Nikki Sahagin Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Towards the end of mine and my exes relationship (of a year now) he flirted ENDLESSLY with other women online. I only found out about what I consider to be his emotional cheating when I snooped. He would compliment these girls, use the pet names he called me, be attention and ass-kissy with them, compliment their faces/bodies etc, all the while ignoring me and making me feel like gum he walked over rather than somebody special or beautiful. My self-esteem slowly started to go down and down. I loved him and remembered the kind, caring guy I met who made me feel so special and beautiful. I was afraid to walk away from that and as I had such low self-esteem anyway, I allowed him to treat me this way, hoping if I could just be patient and loving, he would change back. I am much stronger now in myself and hope that I will never let a man walk on me again. I hope in the future, it will take much less for me to know when to say enough is enough and walk away, no matter how strong my feelings. Nonetheless, I am kind of haunted by his behaviour and by these girls. Of course I have nothing personally against these girls although some of them knew he was in a relationship, if not all. But the beautiful/attractive girls haunt me (not all of them were). I found myself comparing myself to them and feeling inadequate because THEY were the girls he was obsessing over instead of me. One girl in particular, was truly out of this world stunning, so naturally...I felt like absolute ****. By comparison, I felt plain looking and it really effected myself esteem. I suppose I believe, that any future boyfriends will eventually leave me because I am not STUNNING, I know I am pretty and with make-up can be beautiful, but so are almost all girls, and I will never be that striking, exotic model girl. Even when I am feeling good about my appearance, I know there are many better looking girls. I know its not all about looks but 'supposedly' that is mans main motivation. Once I was the most beautiful girl in the world to him; with makeup, without makeup, in a tracksuit, now he has forgotten me and thinks EVERY girl is beautiful and that really hurts. I know love goes beyond appearances, but I guess I am still affected by his flirting and by the feeling that I wasn't 'pretty' enough, so he gave me up to find prettier girls.
sedgwick Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I totally know how you feel, except I'm on kind of the opposite end of it. I'm one of the "exotic" looking women and I feel jealous of the plain ones. Joe's girlfriends before me were always very skinny (like, the kind of skinny where they have no boobs) and very plain-looking. The one right before me was actually kind of homely, to the point that I wondered what he was doing with her when he's so sexy. Now I'm totally jealous of her and wish I looked more like her. I'm covered in tattoos, have dreadlocks to my waist, am a bellydancer and as such frequently dressed in glittery sparkly things, and have big boobs. I have big Angelina Jolie lips (not that anything else about me looks like her, but my lips do) and a huge smile. I feel like everything about me is, in fact, BIG, and kind of over-the-top, and what he prefers are plain mousy girls in calico dresses who play fiddles and banjos. I find myself getting really, really jealous of girls like that. I want a flat, skinny body instead of a curvy one (even though he used to tell me he loved having a gf with T&A, I now know that pretty much everything he said was a lie.) I want to be plain and unassuming, not the kind of girl people stop on the street 50 times a day to ask questions or take pictures. I just feel like this showgirl freak compared to the other women he's been with.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 I totally know how you feel, except I'm on kind of the opposite end of it. I'm one of the "exotic" looking women and I feel jealous of the plain ones. Joe's girlfriends before me were always very skinny (like, the kind of skinny where they have no boobs) and very plain-looking. The one right before me was actually kind of homely, to the point that I wondered what he was doing with her when he's so sexy. Now I'm totally jealous of her and wish I looked more like her. I'm covered in tattoos, have dreadlocks to my waist, am a bellydancer and as such frequently dressed in glittery sparkly things, and have big boobs. I have big Angelina Jolie lips (not that anything else about me looks like her, but my lips do) and a huge smile. I feel like everything about me is, in fact, BIG, and kind of over-the-top, and what he prefers are plain mousy girls in calico dresses who play fiddles and banjos. I find myself getting really, really jealous of girls like that. I want a flat, skinny body instead of a curvy one (even though he used to tell me he loved having a gf with T&A, I now know that pretty much everything he said was a lie.) I want to be plain and unassuming, not the kind of girl people stop on the street 50 times a day to ask questions or take pictures. I just feel like this showgirl freak compared to the other women he's been with. Your post proves we always are drawn to what we aren't. You should be proud that you ARE exotic and over-the top; he will never forget you for it. You sound very interesting and unique. I think you are only jealous of these girls because they are 'his' type, otherwise I don't think you would feel envious of these girls. I think our exes perceptions become ours. If they find a woman attractive, we see it, believe she is better and feel threatened by that. But remember, you were ALSO his type.
jv032889 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I can also relate. In my case, my ex told me I wasn't her type. How am I not her type when we spent four years together? I happen to be mexican american and the women she tends to follow are african american. I find myself looking at these women and trying to fiqure out what I can do to look more like them. In reality, I'm fine the way I am. I'm not ugly nor am I gorgeous. I am me. I have an awesome personality, independent and I'm caring. In the end she will be the one left alone...
