In-The-Wheat Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Alright, well I have been all over the place emotionally the past month or so.. Good one day, absolutely torn up the next. I even got in an argument with a close friend the other night about how I've been acting & how I need to just get over it...Easier said than done. On the bright side, I have been about 32 days NC (she broke up with me - thru text, yep a text) & then proceeded to ignore my requests/messages/email to work things out. Cut me out of her life like I meant nothing... didn't exist. I've just been feeling really down lately about her. I haven't called, texted, FB messaged or anything, but recently went to the bar she works at (I really love this place) - just wanted to have fun & put on a big smile to let her know I was doing alright. I saw her working at the opposite end of the bar, it wasn't busy & I know she definitely saw me, but I just gave her the cold shoulder all night - which I think irritated her a little. Other than that, I've given her zero, nothing - why should I? I have a feeling its getting to her a little.. I also know she is seeing someone now - could be an ex, a rebound, or someone she hooked up with while we were dating, idk it doesn't matter really. I'm not jealous even which is weird. I actually laughed when I saw his picture - doesn't hold a candle to me and just gets me thinking really?? Him over me?... It still eats me up though why she broke up with me, out of the blue when things were going great - was she afraid it might work, did she think that she may get hurt again (not by me, she's been in bad r/s before) or was she scared? I never got an answer and probably wont ever. Anyway, not really sure what I'm looking for here. Am I doing alright and going about this the right way? Just some advice or something positive.. Thanks LS.
northstar1 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 You're doing a pretty good job here, and it is natural to still have feelings like this especially when she just decided to bail out. If she has had a bad history of relationships, maybe this is her habit. She isn't used to a heathly, good relationship. Maybe she has some insecurities and when things might not be right in her head, she takes off. Anyways, stay strong, you're getting there.
Author In-The-Wheat Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 (edited) You're doing a pretty good job here, and it is natural to still have feelings like this especially when she just decided to bail out. If she has had a bad history of relationships, maybe this is her habit. She isn't used to a heathly, good relationship. Maybe she has some insecurities and when things might not be right in her head, she takes off. Anyways, stay strong, you're getting there. Thanks for the response... yes, something was definitely bugging her before a few days before we split and she does have a history of bailing on people - but only when they have crossed her or done something hurtful. I did everything right, treated her great, was a great partner yet I am getting essentially the same treatment. It sucks.. all I want to do is reach out, yet again, and try to figure things out. Idk, maybe she'll come around but based on her past actions and her sense of pride its unlikely Edited May 11, 2010 by In-The-Wheat
northstar1 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Well, it's up to you, but I wouldn't reach out man, unless you are okay with her either giving you a crap excuse, or blaming you. If it's any consolation, my ex also had a bad history of relationships and always left them whenever there was something wrong. I know it's hard, because in your head you figured it could work out, but also think about the fact that if this is how she is wired, to give up and leave, then she wouldn't make a very good long term prospect.
Author In-The-Wheat Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 (edited) Well, it's up to you, but I wouldn't reach out man, unless you are okay with her either giving you a crap excuse, or blaming you. If it's any consolation, my ex also had a bad history of relationships and always left them whenever there was something wrong. I know it's hard, because in your head you figured it could work out, but also think about the fact that if this is how she is wired, to give up and leave, then she wouldn't make a very good long term prospect. Yea, not sure if I would put myself out there again. I did that a time or two in the week following the break up and she just ignored my stuff, but then again that was a month or so ago so maybe she would give a different response... I have a feeling she has too much pride to just come talk to me because she knows what she did was wrong/hurtful to a good man. I mean I don't even want to bring up our time together or the reasons for breaking up either (not yet at least)... Just catch up w/some light convo and see where it goes. Christ, I just want to talk to her! Help Edit: O, and its not like I'm just sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for the phone to ring. I exercise, have been focusing on school, trying to find a job and starting my hobbies back up. Edited May 11, 2010 by In-The-Wheat
northstar1 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 It is good you are keeping busy, that's key to moving on. I miss talking to my ex about stuff and being part of her life in general, but I would be fooling myself if I said I just wanted to catchup with her. Any contact would be me wanting to feel out if she misses me, regrets the decision and I would be listening for any tone of regret in her voice. Do you really want to talk to her to have her tell you how good things are for her and sound happy (whether or not she is, or would be faking it). You'll feel terrible man. That kind of talk is reserved for friends, and I doubt you are anywhere close to just wanting to be her friend. Unless my ex wants to be in my life as a partner, I don't want to know what she's up to. Stay NC. Continue keeping busy. If at some point (and don't bet on it) your ex realizes she made a mistake, she'll literally be at your door apologizing and wanting to try again, pride or no pride. Think about it. If you'd broken up with her, regretted it and wanted her back more than anything else in the world, would you really do nothing because of pride?
