can find it easily if you're interested), you know I tried to separate this last fall and then decided to stay to work things out. That has not worked out so well. My H is trying to be nicer and not yell and get sooo angry. BUT he's still the same miserable person. To me and to the kids. He didn't do anything that he said he would do back in the fall when he said he would 'do whatever it takes'. He hasn't picked up one of those anger books, he hasn't gone to individual couseling. He has gone to couples counseling with me and spends the time blaming me for our problems. His Mantra goes like this (verbatim) "if you would be nice to me I would be nice to you". Over and over. Thanks to many of your suggestions I have read a handful of books that have helped me make this decision. Books on emotional abuse. The more I read the more I see my husband in these books. He is a power person who has controlled me for all 18 years of our marriage. I have tried for so long, I have been loyal to a fault (sacrificing who I am to my core), I have cried many tears. I am done. I never imagined I would be divorced. But now I feel like I need to do this for me and for my sanity. I feel now like I have no choice. I cannot live with him anymore. He sucks the life right out of me. My plan is for Friday when he gets home from work. The boys will be at a friend's house. I will have my bags packed and if he tries anything like he did before (death threats and the like) I will leave immediately. I have had enough of his crap to last me the rest of my life. Thanks for listening everyone, and for chiming in to my story in the past. It's greatly appreciated. I really didn't want to go down this road. My mind is so foggy I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the week. I feel like curling up into the fetal position on my bed and stay there til it's over. Ug!! Anyone else out there who was the one to leave, how long before you started to feel like yourself again? I need to know how far away that light is at the end of the tunnel. Thanks!
carhill Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 With stbx and I it was pretty mutual, but the official 'leaving' (deciding to divorce) took place at what was to become our new home, so I guess I left and went back to my old home. It took about six to eight months, along with the beginnings of the legal process (the mechanics part) to really 'feel' like myself again. I stuck with my support system and reading LS as therapy, since we ended MC shortly before deciding to divorce. I'm now out about a year from the 'leaving' part and rarely have any negative thoughts. Life is far from perfect but little of it is related to the divorce and failed marriage, so I'm the only one held up for scrutiny now. We each make our own path. I felt positive about the effects of MC and the lessons learned there and continue to use that information to improve and cope with the bad days. I hope MC helped you as well. Life does go on, people accept the 'new' you, and you'll make new, positive, memories. Best wishes
You Go Girl Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Read the thread Trippi started on "control". I vaguely remember posting myself on that thread at some point--NO MORE SELF SACRIFICE. People with anger problems are much like addicts. Maybe they are addicts, addicted to anger. My father was a tyrant. We all walked on eggshells when he was around for all my youth. After 18 years, you don't remember what it's like to walk around stomping your feet if you feel like it, or the best of them all--simply walking around like a normal person free in their space to do so. It's going to be very liberating. Keep posting--I'll be watching for them...I know the place you're at...courage hun, practice in front of the mirror if need be--get to that relaxed place where it's simply stating a fact--and asserting yourself. He won't react like a normal person. You know this. Make it short and to the point, then leave for the weekend perhaps? Staying in that house after that conversation could be hellish. Do you have family or a friend who will not only put you up for the weekend, but give you support emotionally?
Patrice Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Hi there, I was married 26 years and left last March. Our divorce is final now .. and I am seeing someone else. The process will take some time. You will have good days and bad days - trying to come to terms about why you allowed yourself to be treated that way for so long. For me, it's been about being careful not to get into another relationship like the marriage, taking the time to do things for myself, make sure my children are well and moving on and up in my career. Be kind to yourself .. especially on the bad days .. allow yourself to feel it, grieve it ..every time you do, you become a little more whole. Hugs
Author Mrs. Ambivalent Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Hi everyone Thanks so much for responding. I have a huge network of friends who have been tremendously helpful to me and will continue to be. I have a plan to go to a friend's house after I tell him if/when I need to. I hope to not have to spend the whole weekend away but I will if I need to. I also have some cash stashed and got a credit card that has only my name on it. I'll get a room for the weekend with the kids if I feel like I need to. I plan to be blunt and to the point and leave the minute he starts with the anger. Anger and manipulation is how he handles everything, so I'm sure that's the response I will get. I'm tired of it and won't put up with it any longer than I must. I really feel like I took so long to make this move and this decision that I feel like I have done all of the hard work already. Mentally I feel very strong. Last fall I was weak and confused. My friends, co-workers and therapist have all made comments to me in the past month about how I look and act like a different person. I've lost weight, starting dressing nicer, started wearing my hair down instead of pulling it up all the time, started carrying myself differently. I feel like a different person. I am strong and confident now. I feel like he can't break me. He has stolen enough of me. Time to get myself back. Thanks again!!
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