Fouts Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Do the best with what you have and be confident about it. There's always going to be someone who has a cuter face or better body, but if you bring alot to the table, you'll always get plenty of attention and have more than enough prospective men to choose from. Plus, the great thing is beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
sedgwick Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I happen to be mexican american I'm a gringa living in Mexico right now, and I can tell you that I am surrounded by hot Mexican women every day!!! Y'all are foxy!
jv032889 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I'm a gringa living in Mexico right now, and I can tell you that I am surrounded by hot Mexican women every day!!! Y'all are foxy! Your post made me smile. I deff. needed that. I'm making myself believe everything will be okay. Sooner or later it will...
D-Lish Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 NS, Don't internalize your ex's deficiencies as your own short-comings. He's the one with the problem, and it has nothing to do with you. He could date a brainy super-model, he'll always feel the need for outside gratification from the opposite sex. Confident people don't seek this kind of attention- insecure people do. Your only mistake was trusting him, beyong that, this isn't about you. Don't judge your own self worth based upon the actions of a guy that can't even pass for a decent human being.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 NS, Don't internalize your ex's deficiencies as your own short-comings. He's the one with the problem, and it has nothing to do with you. He could date a brainy super-model, he'll always feel the need for outside gratification from the opposite sex. Confident people don't seek this kind of attention- insecure people do. Your only mistake was trusting him, beyong that, this isn't about you. Don't judge your own self worth based upon the actions of a guy that can't even pass for a decent human being. Thankyou for this. You are right - they were my exes deficiencies. I just sometimes wonder why I wasn't 'enough.' Thankyou for taking the time to reply - puts things into perspective.
CaliGuy Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Your thoughts shouldn't be "Why wasn't I enough?" and instead replace it with "Thankfully I am not with someone like him/her." The point is simply that people who do not make you the priority in their life do not deserve a relationship with you. The RIGHT person for you will make you the center of their life without smothering you in the process. In addition, they will never be looking around the corner for the "next best thing". In their life you WILL be the best thing.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Your thoughts shouldn't be "Why wasn't I enough?" and instead replace it with "Thankfully I am not with someone like him/her." The point is simply that people who do not make you the priority in their life do not deserve a relationship with you. The RIGHT person for you will make you the center of their life without smothering you in the process. In addition, they will never be looking around the corner for the "next best thing". In their life you WILL be the best thing. Thankyou CaliGuy Easy to feel sorry for yourself sometimes, but yes...I am better than that.
Weird Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Your ex sounds like a douche and sadly he seems to be more of the norm these days. Sounds like it is a good thing you and him are not together and don't let another person like that lower your self-esteem. I know that is easier said than done but you have to know you're better than that
CaliGuy Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Thankyou CaliGuy Easy to feel sorry for yourself sometimes, but yes...I am better than that. So kick it in gear! You can sit around and mope or you can pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on with life. Look I was in that same position and it wasn't until I started caring about MYSELF did I actually move on. Life is a little tougher now since I had that injury back in Feb (hair hasn't grown back yet, lol!) but I don't think it's impossible. And besides, if I never meet "Ms Right" I'll be just fine, regardless of the outcome. Life doesn't revolve around relationships or their success or failure!
VideoKid Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 This sounds exactly like my ex. He always told me that I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever been with (he was right, his past girls were all somewhat below average looking) but he always used to put me down about my weight CONSTANTLY. It got to the point where I stayed with him because I thought I was too fat for anyone else. In the end he left me because he was only attracted to my face and not my "chunky" body, he wanted a girl with skinnier legs. I've always been VERY confident but my self esteem was in tatters afterwards, I thought I'd never find anyone else as I was "too fat" despite all my friends telling me I wasn't. I finally got the guts to look at myself properly in a full length mirror in the ladies toilets a couple of days ago and I was shocked. I'd had this horrible image of myself that I was disgustingly obese when I wasn't - infact I looked quite skinny, I'm only a UK 12! I think my ex knew what he was doing, he wasn't as confident as me and knew the one thing that would bring me down. I'm better of without him and so are you - don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not beautiful or unattractive somehow. Whilst one man's putting you down there's one ready to tell you how stunning you are.
D-Lish Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Thankyou for this. You are right - they were my exes deficiencies. I just sometimes wonder why I wasn't 'enough.' Thankyou for taking the time to reply - puts things into perspective. You are more than enough. As I said, this is about him and his deeper issues. He's always going to act this way no matter who he dates. The fact that he needs constant gratification from multiple sources really is indicative of his own troubled ego. He wasn't good enough for you, he didn't deserve you- that's what is real here. That's what you need to keep telling yourself everytime the doubt creeps up on you. There is nothing you could have "been or done" to change who he is. He is broken, not you.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Thanks for all the kind words guys. It puts into perspective how easy it can be to take on other peoples issues. I know I have my own but it isn't my fault if I had a boyfriend who had to get his kicks from other girls and I am better off without that kind of thing dragging me down.
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