He won't discuss past relationships and it's stirring up my green-eyed monster!

[Snakebite]

I'm 28 and I've been with my boyfriend (30) for 6 months or so. All my life I've struggled with severe jealousy/envy/insecurity issues especially regarding my looks and weight. While I'm confident my bf is not a cheater, I know he's had sex with girls who are much younger than me (17,18, 19) and have managed to drag it out of him that one of his past gf's was a dominatrix who was awesome in bed. I'm the sort of person who needs to know every little gory detail about past relationships and sex partners in order to help stabilise myself other wise my self doubt and assumptions get the better of me - and when I'm like this, I'm horrid, nasty, suspicious, cruel, self-sabotaging and stalkerish. I prefer to know what my competition is and what standards these girls have set in the past, how he felt about them and how they compare to me. But getting the truth out of him is like trying to sprint through fast-dry cement! He just will not cough up and has said ''Notice how I never bring up past relationships?'' Yeah, no s**t!

 

Is this more of a guy thing because I've noticed that other guys I've been with are hesitant to discuss these kind of issues. WHY????? Can someone please explain in detail? He's not helping me despite what he may think and he's making my issues worse! How can I get the truth out of him?? I need to know.

 

Thanks.

[Rorschach]

It's really none of your business, his past relationships and partners are really none of your concern. It's your own fault that your so insecure, not his, and people aren't helping you by enabling your insecurities.

 

If you ask me he's doing the right thing, simply giving into your 'need to know' isn't helping you get any more self secure or feel any better about yourself, the only way thats going to happen is if you confront those feelings head on, something you CANT do if you feel you know everything.

 

Its basically an unwritten relationship law that its everybody's god given right not to go and air all their dirty laundry at the SO's request.

 

He's really not doing anything wrong here.

[phineas]

It's not more of a guy thing on his part.

It's more of a crazy thing on your part.

 

I seriously doubt learning every detail about his past sex life will end the crazy.

 

Why do people feel the need to bring a past relationship score-card into the mix?

 

I personally don't care. Unless he's one of your guy friends & you didn't tell me.

[carhill]

I'd probably get help with the psychology of all this. Sounds over-reaching to me.

 

Every man is different. Some disclose (I do); some don't (he doesn't). FWIW, I'd probably not respond positively to interrogatories regarding my sexual history, even though it's quite pedestrian. It's the 'tone' that would bother me.

 

If his style does not match up with your current style, then you're incompatible. Next

[Bejita463]

I'm the sort of person who needs to know every little gory detail about past relationships and sex partners

 

No. You don't. It is not your business unless he chooses to allow it to be, just as your sexual history is not his business either. Jealous tendencies reinforce rather than diminish this.

[monkey5]

His past relationships are absolutely none of your business, and if his earlier conquests are that much of a threat to you, then you obviously aren't good enough for him.

 

Honestly, you should seek professional help. You sound like a complete nut-job. Abusing and manipulating your partner is NOT okay and neither is seeking validation through his earlier girlfriends.

[SilentVoice]

I am a women and can tell you it is not a guy thing. what you need to do is get out of this relationship and get yourself some help. you may think that him telling you his business may help your anxiety .. it may For a short period of time but you will only get worse....you need to get help.... you are not ready for a relationship.

[hotandsexy3246]

His past is none of your business...If he wants to share that is one thing..If he doesn't that is another..If I had issues like you I would have serious problems as my husband works around a bunch of women..I am also very very attractive and get hit on all the time..I am 5'7" 130lbs...so we would be sol if he had the issues that you have..

[SomewhatExperienced]

I 100% do not want to hear about the ex boyfriends that whatever girl I'm seeing/with has had. As such, I make it a point to NEVER bring up my ex's. If your boyfriend knows how insecure and jealous you are than he's deliberately not telling because he knows doing so will make you more messed up.

 

I think he's right.

[Eeyore79]

You feel insecure, so you basically want him to tell you his exes weren't as good as you, so you feel better. When he admit that his exes were actually quite attractive and good in bed, you get more insecure and jealous, because you feel like second best.

 

What you are failing to realise is that exes are exes for a reason. His exes are not your competition, because they're not even in his life any more, and you are - you've already won in that respect. People are complete packages; his exes might have been good in some ways but unbearable in others, hence why they broke up. He may love you far more than he ever loved them, you may be right for him in far more ways than they were, but you can't see that because you're so focused on things like what he did with them sexually.

