Tricky situation..

[bstnsoxgirl]

So it's been a while since I posted last but a lot has happened. For those of you who are just on for the first time, let me catch you up:

-we are both 41 years old

-this started in Sept. 2009, told me he wanted a divorce

-been married almost 16 years

-2 children, ages 12 and 15

-had financial problems which I tried to handle on my own without communicating with my husband

-he said when I did this, he lost trust in me, to which he also lost his love for me (doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife)

-asked me in Sept. to authorize his phone and my oldest sons cell phone off my account so he could get his own account to "pay his own bills"

-we did a trial separation, each leaving the house for 2 days at a time to keep the kids in their home

-lived in the same house for 2 months, he moved out to his moms in February (kids are with me full time but visit him)

I filed papers in January for a divorce after I found multiple phone numbers on our cell phone bill from prior months. A friend of mine who works where he does said there were "rumors" that he was associating with a young college girl who interns there on breaks. He denied it. Said people were just talking. I, of course blew up at this and didn't believe him. Asked him again about all the phone numbers on the bill and he still wouldn't tell me who they were from. So I called the number. (got voicemail of a young girl) He then couldn't deny who's number it was. It was the young college girl from work. In looking back again through the phone bills while he was on my account, I noticed his phone was making calls from the same town this girl goes to school. He had gone down there at least 3 times! UNREAL! When I questioned him about it, he swore up and down there was no affair now or ever. They were "just friends."

Early February, while he was back at home, our home phone rang at 3:30 in the morning. It was HER! She was telling me she got a text from him and I needed to check on him. What a mess he created with this "friendship!" I was livid. He called me when he got to work and asked me to call a counselor for us to go to. He also told me he called this girl and said they could no longer be friends. That she scared his wife and the friendship was wrong. Mind you, this was NOT done in front of me so I had to either believe or not believe him. I chose to believe him. Since he has moved out, he has blocked me from Facebook and I recently found out he is "friends" on Facebook with 4 other friends of this girl who also go to the same college.

We have been to 3 court dates and our final one is scheduled for June 11th.

So we saw the MC for 8 weeks and I stopped going with him. It ended up turning into learn how to co-parent which is not what it had started out for. We went because that phone call in the middle of the night scared him and he ASKED me to go...However, once we got there the tables turned. I am still in IC and have been since September.

Sorry about the long drawn out scenario but my question is this: when someone says one thing and does another, aren't we taught to go by actions? "Actions speak louder than words." He says a lot of things which give me hope still to this day...His actions, however, shout a different tune.

I am so lost....I love this man with all my heart. 17 years is along time to let go of...Please advise or ask any further questions you may have....You are all so helpful..Gunny and Trippi if you are out there, I would LOVE to hear your input....Thanks much...

Also, to the men reading this, please tell me if I am in the wrong for feeling it is completely unacceptable for my husband who is 41 to be "friends" with young girls in their late teens/20's..I'd love your input.....Thanks.

[scatterd]

How odd my husband has done almost the same thing with a girl at work who is younger and likes both men and woman.It was Sept.he has denied it all but caught him talking to her down stairs.We have been married almost 17 yrs now he is loving with me the whole works.You have to decide if you think he can be trusted again or if you are willing to give him a chance,I still think about it everyday but if I hear more Im gone,Their is men out there also with morals that would never do that but you have to be careful.Good Luck I wish you the best I know how bad the pain is do what makes you happy its what you want that matters.You think you can trust and the*** ****and he pulls a fast one but life is to short to hurt all the time.

Edited May 11, 2010 by scatterd

[bstnsoxgirl]

Thank you for your kind note. It's nice to know I am not alone although the situation is terrible. I may be old fashioned but I feel that a 41 year old man has NO business talking to or being friends with a young girl more than half his age. There certainly is the skeptical part of me, but I really do trust that nothing is/has gone on. I think in the state of mind he is in (I have sworn from the beginning he is in midlife crisis) he didn't feel there was anything wrong with it until I took that call in the middle of the night. THEN he saw how much damage his "friendship" had done.

It is encouraging to know that you have found a place to learn to live with it (without forgetting of course!) and working things out. My husband is not at this point. He really is confused (so it seems) and it makes this that much harder....

Thanks and I wish you the best as well.... I'll take all the help/advice I can get at this point....People who post on LS really do have great input...

[You Go Girl]

I'm not so convinced there was/is nothing going on.

