Had an Affair, Now Kicked Out - What Now??

[bfdfirefighter]

Hi I am a 30yo man you had multiple affairs. I have been with my wife for 12 years, the last 6 we have been married. We have two awesome kids, a boy 1yr and a girl 3.5 . The first affair was in college with an older women prior to my wife and I being engaged. However before I aksed her to marry me I stopped it. I was mostly happy, I never even considered being with another women, I did however, have some concers which I never voiced - the lack of sex, however I think it was more a lack of attention / appreciation than the sex. Once my daighter was born I got no appreciation and I believe that drove me to have a couple of affairs in the past 3 years. I know and truly believe what I did was wrong and was the coward way out instead of fighting for what I needed from her instead of just getting it eslewhere. One of the girl became attached and eventually sent my wife a message on facebook tellling her about our affair. Once my wife learned of this, she said if there is anymore I want to know in the next 24hrs, so I decided to come clean, which I did. However the last girl I was having an affair currently was a co-worker and was more like a relationship and there was an emotional as well as a physical attachedment which I had / have trouble breaking. I tried mulitple times to stop communicating with this girl but I think I believed that all hope for my wife wanting me back and changing so I felt needed and appreciated was gone and I was holding on to someone that gave me that feeling. This girl and I never fooled around again but would communiate back and forth once in a while and finally stopped about a week and a half before my anniversary. My wife found out about it the day after our anniversary when she was snooping and was understandable pissed / hurt and upset. Since then we have had a tough time communicating because she doesnt trust me at all, but during that week of our anniversary before she found out I saw the women I married!! So the last straw came the other night when I went to my company party with my wife (the affair was not there) however, I was worried about her showing up but still wanted to go to show my wife that it wasnt a work problem, it was a problem with me. But I was introducing her to a co-worker and introduced her as the affairs name. She stormed out and then came back after she composed herself, then a day later kicked me out of the house so she could figure stuff out.

 

My quesiton is what now? We have and still are doing individual and couples counseling but is there hope? I know I have done some terrible and hurtfull things but I truly love my wife and didnt want to hurt her, I just wasnt getting what I needed in my marriage and took the coward way out. She is a terrific mother and I couldnt imagine anyone else being the mother of my kids.

 

So What Now?

[babyontheway]

sounds like you need some counseling. I don't know what some people are thinking. As the victim of cheating that I just found out about, I know how it feels. She gave you another chance even though you cheated multiple times. She will never trust you again. If she gives you another chance, you should be grateful and never do anything like that again. You would think you would have learned your lesson from before.

Get some help. It's not right and it is the most horrible feeling in the world to find out that the person that you love and that you are sharing your life with has hurt you like that.

[bentnotbroken]

What now? I say you show her how much you love her and let her move on to someone who is mature enough to respect her, someone who is mature enough to be faithful and someone who can remember her name.

[bentnotbroken]

Hi I am a 30yo man you had multiple affairs. I have been with my wife for 12 years, the last 6 we have been married. We have two awesome kids, a boy 1yr and a girl 3.5 . The first affair was in college with an older women prior to my wife and I being engaged. However before I aksed her to marry me I stopped it. I was mostly happy, I never even considered being with another women, I did however, have some concers which I never voiced - the lack of sex, however I think it was more a lack of attention / appreciation than the sex. Once my daighter was born I got no appreciation and I believe that drove me to have a couple of affairs in the past 3 years. I know and truly believe what I did was wrong and was the coward way out instead of fighting for what I needed from her instead of just getting it eslewhere. One of the girl became attached and eventually sent my wife a message on facebook tellling her about our affair. Once my wife learned of this, she said if there is anymore I want to know in the next 24hrs, so I decided to come clean, which I did. However the last girl I was having an affair currently was a co-worker and was more like a relationship and there was an emotional as well as a physical attachedment which I had / have trouble breaking. I tried mulitple times to stop communicating with this girl but I think I believed that all hope for my wife wanting me back and changing so I felt needed and appreciated was gone and I was holding on to someone that gave me that feeling. This girl and I never fooled around again but would communiate back and forth once in a while and finally stopped about a week and a half before my anniversary. My wife found out about it the day after our anniversary when she was snooping and was understandable pissed / hurt and upset. Since then we have had a tough time communicating because she doesnt trust me at all, but during that week of our anniversary before she found out I saw the women I married!! So the last straw came the other night when I went to my company party with my wife (the affair was not there) however, I was worried about her showing up but still wanted to go to show my wife that it wasnt a work problem, it was a problem with me. But I was introducing her to a co-worker and introduced her as the affairs name. She stormed out and then came back after she composed herself, then a day later kicked me out of the house so she could figure stuff out.

