Why does she claim no responsibility?

[silktricks]

We've all seen this, I'm sure, but here's the scenario.

 

Two people work together. They are friendly. He's married, she's not. She is very attentive to him. She goes out of her way to sit either next to or across from him in meetings. She always laughs at his jokes. Always seems to end up in line with him for coffee. Pretty soon he offers to get her coffee when he goes - and vice versa. She asks him along when going for coffee, then he does as well.

 

She commiserates with him whenever anything doesn't go "his" way. If he does say something - anything - even slightly negative about his wife, she's all over it. Pointing out how she'd "never do anything like that".

 

Pretty soon he seems to be feeling pretty special when she's around. Feels like no one understands him quite like she does. They talk more - and more... pretty soon they are in an EA which possibly then graduates to a PA.

 

When the fur hits the fan, he realizes that she's really not all that special to him - his wife is. Then... she claims victimhood. It's supposedly all HIS fault - and after all he was the married person. He was the one who broke his vows. She was just an innocent victim. Forget the fact that it NEVER would have happened if she hadn't initiated most everything.

 

Why does the OW (whether EA or PA) claim to be a victim? Why is she so often seemingly desirous of being considered a victim?

 

I chose this scenario, because that's what we talk about here - but really it could be ANY scenario between people. Why is our nation (I blithely assume it's more endemic to the US than elsewhere) so full of people who want to consider themselves victims instead of looking at what THEY have done to create the situation they find themselves in? Maybe I'm just more bummed out than usual today, but I find myself fairly fed-up with this victim mentality.

[Snowflower]

In a nutshell, because MOST people who get involved in affairs (whether they are the MP, OW, OM, MW, MM, whatever) have trouble accepting responsibility for their actions.

 

It's always someone else's fault...'my spouse doesn't pay attention to me' or 'I didn't make the vows to the BS, it's the WS who is breaking their vows' or 'Well, if his wife would have had sex with him more often, then he wouldn't be with me.' All examples of avoiding responsibility!

 

IMO, after my crash course in affairs, people who take responsibility for their actions-good or bad- tend not have affairs. Those who tend to play the victim card often involve themselves in hurtful situations at the expense of others, in this case, EMA's.

 

And in the somewhat rare case where the WS/MP/OP shows true remorse and stops the affair before being caught...well, then perhaps those are the type who are at least willing to take responsibility for their bad decision.

 

It's about being accountable and responsible for one's own decisions.

[ConflictedGuy27]

That play-by-play illustrating how As among coworkers happen was very detailed. That's how my ex wife did it.

 

To your point, I believe that the burden to be and remain faithful will always rest with the individual(s) that made the vows.

 

The reason is, and I'll use your illustration as an example, the MM could have clarified at any point in the progression that he's happily married and share with his coworker that his W wouldn't appreciate where their R is headed.

 

All it takes is ONE to shut it down; which is why I place sole blame on the married partner. Married people are human, so naturally they'll be tempted by the other sex (married or not...). It's up to the married party to monitor for threats to the M and shut them down, period.

 

I dont care how sexy or flattering the OM/OW is, if you pledged tone faithful & build a future with your spouse, then the OW/OM was too little too late.

 

Although both spouses may contribute to a crappy M, the WS is 100% responsible for an affair.

 

WS = 100% at fault

OM/OW = 0% at fault

 

I guess they claim none cause there is none.

If I called the guy my ex wife was sleeping with and said, "Hey man, WTF!!??" and he replied "not my fault... She jumped into my bed willingly..." I really couldn't disagree with his rationale. Is it messed up, yes. Is it his fault, nope.

Edited May 11, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27

[carhill]

Having experienced this in different ways, I can opine the feelings are completely different when becoming infatuated and even 'falling for' someone who one believes to be single (no ring, no talk of 'us', no mention of spouse, etc) and the same circumstances with someone one knows to be married. It 'feels' different. Regardless, in either case, there was no victim, merely two misguided people, IMO.

