My attempt at a coping log

[cmichael16]

So, my ex and I have been broken up for 3 months this coming sunday,

 

There are many posts around here with the stories of it. But every time I have tried to go No Contact she finds a reason she needs to talk to me, guised in business but it always ends up being personal.

 

this past sunday she started texting me stuff about mothers day and such and wanted to talk to me, I ignored it, then yesterday I got a crying voicemail from her about how she feels hurt I am not responding

 

Then my friend tells me today that her relationship status on FB is updated to in a relationship, with her upstairs neighbor... wow thats convenient. I asked him not to give me any details on her anymore.

 

Then I got a blank email from her.. just that, dont know wht it meant but I thought, and decided to write her an email spelling out no contact, I kept it short, and spelled out that I would not be contacting her and would not be willing to settle for second class/second best as friends. I also spelt out the the only way I want her to contact me is when/if she realizes her mistake and wants to prove she wants me. I also mentioned I will never expect to hear from her, I added a read receipt just so I would know she read it.

 

15 minutes later I got the read receipt.

 

So that's it, I am going hard NC again, and she will have no way to break it unless she wants to reconcile. and even then I dont want her as she is, so if she does want to reconcile it will have to be a long time from now.

 

I have a woman I am interested in and am moving on. I have coped with this breakup for so long and while she does still have a piece of my heart I think about her less and less. and todays email was the first time I actually reached out to her in over a month. I had to break NC to tell her I was going NC becuase she would have texted me to death.

 

Unfortunately happiness will elude me for now, my mother is in the hospital with an unknown ailment, she was sick for 4 weeks and yesterday started throwing up blood. So I visited her last night, I am at work today and will visit after work...

 

I will update this log as needed, LS help me stay strong, I do love that woman but after her walking on me I have to let her go completely!

[cmichael16]

I suppose I should add that I have been on a path of self-improvement since the breakup, I have lost 55lbs and am working out every day, I was at 235 just before she left me. I feel physicly much better, too bad the emotional part is so slow. Hopefully the NC will help. While she is self destructive I have been building a temple lol.

 

I also ordered the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" yesterday in an attempt to not be a doormat any more.

 

Wish me luck!

[cmichael16]

Jeez I think I need help, Im seeing a therapist, but it doesnt seem to help, its been 3 months of off and on NC and today I initiated full NC, as stated above, and I am HURTING so terribly... of course my mom being in the hospital doesnt help but she will get better, I am of course totally lost scared and so so so so sad, I cant help but drink, I know I shouldnt but it is the only thing that will help her get out of my mind, I am back to not eating again, I had a packet of oatmeal for dinner and just lost it... I dont understand why I am in so much pain, and I have been through a damned divorce, this should be nothing at all.

 

Why am I hurting this bad after 3 months!

[cmichael16]

Woke up today with the ex on my mind. It has been 3 months and I still roll over every morning and try to kiss her good morning only to find a pillow. I almost cry. but then I get out of bed and get my day going. My dad called before I left for work to let me know moms tests were this morning, so I may not make it all day at work again.

 

I know this time I must stick to NC until I see some effort for her to come back, and even then I should probably stick to it. I have no reason to contact her at this point so that makes it easier. I just need the strength to stay NC.

 

It is funny though I hear she is really mad at her work and getting ready to quit (she already has money troubles, this should be entertaining) and I bet if she does she will leave her man or he will leave her because she will shut down everything in her life. When she wasnt "happy" with me she dropped out of school, left me, transferred jobs, and moved to a different town, AND started drinking excessively and smoking pot. gee are you sure it was me/us? they are her mistakes to make, I am actually finding it funny.

 

Anyway, I am having a really tough time with mom being in the hospital and for some reason I am greiving the relationship a lot more these days, possibly because my birthday is coming up.

 

I am still dieting and working out every day, that may be what is keeping me from doing really really bad things. but I need to stop drinking just so I can sleep, that is bad news.