 

My quesiton is what now? We have and still are doing individual and couples counseling but is there hope? I know I have done some terrible and hurtfull things but I truly love my wife and didnt want to hurt her, I just wasnt getting what I needed in my marriage and took the coward way out. She is a terrific mother and I couldnt imagine anyone else being the mother of my kids.

 

So What Now?

 

 

:sick:What drove you to have the affair is that lack of maturity that showed when you couldn't deal with the attention a child received. Did it occur to you that you are an adult?

[Samantha0905]

Why would anyone else be the mother of your kids?

 

I agree -- you need counseling. Your wife has been put through enough. I don't know what to tell you other than grovel, grovel, grovel, beg, beg, beg. If you're going to continue with this behavior, however, I hope she moves along with her own life.

 

And I agree about the name.

[Cinnamon2000]

You're a serial cheater. How would you feel if your wife slept with a few men out there and introduce you to her aunt as "John?"

 

How can you introduce your wife as the affairee's name? Can it get any more hurtful than that?

[White Flower]

 

 

My quesiton is what now? We have and still are doing individual and couples counseling but is there hope? I know I have done some terrible and hurtfull things but I truly love my wife and didnt want to hurt her, I just wasnt getting what I needed in my marriage and took the coward way out. She is a terrific mother and I couldnt imagine anyone else being the mother of my kids.

 

So What Now?

I'm going to pretend that you are my MM about 30 years ago. Bear with me.

 

MM, if you don't get counseling NOW, and figure yourself out NOW you will only go on living the life of a serial cheater. You will string one OW along after another, breaking every heart in your path and you will do all this behind your W's back. Yes, even though she knows and stands up for herself now she will probably take you back to start anew. She will give you another chance because she loves you and your children. You'll say five Hail Mary's and swear to never do it again.

 

But you will do it again because you didn't go to counseling. You didn't fix yourself or ask your W to fix herself, that is, if she has anything to fix. After you cheat again and end that affair you'll say five Hail Mary's...and swear to never do it again.

 

You might even fall in love with a future OW and try to leave for her. But since you never really got the help when you were younger and your W is now aging you'll feel too guilty to leave her now. Who will find her attractive? Who will take care of her? How will all her family members and yours look at you if you leave her this late in life? This late-in-life D is not for the yellow-bellied. Go ahead, say your five Hail Mary's and forget about this special OW.

 

Since you never got any REAL long-term counseling you will end up hurting your W again and again, you will also hurt your kids, many, many OWs along the way and your OW in the future including me, the one you really love, the ONE you've been looking for your whole life. You'll still be M, you'll still be unhappy and it will be TOO late to do anything about it because you'll be retired, settled, and too damn comfortable to be with the one you finally found to be your soulmate. The one you finally found true chemistry, an unexplainable chemistry with. The one, who with you, everyone comments on how special you look together, how happy they wish they could be as we are, how we glow. You might be 60 but you will feel like 16.

 

BFDFireFighter, if you think you can have this special thing with your wife, PLEASE get the counseling NOW and make it happen so that you never cheat again. Research Sex Addiction and read other books on affairs. YOU are the one that people here have the MOST concern about. You're sexy, you're fun, you're handsome and you're charming. But you are broken inside and you hurt the people who love you the most. You have a gift and you make people fall in love with you. Do YOURSELF the biggest favor of all and make YOU fall in love with yourself. Learn what you need, you can get it in counseling.

 

Please don't hurt women anymore. Do it for your daughter.

