Weirdo Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I want to know what you guys really think when you read this. please dont censor yourself, and if it means saying ''girl you're a b***h!'' so be it. I want to know what someone else thinks of/would do in my situation. Hurray for internet anonymity! gonna try tell you this in bullet points: {met this guy {no initial attraction {i was just after a bad breakup {silly me fell for his mind, ways of thinking +lifestyle he could expose me to {became best friends/lovers and it was very intense. {massive problems arose {he began blaming me for his life going down the drain due to the intensity {he suffers from depression, and although i know i am prone to bouts of it myself, the ways in which his manifests has had negative effects on me and I am now seeking help. {no problems ever get sorted between us because if i say i have a problem im interfering with him 'having a normal life', or so he says. {the sex is terrible. {im not physically attracted to him at all. i don't really like kissing him unless im intoxicated, or horny .....but then the sex is crap. I know it sounds awful,especially that last part, it IS awful, im the one living it. I want out, and I want out now. I don't know how to do it. He says that he doesn't know what he'll do without me? I don't care about that bit honestly, I just realise from that statement that he is basically saying he is very fragile. I really need a hand here.
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 To do what? Pack your bags? Find a suitcase? Load the car? Buy some groceries for the new pad? If you want to leave so badly, and there is nothing about the relationship which excites you or makes you want to stay - then why are you still there?
Ilovecake Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 It's hard to give you advice not knowing why it is you feel you can't get out. A few questions: Besides guilt and maybe fear what is keeping you there? How serious are you guys? How long have you been together? Are you married, engaged living together?
Author Weirdo Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 oh right i guess i didnt cover that in my typing fluster! sorry and thank you for replying so far Ive tried to break it off with him several times now and he doesn't accept it. He has threatened physical violence upon HIMSELF when ive tried to do it over the phone, to show me a)how much I'll regret this b)how much ive hurt him. He does the same when Ive tried meeting him in person or else he ends up in tears for hours and hours and he then starts saying how ****ed up his entire life/being is because of this one rejection in life. So I end up having to reassure him about that, and I get sucked into the relationship again, over and over. From what he has told me he has been the dumped not the dumpee in his past relationships and holds a heavy grudge, and also has seperation anxiety issues. From all I've written I'm painting him as a pretty ****ed up dude, which in these extreme situations I guess he is. We're not married, not engaged or anything like that, just dating for the past 10 months approx. I basically want to know how best to break it off with someone who behaves in such a way so I don't invoke another tirade of self-harm threats or whatever else is possible with someone who can't handle rejection well.
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 He has threatened physical violence upon HIMSELF when ive tried to do it over the phone, to show me a)how much I'll regret this b)how much ive hurt him. Oh, this old chestnut. It's emotional blackmail. Tell him if he really meant it, he would have done it already, when you originally told him you'd break up with him. Also tell him that if he's really intending to harm himself, then it's on his head, you're taking no responsibility for it. If he really wants to take it as far as harming himself, then it's his call. You have a life and you intend to live it. If he wants to waste his, then that's not your problem. The only reason he keeps threatening this, is because he knows it yanks your chain. it gives him emotional power and control over you. And you're letting him do it. He knows this. After all, he's gotten away with it this far, hasn't he? He does the same when Ive tried meeting him in person or else he ends up in tears for hours and hours and he then starts saying how ****ed up his entire life/being is because of this one rejection in life. So I end up having to reassure him about that, and I get sucked into the relationship again, over and over. That's on you, honey. you're going to have to "man up" on this one. The only one that makes you get sucked in, is you. Worst reason ever, staying with someone out of pity and fear.... From what he has told me he has been the dumped not the dumpee in his past relationships and holds a heavy grudge, and also has seperation anxiety issues. Well if this is a recurring problem with him, then he needs to get himself fixed, not get everyone to stay with him to fix him. That's not helping him. That's just compounding his own problems. If he wants to change what happens to him - he's going to have to do the changing. Not you, or anyone else.... From all I've written I'm painting him as a pretty ****ed up dude, which in these extreme situations I guess he is. We're not married, not engaged or anything like that, just dating for the past 10 months approx. That would probably be around six months too many, huh? I basically want to know how best to break it off with someone who behaves in such a way so I don't invoke another tirade of self-harm threats or whatever else is possible with someone who can't handle rejection well. You tell him you are breaking it off, and that you never want to hear from him again. Use the above arguments to counter-respond to his rantings and ravings, and then go no contact (it's in my signature.....). If he harasses you, tell him you will take legal action against him, and you can see why all his previous relationships ended so badly. It wasn't them. It was him. Tell him to get professional support, because you can't help him. And go - and maintain - No Contact. But you'd better mean it......