NABDP Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I just want to say Northstar makes a TON of sense with all he says, and you are wise to listen to his posts. I'm right about where he is in the whole process and my feelings are close to his, I've read and done a lot of soul searching and his advice and state of mind has been exemplary in all this and I am following in his footsteps as well. It's not easy, but it's better than the alternative. I had a few contact flubs early on and wish I had gone IMMEDIATE strict NC right from day 1 when she moved out after the cheating and lying were discovered. Instead I had a few further communications (emails, texts) that I wish I could take back. Since going NC, it hasn't necessarily made me feel a TON better, but it has given me a much bigger sense of pride, allowed me to gradually miss her even just a little bit less, definitely to wonder less about what she is up to (and who with), and most definitely made me feel like I have power over myself, and that she doesn't have it anymore. So in that regard staying totally in NC is the way to go. I am close to a month now (but hope to be past the point I even count the days soon) and it DOES get easier to at least be tempted to make that contact. The longer you go without it, the easier it seems to avoid the temptation to do it.
Author In-The-Wheat Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Dude, so true - it'd be pointless & I don't want to be her just her "friend" or hear what's going on good or bad - I'm not her girlfriend, I want to be her man. You are right about the pride thing too - I know if I was in her shoes and felt I made a mistake I'd be calling or showing up at her door letting her know what I did was wrong - regardless of how weak or whatever it made me look. I guess time will tell... I am satisfied though with the fact that I gave it my all and left nothing in question. I (as many do) just really hate this feeling of not being able to do anything that would convince her to try again. I'm a strong, mature individual, but I never thought for a second a break up/girl would be my biggest weakness - Nothing, not grades, friends, parents, jobs etc. effect me like this has. Thanks for basically talking me out of contacting her. Looks like it will be 33 days NC now.
northstar1 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I just want to say Northstar makes a TON of sense with all he says, and you are wise to listen to his posts. I'm right about where he is in the whole process and my feelings are close to his, I've read and done a lot of soul searching and his advice and state of mind has been exemplary in all this and I am following in his footsteps as well. It's not easy, but it's better than the alternative. I had a few contact flubs early on and wish I had gone IMMEDIATE strict NC right from day 1 when she moved out after the cheating and lying were discovered. Instead I had a few further communications (emails, texts) that I wish I could take back. Since going NC, it hasn't necessarily made me feel a TON better, but it has given me a much bigger sense of pride, allowed me to gradually miss her even just a little bit less, definitely to wonder less about what she is up to (and who with), and most definitely made me feel like I have power over myself, and that she doesn't have it anymore. So in that regard staying totally in NC is the way to go. I am close to a month now (but hope to be past the point I even count the days soon) and it DOES get easier to at least be tempted to make that contact. The longer you go without it, the easier it seems to avoid the temptation to do it. That is the key with NC, restoring pride and a feeling of power. When you break NC, you hand over that power, even if you already know they either won't reply, or will reply with indifference. I had contact with my ex once not too long after the breakup where i wanted to see if perhaps we'd made a mistake and in her mind we hadn't and she was not willing to see that it could have worked if she had had more trust and faith. I don't regret that, since it left me with the finality that there was nothing more I could have done. Most people break NC early on, as it is hard to let someone go, or watch them moving away from you. You want to reach out and bring back that which was so familiar and comfortable. And repair that blow to your ego that they no longer want YOU. And in some cases, it is okay early on to say what you need to say to make sure you have no regrets later, but when it is clear they no longer want to be a part of your life, time to do some soul searching and move on. Sure, I still think about contacting her, but I won't put myself out there again. If she doesn't want the relationship, for whatever reason, then I am not going to try and beg, plead or do jedi mind tricks on her to bring her back. She has to come to that realization on her own and stop the cycle of her relationship patterns. We will all get there.
northstar1 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Dude, so true - it'd be pointless & I don't want to be her just her "friend" or hear what's going on good or bad - I'm not her girlfriend, I want to be her man. You are right about the pride thing too - I know if I was in her shoes and felt I made a mistake I'd be calling or showing up at her door letting her know what I did was wrong - regardless of how weak or whatever it made me look. I guess time will tell... I am satisfied though with the fact that I gave it my all and left nothing in question. I (as many do) just really hate this feeling of not being able to do anything that would convince her to try again. I'm a strong, mature individual, but I never thought for a second a break up/girl would be my biggest weakness - Nothing, not grades, friends, parents, jobs etc. effect me like this has. Thanks for basically talking me out of contacting her. Looks like it will be 33 days NC now. Breakups are really hard to deal with, particularly if you still wanted it. It's a chunk of your life being taken away and you are scrambling to fill it, and the easiest thing to do is the fill it what was there, your ex. You're left with a bruised ego, and loneliness to deal with. And yes, the feeling of having no ability to bring them back. It's not easy to accept that the person who validated you, made you feel special etc, no longer does and seemingly doesn't care what you are up to. But based on my prior breakups, it does get easier with time and NC. You need the time to distance yourself from emotions and habits. And the NC means you aren't constantly picking open on the scab again. You dont' want to know they are happy, or went on a big trip, or are out every weekend partying. It will do you no good, other than comparing it to your own life and how you are feeling.
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