[bananalaffytaffy]

What now? I say you show her how much you love her and let her move on to someone who is mature enough to respect her, someone who is mature enough to be faithful and someone who can remember her name.

I agree. If you really love your wife, you would leave, let her heal, and then find someone worthy of her. Frankly, you never have been worthy, even before you married her.

 

Be kind and let her go.

[White Flower]

I agree. If you really love your wife, you would leave, let her heal, and then find someone worthy of her. Frankly, you never have been worthy, even before you married her.

 

Be kind and let her go.

If you can't love her the way she deserves then let her find someone who will love her not only loyally, but faithfully. The mother of your children deserves this. Don't be so selfish as to belileve you can be her all when you're being everybody else's all.

[bfdfirefighter]

I know I have problems and I am going to my own therapist and to couples therapy as well. I guess my question is how long is the grieving process? I know she will never forget but how long until we can move the affair form the driver's seat to the passamgers seat and work on our marriage? I guess my major problem is that I have been in a relationship my whole life, I am scared of being alone (as I am sure she is too). I think this and the emotional connection I had with the OW is making it that much difficult for me to move past OW and concentrate on my W. I guess there is not much glimer of hope for our marriage, I want there to be but I have to be realistic Ihave tortured this women, how will she every forgive me?

[DadofTwoGirls]

with Bent...let her move on and grieve in peace..you are not mature enuff to have a wife let alone with kids...it's one thing to have an affair because of neglect...but multiples mean 'not ready for marriage!'.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I know I have problems and I am going to my own therapist and to couples therapy as well. I guess my question is how long is the grieving process? I know she will never forget but how long until we can move the affair form the driver's seat to the passamgers seat and work on our marriage? I guess my major problem is that I have been in a relationship my whole life, I am scared of being alone (as I am sure she is too). I think this and the emotional connection I had with the OW is making it that much difficult for me to move past OW and concentrate on my W. I guess there is not much glimer of hope for our marriage, I want there to be but I have to be realistic Ihave tortured this women, how will she every forgive me?

 

You made alot of errors by writing what you just did! You got more than problems. The grieving process, for you or her!? You've been in a relationship for your whole life? WTF so are you saying you want to play the field?! What, so this emotional connection is more important than your wife??? WTF is you smoking mayn.

[White Flower]

You made alot of errors by writing what you just did! You got more than problems. The grieving process, for you or her!? You've been in a relationship for your whole life? WTF so are you saying you want to play the field?! What, so this emotional connection is more important than your wife??? WTF is you smoking mayn.

You make a strong point CB. What I am hearing from this poster is that he's afraid to be alone. Even for one minute.

 

If I could only tell you exMM's daily calendar. He goes from one thing to another, constantly dealing with people and rarely, RARELY ever alone.

 

Serial cheaters fear solitude. Get help for this OP.

[SarahRose]

I know I have problems and I am going to my own therapist and to couples therapy as well. I guess my question is how long is the grieving process? I know she will never forget but how long until we can move the affair form the driver's seat to the passamgers seat and work on our marriage? I guess my major problem is that I have been in a relationship my whole life, I am scared of being alone (as I am sure she is too). I think this and the emotional connection I had with the OW is making it that much difficult for me to move past OW and concentrate on my W. I guess there is not much glimer of hope for our marriage, I want there to be but I have to be realistic Ihave tortured this women, how will she every forgive me?

 

 

Why should she forgive you? You repeatedly spat in her face over and over.

 

Of course it is always someone else's fault for your unhappiness and cheating.

[Brokenlady]

Are you sure you're not confusing "love" with familiarity? You've been with your W since you were 18-ish, right? Do you even really know what real love feels like??? Honestly it sounds like you're holding onto your wife for all the wrong reasons. Think hard about this. please do not be so selfish as to hang on to your wife just because she's like that comfy old pair of sweatpants you can't seem to throw out. It's really selfish and unfair.

 

I get that you don't want to be alone, but that's not a good reason. How would you feel if your wife told you she stays with you bc she doesn't want to be alone? Your whole relationship has been splattered with cheating, and you should never have gotten married because it doesn't sound like you were remotely ready. I'm not sure that you can fix something that was completely illusory to begin with. All I can say is really examine how you actually feel about your wife and what your motivations are.

