MizzBlue72 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Another post on here tonight really got me thinking. I told my sister about the affair right before Thanksgiving last year. She told my family - in short, it was horrible. My mom was so angry and hurt. She didn't raise me to lie or cheat -- neither did my dad. I spoke to the MM and told him about this at that time. I was a wreck. He offered to fly out here and to be with me - I said no. I couldn't deal with it at the time. I did tell him then though - that I am done with the lies. Done with the lies to everyone, to my family ... to me. Well - fast forward 7 months and I am still in a relationship with him. Many things have changed. He is STBD. He now lives here in my state. I know he loves me - and I love him too. . . . . But I still feel like a dirty little secret. I am still lying to everyone - except My best friend. She wants me to take care of me - and get over this guy already. I can't. I really, truly can not. I love him. He has his life, I have mine, and we still carve out time to be together. But I am still lying - to everyone in my life, including myself. Is there a point in time when enough is enough and the lies have to stop? I can come clean to all in my life - tell them to take me or leave me. I am just not sure that I want to do this. MM is still very confused - not sure what he wants in regards to me. We still love each other - but .... How do you deal with this? Are you in the same situation? I really could use some insight now.
BB07 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Ahhh MizzBlue72, I get where you are coming from, believe me I do! I'm sorry but I don't have any words of wisdom, but I understand. My man is STBD also, but it's been dragging on for way too long. The stbx has been a real pill for him to deal with concerning the loose ends. He and I have been dating this time around for about 1 1/2 years and we didn't start seeing each other until 8 months after the separation, but there is always the affair that happened years ago hanging over our heads. I'm yet to meet his family, although they do know about me although not the prior circumstances. He and I have never talked about it but I wonder what we are going to say when how we met comes up. I do NOT want to lie and I won't but yet there will be things I won't say. It's that omission thing again, and I hate it. He has met some of my family and they all like him, and my siblings know of the circumstances, but my mother does not and as far as that goes, that isn't something I can ever tell her. It would break her heart. I hate it.......and it makes me feel like I'm lying by omission, which I am when all is said and done. I don't know about you, but I foresaw some of these problems but there are lots of others that I had no idea about and didn't consider. Sometimes I lie awake at night and worry......which I know is pointless because it does no good and we will just have to take one day at a time. Hugs......MizzBlue72, I feel for you.
OWoman Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I can come clean to all in my life - tell them to take me or leave me. I am just not sure that I want to do this. Why is your private life anybody's business but your own? I've never discussed any of my Rs with my family. And I've always told my friends as much, or as little, as I've wanted or needed to at the time. I've seen the impact when families don't approve of the R - my H's family really disliked his xW and as a result he was pretty isolated from them for decades, and saw them on his own (with the kids) rather than with her, because it was just easier all round. But you're not M to this guy (yet?) and there's no reason for them to have to include him in anything at this stage - so why is he even an issue? If they care more about their own prejudices than their daughter / sister, I'm not sure I'd want to be that close to them anyway.
greengoddess Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Why is your private life anybody's business but your own? I've never discussed any of my Rs with my family. And I've always told my friends as much, or as little, as I've wanted or needed to at the time. I've seen the impact when families don't approve of the R - my H's family really disliked his xW and as a result he was pretty isolated from them for decades, and saw them on his own (with the kids) rather than with her, because it was just easier all round. But you're not M to this guy (yet?) and there's no reason for them to have to include him in anything at this stage - so why is he even an issue? If they care more about their own prejudices than their daughter / sister, I'm not sure I'd want to be that close to them anyway. This post gave me the shivers. It is so cold and unfeeling of anyones feelings. It's not people's prejudice, it's peoples morals and the desire to care and do right by other people. Screwing a married man is not doing right by his wife and children. I would be very upset if my daughter chose to be with a married man. I brought her up to be proud and stand up tall not hide in the shadows and accept what she can get from a man. Mizblue if he is living in your state now and soon to be divorced why does your bestfriend want you to get over him? I don't understand that. It sounds like it will work out for you in the end. Does she have a reason to think he is no good? Did you outright lie to your family and tell them you are not seeing him any longer? I think it is time to fess up and talk to them. Tell them you are still seeing him, are in love and that he is getting divorced. Stop hiding. That part is over. If he is divorcing he should be proud to have you on his arm and vice versa. Is there a reason you two aren't proudly together now if his marriage is ending?