 

I once dated a guy I was totally in love with, but he wasn't great in bed. Later on I dated a second guy who was amazing in bed, but I was never in love with him. After that I dated a third guy who was more handsome than anyone else I've ever seen in my entire life, but I was never tuly in love with him either. Years later, I still think fondly of the first guy and never waste a minute thinking of the second or third guys, despite them being better looking and better in bed. Such details have little to do with your true feelings about a person; your boyfriend may love you more, regardless of what his exes were like.

 

You need to work on your own self esteem, and stop asking your boyfriend to validate you by telling you that you're better than his exes. Whatever they were like, you need to have enough self belief to know that you're better for him.

[Ronni_W]

No, it's not a "guy thing" to withhold information about prior love and sexual relationships...it's a wise thing. And his exes are not your "competition".

other wise my self doubt and assumptions get the better of me - and when I'm like this, I'm horrid, nasty, suspicious, cruel, self-sabotaging and stalkerish.

You're 28. Long past time to take charge of your own self-esteem and confidence, and also to hold yourself accountable for your own suspicious (toxic) thoughts and manipulative (toxic) ways of being and doing when your insecurities arise.

 

I agree with those who have suggested to hire professional help to work through your issues once and for all, so that they do not poison your future relationships. It's not your partner's job or responsibility to help you resolve problems of this nature.

 

Best of luck.

[ADF]

You may feel you "need" to know every detail of his sexual past, but you have no right to know. No right whatsoever. The problem here is you, not him. What are you, an interrogator? Knock it off. Stop trying to force information out of him. If you don't, you'll lose him to someone more emotionally stable, sooner rather than later.

[Peitho]

If this is only a casual relationship, than I agree with other posters – you don’t need to know.

 

But if this has a potential to become serious, how on earth can you build future with someone whose past you don’t know?

 

I know I wouldn’t be able to get serious with someone who is so secretive about his past. How would you know if you are compatible if you don’t know him at all?

 

Of course, you should not make all your decisions just based on his past, but not knowing his past sounds crazy to me.

 

Having said that, his exes are NOT your competition

[SilentVoice]

If this is only a casual relationship, than I agree with other posters – you don’t need to know.

 

But if this has a potential to become serious, how on earth can you build future with someone whose past you don’t know?

 

I know I wouldn’t be able to get serious with someone who is so secretive about his past. How would you know if you are compatible if you don’t know him at all?

 

Of course, you should not make all your decisions just based on his past, but not knowing his past sounds crazy to me.

 

Having said that, his exes are NOT your competition

 

what does knowing help?why do you need to know someones sexual adventures to have an relationship with them?

[Ronni_W]

How would you know if you are compatible if you don’t know him at all?

My understanding is that it's more about his sexual past, and how Snakebite "compares" to his past sexual partners. I think there is really only one way to find out about sexual compatibility...and it ain't listening to stories about past sexcapades

 

I agree, though, that one needs to know about important prior life experiences that helped to shape who the person is today but, IMO, equal or greater weight ought also be given to the person's current-day goals, desires, needs, preferences, dislikes, beliefs, views, habits, sexual tastes and fantasies, etc.

[jenifer1972]

There have been a couple of really good threads on this topic in the last couple of weeks, one called 'can't get over my wife's past' or something like that. This issue is discussed in detail there.

 

One person mentioned that the problem here is something called 'retrospective jealousy' and that was really enlightening. I mentioned on that thread that I think this is an issue that comes up when two people have very different 'numbers'..one high, and 'exciting' the other lower numbers and more vanilla. That can really set this off. You can plug in my name and probably find it that way. (I don't know how to link posts)

 

People who don't have this issue and don't struggle with this very quickly say it's none of your business, past is past, but that doesn't help one bit. In fact, I think it wise to know some details about how your lover has conducted him or herself in past relationships. Tells you a lot about what to expect from them.

 

I had a long discussion with my ex-playboy husband last week and I found it helpful. Often it is what you don't know, and imagine, that is worse than the reality. Some discussion takes it out of the 'secret little treasure box'. However, the other partner has to be willing, and it doesn't sound like yours is. And that may become real mental torture for you. Google 'retrospective jealousy'. It might help you get some insights to help with this.