[CrayonAngel]

Let your W go. Let her find someone who treats her with respect, who loves and honors her as well as the children. You will only do harm (mentally) by staying. Go get your OW...anyone who willingly shags a MM deserves a man like you. You are a serial cheater. Get help now.

[bentnotbroken]

HMMM The fear of being alone or the prospect of catching something that you can't get rid of. The fear of being alone or being with a man who not only will cheat on you at the drop of a hat but will forget your name in the process. Hmmmmmm, you only hope she is afraid of being alone enough to stay with you.

[White Flower]

I know I have problems and I am going to my own therapist and to couples therapy as well. I guess my question is how long is the grieving process? I know she will never forget but how long until we can move the affair form the driver's seat to the passamgers seat and work on our marriage? I guess my major problem is that I have been in a relationship my whole life, I am scared of being alone (as I am sure she is too). I think this and the emotional connection I had with the OW is making it that much difficult for me to move past OW and concentrate on my W. I guess there is not much glimer of hope for our marriage, I want there to be but I have to be realistic Ihave tortured this women, how will she every forgive me?

bfdff,

 

You're making an assumption that your W is afraid of being alone. You need to look at the stats; most M's are initiated by women. Why? Because they are NOT afraid of being alone. Men are the scary cats, sorry. Also, men tend to look at D as a failure (which also adds to their fear), while women tend to look at D as a success (if she is kicking out a bad habit). So please do not bank on some idea that your W is afraid of being alone.

 

The time frame that you speak of is dependent on what your W wants and how much she believes in you. Are you ever going to cheat again? Can you be totally committed to her and her alone? Does she see right through your reasons to stay (fear, not love instead of fear plus love)? If and when she knows she can trust you, knows that you love her, that will help you answer your own question.

[GreenEyedLady]

Hi I am a 30yo man you had multiple affairs. I have been with my wife for 12 years, the last 6 we have been married. We have two awesome kids, a boy 1yr and a girl 3.5 . The first affair was in college with an older women prior to my wife and I being engaged. However before I aksed her to marry me I stopped it. I was mostly happy, I never even considered being with another women, I did however, have some concers which I never voiced - the lack of sex, however I think it was more a lack of attention / appreciation than the sex. Once my daighter was born I got no appreciation and I believe that drove me to have a couple of affairs in the past 3 years. I know and truly believe what I did was wrong and was the coward way out instead of fighting for what I needed from her instead of just getting it eslewhere. One of the girl became attached and eventually sent my wife a message on facebook tellling her about our affair. Once my wife learned of this, she said if there is anymore I want to know in the next 24hrs, so I decided to come clean, which I did. However the last girl I was having an affair currently was a co-worker and was more like a relationship and there was an emotional as well as a physical attachedment which I had / have trouble breaking. I tried mulitple times to stop communicating with this girl but I think I believed that all hope for my wife wanting me back and changing so I felt needed and appreciated was gone and I was holding on to someone that gave me that feeling. This girl and I never fooled around again but would communiate back and forth once in a while and finally stopped about a week and a half before my anniversary. My wife found out about it the day after our anniversary when she was snooping and was understandable pissed / hurt and upset. Since then we have had a tough time communicating because she doesnt trust me at all, but during that week of our anniversary before she found out I saw the women I married!! So the last straw came the other night when I went to my company party with my wife (the affair was not there) however, I was worried about her showing up but still wanted to go to show my wife that it wasnt a work problem, it was a problem with me. But I was introducing her to a co-worker and introduced her as the affairs name. She stormed out and then came back after she composed herself, then a day later kicked me out of the house so she could figure stuff out.

 

My quesiton is what now? We have and still are doing individual and couples counseling but is there hope? I know I have done some terrible and hurtfull things but I truly love my wife and didnt want to hurt her, I just wasnt getting what I needed in my marriage and took the coward way out. She is a terrific mother and I couldnt imagine anyone else being the mother of my kids.

 

So What Now?

 

What now?