Husbands that are true to their wives don't meet up with anyone--college girls or old ladies--and not mention to their wife, have a discussion, about meeting them, what went on, etc.

There was secrecy by omission.

People in good marriages, or at least trying to make it work, share their day, who they ate lunch with if unusual, stories about their day.

How did going down to this university escape discussion so many times?

 

Secondly, alright, you did something that was looks like it was financially problematic, or even possibly irresponsible. But spouses don't tell their SO they want a divorce over something like that, they try to work it out. He doesn't love you anymore because you tried to right some financial error by yourself? Puleeze! He may get angry, be confused, and other normal emotions over finances, but no longer love you? That sounds like the words of a man who is looking for an excuse.

It seems to me that there may be more than a coincidence that about the time he found out about this financial thing, he was also involved as "friends" with this college intern.

I think there is a WHOLE LOT MORE to this story than what you have been told.

[Gunny376]

He's a cheater and is probally having a mid-life crisis, trying to re-live his youth. Doubtful that there was anything more than an EA.

 

Once a man gets past forty-something? If he's with a twenty-something college anything? She's either got some serious "Daddy" issues or she's wanting for him to die so she can get his house, car, money etc.

 

Forty something + year old men don't need to get with twenty-something year old? They need to get with someone their own age, so that when they're sitting in a restaurant, start drooling at the mouth, making those faces because they're having a stroke? The SO knows what to do, because she's carrying his medicine in her purse, "Just hold on Baby! I"m calling 911 right now, meanwhile take this aspirin or nitroglycerin pill!" A forty something year old woman is preforming CPR on his @zz!"

 

A twenty-something year old? She's going to be like "What's wrong with your @zz! Quit making those faces at me ~ your starting to PMO!"

 

Take him back? Sure! After he gets his happy @zz into some serious individual counseling and gets his head out of his @zz and gets his head and @zz wired back together!

 

Right now he's nothing more than a fool playing a fool's game, fantasying about some college co-ed. Even if they are kicking it, she's just using him for his money and/or what she can do for him.

 

The best thing you can do is get to steppin' and forget this fool. There's no shortage of good men looking for a good woman that's got a lot of good love, devotion and heart to give.

 

Just call the state capital ~ and they will tell you! "Nope, we don't have a shortage of men ~ whole damn state is covered up with them!"

 

There's always a good woman out looking for a good man ~ just like there's always a good man out looking for a good woman.

 

Now grant you! They're like finding yourself a good job. They're out there and they do exsist. Trouble is? What ones there are? They tend to already have beem taken, and the one that have them? They plan on hanging on to them for a good long while and your just about going to have to kill them to get them away from them.

 

When one does pop up on "the market" they don't stay on the market for long before someone snactches them up.

 

Forget this Fool! What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! Even if you end single and alone? You can't go wrong by yourself.

 

If you ever do take him back? Make him work for it, make him earn his way back. Make him walk and tow the line. Make him respect you.

 

I live in a college town, with about 6 or 7 thousand college students. Better than half of them are co-eds.

 

I'm also 53! I know my co-ed days are over, and even if I were to snatch one up? I would think she would be more than likely mentally, emotionally deficient. Have a "Daddy" complex, more than likely sexually molested either that or looking for a "Sugar Daddy" to help pay her way through college?

 

And I'm not all about that!

 

Even if she wasn't I don't believe I could put up with her more than about two or three days. I would get to listening to the "Doors" or "Led Zepplin" and she would be clueless.

 

Women get to a certain age? And they get to worrying because they don't look like they did when they were 18 or 22?

 

Let me clue you in? Height ~ weight proportinate + experience + a great attitude! With a great attitude being the number one thing.

Edited May 11, 2010 by Gunny376

[bstnsoxgirl]

Gunny,

Thank you so much for your most valuable input. (and a chuckle or two along the way!)

It's funny, because a lot of what you had said, I had thought of. I mean, what exactly does a 41 year old man have in common with a young girl like that and for that long? I could have maybe understood the initial excitement of it, but my gosh. It took a phone call to my home in the middle of the night to make him realize it had gone too far? Luckily it was in the middle of the night. What if it were during the day and one of my kids answered? This girl is only 4 years or so older than my son! She is a child...

I agree with the MLC statement as well. I have done a lot of reading on it and he certainly suits the age and the bill for going through one. Of course, as they all do, he denied that is what it is.

