Very depressed: BF's disappearing

[Sapia]

I've been in an on-off LDR for a year and a half and the last time I saw him was 7 months ago when he came to visit me. I visited him a year ago, a month after we physically separated.

The big issue we have: he's the most insensitive boyfriend in the world who makes very little effort to just call me. I trust him and I know he's working hard (I've seen him work hard and as the opposite kind of a flirt when we were physically together), but I cannot take it anymore. I cried, cried, cried, and I still cry when I see he hasn't replied. It has to be only by my initiation until we work out our daily skype. He often complied, but rarely initiated. He doesn't realise that it's not polite to just leave me hanging waiting for his sms reply. He doesn't realise anything at all. He's completely lazy. I know he loves me. I can feel that. But I'm very depressed walking alone, eating alone and doing everything alone in my hometown where, surprisingly, I don't have many friends left. I waited the whole day to come home and burst out in tears knowing that I can't go on holiday (esp those nice beaches) like most people because I don't want to see happy couples there. I've been drowning myself with work, thinking being a workaholic with 3 cool/highly paid jobs would stop me from the obsession to always check my phone, with which I'm always disappointed. I even developed a habit of using my hand the rest of my iPhone screen when I'm unlocking it so that I don't have to see I've got no messages from him.

The second-last straw was my birthday two months ago, which he promised since last year to come for, but he never showed due to being broke. A few weeks ago he showed me his salary slips saying that he's got money to come now and his boss even said he can come. But he still hasn't made a move.

The last straw is the past week which he completely disappeared. He sent me a text yesterday that he left his phone in the coat that he left somewhere and he was so lucky to find it just now and was sad to be unable to contact me for a week. Maybe it's really true, but I really wonder, why he couldn't contact me other ways? He doesn't remember my number? His internet died also that's why he disappeared on skype too? He promised me to skype again this morning, but he wasn't online. I woke up at 5am for that.

Of all the bad things I wrote about him, you'd probably think I should just dump him right? It's extremely easy actually, just stop texting him and blocking him. Actually I did that many times, dumping him, with and without his realisation. It happened too often he didn't take it seriously anymore. My threat to break up means nothing. But as I mentioned before, I don't have friends here, and I feel very alienated. (I'm a very confident person but I think it's my cynicism and impossible work schedule that I end up alienating myself.) So everytime after my "dumping him", I ended up going back because I was too depressed not having him as a friend/boyfriend. I used to be diagnosed with medium serious depression a few years ago.

Right now, he still hasn't replied to my "break up" text.

[Itsnotme]

Forgive me but I'm going to cut to the chase here. Your bf is being seriously inconsistent and totally inconsiderate. Not making the effort to come and see you is one thing but not making the effort to contact you is unforgivable in my book. In an LDR, it is very very hard to maintain it without regular contact. Have you let him know just how all this is affecting you? If you have, then I have to say that all the signs are there that he is just not that committed anymore. I know that that is not want you want to hear.

 

You need to start making a life for yourself. You say that you are throwing yourself into work and are holding down three well paid jobs. Why not drop that down to two and do something for you? Start a hobby, join the gym, swimming etc. Make time for you now and stop looking for him to make you feel complete. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. We all have choices, it's just choosing the right ones.

 

I know that you are hurting and I feel for you but I would personally give him an ultimatum. Lay your cards on the table. He'll either realise what he's losing or he'll be set free. Either way, look after number one and start to live again.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Sapia]

Thanks itsnotme,

 

You're totally right about being inconsistent. The last text he sent before disappearing for a whole week (and sort of reappeared again yesterday) was "I love you too". And I know he means it cos he's not the sort of person who sweettalks all the ladies and gives them hope. He's not fluent in phones, computers and any other hi-techs. He's not much of a catch, I am. That's why all my friends are surprised, and misunderstood me that I'm insecure. I think it's my ego that I don't think it's right for him to ignore me (hence, my self-torture) and my extreme loneliness. I really have no one to talk to. Tried with my parents once, didn't work. They ignore the existence of my depression.