 

IMO, claiming victim in such circumstance is a form of rationalization. I felt 'taken advantage of' by the married person who hid that fact from me, but ultimately I was responsible for my own feelings, words and actions.

[Snowflower]

 

WS = 100% at fault

OM/OW = 0% at fault

 

I guess they claim none cause there is none.

If I called the guy my ex wife was sleeping with and said, "Hey man, WTF!!??" and he replied "not my fault... She jumped into my bed willingly..." I really couldn't disagree with his rationale. Is it messed up, yes. Is it his fault, nope.

 

I think you will have most AP's cheering you on with this post! Of course none of it is THEIR fault!

 

I agree with the fact that the WS is at fault in betraying their spouse...but it wasn't like the AP was some innocent victim in all this either--they made the choice to become involved with a MP. And I think this is what SK is talking about here. It's not necessarily the impact on the BS...it is the crying foul when then the A ends-as many of these relationships do-is again, abdicating their own responsibility in the situation.

Edited May 11, 2010 by Snowflower

[bentnotbroken]

That play-by-play illustrating how As among coworkers happen was very detailed. That's how my ex wife did it.

 

To your point, I believe that the burden to be and remain faithful will always rest with the individual(s) that made the vows.

 

The reason is, and I'll use your illustration as an example, the MM could have clarified at any point in the progression that he's happily married and share with his coworker that his W wouldn't appreciate where their R is headed.

 

All it takes is ONE to shut it down; which is why I place sole blame on the married partner. Married people are human, so naturally they'll be tempted by the other sex (married or not...). It's up to the married party to monitor for threats to the M and shut them down, period.

 

I dont care how sexy or flattering the OM/OW is, if you pledged tone faithful & build a future with your spouse, then the OW/OM was too little too late.

 

Although both spouses may contribute to a crappy M, the WS is 100% responsible for an affair.

 

WS = 100% at fault

OM/OW = 0% at fault

 

I guess they claim none cause there is none.

If I called the guy my ex wife was sleeping with and said, "Hey man, WTF!!??" and he replied "not my fault... She jumped into my bed willingly..." I really couldn't disagree with his rationale. Is it messed up, yes. Is it his fault, nope.

 

 

He would be absolutely right that she would have gotten into his bed willingly....then he is absolutely wrong for climbing in with her knowing she is married. Mr. Messy was the one doing the pursueing. He was on the hunt. He is the one who invited OW into our lives. 100% on him.

 

Then there is the OW in our situation. She allowed the pursuit, knowing she and he were married. She didn't shut him down, tell her BS or me. She was hunted.....to a point then she became part of the Messy's (to keep from saying what I want) mess. She accepted the invitation to come into our lives the same as he accepted the invitation into their lives and family. 100% on her.

 

WS= 100%

AP-100%

 

Just because there is an invitation, doesn't make it right to accept it. Have some morals about yourself to say no I will not be a party to hurting another.

[bentnotbroken]

I think you will have most AP's cheering you on with this post! Of course none of it is THEIR fault!

 

I agree with the fact that the WS is at fault in betraying their spouse...but it wasn't like the AP was some innocent victim in all this either--they made the choice to become involved with a MP. And I think this is what SK is talking about here. It's not necessarily the impact on the BS...it is the crying foul when then the A ends-as many of these relationships do-is again, abdicating their own responsibility in the situation.

 

 

This is what I think when I hear about the many women of Tiger Woods claiming victim hood and suing as if they are owed something for them being an AP. Those suing must have bar code in the place of a vagina.

[silktricks]

...it is the crying foul when then the A ends-as many of these relationships do-is again, abdicating their own responsibility in the situation.

Exactly! Of course the MP is responsible for what he/she did... But SO IS THE OW/OM FOR WHAT THEY DID! They are NOT victims, but continually on here I see them touting themselves as such. OM not so much unless the MW represented herself as single, but even there, once the jig is up and the true situation comes to light - if they make the choice to stay, well then it's their choice. No fair claiming victim status when they made a conscience choice.