 

More Later Maybe

[cmichael16]

So I am stupid, I broke NC this morning to see if she and the dog wanted to meet at the park to chat, I left it very vague but she agreed. Im nervous about it, but I just want to tell her that things are different, I agree with the breakup and wont be around for her anymore. I plan to leave it vague so that in the future if she fixes herself she can call me, but also so that I can ignore her and let her miss me. then I can really start healing.

 

Anyone have any advice on what to do after I leave?

[cmichael16]

Okay I feel better, Saw her and chatted for 30 mins, she was playing with her hair and such, but I left saying thank you for breaking up with me becuase it has allowed me to make changes. My feelings were not as strong as I though and I kept smiling and laughing, she seemed kinda sad but still said she was happy. I told her I was happy for her, and that we should catch up sometime. Now I am going hard NC, and possibly permanent. I love this girl, but she is not the one for me.

 

Hopefully I wont relapse

 

Anyone have any thoughts or words of encouragement?

[TaraMaiden]

Yes.

When you say NC, mean NC and stay NC.

 

It's NC for a reason. It's not meant to keep you waiting in a loop, hoping in the void that she will contact you to reconcile.

You haven't been moving on.

You've been going through the motions, but you've kept yourself stuck and held back.

 

What's happened to this lady you met (post #1)?

 

I'm sorry about the compounding issue with your mom.

My father is dying (who isn't - ?!) but he's in a different country, so all I can do is keep on the 'phone and support my mum that way. so I can see what you're going through....

 

In order to let go, you have to be completely willing to let go.

 

Letting go does not invalidate, trivialise or belittle what you once had.

But you must view your grieving process as something that is also constructive in making you a better, wiser more rounded person because of your relationship.

You 'grew' during that time.

Keep growing.

 

But let go.

[cmichael16]

Thank you for the kind words.

 

I agree I have to totally let go, I have healed some but just not enough.

 

the woman in my first post lives so far away, weve met once at this point. I doubt it will work out with her, but at least I am interested right?

 

I am sorry about your dad, I really am.

 

I just wish there was a quick fix, and when she does contact me what do I do? not reply at all or choose wisely?

[sedgwick]

I just wish there was a quick fix, and when she does contact me what do I do? not reply at all or choose wisely?

 

No Contact means NO CONTACT! Meaning that if she contacts you, you do not reply!

[nolanola]

There's not a quick fix, unfortunately. Time helps, but you have to give time time. You can't expect to be better in a day or two, as much as it sucks.

NC is the best thing I ever did for myself. It is the hardest also, but by far the thing that is helping me to heal the most. It has been 8 and a half weeks and this is the best I have felt since we broke up 2 years ago. He had strung me along for 2 years and it was making me so miserable!! I would take a tiny step forward and then be reduced to tears when I would run into him or get a text. I still think about him quite a bit and when my phone rings I still immediately wonder if it will be him, but I am not consumed by thoughts about him or who he is dating. Everyday I think about him less and less. When you don't talk to or see someone they almost cease to exist in your mind and this is a good thing.

There's a song I like called "If you're going through hell, just keep going" and I think it is the best advice. Just keep to NC and think about what is best for you. Your healing is the only thing that matters right now!

[cmichael16]

Ugh, how do you block someone on google talk? She is removed from everything, except I cant block her texts, she didnt text, she sends me an IM on google talk (I use it for work) that just said . something has changed since I saw her today, and I aint gonna ask her. just ignoring her.

 

Just wanted to post an update saying I am staying strong as I can.

[cmichael16]

So, after mowing today I am going to forgo the workout, however an odd side effect has occurred, I have on a diet and exercise since the breakup, self improvment and such, but small issue has arisen today, I am just not hungry, I havent eaten since lunch yesterday. This happened when she first left, but I really dont feel all that down, I am a machine, but damn, no hunger?

[MrSandman]

You either need another therapist or insist you be referred to a psychiatrist. Mood stabilizers and/or anxiolitics may be in your healthy future.

[cmichael16]

Well I ate some dinner even though I wasnt hungry, at least I was able to eat, when she broke up with me 3 months ago for the first 5 or 6 days I would try to eat and just throw it back up.