BlueeyedJonesy Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Mizzblue, this is exactly where I would be if I chose to get involved with a MM..to my family and my closest friends I am an open book. There are some things we probably shouldn't talk about but that's how my mom and my sister's personalities are.... My mom would react the same way if not worse because of my fathers infidelities. If they love you, they will accept you NO MATTER WHAT! If you will be happier with the outcome then the truth will certainly set you free.
fooled once Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 This post gave me the shivers. It is so cold and unfeeling of anyones feelings. It's not people's prejudice, it's peoples morals and the desire to care and do right by other people. Screwing a married man is not doing right by his wife and children. I would be very upset if my daughter chose to be with a married man. I brought her up to be proud and stand up tall not hide in the shadows and accept what she can get from a man. Mizblue if he is living in your state now and soon to be divorced why does your bestfriend want you to get over him? I don't understand that. It sounds like it will work out for you in the end. Does she have a reason to think he is no good? Did you outright lie to your family and tell them you are not seeing him any longer? I think it is time to fess up and talk to them. Tell them you are still seeing him, are in love and that he is getting divorced. Stop hiding. That part is over. If he is divorcing he should be proud to have you on his arm and vice versa. Is there a reason you two aren't proudly together now if his marriage is ending? I agree with this. It is telling if you can't talk to your friends/family about your 'boyfriend'. I don't know many people who don't want to talk about the special person in their life. Seems strange to me. My parents didn't like my ex, but that didn't mean I hid away from them. BOTH my ex and my family (parents/siblings) are parts of my life. If I didn't have them to talk to, to share with, to get advice from, that to me is a pretty empty life. MissB, there is a reason why you can't talk to them....is it because you are ashamed of how you and he came to be? Is it because he isn't divorced (including emotionally divorced) from his ex? Do your friends/family see a reason why you shouldn't be with him, besides the married part?
Author MizzBlue72 Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Ahhh MizzBlue72, I get where you are coming from, believe me I do! I'm sorry but I don't have any words of wisdom, but I understand. My man is STBD also, but it's been dragging on for way too long. The stbx has been a real pill for him to deal with concerning the loose ends. He and I have been dating this time around for about 1 1/2 years and we didn't start seeing each other until 8 months after the separation, but there is always the affair that happened years ago hanging over our heads. I'm yet to meet his family, although they do know about me although not the prior circumstances. He and I have never talked about it but I wonder what we are going to say when how we met comes up. I do NOT want to lie and I won't but yet there will be things I won't say. It's that omission thing again, and I hate it. He has met some of my family and they all like him, and my siblings know of the circumstances, but my mother does not and as far as that goes, that isn't something I can ever tell her. It would break her heart. I hate it.......and it makes me feel like I'm lying by omission, which I am when all is said and done. I don't know about you, but I foresaw some of these problems but there are lots of others that I had no idea about and didn't consider. Sometimes I lie awake at night and worry......which I know is pointless because it does no good and we will just have to take one day at a time. Hugs......MizzBlue72, I feel for you. Thanks BB. I did foresee these problems, and I agreed to them, so if I am in, I'm all in and I have to get over it already. That's where we are - one day at a time ... and I don't know sometimes how to keep it going.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Why is your private life anybody's business but your own? I've never discussed any of my Rs with my family. And I've always told my friends as much, or as little, as I've wanted or needed to at the time. I've seen the impact when families don't approve of the R - my H's family really disliked his xW and as a result he was pretty isolated from them for decades, and saw them on his own (with the kids) rather than with her, because it was just easier all round. But you're not M to this guy (yet?) and there's no reason for them to have to include him in anything at this stage - so why is he even an issue? If they care more about their own prejudices than their daughter / sister, I'm not sure I'd want to be that close to them anyway. Thanks OWoman. I confided in sister because it was one of her 'opening up' times with me. I needed to talk - I hadn't talked to anyone. I should have known. You are right - there is no reason for family to include him. And no - we both agreed - I know for a fact I will never marry again. He says the same. He may some day, but it won't be to me. I love him, and it hurts me to think of him with someone else, but years to come, if that is what he needs (to be married) I will be happy for him. And no ill feelings towards him. Why did I open up?? Oh hells, I don't know!!! I guess if it is something that I can live with, and something I agreed to - then I need to keep my mouth shut and just live for the time that we have with each other.