reboot Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I guess my question is how long is the grieving process? I know she will never forget but how long until we can move the affair form the driver's seat to the passamgers seat and work on our marriage? That could easily take 3-5 years.
HappyAgain Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I can't help but add my comments to your thread. What you wrote could have been written by my xH. He was a serial cheater throughout our marriage. He tried to have sex with every female he met, he had cybersex with friend's wives, phone sex with 16 year-olds when he was in his mid-thirties, he chased every woman who was interested when he went back to school, work related affairs, etc. The hardest thing I had to deal with was when he came to my work and had to tell me that he was fired from his job because his BOSS caught him having sex with a co-worker - a woman who had just returned from maternity leave. I thought the previous betrayals were bad enough but that took the cake. We broke up for a short while but got back together. It took me a while to understand that behavior on my part but I realized that I was in shock and working on auto-pilot for months before the true reality of what he did hit me and I was able to process it. He never felt true remorse for what that did to me, he was only sorry about the consequences of having been caught. And like you, all he wanted was for me to "get over it" as if there was a deadline for how long I needed to recover, forgive, and try to work past it. MC was useless as we were in MC when he got caught having sex at his workplace. I couldn't work according to his schedule and guess what - he started a new EA with another woman from his new job, he was having cybersex with a friend's daughter, etc. Besides being upset with me that I wouldn't forgive him fast enough, he too felt that I was dependent on him and couldn't manage without him. I was getting therapy on my own and I learned that I was suffering from depression, that I had "given up on myself" for putting up with this covert abuse from him for all those years. He had these affairs mainly because I wasn't acting like a porn star in the bedroom. He literally watched tonnes of porn and expected that real life was supposed to be like that. I've read almost all his emails, IMs, saw the sex pictures he took with the other women and I knew what he was looking for from them. But how would I have ever been able to be more intimate/sexy/kinky with him when I was always struggling with my self-worth from the latest affair he had?? I wasn't able to forgive him for his latest escapade and I left him finally. My xH also thought that I couldn't survive without him, that I was too dependent on him. I wasn't but he believed that - he even called me a year after I stopped talking to him and accused me of still wanting him back. I honestly wasn't thinking much about him by that time except to find out if he was ever going to go through with our divorce. Today, I don't want to even know if he is alive, happy, sad, etc. I HAVE moved on with my life although it took me almost 4 years of therapy to forgive myself - forgive myself because I accepted the fault for his problems. I don't wish him ill nor do I wish him happiness I just don't want anything. I didn't write all this to make you feel bad but to make you understand the harm behavior like yours does to your spouse. If you truly love this woman, don't put time limits on her grieving/dealing with the betrayal, don't push her to forgive you too fast - I had done that in the past and it made no difference to the problems in my marriage, my xH cheated again, get individual counseling in addition to MC because the problem stems from something missing inside of YOU not her. AND, if you don't feel like you can do these things, please, please let her go. The most residual damage done to me by my xH was to keep stringing me along for years telling me that he was going to change this time. Your wife will remember and be dealing with this for years to come and not just when you leave her (if you do.)
Cassablanca Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Read everything she said^ You ruined it already. If someone did that to me I wouldn't even give them the light of day. She doesn't deserve this. Despite you saying you know you did terrible things and you love your wife, it really just sounds as if you are scared to be alone.
on1wheel Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 You deserve what you're getting. Not trying to be cruel, but you know it was the cowards way to get what you needed. You didn't have 1 affair, but rather keep betraying your wife...what did U think she'd do? You should not be married, as you don't respect her or your vows. Vows are unbreakable promises you make before God, family & friends. But a vows don't mean anything to you do they? IMO, the best thing for you & your wife is to divorce & then try to be the best parents you can to your kids. Then she can find a man that understands what being faithful is & you can just date different people...everyone wins & no one gets hurt again.
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