[Chrome Barracuda]

A weak azz personal will always pass the buck and not take any blame for their actions a person worth their mettle will stand up and own it.

 

Simple as that... but in real life no one wants to admit they are wrong.

[OWoman]

Why does the OW (whether EA or PA) claim to be a victim? Why is she so often seemingly desirous of being considered a victim?

 

I chose this scenario, because that's what we talk about here - but really it could be ANY scenario between people. Why is our nation (I blithely assume it's more endemic to the US than elsewhere) so full of people who want to consider themselves victims instead of looking at what THEY have done to create the situation they find themselves in?

 

I'm not American, so perhaps this thread isn't supposed to apply to me but I have never painted myself as a victim in any of my As. I wanted them, I sought them, I got them. I was in complete control throughout - but, at the same time, I ensured from the word go that the MMs were making informed choices, as fully up to speed on potential consequences as it was possible to be. They were as willing as I was, or nothing would have happened.

 

That said, while I accept my responsibility for the R, I do not accept any blame for anything that may or may not have happened in, or to, their M as a result. Their M was entirely THEIR business, THEIR responsibility and THEIR problem (together with their W, obviously). If they had made any promises or vows to their W that they then chose to break - that was THEIR call, not mine. If they chose to tell her or not tell her about the A - that was THEIR call, not mine. How they chose to play their home life was none of my business, just as my home life was none of theirs.

[Star727]

My WH's OW claimed victim when I confronted her about her relationship with him. She says he called her all the time. Looking at the cell phone detail billing, she was right. He would call her cell, house and work phone in succession. They were all 1 min calls. Then an hour later he would repeat the calls and so on and so on until she finally either answers the phone or would call him back and they would talk for many minutes.

 

I told her that if she didnt want to be bothered with him to tell him that, but don't act like you are the injured party. I further told her that she chose to answer when he calls and she chooses to call him back and she chooses to let him in her house when he comes by.

 

That is not a victim. Thats a willing accomplice.

[Spark1111]

We've all seen this, I'm sure, but here's the scenario.

 

Two people work together. They are friendly. He's married, she's not. She is very attentive to him. She goes out of her way to sit either next to or across from him in meetings. She always laughs at his jokes. Always seems to end up in line with him for coffee. Pretty soon he offers to get her coffee when he goes - and vice versa. She asks him along when going for coffee, then he does as well.

 

She commiserates with him whenever anything doesn't go "his" way. If he does say something - anything - even slightly negative about his wife, she's all over it. Pointing out how she'd "never do anything like that".

 

Pretty soon he seems to be feeling pretty special when she's around. Feels like no one understands him quite like she does. They talk more - and more... pretty soon they are in an EA which possibly then graduates to a PA.

 

When the fur hits the fan, he realizes that she's really not all that special to him - his wife is. Then... she claims victimhood. It's supposedly all HIS fault - and after all he was the married person. He was the one who broke his vows. She was just an innocent victim. Forget the fact that it NEVER would have happened if she hadn't initiated most everything.

 

Why does the OW (whether EA or PA) claim to be a victim? Why is she so often seemingly desirous of being considered a victim?

 

I chose this scenario, because that's what we talk about here - but really it could be ANY scenario between people. Why is our nation (I blithely assume it's more endemic to the US than elsewhere) so full of people who want to consider themselves victims instead of looking at what THEY have done to create the situation they find themselves in? Maybe I'm just more bummed out than usual today, but I find myself fairly fed-up with this victim mentality.

 

Silk, have you been talking with my OW?

 

Dontcha know affairs just happen?

 

He pursues, she responds, it's nobody's fault? Except the BS's?

 

We CHOOSE to believe what we WANT to believe when the end justifies the means, no matter what the scenario is.

 

As long as we can rationalize our actions, and crying victimization is certainly one way to do this, we can justify our actions and remain blameless in the pain we cause others.

