Toki Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 So tonight concludes the end of my fifth unsuccessful relationship... and I just don't really have the time to care. I sometimes wonder if I'm a heartless bastard, that event though the relationship lasted for six months, I of all things, feel relieved it ended, it should have ended months ago... but I guess I just didn't care that much. Is it weird that I care so little? I mean, I guess it was a relationship of convenience, there really wasn't a wow factor, and she was a frosty b*tch when it came to the bedroom. So I'm guessing the feeling was mutual. You know the thing that hurts the most, is that I never even tried to fall in love with her, she was just so... mediocre for me, and she deserves someone that appreciates her for her. Six months gone, and what do I got to show for it? Not much. I never had to spend a dime, it just seems like each time I do this stupid routine, I just don't care as much, it's like I'm becoming immune to being hurt. Frag it. I'm going for a walk.
GrayClouds Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 (edited) The good news is now you have time to really figure out why you would fear intimacy and depth in a relationship so much you would peruse one that in your own words you really did not care about. Though that would take real courage, passion and hard work, which is everything you did not put in you last relationship. Edited May 11, 2010 by GrayClouds
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Just speculations but perhaps as you say, you are becoming immune to being hurt. Building walls and defences that make it almost impossible for you to love. I think i'm doing the same, I wonder if love will ever be able to breach that again. I think it becomes a real choice to say you'll be open-minded to emotions and to love, and not turn away from them. That said, feelings, chemistry, love - do tend to come out of the blue and take you by suprise. Perhaps you didn't leave enough time between relationships, perhaps there are feelings/fears you have not yet let go. Maybe partly deep down you do not want a relationship and are commitmentphobic. I read something before, sorry I can't give you a link, that commitmentphobes seek out other commitmentphobes so that they can blame the failure of the relationship on the other person in some way, and never face up to the fact that they share the same problem. None of this may apply to you, but it might do.
mickleb Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Toki- You've already done a lot of work on yourself. I really commend you for it but, in answer to your question, yes - it is weird that you care so little. The question would be, do you want to care more? What do you want out of a romantic relationship? If you know (specifically, honestly) what you truly desire, it will be much easier for you to find it. (And us to help you.) RSVP x
Author Toki Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Toki- You've already done a lot of work on yourself. I really commend you for it but, in answer to your question, yes - it is weird that you care so little. The question would be, do you want to care more? What do you want out of a romantic relationship? If you know (specifically, honestly) what you truly desire, it will be much easier for you to find it. (And us to help you.) RSVP x Hey Mickelb, thanks for the vote of confidence. I don't know if I want to care more, it was like I was she really wanted this relationship to happen for a long time, but it felt forced for me, I cannot name one thing about this girl (except her exceptional writing skills) that made me think "this is the right one!" She was quiet, socially awkward, and lacked any semblance of confidence. In the beginning, I did try to make her feel better about herself, but she never really opened up to me, and in the end it came off as though she was dull, and uninteresting. After awhile, I just stopped caring, it almost became like a task to be around her, rather than a pleasure sort of thing. I guess it didn't bode well to begin with, but neither of us were brave enough to cut the string early. About a week ago, we just stopped talking, it was like communication was done, and I finally just told her I wasn't emotionally capable of being there for her. However, I don't feel as though she gave enough on her part, for me to warrant feeling guilty about letting her go. What I have decided by the end of this, is that I'm not sure I really want to be in any sort of romantic relationship anymore. I'm going under this transitional phase, where it's like I feel I don't even want to be with anyone. Sure, I like having friends and all, but the idea of being a bachelor for the rest of my life doesn't seem like such a lonely existence. By the time I'm done with College, I can go wherever I want to go, and I don't have to worry about being held back but some bland, and totally uninspiring relationship. Basically, the only thing that would change my mind on this is if I met someone that was adventurous, inspiring, and who I felt was beautiful. This previous relationship had none of those things, and it seems like I totally copped out because I was too concerned about pleasing my familiars than I was about my own happiness, I got the idea in my head that I needed to be in a relationship, or needed a companion in order to find happiness. However, it seems like at the end of this long road, the only companion I really need to be happy is myself, and good random people I meet along the way. Maybe in years to come, I'll find someone who melts my heart, but if not, I don't think that it would bother me. Some people never find the kind of love that a relationship has to offer, and some people are content with that. I might just be one of those people.
GrayClouds Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I got the idea in my head that I needed to be in a relationship, or needed a companion in order to find happiness. However, it seems like at the end of this long road, the only companion I really need to be happy is myself, and good random people I meet along the way. Maybe in years to come, I'll find someone who melts my heart, but if not, I don't think that it would bother me. Some people never find the kind of love that a relationship has to offer, and some people are content with that. I might just be one of those people. I suspect on your on to something, that after doing the work you have your one of the few who have discovered that you do not need to be in a realtionship at all cost to distract you from yourself. This realtionship may have be a last vestige of a old attitude, one that you have grown beyond. If true, it is not your lake of ability to love but what you have now is empowered yourself not to settle for less then what you want. Until then you can be happy to be on your own. It is a postion that all of us on LS should be work towards. So while I can offer a sorry for the end of the realtionship, I think I should offer a congratulations on what it may mean. You have worked hard.
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