Author Weirdo Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 wow thorough and great answer, thank you so much for that. Im going to have to mentally prepare myself for those actions you've described. Today was a good start, I didn't communicate with him all that much via text etc, and when I did it was to the point, abrupt, almost verging on rude... Not sure if that's entirely the best way to go about it, but it's making me feel stronger, all in preparation! thank you again
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 When you are a loving and compassionate person, it's hard to change the way you do things: But if I may, I will tell you where I perceive you have been...misguided....in your good intentions. There is Idiot Compassion, and there is Wise Compassion. We ask ourselves the question, "How do I know which is which?" After all, we do our best to help, to be supportive, to be loving, to be kind, to be...there. But if we examine the two, they are quite distinctly different. The former supports, unskilfully. The latter enables Mindfully. In other words, if you carry and bear the load for somebody, and realise they're loading it al off on you and actually doing nothing to help themselves, but are using you as a crutch, support and general packhorse - then that's not helping. Is it? So sometimes, it's better and more constructive to back off and make it clear to that person that you wish them nothing but well, but this isn't on you to fix, mend, patch up, cosmetically disguise or take on as yours. Now, I gave you several suggestions up above. I felt that rejoining harshly upon him might fight fire with fire, and that cutting through his crap would drive the message home. But perhaps the secret is not to rant and rave back, or yell, or scream down the phone at him. Perhaps the skilful thing would be to let him wail and weep and get all hyper, but you just pause when he's finished, then respond calmly and gently. Perhaps the way to make him understand that his demonic, manic, obsessive, possessive, controlling, chain-yanking, manipulative, bullying behaviour is actually completely futile, pointless and ineffective, is to maintain a calm composure, a level voice and a matter-of-fact tone. Stay calm, collected and serene. He can only rile you and get to you if you let him. He can only manipulate your mood, if you give him that way in. so the more heated he becomes, the more emotionally he responds, the calmer and quieter you become. But do not be drawn in by pity. Do not feel sorry to the point that you capitulate. You tell him he needs professional help and counselling. You tell him he is one seriously phukked-up individual, but you are neither willing, nor qualified to fix him. you are not willing to play into this game any more, and that he really does have to start taking responsibility for himself. If he threatens self-harm, ask him what he thinks that would solve? Why does he think this would be constructive? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - one that is his to fix, and within his power to do so, if he would just focus on it and concentrate on it, instead of making stupid manipulative threats. If self-harm is all he intends, then, his wounds will heal, but that won't make you do something you don't want to do. because the scars for him a more than skin-deep, and self-harm is a sure sign of someone who needs professional help. And as you've already said - you're not that person. So, sorry bucko, but it ends here. You wish him a happy life, but that is completely up to him. Nobody else. He cannot latch on and pretend to be dependent on others and all the while try to blackmail them with threats. That's not love, that's obsession. And there is nothing written anywhere that you have to agree with this, or play into it. You don't. you deserve better.
pureinheart Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 oh right i guess i didnt cover that in my typing fluster! sorry and thank you for replying so far Ive tried to break it off with him several times now and he doesn't accept it. He has threatened physical violence upon HIMSELF when ive tried to do it over the phone, to show me a)how much I'll regret this b)how much ive hurt him. He does the same when Ive tried meeting him in person or else he ends up in tears for hours and hours and he then starts saying how ****ed up his entire life/being is because of this one rejection in life. So I end up having to reassure him about that, and I get sucked into the relationship again, over and over. From what he has told me he has been the dumped not the dumpee in his past relationships and holds a heavy grudge, and also has seperation anxiety issues. From all I've written I'm painting him as a pretty ****ed up dude, which in these extreme situations I guess he is. We're not married, not engaged or anything like that, just dating for the past 10 months approx. I basically want to know how best to break it off with someone who behaves in such a way so I don't invoke another tirade of self-harm threats or whatever else is possible with someone who can't handle rejection well. I take suicide threats VERY seriously...please keep in mind this is not of your doing should he follow through at some point in his life. This man has some very serious issues, he needs professional help ASAP. What I have in bold is extreme unusual behavior for a dating relationship of 10 mo. Does he have any family that you are aware of? If so I would talk to them and suggest intervention. He sounds like he is using/drinking. If this were me, I would sit him down with other people present and explain to him that you don't want this any longer, you don't have to be mean, stern or sarcastic, just be real. If he then threatens suicide let him know that you are calling the authorities for intervention and he will be committed...he seriously needs professional care as this is insanity. For me to even suggest calling the authorities says a lot...I don't like dealing in this manor for many reasons, although desparate situations call for desparate measures.
