Indypendence Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 My husbands affair was with a co-worker. I have given him a few months to either transfer or find employment elsewhere. Do any of you think this is unreasonable? I know that finding a job isn't that simple. Those of you who may have been in my same situation, did your cheating, no good spouse remain at their job; or did they find other employment? If they remained at their job; how do you handle that? Do you freak out everyday? Or are you just over it? Did any of you have revenge affairs? If so, how did that work for you? (I'm really not seriously considering that; I'm just wondering; when I feel that real need to be intimate with another, I will know it is time to go) Did anyone's kids know? How old were they and how did they re-act? How about your friends and family that knew? When you are around them do they act differently? How and why do people keep up an extra relationship like this? I hardly have time to think with all the stuff I do; I couldn't fit an affair in. I look back at my husbands activiities over this time and he didn't start going out chronically. What purpose does this talking and texting really serve? MC has it helped anyone? What did it help? How did it help you personally?
ladydesigner Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I have read through some of your other threads. I do not think it is asking too much to switch jobs. If my XOM had still been working with me our A would have most likely continued. We were co-workers who became more than just friends, but my story is slightly different. My H had an A and I turned to my co-worker ended up in my own EA with him, then decided to take it further for revenge. I ended up falling in love with him and it ended pretty badly for me. So I would say revenge is not the answer, but I understand what you are feeling...the seething anger...god I remember it well. I do feel like I evened the score but at another emotional expense.
StoptheDrama Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 My husbands affair was with a co-worker. I have given him a few months to either transfer or find employment elsewhere. Do any of you think this is unreasonable? I know that finding a job isn't that simple. Those of you who may have been in my same situation, did your cheating, no good spouse remain at their job; or did they find other employment? If they remained at their job; how do you handle that? Do you freak out everyday? Or are you just over it? Did any of you have revenge affairs? If so, how did that work for you? (I'm really not seriously considering that; I'm just wondering; when I feel that real need to be intimate with another, I will know it is time to go) Did anyone's kids know? How old were they and how did they re-act? How about your friends and family that knew? When you are around them do they act differently? How and why do people keep up an extra relationship like this? I hardly have time to think with all the stuff I do; I couldn't fit an affair in. I look back at my husbands activiities over this time and he didn't start going out chronically. What purpose does this talking and texting really serve? MC has it helped anyone? What did it help? How did it help you personally? Indy - I understand that you are hurt and raw and may not want a response from an xOW but I'm going to take that chance as I have experience and insight that you may find useful. Background: LTA both PA and EA with a married co-worker. I ended the A several months ago and have very limited contact with him - work related only. I believe it is possible to work together after the A if the contact is work related only. I have no desire to resume the A or even be 'friends' with xMM. I work with him because I have to. As with all things, it is dependant upon the individuals involved. If your husband is sincere, remorseful, working on repairing the damage he caused and does not want to resume the A, it is possible for them to work at the same company. That being said, it is up to you to lay the ground rules and strictly enforce them. Among others, I would suggest: 1. Work related communication ONLY, ONLY as necessary, and ONLY during office hours. 2. Absolutely no communication outside the office. 3. Absolutely no time alone together - None, zippo 4. You have access to EVERYTHING - work email, work phone (if applicable) and work phone records as well as all personal email, passwords, etc. 5. He leave for work at a certain time, call you when he reaches the office. 6. Knowledge of his whereabouts at lunch - verifiable by a colleague whose name and contact information is provided to you. Or better yet, meet you for lunch everyday. 7. Leave work at a designated time and come immediately home. Any deviation MUST be immediately followed by a call to you to inform you of the reason and his current whereabouts. 8. He must be completely transparent at all times. Keep in mind that success is completely dependent upon your H. As long as he is not like my xMM (ridiculous & unsuccessful fishing expeditions including a mind blowiing one just this afternoon), you stand a great chance at repairing your marriage without having to uproot your life any more than he already has. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you luck.
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 You are his wife. You are his life partner. If YOU decide that part of your healing requires him to transfer or change jobs, you have EVERY RIGHT to demand that. What's more important to him? You and his marriage or his job? If he chooses his job, no amount of MC is going to fix that. I've never been through MC, but from reading your other thread, I'm not sure this person is giving you what you need. As another poster said, if this person does not have expertise in infidelity, you probably need to seek another counselor.
LifesontheUp Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 All three..........me, the XH and the OW all work in the same place and still do. For me, it doesn't matter anymore as I divorced him, forgiven him and moved on. However, if we were going to reconcile the marriage I would have wanted him to work elsewhere. I think you have decide what you can live with Indy and if in order to help with your recovery you want him to change jobs then he needs to do it. I wish you all the best in going forward.
