stace79 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I need help. My ex and I are trying to work things out, and we have our first counseling appointment on May 24. We live about 7 hours apart. I have unfounded issues with jealousy, which I am trying to work on and he has noticed I've made improvements. One of his female friends -- whom he met off a dating site -- texted him to ask for some help today b/c her car broke down. He went to give her a ride, and now they've ended up spending the whole morning together. (She said it was a quick fix but now it may not be after all.) He texted to say he would probably have lunch with her now, too. He even called while they were at the auto parts store to tell me he's thinking of me and loves me. But he said something about her grabbing his arm while he was on the phone with me. I've also seen her Facebook and she is an attractive woman, and my personal opinion is that she has a nicer figure than me (I'm working out and eating better to try to lose weight.) All I can think of is that he's having lunch with a woman I think is more attractive than me. It's driving me nuts. It makes me not want to talk to him, despite the fact that I feel like I'm probably being irrational. How do you get over this? How is it that some women don't really ever think about their man cheating or looking at other women, going to a strip bar or whatever, but I get pissed off that he even talks to other females besides me? How do I get over this?
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I think some women don't care either because they don't care much about the men, they like to participate in the same behaviours or they are just pretty hardy, not so sensitive or very, very happy in themselves. Maybe as well...some of them don't know about it. I would find it hard knowing how to take this because I also suffer with jealousy and it is difficult because it is hard to know which jealousy is natural and 'right' and which is 'wrong' and paranoid. Are you feeling healthily jealous because you love him? Or are you feeling jealous because jealousy has become a destructive habit? It all depends as well, whether you feel he is provoking your jealousy or not. On the one hand, he is HONESTLY telling you he is meeting her. On the other, he met her on a dating website (so she is not a friend, she was a potential interest), she arguably has some interest in him and it sounds like he's trying to test you. I would be breezy and casual about it and see how this progresses.
orangesean Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I think that while he's probably not up to anything it's good that he's being honest, this is somewhat disrespectful, just because of where he met this woman and that he's the first person she texts when her car is in trouble. I think it's odd also that he has to spend all morning with her as well. If he knows you are insecure or get jealous, it would extremely courteous of him to not go on trips like this with other women without you, especially one he met off a dating site. It's more about just setting the boundaries and if this woman is interested in him, he's now sending signals that it's okay to call on him when in need, when he should really be there for you if he's committed.
Author stace79 Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 You guys both made some good points. THe challenge is that he and I live seven hours apart for now, and I live in the city I grew up in with friends and family nearby. He moved for a job and doesn't have many friends there, so while we were broken up he met some people off this dating site and they've sort of become friends. Yes, initially they were romantic prospects but for one reason or another they didn't work out. This girl txt'd him b/c his job is flexible and he doesn't have to be in an office all day, so it was easier for him to help her I guess. And then she offered to buy his lunch b/c he helped her out. I don't believe he would cheat on me... what I told him tonight was that I feel jealous that these girls get to spend time with him and I don't b/c I'm so far away. Also, in our past relationship he never wanted to be very helpful to me and didn't want to go out much, so it hurts he jumped to help this girl who he just met in January, when he never used to do those things for me, his gf. But he said he would drive seven hours to help me now if the sitaution came up.
Peitho Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 My guess, she is probably a user. Why else would she call a random person she met on a dating site to fix her car? Either that or there is more to that story. He is probably very naïve (which by itself is not necessarily a good thing). Either that or there is more to that story. Whatever the case, he is extremely inconsiderate. He knows your issues, he is aware that you are working on them. Sooner or later everyone has issues – you don’t want your partner to ignore or aggravate them.
Els Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 If she had been an old platonic friend... or if the lunch had been scheduled in the open to begin with... etc, I might have said that you should try to take this in your stride. But he met her at a DATING site, he was only supposed to give her a ride, and then they ended up spending the whole morning together which led on to lunch? I don't know. I think very few people would not be jealous.
Author stace79 Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 1. Yes, mostly my issue is that he met these new "friends" on a dating site. 2. Yes, I have always felt he was a bit naive about women. I once told him that a girl would have to strip naked and fly a plane banner over his head saying "have sex with me" before he'd realize that she was trying to come on to him. 3. I really don't worry about him cheating on me. What I worry about is that these female friends he has will grow on him, and he will one day think "well, I really like so-and-so, and me and my gf are having problems," so he will break up with me to try to date someone else because the grass looks greener. I'm honestly surprised so many of you are "on my side". I really expected a backlash of "get over it" and you "have to trust your man". lol While I listed this specific scenario, I am very insecure really about most women he sees. He went to watch a fight Saturday with his coworker, who brought a group of friends. Some of those friends were female, and I immediately raised the hair on my neck because I don't like that he's socializing with new women when I'm not around. So yes, this particular situation bugs me, but I have a real problem with insecurity in general. I'm somewhat obsessive about his female friends on Facebook. When we lived together before, I used to frequently snoop in his cell phone to see who was texting him. The reason I'm so insecure is because when we first dated four years ago, he broke up with me to go back to his ex, and he used to tell me how she was "just a good friend" and they would text, e-mail and call each other a lot. They never saw each other in person b/c she lived in a different city than us. But it drove me nuts and now I feel like I need to know every little detail about his interaction with other women. Anyway thanks for all your input. Please feel free to keep commenting! It's better to hash out some of my problems here than continually bring them up with him.
poobear Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I need help. My ex and I are trying to work things out, and we have our first counseling appointment on May 24. We live about 7 hours apart. I have unfounded issues with jealousy, which I am trying to work on and he has noticed I've made improvements. One of his female friends -- whom he met off a dating site -- texted him to ask for some help today b/c her car broke down. He went to give her a ride, and now they've ended up spending the whole morning together. (She said it was a quick fix but now it may not be after all.) He texted to say he would probably have lunch with her now, too. He even called while they were at the auto parts store to tell me he's thinking of me and loves me. But he said something about her grabbing his arm while he was on the phone with me. I've also seen her Facebook and she is an attractive woman, and my personal opinion is that she has a nicer figure than me (I'm working out and eating better to try to lose weight.) All I can think of is that he's having lunch with a woman I think is more attractive than me. It's driving me nuts. It makes me not want to talk to him, despite the fact that I feel like I'm probably being irrational. How do you get over this? How is it that some women don't really ever think about their man cheating or looking at other women, going to a strip bar or whatever, but I get pissed off that he even talks to other females besides me? How do I get over this? If you are in the process of loosing weight, and being more attractive keep it up!! Start checking what is out there for you. There are probably lots of men out there that are more attractive than your husband. Go for it ,and see if he gets jealous. You will find out in a hurry how much he really cares for you. Satisfy your needs after all he has!!!
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