 

See? It protects the psyche of the immature, the less confident, those with weak boundaries and the self-entitled. It works.

 

Because if you stopped for one minute in the seduction scenario, and examined WHY you were allowing yourself to emotionally respond to someone already in a committed relationship with another, well.....I personally would need to go home and shower.

[Snowflower]

A weak azz personal will always pass the buck and not take any blame for their actions a person worth their mettle will stand up and own it.

 

Yup, this is it in a nutshell.

 

Again, IMO people who take responsibility for their actions and decisions usually don't have affairs. And if these types of people somehow 'slip up' and have an affair, they are remorseful and take the responsibility for their poor judgment in having an affair in the first place.

 

No 'blaming' their spouse their choice or the AP for 'pursing' them or whatever. These types of WS take the blame for their part in the A.

 

I think there are SOME former OW/OM who do this as well. They realize what a bad choice it was to become involved with a MP and own their responsibility for their part in the A. They are not blaming their MP for breaking up with them or the BS for trying to keep the marriage. Some APs realize what they did was wrong and they only have themselves to blame.

 

Simple as that... but in real life no one wants to admit they are wrong.

 

I think some (many?) people are able to do this...or maybe I am just being overly-optimistic.

[MadMission]

No one is arguing that the WS is 100% responsible for his choice to engage in an A.

 

But, the OW/OM is also 100% responsible for THEIR choice to engage in an A with a MM/MW.

 

They willfully choose to disrespect and hurt the BS. Sure, they have no 'comittment' or vows to the BS, but I am talking about basic decency in having some regard for another person...no matter who they are.

The OW/OM knows EXACTLY what they are doing and that they are willfully participating in something which is detramental to the M...and that THEY are HURTING another person, the BS, in doing so. They ARE 100% responsible for that. It's their own part in it...their's alone...which cannot be blameshifted to the MM/MW.

 

When an OW/OM claims THEY are not the ones who had the vows, as if that, in and of itself, relieves them of all responsibility to treat people, anyone, with decency and respect...well, there is something very disturbing about that way of thinking.

 

Imagine what the world would be like if people only treated others with decency, respect, and consideration ONLY when VOWS were in place.

Wow, it would be a very ugly world.

 

Forunately, there are MANY people who recognize when their choices, behaviors, and actions could be hurtful... and choose to avoid going that route...not because there are vows in place, but because they wouldn't dream of either actively or passively, overtly or covertly, hurting someone or messing with someone's life in a remote way.

[lilagirl]

We've all seen this, I'm sure, but here's the scenario.

 

Two people work together. They are friendly. He's married, she's not. She is very attentive to him. She goes out of her way to sit either next to or across from him in meetings. She always laughs at his jokes. Always seems to end up in line with him for coffee. Pretty soon he offers to get her coffee when he goes - and vice versa. She asks him along when going for coffee, then he does as well.

 

She commiserates with him whenever anything doesn't go "his" way. If he does say something - anything - even slightly negative about his wife, she's all over it. Pointing out how she'd "never do anything like that".

 

Pretty soon he seems to be feeling pretty special when she's around. Feels like no one understands him quite like she does. They talk more - and more... pretty soon they are in an EA which possibly then graduates to a PA.

 

When the fur hits the fan, he realizes that she's really not all that special to him - his wife is. Then... she claims victimhood. It's supposedly all HIS fault - and after all he was the married person. He was the one who broke his vows. She was just an innocent victim. Forget the fact that it NEVER would have happened if she hadn't initiated most everything.

 

Why does the OW (whether EA or PA) claim to be a victim? Why is she so often seemingly desirous of being considered a victim?

 

I chose this scenario, because that's what we talk about here - but really it could be ANY scenario between people. Why is our nation (I blithely assume it's more endemic to the US than elsewhere) so full of people who want to consider themselves victims instead of looking at what THEY have done to create the situation they find themselves in? Maybe I'm just more bummed out than usual today, but I find myself fairly fed-up with this victim mentality.