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 [quote=greengoddess;2787880 Mizblue if he is living in your state now and soon to be divorced why does your bestfriend want you to get over him? My friends have seen the hard part of me in tears over this. They don't want to see me hurt anymore. They know that I am happy, but that I am torn. Do I be true to who I am? I love him - they know this, and they have seen the ups and downs of this for almost 2 yrs. They have also heard of the grat times that we have now, and they know that I love him - and that he loves me. I don't understand that. It sounds like it will work out for you in the end. Does she have a reason to think he is no good? Did you outright lie to your family and tell them you are not seeing him any longer? Yes - I have told my family that I am not seeing him any longer. Look - I love him. And I love my family. He can walk away - he has no ties to me, but I do to my family. I just can't tell my family the truth. As much as they love me, they do not understand. They never ever would. I think it is time to fess up and talk to them. Tell them you are still seeing him, are in love and that he is getting divorced. Stop hiding. That part is over. If he is divorcing he should be proud to have you on his arm and vice versa. Is there a reason you two aren't proudly together now if his marriage is ending? I want to be proudly with him. And we are when we are out together - we have just not integrated our lives - our friends, families. I'm not sure that I want to do that if I know that he is unsure of what he wants and we are taking this day by day.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Mizzblue, this is exactly where I would be if I chose to get involved with a MM..to my family and my closest friends I am an open book. There are some things we probably shouldn't talk about but that's how my mom and my sister's personalities are.... My mom would react the same way if not worse because of my fathers infidelities. If they love you, they will accept you NO MATTER WHAT! If you will be happier with the outcome then the truth will certainly set you free. Thanks BEJ Maybe someday ... today is not the day. I'm not ready. I'm not sure what the future holds. This man - I know that we were both married when we started out - yes, not a good place to start. I will get to being an open book someday ... but today is just not the day.
greengoddess Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I bet they suspect you are still seeing him. I'm sure you have not brought up any new love interests so they probably know but have chosen to leave it be and keep the peace. Talk to them. It's your family. If you can't face your own family then you can't face the world with him and it's time to move on.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 You are right. If I am going to be proud of this relationship - I need to come clean. Just trying to weigh out the pros and cons ....
GreenEyedLady Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 You are right. If I am going to be proud of this relationship - I need to come clean. Just trying to weigh out the pros and cons .... If you want this R to work, you must come clean with yourself. You cannot expect a R that is buried under the sand to see the light of day. Never lie to yourself. It is, what it is. People will grow to respect that. But if you and he cannot respect it, no one will. You will just be another couple slated for a short duration. It takes strength and will to say this is "us" and we love "us." GEL
pureinheart Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Another post on here tonight really got me thinking. I told my sister about the affair right before Thanksgiving last year. She told my family - in short, it was horrible. My mom was so angry and hurt. She didn't raise me to lie or cheat -- neither did my dad. I spoke to the MM and told him about this at that time. I was a wreck. He offered to fly out here and to be with me - I said no. I couldn't deal with it at the time. I did tell him then though - that I am done with the lies. Done with the lies to everyone, to my family ... to me. Well - fast forward 7 months and I am still in a relationship with him. Many things have changed. He is STBD. He now lives here in my state. I know he loves me - and I love him too. . . . . But I still feel like a dirty little secret. I am still lying to everyone - except My best friend. She wants me to take care of me - and get over this guy already. I can't. I really, truly can not. I love him. He has his life, I have mine, and we still carve out time to be together. But I am still lying - to everyone in my life, including myself. Is there a point in time when enough is enough and the lies have to stop? I can come clean to all in my life - tell them to take me or leave me. I am just not sure that I want to do this. MM is still very confused - not sure what he wants in regards to me. We still love each other - but .... How do you deal with this? Are you in the same situation? I really could use some insight now. Hi MB...your post is one of the heart, very profound IMO. I think it's great that your family wants you to succeed...this is great and right, although being in your shoes and having to hide sooooo much from my family because they could not handle the truth...this is sad IMO. EVERYBODY makes good and bad decisions, and I think it is pathetic that you or I DID NOT have our family to turn to...no wonder you turn to MM. I fell off the pedestal at 14 and that's all she wrote and could not turn to my mother from that point on, this caused me not to trust many other people, it was quite damaging. My kids can come to me, or anyone else, and tell me anything...I may not like it, but the way I see it concerning my belief system, I can then pray about it so that they can have help...I can then help them in some manor...you know? I think it is disturbing that some in this world is so freaking perfect that they are unapproachable, to me it's arrogance. ((((((hugs)))))) MD...hey BTW you've got a really good friend (the one you confide in)...he/she is a diamond.
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