[onemorecupofcoffee]

Hi there. Reading your post completely brought me back to my ex because what you're going through now is EXACTLY EXACTLY what I went though with my ex. We dated for 7 months, long distance, then broke up around Thanksgiving, only to reconnect again the next summer, and break up again in December. We were long distance the entire time. The reason for the off and on? He was completely insensitive, inconsistent, and I was crying myself to sleep for loneliness and heartache just about every night. My girlfriend even told me that she doesn't feel like she respects me as much since I'd been dating him. She said that to my face!

 

I know all about the sparse visits. The second round we were dating, we only saw each other twice. Between June and Christmas. And get this: I live in NorCal, and my family and he lives in SoCal. I went home for Thanksgiving and he promised to come. He called me the night before and even said he'd see me the next day around 4pm. My mom even put out a plate for him. That plate remained empty the whole night. No call, no show. He had lost his cell in Vegas and I had no way of contacting him. You would think I broke up with him at this point, but after the weekend I was in SoCal with not a peep from him, I went back home to NorCal, called him up, and he was apologizing, saying he felt "weird" and didn't know what to do and he was so so sorry. I forgave him.

 

He never initiated conversations - I would be surprised when he would call. I checked my phone obsessively, and I completely understand when you talk about the constant disappointment with no messages. When he lost his cell and didn't get another one, I harbored this resentment that was eating me up inside. But I couldn't break up with him. I, like you, took on two more jobs to bury myself in work. My friends drifted during this time too. I thought well, since I'm not seeing him, might as well make money and keep busy...

 

So how did I finally end this relationship? It was Christmas the second year, and we had spent one day and one night together. He even went bowling with my family. After that night, I didn't hear from him at all. I don't even remember if, days later, I called him or he called me. All I know is that we talked about how unhappy I was for the 390248th time, and he told me he didn't know what he was feeling anymore. As soon as he said that, it hit me. If I'm with someone who didn't know how he was feeling, didn't know how to treat me, then I'm with someone who is stopping me from finding someone who does know. Because I deserve it.

 

He said he wanted to "sleep on this." But the next day, when we talked online (yes, online, he didn't even want to call), we both decided it was over. He still wasn't sure, but I told him that I was pretty sure.

 

The next couple months was hard, but what made it easier is I blocked him on Gchat, and wouldn't let myself talk to him. I sent him "letters" on LoveShack - "post here instead of writing to your ex" I went on and on about how much I missed him, but didn't tell him.

 

This was back in January 2009.

 

How am I doing now? In March, I found the love of my life. I said I would never do distance again, but guess what, this one lives in SoCal too. It's been 14 months, and we've talked every single day in those 14 months. I've met his parents (my ex never introduced me to his), and he's met mine. The distance is the same as my ex, yet I never, ever feel alone. He is so caring, involved, and he listens and really makes me feel like he wants to do the work to make this work.

 

I can sincerely compare the two and tell you that this guy is keeping you from meeting the right guy. My ex was not the kind to flirt with other girls either, and he was very low-tech, and not up to my standards. My current boyfriend is my perfect match, my friends and family love him, and so do I.

 

Depression is a terrible thing, and I'm sorry to hear you have it. I'm sure it complicates things, but trust me when I say you need to find the strength to leave him and rebuild your relationships with your friends. Friends are the best thing in cases like this, and they will restore your life back to you, while your current boyfriend is destroying it. And trust me when I say there is a light at the end of this tunnel!

[thisismystory]

Interestingly enough, I went through a similar experience as OneMoreCupofCoeffee. My ex bf (also LDR) was a complete jerk to me. He never called. He didn't make me happy at all. He was closed off and just a horrible person to everyone. I also blocked him and unblocked him every few days on AIM so that I wouldn't see him online. Seeing him online and not having him contact me for days on end was so painful. I was playing mind games with myself.

 

He was a real blow to my self-esteem. No one understood why I was with him. I struggled with breaking things off with him. I wasn't sure whether it was the distance or whether it was just a incompatibility issue. But when I got back home, I realized the relationship was not worth it, LDR or not.