 

You chose a scenario that ensures the OW is at fault. She is the pursuer, she is the one who entices the H with her flirtations and gets him to a point where he has no choice but to begin the EA. In your heads, you believe that all OW are slutty girls, waiting to prey on men who are seaminly weak in their marriages, or create a fault in a marriage that may or may not be there... you are grossly mistaken. Your Hs played a large role in not only pursuing an A, but making the choices along the way with each step that a line is crossed even further... the first hand grab, the first lie, the first kiss, the first PA activity, the first I love you`s... all of those are milestones along the way... that aren`t easy to complete... and yet... your Hs still did it... you certainly can`t blame the OWs for his choices

 

I am a stbxW current OW, and know deeply how many times you need to decide to flirt... and stay in an A.

 

While I appreciate your point about people getting themselves in situations, then claiming the victim...It is not a fair representation. Yes, the OW always has the choices to make in order to pursue the A any further once it starts.... and yes... things very quickly become difficult... and yes, everyone involved has the ability to end or change their actions at any time.

 

I don`t think anyone is claiming to be a victim. Its the frustrations of the choices we have made, that is what is being expressed - just like you all do with your friends and family from time to time. I don`t sit around all day thinking... Why did he do this to me... why is he not leaving his wife for me... why is his w so hurt and taking it out on me... why did my H ruin our marriage... ya, sometimes thoughts cross my mind... but to say that I see myself as a victim is completely inaccurate.

 

We are all just people... and ALL people make mistakes, and choose to complete actions that are outside of what should be done. In the case of As, the actions affect so many people. Its like losing weight and being frustrated that you ate great all week, but the scale didn`t move... you are not a victim of your weight... you created it, but do you want to vent about how hard it is... definately.

[mem11363]

Wife actually treats husband really well. She loves him - and pays attention to him. She gives him GF quality sex on a regular basis.

 

Another woman at work starts flirting with him - he ignores her. She gives up and goes on to her next target.

 

I write this from the happy end of the pool. My wife IS the wife described above and when other women have shown interest in me I have ignored them.

 

As for the typical guy who cheats - I have no idea what he is like. But I will tell you I read very few accounts by BS where they acknowledge serious fault of their own in the marriage and I am skeptical about that.

 

 

 

We've all seen this, I'm sure, but here's the scenario.

 

Two people work together. They are friendly. He's married, she's not. She is very attentive to him. She goes out of her way to sit either next to or across from him in meetings. She always laughs at his jokes. Always seems to end up in line with him for coffee. Pretty soon he offers to get her coffee when he goes - and vice versa. She asks him along when going for coffee, then he does as well.

 

She commiserates with him whenever anything doesn't go "his" way. If he does say something - anything - even slightly negative about his wife, she's all over it. Pointing out how she'd "never do anything like that".

 

Pretty soon he seems to be feeling pretty special when she's around. Feels like no one understands him quite like she does. They talk more - and more... pretty soon they are in an EA which possibly then graduates to a PA.

 

When the fur hits the fan, he realizes that she's really not all that special to him - his wife is. Then... she claims victimhood. It's supposedly all HIS fault - and after all he was the married person. He was the one who broke his vows. She was just an innocent victim. Forget the fact that it NEVER would have happened if she hadn't initiated most everything.

 

Why does the OW (whether EA or PA) claim to be a victim? Why is she so often seemingly desirous of being considered a victim?

 

I chose this scenario, because that's what we talk about here - but really it could be ANY scenario between people. Why is our nation (I blithely assume it's more endemic to the US than elsewhere) so full of people who want to consider themselves victims instead of looking at what THEY have done to create the situation they find themselves in? Maybe I'm just more bummed out than usual today, but I find myself fairly fed-up with this victim mentality.

[Snowflower]

But I will tell you I read very few accounts by BS where they acknowledge serious fault of their own in the marriage and I am skeptical about that.

 

Can you please elaborate on this statement here?

[reboot]

Can you please elaborate on this statement here?