Author Weirdo Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 for those of you who have responded, thank you so much, I truly appreciate it. The situation has came to a head sooner than anticipated last night. Not to gossip, but to let you know how it panned out, and if anyone else learns from or sees resemblances in my tricky and scary situation, this is what happened. I truly hope this is the end of it, and no-one else has to experience it. It was bloody terrifying. He called me at 1am after some drinks with friends and I didn't answer, then texted him back saying ill talk to him tomorrow because I was sleepy. He began calling me and calling me endlessly saying he 'should be allowed talk to his girlfriend whenever he wanted'. I turned off my phone after a hefty enough argument. He walked for an hour to my apartment, this is now 3am, and actually self harmed in front of me, verbally abused me, wrecked my place, cried and cried and cried. When he had calmed down he slept on my couch, I was no longer afraid of him, plus I have no sharp or dangerous objects here. This morning he woke up and I told him he needs help, I dont want to and cannot be with him, he seems to now see that. He knows it is his actions fault. I have made myself very clear. I dont want anymore involvement, I want him to find happiness, and to feel well again, but I dont want to be the reason he's doing it. I want nothing to do with him, Ive been too hurt by this. The briefness of this paragraph makes it sounds as though he may be pretending just to placate me, but he seems to realise now he has lost me through his re-occurring manic behavior. God that was very tough, I wish it on no-one else. Heres hoping for an easier life from now on! Thank you for your help xxx
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 That must have been an awful thing to go through, and I'm truly sorry you had to go experience it. I think you did the right thing, and I hope he sees he really needs professional support. I hope this will be an end to his contacting you, but somehow, I have my doubts. it's possible he will still try to involve you and not lose you. I'm glad you felt calm and detached enough to be able to approach him calmly in the morning. I hope he seeks - and finds - help, support and counselling. Be well, be strong and good luck. X
Ilovecake Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 oh right i guess i didnt cover that in my typing fluster! sorry and thank you for replying so far Ive tried to break it off with him several times now and he doesn't accept it. He has threatened physical violence upon HIMSELF when ive tried to do it over the phone, to show me a)how much I'll regret this b)how much ive hurt him. He does the same when Ive tried meeting him in person or else he ends up in tears for hours and hours and he then starts saying how ****ed up his entire life/being is because of this one rejection in life. So I end up having to reassure him about that, and I get sucked into the relationship again, over and over. From what he has told me he has been the dumped not the dumpee in his past relationships and holds a heavy grudge, and also has seperation anxiety issues. From all I've written I'm painting him as a pretty ****ed up dude, which in these extreme situations I guess he is. We're not married, not engaged or anything like that, just dating for the past 10 months approx. I basically want to know how best to break it off with someone who behaves in such a way so I don't invoke another tirade of self-harm threats or whatever else is possible with someone who can't handle rejection well. Oh man that makes me so angry. Your boyfriend is a selfish coward and an emotional terrorist. I have abandonment issues and I've survived many breakups, he'll be fine. He's going to have to man up and deal with it. You can't let someone control you like that. I think if you stand up to him and say enough is enough you will feel very powerful. If you have to just write him a breakup letter or email and then stop all contact. Believe me if he's going to hurt himself it is not your fault, he's already mentally ill and you have absolutely nothing to do with it. If you want me to I'll be more than happy to break up with him for you.
Ilovecake Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I guess after reading the rest of this thread my above post was too late. I’m really glad to read you broke it off with him. Take care of yourself, do not answer when he calls or texts, change your number if you have to. This person is dangerous and if you need to don’t hesitate to involve the authorities if he gets too close. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
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