Delila Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I had an online affair. My Husband is nothing short of amazing, and I am indeed an idiot. I used to be so resolute, and against cheating. But, I started talking to a guy online and adored the attention. I tried to keep things impersonal and without feeling, but lots of risque and obscene talking/pictures...even webcams a couple of times. I don't feel attached to this person, and I never cared about them, or led them to believe I cared. I just loved the attention. I've stopped talking to this online guy, but the guilt is terrible. I feel like I should confess everything to my Husband, but I also am unsure if maybe it's selfish of me to release the guilt, and hurt him. Some background? My Husband is in the military and currently serving in the middle east. Yep. I'm a d-bag. Not to justify my actions, I do feel that it's pertinent to mention I'm in the lowest place I've ever been in my entire life. While he's been gone I've gone through a lot of traumatic things. Death of a parent, personal assaults...you get the picture. Do I tell my husband? I just want to stop feeling dirty. How long do I deserve to feel dirty for?
carhill Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Since H is deployed, I'd suggest first getting some help with your attention problem. IMO, everyone likes attention, to feel valued, but you engaged in *sexual* attention seeking, a far different animal. Counseling could help you with that psychology, and with a methodology and timing of sharing your issues with your H. My sympathies regarding your losses. Are you in your 20's and do you have children? Welcome to LS
Author Delila Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 I recently started seeing a counselor, it's helping with some issues for sure. I am in my early twenties, and thankfully we do not have children. Thank you.
carhill Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 When do you expect your H stateside again? IMO, this isn't about 'telling', it's about fundamentally changing a part of your psychology wrt validation. Understanding why you H's love and devotion, though now at a distance due to his deployment, isn't (or wasn't) sufficient for you. If you can resolve that, a good question to ask the counselor and discuss would be the value of silence versus that of disclosure. Even though there was no 'sex talk', the *feelings* around my EA de-prioritized my M and, with disclosure, was a part of its end. I hope you'll examine that dynamic (your version of it) within IC and find some peace and direction. Another suggestion, without disclosing, would be to find support within the community of your fellow military spouses. Perhaps establishing strong friendships with others similarly challenged can benefit you. Hope it works out
bentnotbroken Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Do not tell your husband anything that will distract him while he needs to be completely focused on his job. That would be even more selfish than what you have already done. As another poster suggests, get into counseling, deal with your issues and prepare to tell him the truth once he is home.
Author Delila Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 When do you expect your H stateside again? IMO, this isn't about 'telling', it's about fundamentally changing a part of your psychology wrt validation. Understanding why you H's love and devotion, though now at a distance due to his deployment, isn't (or wasn't) sufficient for you. If you can resolve that, a good question to ask the counselor and discuss would be the value of silence versus that of disclosure. Even though there was no 'sex talk', the *feelings* around my EA de-prioritized my M and, with disclosure, was a part of its end. I hope you'll examine that dynamic (your version of it) within IC and find some peace and direction. Another suggestion, without disclosing, would be to find support within the community of your fellow military spouses. Perhaps establishing strong friendships with others similarly challenged can benefit you. Hope it works out Thank you. You've raised a really good point about the validation. I knew that, but hadn't put it into words yet.
Author Delila Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Do not tell your husband anything that will distract him while he needs to be completely focused on his job. That would be even more selfish than what you have already done. As another poster suggests, get into counseling, deal with your issues and prepare to tell him the truth once he is home. I knew that if I were to tell him it would not be until he were home. Also, I've recently started counseling.
JustJoe Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 OP, as a soldier, I agree with Carhill , about waiting to tell him, until after his deployment is over. But at some time, you will have to tell him, to make yourself feel better. You won't be much of a wife if you don't have any self -esteem, and he deserves to know. You on-line talk should not be anything he would get too upset about, and if you show that you are working on your problems, and are committed to him, I think you will be able to overcome this "blip", and move on.:)
seibert253 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 The truth shall set you free! You will be amazed how much better you will feel when the burden of the guilt you are carrying is set free. Though when you tell him, you're opened a whole other can of worms. He needs to know, but IMO you should do it in person, when he's home. While he's gone, work on fixing you so you can show him you're serious about fixing this.
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