 

He means he has seen very few BS here admit that there was plenty of fault on their part leading to the state of their marriage being such that their WS became susceptible to an affair.

 

Speaking of non-serial cheating WS types of course.

 

The BS usually has very little to no responsibility for the actual affair, but they often have at least some, if not a lot, rarely maybe even most, of the responsibility for the fact that their marriage wasn't strong enough to avoid it.

 

It's hard to be that honest with yourself. I know.

[Spark1111]

He means he has seen very few BS here admit that there was plenty of fault on their part leading to the state of their marriage being such that their WS became susceptible to an affair.

 

Speaking of non-serial cheating WS types of course.

 

The BS usually has very little to no responsibility for the actual affair, but they often have at least some, if not a lot, rarely maybe even most, of the responsibility for the fact that their marriage wasn't strong enough to avoid it.

 

It's hard to be that honest with yourself. I know.

 

It's much harder for the WS to be that honest with themselves.

 

Trust me. I KNOW.

[Spark1111]

Wife actually treats husband really well. She loves him - and pays attention to him. She gives him GF quality sex on a regular basis.

 

Another woman at work starts flirting with him - he ignores her. She gives up and goes on to her next target.

 

I write this from the happy end of the pool. My wife IS the wife described above and when other women have shown interest in me I have ignored them.

 

As for the typical guy who cheats - I have no idea what he is like. But I will tell you I read very few accounts by BS where they acknowledge serious fault of their own in the marriage and I am skeptical about that.

 

I get hit on and flirted with all the time.

 

Even in the darkest days of my marriage, and I have always admitted 50 percent of my emotional distancing from him at that time, it never, ever occurred to me that cheating was an option to cure whatever void he was incapable of filling at the time.

 

Imagine that?

[realworldexplorer]

I agree with Bent totally,

 

WS=100%

OW/OM=100%

 

There is no way to exonerate the OW/OM from the responsibility and the "not my vows" defense is pure rationalized shyte. In my case the OM befriended me (probably at the bequest of WS) and I thought we were becoming friends. This was without a doubt the worst phsycological blow I have ever known in my life, far worse than their illicit affair. I could not believe that this guy would want to have a relationship with someone he really didn't know all the while working vigorously in the background to destroy my M, and future. True Psycopathy and bizarre behaviour that took a lot of IC to get a hanlde on and overcome. He is lucky to still breath air. The last thing I would want to do, if I was low enough to try and invade someone elses M, would be to try and have a relationship with the very person who's life I was trying to destroy.

 

My therapist said it was possible that through doing that they (WS,OM) were trying to normalize their very sick behaviours. I will never know because it is beyond my capability to do or understand that motivation. Which brings us to the "I will do it for LOVE" defense. This is a good one also. Real love, true love, selfless love does not, EVER, harm anyone else. These people I describe who had to eff my life for their personal twisted gain have paid a price (that I have witnessed) far in excess (1000X) of anything that would be gained by deceiving and betraying.

 

My WS has had to suffer tortures that will take years to heal and all of the actions have been exposed to all of the most important people in her life, these actions are irreversible and ruinous. 2nd chances are given in life, 3rd chances rarely. I don't know of OM for 2+ years and I am curious to know if he had any true remorse or if he took any corrective action for himself. He never did any reparation, or showed me any sympathy or empathy for the incredible pain inflicted. It was like I was standing on a sidewalk, looking at my watch, and was suddenly struck by an out of contol automobile with a crazed driver. What a burden to place on an innocent person, I could never do such a thing, and if I did I would always want to do something to make it right. If I couldn't do anything to make it right or tried to hide from it, I would rot and wither in my own skin.

 

To all OW/OM: If you think it is not your problem or that you are somehow immune to the suffering that YOU are helping to inflict, think twice, think deep, the truth of this is obvious, don't sell youself out for a cheater, save YOURSELF, save your soul, think of what you are doing as you may not live long enough to deal with the fallout. The Karma bus with your name on the licence plate just jumped up on to the sidewalk, speeding toward you, and there you are looking at your watch.