 

As usual I woke up thinking about my ex, I still roll over to try to give her a kiss, I dont know why. and apparently my dreams have returned. I wouldnt say they were about her but she is always in them. quite annoying.

 

On a side note I do feel pretty decent today. Its Day 2ish of no contact. I want to stay strong.

[cmichael16]

Random text message this morning ";P"

 

I ignored it... so weird... Its like shes saying "been there done that, but I want to pester you" grumble grumble

 

NC Strong!

[cmichael16]

I am the king of all wusses, my emotional rollercoaster goes up for 10 mins then crashes for hours. its like I know what I am doing is right, but i also feel like I need to be doing something else, I know I cant have a healthy relationship right now, but I feel isolated and alone. its weird.

 

I still dont want her back, at least not as she is, and I am afraid that she might come crawling in a few months or years, hopefully she would have fixed some of her stuff and is honestly looking for a lifelong partner, but I doubt itll happen, I will never see her again I am sure at this point.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading guys!

[cmichael16]

This song always makes me feel somehow at peace

 

Firefly Theme Song

 

Main Title Theme Written by: Joss Whedon

Performed by: Sonny Rhodes

Take my love, take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care, I'm still free

You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black

Tell them I ain't comin' back

Burn the land and boil the sea

You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be

Since I found Serenity

But you can't take the sky from me...

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.fireflywiki.org/Firefly/FireflyThemeSong

[cmichael16]

Got up this morning thinking about the ex, trying so hard to let go and not think of her, almost in tears.

 

Did my workout and just shaved. Gonna hop in the shower then go visit my mom in the hospital. I actually have a "date" with a friend tonight. She and I have known each other since my breakup and we comfort each other about moving on and such, neither of us wants a relationship so its good to have someone to talk to to help you move past things. I have been on a few dates since the breakup but all I can do is think of my ex while I am on them. So this should feel better since there is no worry of trying to build anything. Just relaxing dinner and a movie.

 

I feel a little better than I did yesterday but I battle the urge every minute to call my ex, I really hate that.

 

Have a good day everyone.

[cmichael16]

Some days are so hard, I realize that I contacted her Thursday, but I wont again. I am really scared that she will text me on my bday wed. I hope she doesnt, because I would probably respond... I envision the texts going

 

Her: Happy Birthday

Me: Thanks and since I am 99% sure I wont see or talk to you, you have one too in october!

 

and I have no idea how she would respond to that. I really do love this woman, even though she wasnt communicative to me about what bothered her, and she is with a new man, I both want and dont want her to come crawling back. I know itll never happen cause she is so stubborn, but I Really did love her with all my heart.

 

and my mom is still in the hospital, the depression is KILLING me.

 

Could someone offer some good advice on what to do if she does text me on my birthday?

 

She has told me when I dont respond it hurts her feelings, but should I even care about that anymore?

[TaraMaiden]

Some days are so hard, I realize that I contacted her Thursday, but I wont again. I am really scared that she will text me on my bday wed.

Then what you do, is hand your 'phone to your best freinds, and ask him to reply on your behalf.

Tell him to text back that it's him - replying on your behalf.

Ask him to text the following:

"cmichael says: You think you're being kind and nice, but really, you're just twisting the knife in my heart and killing me all over again. Must you keep doing this? I appreciate your intentions - but please stop contacting me. I really can't face having to deal with this all the time. Don't contact me again. Ever."

 

I hope she doesnt, because I would probably respond... I envision the texts going

 

Her: Happy Birthday

Me: Thanks and since I am 99% sure I wont see or talk to you, you have one too in october!

When you envisage a specific result before the event has even happened - you're setting yourself up for failure.

This is something I wrote in another person's thread:

 

The next question you need to ask yourself is why you insist on holding on to it.

If you have been doing everything I've written, and you're not moving on - Then there is something you are doing to stop yourself from moving on.

It all begins in our head, with what we tell ourselves.

 

Catch that thought.

The one that steers you downwards, instead of onwards.

Identify it. Recognise it. And countermand it, as soon as you realise what you're doing to yourself.

 

It's called 'self-sabotage' and what it does is validate our pain.

