When to give up?

[bananalaffytaffy]

I'm not sure where this thread should go, since it involves a friend, infidelity, and addiction. I'm going to put it here, and if it needs to be moved, I thank the mods for putting it in it's proper place.

 

I have been friends with someone since high school. In college, she decided she wanted to go after a married man. She was my friend, so I warned her of the pitfalls, told her I didn't agree with it, but did not stop her. She succeeded in breaking up this man's marriage. After a few years, he finally married her.

 

They've had a terrible marriage. Drugs and alcohol have been involved on both sides. She's very unhappy, but will not do "the work". She seems to think that she should be able to take a pill, and have it all go away. Therefore, she's taken every antidepressant known to man and refuses IC.

 

He cheated on her (no surprise), and they divorced (he filed). She started seeing other men, stopped drinking, started getting her life back together. But she is lazy, and does not want to work (her words not mine). She's also the type that can not handle being alone (again her words). She gets her worth from what others think of her.

 

When xH found out she was dating, he decided that they should get back together. He promised her she would not have to work. So.. she's now back to being a drunk, and is now having revenge affairs and unprotected sex. I wouldn't put it past her H to be sleeping around as well.

 

She calls me at all hours of the day, drunk and miserable. I've told her time and time again that she needs to end this destructive relationship and get help in IC. She doesn't listen, yet continues to call, bawling and drunk. I've finally had to tell her not to call me when she's drunk, and only in specific hours (she can no longer call at 2am). She's now in her 40's and has done nothing with her life.

 

I'm at a loss with what to do. She's really no friend to me, but expects me to be there for her. Yet, she does nothing to improve her life. She only calls me when she wants to whine. Things have also changed in my life. I frankly can no longer support her bad behavior (not that I ever did). I also have my own life to live, and don't have a lot of spare time.

 

When is being a friend enabling their behavior? I want to be a friend to her, but I feel like there's only so much I can take.

 

Would I be a really bad friend if I tell her to get lost? I can't fix her problems, but can I really help her?

 

Sorry for the long post.

Edited May 11, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy

[You Go Girl]

Well, friendships are a two-way street. If you get nothing out of the friendship, you will avoid her and it will eventually fizzle, because you'll stop answering her calls.

She's obviously an alcoholic. Suggest she go for treatment. Then set your boundaries. Tell her that you only want her contacting you when she is sober.

She might never be sober, but she might hesitate to call you if she's drunk. In otherwords, there's no way to know when she's had a couple drinks, so she still might be intoxicated.

Set YOUR boundaries.

If she calls again drunk after you tell her not to, then cut the conversation short right then and there and tell her bye, and hang up the phone.

You can't be there for a drunk, nobody can be there for a drunk, because they're in this twisted place in their head with a severly distorted view of reality.

Just keep telling her to get help. And that's all you can do. The decision of course is hers.

[quankanne]

She gets her worth from what others think of her.

 

maybe you can use this to y'alls advantage: Tell her that you're incredibly disappointed for wasting her life away the way she has, because you always thought she was someone incredibly special. And that because she's become someone you don't recognize anymore, her behavior has slowly killed y'alls relationship to a point where you're questioning whether it's a smart move to remain her friend. That you'll always love her, but that doesn't justify being in an unhealthy relationship ... at any point.

 

just be sure she's sober when you tell her this – God willing this slap in the face will make her think about what she's doing, and she'll start taking baby steps to clean up her act.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Well, friendships are a two-way street. If you get nothing out of the friendship, you will avoid her and it will eventually fizzle, because you'll stop answering her calls.

Actually, I wish this were the case. If I don't answer her calls, she texts. I had to block her on facebook because she kept posting stupid stuff to my wall. Her behavior is borderline stalkerish.

She's obviously an alcoholic. Suggest she go for treatment. Then set your boundaries. Tell her that you only want her contacting you when she is sober.

She might never be sober, but she might hesitate to call you if she's drunk. In otherwords, there's no way to know when she's had a couple drinks, so she still might be intoxicated.

Exactly. She's stopped calling when she's slurring drunk, but she still calls drunk, thinking I won't be able to tell.

Set YOUR boundaries.

If she calls again drunk after you tell her not to, then cut the conversation short right then and there and tell her bye, and hang up the phone.

You can't be there for a drunk, nobody can be there for a drunk, because they're in this twisted place in their head with a severly distorted view of reality.

Actually, at this point, I've had to start just ignoring her calls.

Just keep telling her to get help. And that's all you can do. The decision of course is hers.

I think you are right. I may have to tell her to call when she's gotten more (professional) help than I can give her

 

She gets her worth from what others think of her.

 

maybe you can use this to y'alls advantage: Tell her that you're incredibly disappointed for wasting her life away the way she has, because you always thought she was someone incredibly special. And that because she's become someone you don't recognize anymore, her behavior has slowly killed y'alls relationship to a point where you're questioning whether it's a smart move to remain her friend. That you'll always love her, but that doesn't justify being in an unhealthy relationship ... at any point.

 

just be sure she's sober when you tell her this – God willing this slap in the face will make her think about what she's doing, and she'll start taking baby steps to clean up her act.

Thanks, but I've tried that. She appearantly cares more about what HE thinks than what her friends and family thinks. Her family has pretty much disowned her over her behavior. She acts like her dysfunctional husband and me are the only people she has left.