 

My current bf now (LDR) is similar. Maybe it's a guy thing? But I know he loves me and he does show he cares once in a while. I think he just gets caught up in his work and life and stuff. I'm a bit confused about him, right now actually...but that's another story.

 

So it's tough. You know the status of your relationship best. Your bf may be a complete jerk or just REALLY oblivious to how relationships work.

I understand that you're depressed not having him as a boyfriend (if you guys break up). It's really hard distinguishing whether you're in it for the sake of being in a relationship or you're in it because you're happy with him. You're obviously not happy right now.

 

I echo what itsnotme said. I think you need to seriously talk to him about this issue -- on Skype or whatever. Doesn't matter if he's low-tech. Try to work things out. If he doesn't try or can't give you what you're looking for, then you have to look deep down in your heart whether you want to stay in this [one-person relationship]. It's tough but I hope you get through this, either with him or without him. I'm sure you'll come out stronger either way.

 

 

Good luck.

[lvixen]

I had a similar experience with my ex. He would rarely initiate contact with me, it was ME doing all the work in our LDR. He was also emotionally abusive, one time calling me "michilan girl". But having the low self-esteem I did, I still decided to move 2000 miles to live with him. Bad idea. I had a hard time finding a good job and that made me nervous. He basically kicked me out, told me he still loved me (yeah right) but told me to come back when I got "better". Two months after coming back home he told me out of sight out of mind and that he didn't love me anymore. You can read my story by going through my previous posts.

 

Stay away from this guy. He is insensitive, cruel and probably doesn't love you, even though you "feel" he does.

[Sapia]

Thank you so much onemorecupofcoffee and thisismystory for sharing your relevant experiences. This is exactly what I've been looking for. People without the same experience often jump into conclusion that I have low self-esteem and that my bf is a complete jerk. I'm particularly offended by the "low self-esteem" label by strangers as I'm a very confident person. Actually I think my super-ego and perfectionism is what got me in this mess in the first place. I know it's childish but I just didn't want to lose. I felt that a guy like him should be pampering me or doing everything to keep me not the other way around. I still don't know how to "fix" this mentality of mine. It's unhealthy to be perfectionist all the time I know. This (perfectionism) is one of the main part of my depression; the other is 'extreme loneliness'

 

As opposed to your experiences (which I assume are all in the US?), I'm in Asia and he's in Europe (with 5-6 hour difference). So I cut him some slack sometimes. But many times I feel his being "out of touch" is unreasonable and inexcusable. He's working as a personal assistant/driver for world leaders and he said he has to keep his personal cell in a locker because he can't afford to answer calls/sms while driving for the VIPs, which is understandable. I told him I don't have problems while he's at work, but what's the logic for not contacting me 'after' work? We also have the time diff to add to the already difficult relationship.

 

To answer your question, thisismystory, he's more oblivious rather than a jerk. He's older (in his late 40's) and never married. I get the feeling that he really doesn't know how to behave in relationships that's why it never worked out with his long-term ex's. But he can be very sweet sometimes, and that's what keeps me with him still. He would send daily texts of "good morning" "I love/miss you" etc. But they don't come everyday as we now know him to be inconsistent. He used to call me at odd hours (see? oblivious to my timezone) sometimes. He also printed out a draft of my book and kept it with him while working. And my birthday that he missed, he sent a birthday parcel.

 

So far, he has already replied, but still no explanation why he didn't try to contact me other ways when he lost his cell. We still haven't talked with "voice" yet.

 

As I mentioned, I'm still dealing with my depression and now the only cure to it would be taking a break from all the work and go on a holiday with him. I think I'll wait until he comes, go on that beach trip I've been dreaming for forever, and after that I can convert it into "open relationship (on my end, without his knowledge, since he doesn't care much anyway)" or dump him later if he's out of touch again.

 

Thanks again for all your replies. You really did help me thru the depressing nights.

[Sapia]

Latest Update: I just dumped him for a gazillionth time, really really hope I'm strong enough unlike before.