 

If we permit ourselves to move on from the pain, we believe it invalidates our feelings and the effort we put into the relationship. It makes us mistakenly believe that what we did was insincere. It trivialises our earnest intention to give it our best shot.

So, rather than celebrate the good aspects of the relationship, how it shaped us, how it made us a better person - we choose to descend to a level of despair, denial and we degrade our sincerity.

 

Once you realise that you're keeping yourself deliberately (albeit unconsciously) in a state of despair - then you can be vigilant, spot the culprit thinking, and stop self-sabotaging.

 

it's apt for you, too...

 

and I have no idea how she would respond to that.

No, but the way you're going, you'll start imagining that too.

Really - you have to stop giving a damn. This isn't about her. It's about you.

She's out of the picture.

Why still keep her in it?

 

I really do love this woman, even though she wasnt communicative to me about what bothered her, and she is with a new man, I both want and dont want her to come crawling back. I know itll never happen cause she is so stubborn, but I Really did love her with all my heart.

Fat good it's doing you.

It's doing nothing but keeping you completely stuck.

A journal is utterly pointless if all it does is hold you back. It keeps you looking at how you've reacted, it doesn't work to transform your future behaviour.

Read my first post in the thread linked. It sooo goes for you, too...

 

 

and my mom is still in the hospital, the depression is KILLING me.

This is far more important right now.

Don't give away precious headroom to someone who has no right to be there any more. Focus on your family.

 

Could someone offer some good advice on what to do if she does text me on my birthday?

Follow through precisely with the above.

precisely.

Exactly.

Completely. And go NO CONTACT.

 

She has told me when I dont respond it hurts her feelings, but should I even care about that anymore?

No.

You shouldn't.

Just as really, she fails to see that your feelings are being hurt every time she contacts you.

Oh, really?

Well that's just too phukkin' bad, lady.

 

You have to harden up and be ruthless.

it's either that, or this journal will go on for the foreseeable future....

 

Lather, rinse, repeat, stay stuck, don't move on, keep as miserable as you are, wake up crying, don't change....

I prefer an alternative continuation, but hey, that's just me.

The choice really is yours.

Choose your behaviour, choose your thoughts, choose your reaction.

Choose your life.

[cmichael16]

Thank you so much, I needed that B***h slap for sure, it makes me feel so much better, that all I have done is constructed some fictional situation in my head. fact of the matter is, she told me one day she loved me and left me the next, and I beat myself up every day for 3 months about it. Grrr, I feel like a fool for that, I am going to move on, get her out of my head, I feel much better at the moment, if she does text me maybe I just wont reply. but if I do need to reply I will send or have sent that message verbatim.

[cmichael16]

so it has only been a few hours since I realized (with help above) that I was being stupid, I now am able to look back and pick out the bad things and put them right in front when thinking about her. I am still a little down but so much better than when I woke up, it feels good, like I have a new sense of purpose and can move on. I hope she doesnt text me wed. I would say it is 50/50 that she will, but if she does, I dont think I will respond. If she sends multiple texts Ill respond with the above. I feel strong and good. I am actually looking forward and not back.

[cmichael16]

Hey guys, I feel better today, I feel so much stronger, just push her out of my mind when she pops in, dont care what she is doing or who with, shes an idiot for leaving me and she will realize it one day, and I think I have the power and strength to say no, I would be way to wary of her leaving again, or not even giving it a shot. screw that.

 

On another note someone at work is interested in me... thats cool, she is a bit older than my usual, but that is fine by me. She is cute, funny, and a little bit of a geek like me. I would be breaking one of my rules, but if I dont bend or break them at some point I am gonna miss an opportuity...

 

Anyone have any thoughts, words of encouragement, or anything to share with me?

[TaraMaiden]

Be yourself, be casual, friendly, and maybe ask her out for drink....

But take it easy on yourself. Don't rush headlong into anything, and remember the rebound rule...

Don't rush them into the sack, until you've stopped looking back.

[cmichael16]

SOB, the ex just posted on my FB wall "Happy Birthday you old fart" if I delete it it acknowledges her, if I leave it does it say anything? advice? please?