I am not sure if anything will happen, but I have already come to the conclusion you stated. IF I were to take him back (if he wanted to COME back) it would be on MY terms...Hell, I might even have to come up with NEW terms just to make him sweat! It would be back to the MC for both of us together and a lot of hard work. We are at least both in agreement that things would need to change. We agree that if we got back together, they could not just fall back to the way they were. That's a GOOD thing...At least that is clear.

Fact is, I am a good, decent, hard working woman who has more heart to give. I am a great mom and treat people with the best respect and care. I think my best qualities are how caring and loving I am. Everyone makes mistakes and most times those mistakes deserve to be corrected. It's a learning experience. It's what you LEARN and take away from that experience that proves what you will become.

Again, thank you so much for your wisdom, your expert knowledge and most of all, your sense of humor. That is what I admire in people so you are VERY TRULY admired!!

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

Well, I’m not real happy about the smack-down your Red Sox gave our beloved Twins, but I guess congratulations are in order.

 

I’m sorry about the direction your situation has taken. What is your goal here bstnsoxgirl? Have you and your husband committed to working on the marriage instead of the divorce through word and deed? It takes two, and neither of you can do it alone.

 

Is your IC helping you move toward your goals? As a lot of people here on LS will tell you, an IC is not a MC and not all are created equal. I found that out the hard way, too. If you go back to MC, make sure everyone is on the same page in regard to the purpose. This includes eliminating the school-boy crap your husband is pulling with his little friend(s) and secret life, MLC or not. Building back trust is hard enough with both people trying and impossible when one is not.

[bstnsoxgirl]

Hey LOTL. Glad to see you found me again...

 

Well, as for myself, I have slimmed down my trips to the IC as I feel I have gotten myself to the point I have wanted to come to. I am a better person, feel I have learned a lot about myself along this journey and have finally come to the realization I can't fix anyone but myself. I am the only one in control of ME. I will still go from time to time, even if it's just to "vent" what needs to be vented at that moment.

 

He told the MC he was going to go to IC but that was at least 4 weeks ago and hasn't been. (I asked him a couple of weeks ago) So that's not a help at all.

 

I guess what I had wanted to get out of this was my "life" back but it appears it is still slipping away. I can't do it alone as you have said. Our next court date is June 11th and we both understood it to mean that if all papers were in order on that date, it goes to the judge and 97% of the time he signs it and we'd have our decree in about a week. So, potentially I could very well be divorced by this time next month.

 

So as much as I have done, and as much as I don't want it all to end, I have come to the end of the road. With him moving out to his moms 3 months ago with no sign of wanting to return, it's over. I can't do anything but wave the white towel, know I did everything I could do to try to save it, but in the end, it's gone anyway. Tough pill to swallow, but sometimes we have to let things go when there is nothing more we can do.

 

Even though I love this man unconditionally, I love him enough to know it's over and I have to let him go......That, my friend, is the hardest part...Knowing I have given up MY needs/wants/hopes/dreams for somenoe else's "supposed" happiness.....

[bstnsoxgirl]

PS...

 

Thanks for the Red Sox comment....We've had a rough start so we'll take anyone down that we can!!

[sotagoon]

I can't do anything but wave the white towel, know I did everything I could do to try to save it, but in the end, it's gone anyway. Tough pill to swallow, but sometimes we have to let things go when there is nothing more we can do......

 

BSoxGirl....I have read this part of your post about 50 times in the last few hours....because I feel like I NEED to believe it is the right thing to do. I am a very loyal and devoted person...to a fault. I am also a huge beleiver in teh fact that a person obnly fails when they give up...I have never given up...nor had the luxury of having it as an option....and therefore hold on as long as I can....I'm so lost...it hurts!

 

 

Even though I love this man unconditionally, I love him enough to know it's over and I have to let him go......That, my friend, is the hardest part...Knowing I have given up MY needs/wants/hopes/dreams for somenoe else's "supposed" happiness.....

 

This part.....I just can't fathom....All I've ever wanted is for her to have the best life possible. I would give my life to make sure this happens. I want her to be healthy (Cancer) and live the life she deserves.

 

I just can't get a grip on the fact that she can mean this much to me....because I LOVE her unconditionally....and yet my pain is non-existent to her.

 

I know that loving her is not something that needs to be done in her midst...but GOD....I wish she could see this.

 

 

 

.........Sorry for the rant...just thought it'd maybe get me to stop the tears while I sit here typing.