He texted me yesterday "Call you tomorrow honey. Don't panic. I love you.". It's already today but of course as I cynically/realistically expected, no text, no call.

So I texted him back that it's been like I expected from him. And I said don't bother just forget it we're not a couple anymore. We're not a couple for 2 weeks that we didn't talk now.

How can I go to the beach now without a guy? There's no more excuse for a holiday in Europe! Visiting my boyfriend sounds like a better reason to go to Europe than just visiting friends. And visiting friends is very different. How can I cure my extreme loneliness then?

[onemorecupofcoffee]

Good for you! Maintain NO CONTACT. Like you dropped off the face of the earth to him. Some ways I coped with my loneliness right after was to write posts in the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread on LoveShack. Also, although visiting friends is different from visiting your boyfriend, think of it as even BETTER. First of all, friends are there for you no matter what. They are really the reason I got through. I booked a trip on valentine's day to go to New York City to visit friends, because at that time I thought to myself, "**** valentine's day. I'm getting drunk in NYC."

 

Was the best time of my life. I was single, working the bars, having fun with friends, exploring a new place, and it remains one of the best decisions I'd ever made.

 

And the other thing about keeping a lot of friends around and hanging out with them is that friends introduce you to new friends... the way I met my (amazing) boyfriend is through my best friend. If I were "attached" at the time to someone else, we would have never ended up together. To be honest, I would be kicking myself if I lost the chance to know what it is like to be with my current man, because I have never felt so loved.

 

So stick with your friends, embrace the joys of the single life, and look forward to the excitement of finding someone new, and finding yourself as well!

[onemorecupofcoffee]

I get the feeling that he really doesn't know how to behave in relationships that's why it never worked out with his long-term ex's. But he can be very sweet sometimes, and that's what keeps me with him still. He would send daily texts of "good morning" "I love/miss you" etc. But they don't come everyday as we now know him to be inconsistent. He used to call me at odd hours (see? oblivious to my timezone) sometimes. He also printed out a draft of my book and kept it with him while working. And my birthday that he missed, he sent a birthday parcel.

 

Also, I know he's not a jerk or a bad guy at heart. The bottom line is that you deserve better, someone who knows how to treat you the way you want to be treated.

 

I just want to say this because I fell into the trap of always justifying his behavior with the, "he's such a good guy at heart and he loves me" line. While that is good and all, it's not enough And what I also did was make a list of things I needed in a guy (not wanted, but needed), and that I deserved. And he did not measure up, sorry to say. My guy now doesn't fulfill ALL the "items" on the list either, but no one is perfect and sometimes the imperfections are just as well loved as the perfections.

 

Anyway, just wanted to add that in there

[2sunny]

good for you! stay strong... even if he contacts now, don't respond. keep thinking - too little, too late.

 

he had every chance and showed minimal effort (if that). it seems that's not enough for you - so really you two are just mismatched.

 

since you are mismatched - accept that. move forward and find a better match for yourself - one that you will be capable of being happy with.

 

you should never need to beg and plead your man to pay attention to you. when it's right - it won't be a battle.

 

go on - be happy! you deserve more than this guy could give.

[thisismystory]

To echo what everyone else said, good for you, Sapia! It's a tough decision, but it'll be better in the long run I find that it's easier to get over a guy when they didn't treat me right in the relationship. I'm sure in time, you'll forget about him and have fun.

 

But for now, no contact!

 

Also, as in addendum to OneMoreCupofCoffee says, I think guys like your ex-bf are appealing because they're bad at relationships. They treat you badly (knowingly or unknowingly) and you feel horrible, but the rare times they treat you well, you get this sort of "high". I think that was what attracted me to my ex. Then I realized the type of guys I would swoon over in Asian dramas is not the same type I want to be with. Don't let that "high" get to you, because what follows are "lows."

 

Go shopping. Get yourself a new haircut. Watch a lot of TV. Have fun in Europe.

[Sapia]

Crying my heart out. Can't sleep. Gotta work tomorrow morning but can't sleep. No one to talk to, all asleep. Please help.