 

You need to figure yourself out. I read your post and it's all over. You blame your W, you don't blame your W. You weren't appreciated but what you did was wrong. Do you really think what you did was wrong or are you just sorry you got caught?

 

You hurt your W. You hurt your OW's. And you hurt yourself, whether you realize it or not. You need to get at the root of why you cheat and hurt women.

 

I know how your line of work is. I know how difficult it can be in the day-to-day. I know all about the sense of entitlement and hero worship you encounter on a daily basis and how it affects a R.

 

I don't see that you actually want to change, but that you just want things to blow over and go back to normal. I'm glad your W kicked your a** out; you deserved it. If you want to be a good parent and a good spouse you need to realize what is important and what's not important and show them that they are the priority, not you.

 

If you can't do that, let your W go. She deserves someone who will do whatever it takes for her. Not someone who plays the victim when the jig is up.

 

Be the man she thinks she married.

 

GEL

[White Flower]

Be the man she thinks she married.

 

GEL

Because THAT is what a real hero is...

 

But if you don't love her, go fix yourself. Then you'll be a real hero for setting her free to be loved by someone who is up to the job.

[Dexter Morgan]

My quesiton is what now? We have and still are doing individual and couples counseling but is there hope?

 

even though women are more forgiving, in my opinion, multiple affairs???? is there hope? I wouldn't think so.

 

You think you could completely block out of your mind if your wife went out and pleasured herself with multiple men? I highly doubt it

 

But if she decides to stay with her, and honestly I hope she doesn't, then you need to realize, even if things seem fine on the surface after time goes by, don't fool yourself into thinking that she has forgotten, SHE WILL NEVER FORGET. And she will think about you sticking it to all those women from time to time and will nonchalantly stare daggers at you.

 

in other words, if you stay together, then once in a blue moon....you will be s##t in her eyes, even if just for a few minutes on a rare occasion.

[silverfish]

Hmm...familiar! My Dad did your job and had multiple affairs...

 

He left my Mum when I was 8, but it would have been much better if he'd gone before that TBH. If he could give you some advice, I think he'd tell you to stay away...get some counselling or whatever... give your kids 100% of your attention when you see them, and leave your W to find someone else who loves her.

 

At least then your children might grow up to respect you. You're doing a lot of damage to your kids at the moment...even if they don't 'see' everything they know and feel that something is wrong. You're hurting their mother, and that hurts them...SHE will get over it, but they won't so easily (I know from experience).

 

Let's face it...you won't stop cheating on your W, you're just going to keep on doing it. Be honest with yourself, spare everyone the drama and learn to stand on your own.

Edited May 13, 2010 by silverfish

[Dexter Morgan]

But if she decides to stay with her

 

correction, meant to type if she decides to stay with "you"

[whatcanidonow2]

If you really love her, then I agree with most other replies that you should let her go & find someone who will treat her well. You can't treat her how she needs to be treated. Maybe you could last a year or two, but you'd be back to the same behaviour sooner or later.

 

If you don't really love her, move on anyway to someone like yourself.

 

DO THE RIGHT THING. You know what it is.

[John Who]

Letting her go is easier said than done,get help find out why you cheated multiple times go to sex counselling,maybe if it is possible find another job away from your XAP.

 

Your W will not trust you for ALONG time,you must be patient with her,because you did this to yourself you broke her trust she had in you,however long it takes for her to trust you again you must accept that,it is possible for her to trust you again if you can prove that you want the M to work.Her trust will not happen over night and you will not change over night it is a process,but it can be done if you put 100% into it.

 

If you do not want to let her go and you love her want to spent the rest of your life with her you need to give up the idea that going off and having A's is ok,because it is not,when you have a problem in your M such as sex,lack of communication,emotional needs etc,YOU NEED to talk about this to your W,what alot of us do even myself we stay quiet and we end up finding it with someone else and that is WRONG it does not fix the problem at home,you need to learn to communicate better with your W if you ever want a successful marriage,if you were feeling rejected unappreciated chances are she was feeling the same way, it is not just you in the M it was her as well,what about her needs,feelings etc you forgot about those,if your M works you need to remember her feelings and what is good for both you and her and not just yourself.

 

Goodluck.