[Spark1111]

You chose a scenario that ensures the OW is at fault. She is the pursuer, she is the one who entices the H with her flirtations and gets him to a point where he has no choice but to begin the EA. In your heads, you believe that all OW are slutty girls, waiting to prey on men who are seaminly weak in their marriages, or create a fault in a marriage that may or may not be there... you are grossly mistaken. Your Hs played a large role in not only pursuing an A, but making the choices along the way with each step that a line is crossed even further... the first hand grab, the first lie, the first kiss, the first PA activity, the first I love you`s... all of those are milestones along the way... that aren`t easy to complete... and yet... your Hs still did it... you certainly can`t blame the OWs for his choices

 

I am a stbxW current OW, and know deeply how many times you need to decide to flirt... and stay in an A.

 

While I appreciate your point about people getting themselves in situations, then claiming the victim...It is not a fair representation. Yes, the OW always has the choices to make in order to pursue the A any further once it starts.... and yes... things very quickly become difficult... and yes, everyone involved has the ability to end or change their actions at any time.

 

I don`t think anyone is claiming to be a victim. Its the frustrations of the choices we have made, that is what is being expressed - just like you all do with your friends and family from time to time. I don`t sit around all day thinking... Why did he do this to me... why is he not leaving his wife for me... why is his w so hurt and taking it out on me... why did my H ruin our marriage... ya, sometimes thoughts cross my mind... but to say that I see myself as a victim is completely inaccurate.

 

We are all just people... and ALL people make mistakes, and choose to complete actions that are outside of what should be done. In the case of As, the actions affect so many people. Its like losing weight and being frustrated that you ate great all week, but the scale didn`t move... you are not a victim of your weight... you created it, but do you want to vent about how hard it is... definately.

 

I think it depends on the moral compass of those who took a million steps to engage in the affair.

 

My fWS is filled with guilt, shame and remorse for his betrayal, and he makes ammends every single day.

 

His fOW? She still blames him, and sometimes me.

[reboot]

It's much harder for the WS to be that honest with themselves.

 

Trust me. I KNOW.

 

Oh yes, I know.

[Snowflower]

He means he has seen very few BS here admit that there was plenty of fault on their part leading to the state of their marriage being such that their WS became susceptible to an affair.

 

Feel free to look back at some of my posts here over the past year if you think that most BS don't take responsibility for the state of the pre-affair marriage.

 

I have stated many times that my pre-affair marriage pretty much sucked in a lot of ways and that I contributed to much of it. In fact, shortly before my H started his affair, I had considered moving out of state to pursue a dream job...and this would have been at the expense and likely destruction of my marriage. My husband knew of my plans, said little, but was very hurt...as he should have been.

 

Of course, the OW was right there for him shortly afterward and the rest is obvious. I never took the job but the damage was done.

 

 

Speaking of non-serial cheating WS types of course.

Of course.

 

The BS usually has very little to no responsibility for the actual affair, but they often have at least some, if not a lot, rarely maybe even most, of the responsibility for the fact that their marriage wasn't strong enough to avoid it.

 

I agree that the BS might have likely contributed to the failure of the pre-affair marriage. I know I did...but I also recognize that not everyone's situation is the same.

 

It's hard to be that honest with yourself. I know.

 

Not sure if this is intended to be snarky and condescending to me and other BS or if it is just general statement. Context is often lost in posts so I will assume in this case that is a general statement.

 

In response, it was not hard for me to be honest with myself...I can look at my own faults and contributions to the failure of my marriage. I take a lot of the blame...but my H made some very terrible choices, as well.

[reboot]

Not sure if this is intended to be snarky and condescending to me and other BS or if it is just general statement. Context is often lost in posts so I will assume in this case that is a general statement.

 

No it wasn't a general statement. Nor was it meant to be snarky. It was the voice of experience. It was my own story.

 

I am a BS too.