 

BTW.....I know there is NO magic answer......but if youhave something that you hold onto that helps you understand why it's OK to GIVE UP/LET GO.....please share if you don't mind.

 

 

One last thing...I forgtot to mention....I know what you are going through....the "ONE SIDED FIGHT"....I've never fought myself before...maybe that's the problem....stop throwing punches at ourselves?????

[V1k1ng0]

I am a firm believer that when someone gets married they are supposed to forsake all others. Right??? I've worked with girls and they were acquaintences. It is what happens after you are not at work is what is a cause for concern, at least to me. I think by associating with a co-worker of the opposite sex after work and alone is very disrespectful.

[bstnsoxgirl]

V1K1ng0,

I am right there with you. I think that when you become "friends" with someone, in a healthy marriage, your spouse would know about this new friendship because you are still talking about day to day things. His response to me was that he could now see WHY I would find something wrong with it, but at the time, with the way he felt about me/the marriage, he saw nothing wrong with it. However, this does NOT explain WHY he would need to add her friends to his Facebook account, knowing how I felt about his friendship with her. This is what he doesn't seem to get. I can tell you, as a 41 year old woman, I have next to NOTHING in common (I'm guessing) with a 19 year old male. And even if I did for a short time, I can't imagine it going on for almost 8 months, AND travelling down to see him, leaving my kids behind. To hell with how he felt about ME at the time, what would his KIDS think of that?? My oldest son is 15! So we can certainly credit it to VERY poor decision making, to say the least...(and we'll leave it at that) And, yes, I will say betrayal and disrespect come into mind as well. Thank you for confirming that for me....Although I consider myself a very forgiving person, I know this will be difficult to ever forget, regardless of what happens to my marriage....

[Gunny376]

V1K1ng0,

I am right there with you. I think that when you become "friends" with someone, in a healthy marriage, your spouse would know about this new friendship because you are still talking about day to day things. His response to me was that he could now see WHY I would find something wrong with it, but at the time, with the way he felt about me/the marriage, he saw nothing wrong with it. However, this does NOT explain WHY he would need to add her friends to his Facebook account, knowing how I felt about his friendship with her. This is what he doesn't seem to get. I can tell you, as a 41 year old woman, I have next to NOTHING in common (I'm guessing) with a 19 year old male. And even if I did for a short time, I can't imagine it going on for almost 8 months, AND travelling down to see him, leaving my kids behind. To hell with how he felt about ME at the time, what would his KIDS think of that?? My oldest son is 15! So we can certainly credit it to VERY poor decision making, to say the least...(and we'll leave it at that) And, yes, I will say betrayal and disrespect come into mind as well. Thank you for confirming that for me....Although I consider myself a very forgiving person, I know this will be difficult to ever forget, regardless of what happens to my marriage....

 

I especially wanted to post to your latest post.

 

Where I work, there are two out of HS graduates. One of them just got married (married into money ~ early twenty something and already had bought and furnished a house ~ with FIL's money) and the other 19 shacking up about to get married.

 

I'm 53, was married for 12 years (having gotten married when I was 22) did twenty years in the Marine Corps?

 

And I look at these "Kids" and I'm thinking, "WTF do you know about being and getting married that I don't know after all of what I"ve gone through, seen, experienced, all of the formal, informal and training that I"ve been through ~ all of the books I've read about marriage, partnership, courtship, romance, sex, personal finance, etc ~ that I don't know?

 

How is it that in your teens and early twenties know about how to pull "marriage" off ~ that I don't know.

 

And I live in a University town ~ full of young early twenty-something co-eds. And I would be lying to say that somewhere in the back of my brain-housing group from back in my teens and twenties that I don't find them attractive? I would not be a man otherwise.

 

But I know my college co-ed days are done, did and over with.

 

Maybe ~ perhaps I could pull it off and catch me one or two up? Thing is? I've got a thirty year old daughter. I'm not going to disrespect her even if I could pull off.

 

Even then? A twenty something who gets with a fifty-three year old? She's got issues.

 

Either that or she's looking for a "Sugar-Daddy" to help her get through college.

 

Don't get me wrong! Sex is a great way to start off and finish the day!

 

But what are you going to do for the other twenty-three and half to three-quarter hours?

 

Relationships need to be about subsistence!

 

If your in it just for the sex? Your in it for all of the wrong reasons!