ex wants casual but knows she will want more, and thus doesn't want anything...

[EthanH]

Hi everyone,

 

sure you are bored about reading about my almost comical rollercoaster of emotions...

 

I spoke to my ex two nights back. One of my really good friends was through for the weekend, he is a guy who I have probably spoken to most about things, mainly because he went through a similar thing, and because he isn't friends with my ex (most of my friends here are mutual friends with her)... and he met up with her, without telling me as he felt many of those here had the wrong view of how I felt, and wanted to speak to her about things. They chatted for 4 hours! They then come back to my flat, and he said she wanted to talk to me. She was pretty open, said her chatting to him was the first time she has really chatted to anyone properly about the situation since we broke up in mid February. Said it was amazing as it was clear that they both knew me really well. None of her friends, both here and back home are able to chat to her, as she initially lets off this air of not wanting to talk, but once you get past that, she opens up.

 

She told me she didn't want to be in a relationship. My friend told me she just has this bad view of relationships now, she sees them as such toxic things, especially in this town where due to it's size, and the fact that most are students with plenty of spare time, most couples spend a stupid amount of time together. She doesn't want that kind of relationship.

 

And here is the main point I want to ask you about:

 

She said she still liked me. She said she wasn't happy atm (she has bitten down her nails to the skin and has put on a lot of weight from comfort eating) but she feels better at least knowing that she isn't hurting me by being with me when she isn't sure what she wants. She admits that what both of us want is to be in a casual thing (by that we both mean, hooking up, going for dates, being exclusive to each other, but at the same time getting on with our lives)... but she says she knows that if that happened, she would crave for more, she would want me to reassure her, would want to spend more time with me, would want something more serious. But then as soon as that happened, she would get scared again and run. It's like a vicious circle, which I have no idea what to do to stop.

 

How do I reply to this? What I want is something which is casual but open-ended, something which means we are both having fun but might lead to more in the future, but something which isn't specified now, or probably for a long long time, and something which neither of us will probably think about until then. She says she wants to be fair to me, that she thinks i should deserve a girl who is 100% certain, but I don't care, I want her.

 

She has some really important exams coming up. The friend told me how scared she was about them. She told him that she misses talking to me as I was the one she really confided in when she was scared/upset, and her friends, while great are pretty limited when it comes to speaking about things, they have their own issues/worries etc and normally speak about themselves rather than her. I told her I would be there for me if she needed me in the run-up to exams, and I know that if he did want to meet up, i would just chat with her and not mention anything to do with us...I really want to help her while she is struggling academically, and I'm totally honest when I say I wouldn't have any ulterior motive.

 

the other thing she asked me was what it would take if we got back together, for me to say 'it's not working, I don't want this'... she told my friend that she felt almost that she could have punched me in the face, and I would have still wanted to date her. Maybe that was true then, but it's not now, but how do I prove it. Surely the only way to prove that is to act...and for that to happen, we would need to be together...?

 

advice please.

[northstar1]

Not sure what has changed here Ethan. It seems she's still giving excuses.

 

She's still immature and doesn't know what she wants. Her circular logic (I want casual because I truly want more, but if I have more, I'l run again, but I want more) is flawed. She is fooling herself and more importantly, YOU.

 

You are fooling yourself if you are trying to tell us you want casual and open.

 

If you wanted casual you wouldn't have spent a month in agony and posting here for advice. You want her as a committed girlfriend.

 

You've asked for advice here, but how much of it sinks in I'm not sure, and I get it, you want her at all costs, no matter how little or much she is offering you.

 

If that's what you are willing to accept, then try casual with her, but I can almost guarantee you're headed to more heartache in the future.

 

You are so worried about her moving on that you are deluding yourself that you're okay with her selfish pity fest.

[Chochobong]

Anything less than 100% should be unacceptable. You clearly want more and she can't give you that. You want to gamble against the odds and her words that she will feel something different this 3rd(?) time around and won't run away in the end. Don't set yourself up for another heartache.

 

You're young and in college. Stop chasing someone who can't give you what you truly want. Be honest with yourself and the reality of the situation. You have the rest of your life ahead of you to find your own happiness and fulfillment - you can't rely on someone else to provide that for you.

Edited May 11, 2010 by Chochobong

[GrayClouds]

E what part of NC do you not understand?

 

And do not tell me it is not cut and dry, that your situation is different, that you know, think, believe been told that she still wants you, she need just a little space, she confused.

 

She is playing you like Keith Richards plays a guitar.

 

Sorry I know you do not want to hear it but the advice you need to start following is:

 

So you want a second chance?

 

Stop doing this to yourself, you deserve better.

Edited May 11, 2010 by GrayClouds

[mickleb]

Understand that, if people don't want to commit, no-one can make them.

 

It wouldn't be a waste of your time to read 'He's Scared, She's Scared'. It's very good at presenting the myriad of excuses used by people who can't commit.

 

I don't give a flying f*ck what her reasons are. The bottom line is the same: she cannot give you what you truly want.

 

Don't make it harder on yourself. It's already very, very painful.

 

x

[Ronni_W]

She admits that what both of us want is to be in a casual thing (by that we both mean, hooking up, going for dates, being exclusive to each other, but at the same time getting on with our lives)... but she says she knows that if that happened, she would crave for more, she would want me to reassure her, would want to spend more time with me, would want something more serious.

Ethan,

Possibly the reason she is so freakin' confused is because you both have a distorted view of what a "casual thing" is. What you described as you both wanting (underlined), is basically what a HEALTHY, SERIOUS, REAL relationship looks like...you'd just need to add a few shakes of mutual desire, respect, support and trust.

 

(Just because you guys decided to refer to the sex as "hooking up" does not make it meaningless or cheap. It's your feelings for each other, and what you each want out of the rest of the relationship that counts to make it "serious".)

 

So, that's your first major problem: Consciously, she does NOT want a serious relationship...but what you guys are talking about is actually a serious relationship, nevermind that you're both using words to pretend like it's not.

 

Your second major problem is that she has discovered exactly what to say to you to control and manipulate you (your thoughts and feelings) and keep you on a string like her puppet. She's feeding you bullcrap...but you're eating it up like, like it's a chocolate sundae with cherries on top. Give your head a shake, Ethan.

 

You are allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated. Unless you immediately do something drastic to stop what's happening to you, you are really going to hate yourself in the morning! For God's Sake, man, get yourself some dignity and respect. Otherwise, you are soooo not going to be very happy with yourself whenever you do finally see and accept the truth of this situation!