Spark1111 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 My husbands affair was with a co-worker. I have given him a few months to either transfer or find employment elsewhere. Do any of you think this is unreasonable? I know that finding a job isn't that simple. Those of you who may have been in my same situation, did your cheating, no good spouse remain at their job; or did they find other employment? By the time I discovered her existence, he was already in another office but it was closer to her home! During the months it took him to transfer to another office 50 miles away, he had me there to lunches, drinks after work, met all his co-workers, gave me access to his work computer, everything. He lived to prove there was no contact. If they remained at their job; how do you handle that? Do you freak out everyday? Or are you just over it? I came to the conclusion that if there was going to be contact, there was nothing I could do to stop it. Pre-paid cell? Secret email account? I had to let it go for the sake of MY SANITY. But I told him unequivocably that IF i discovered contact I would divorce and I meant it. Did any of you have revenge affairs? If so, how did that work for you? (I'm really not seriously considering that; I'm just wondering; when I feel that real need to be intimate with another, I will know it is time to go) Thought about it and told him so. Not to punish him, but because I never felt less desirable in my life. I also had a re-occurring fantasy of meeting a really nice guy who would never cheat on me and I told him tahat too. Both are normal responses to an affair. Did anyone's kids know? How old were they and how did they re-act? My oldest daughter deduced it and they found out. They are young adults who still lived at home. They were devastated, but very supportive of me. He has had to work very hard to repair his relationship with them and we are healing. How about your friends and family that knew? When you are around them do they act differently? It is awkward for everyone, but those who were pulling for us were very supportive. Friends, who could not resist gossipping about it, are no longer friends of mine. How and why do people keep up an extra relationship like this? I hardly have time to think with all the stuff I do; I couldn't fit an affair in. I look back at my husbands activiities over this time and he didn't start going out chronically. What purpose does this talking and texting really serve? Affairs need constant communication to fuel those illicit, sexy, flirt lets-act-seventeen-again feelings. Otherwise, what else do you have in common? It's all about the fun and sex fantasy, IMHO. MC has it helped anyone? What did it help? How did it help you personally? How to better communicate with each other! How to express needs in a kind, compassionate manner. How to be heard and how to listen without defensiveness. How to amicably end a marriage too, if that becomes your goal.
Author Indypendence Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 ......................As with all things, it is dependant upon the individuals involved. If your husband is sincere, remorseful, working on repairing the damage he caused and does not want to resume the A, it is possible for them to work at the same company. That being said, it is up to you to lay the ground rules and strictly enforce them. Among others, I would suggest: 1. Work related communication ONLY, ONLY as necessary, and ONLY during office hours. 2. Absolutely no communication outside the office. 3. Absolutely no time alone together - None, zippo 4. You have access to EVERYTHING - work email, work phone (if applicable) and work phone records as well as all personal email, passwords, etc. 5. He leave for work at a certain time, call you when he reaches the office. 6. Knowledge of his whereabouts at lunch - verifiable by a colleague whose name and contact information is provided to you. Or better yet, meet you for lunch everyday. 7. Leave work at a designated time and come immediately home. Any deviation MUST be immediately followed by a call to you to inform you of the reason and his current whereabouts. 8. He must be completely transparent at all times. Keep in mind that success is completely dependent upon your H. As long as he is not like my xMM (ridiculous & unsuccessful fishing expeditions including a mind blowiing one just this afternoon), you stand a great chance at repairing your marriage without having to uproot your life any more than he already has. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you luck. Who the hell wants to live like that checking phone and text records and having your husband call you when he reaches work and when he leaves for lunch; just to check in. I AIN'T!!!! The success of our marriage is dependent on the both of us and my idea of that success depends upon me to either be able to live with the knowledge that my husband was a weak a$$ or for me not to be able to live with it and we put each other out of our misery. Either way, I realize that I have to move on. I am not living a prolonged life of warden; nor am I going to have him imprison me because now he feels the insecurities ramafications of his actions in reverse. When I get my wind back; I'm sure I will give him just as much rope as he had before; but now I will be a bit more in-tune with things and pay attention alot better.
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Who the hell wants to live like that checking phone and text records and having your husband call you when he reaches work and when he leaves for lunch; just to check in. I AIN'T!!!! The success of our marriage is dependent on the both of us and my idea of that success depends upon me to either be able to live with the knowledge that my husband was a weak a$$ or for me not to be able to live with it and we put each other out of our misery. Either way, I realize that I have to move on. I am not living a prolonged life of warden; nor am I going to have him imprison me because now he feels the insecurities ramafications of his actions in reverse. When I get my wind back; I'm sure I will give him just as much rope as he had before; but now I will be a bit more in-tune with things and pay attention alot better.Good for you! You are his wife, not his babysitter. Like I said, if his marriage is important to him, he will have no issue with finding other employment. What bothers me is that you had to ask/tell him to, he didn't offer to do that on his own... or did he?
jj2007 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 My husbands affair was with a co-worker. I have given him a few months to either transfer or find employment elsewhere. Do any of you think this is unreasonable? I know that finding a job isn't that simple. Those of you who may have been in my same situation, did your cheating, no good spouse remain at their job; or did they find other employment? My H found other employment, along with changing a lot of other things in his life at that point. No, it is not unreasonable. There are other jobs out there. Good luck & hugs:)
Snowflower Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 My husbands affair was with a co-worker. I have given him a few months to either transfer or find employment elsewhere. Do any of you think this is unreasonable? I know that finding a job isn't that simple. No, it is not unreasonable for you to ask him to look for another job. Especially if he has daily contact with the OW. Those of you who may have been in my same situation, did your cheating, no good spouse remain at their job; or did they find other employment? FBS here. My husband offered to leave his job when we reconciled. However, the economy being was it is and more importantly, the fact that he and his xOW did not have daily contact or were geographically close, made me feel more secure about the situation. My H stayed in the job for another year before he left the company. If they remained at their job; how do you handle that? Do you freak out everyday? Or are you just over it? Strangely enough, I did not freak out over it. But I think this was likely because again, they did not work together and had to have work-related contact very rarely. Did any of you have revenge affairs? If so, how did that work for you? (I'm really not seriously considering that; I'm just wondering; when I feel that real need to be intimate with another, I will know it is time to go) No revenge affair. I thought it was an entertaining thought especially with some hot guy--but no, I never seriously considered it.I had enough to deal with without adding that complication to the mix and I wanted to maintain my own integrity. I can completely understand why some BS have RAs though. Did anyone's kids know? How old were they and how did they re-act? I have teenagers and yes, they know the most general details. My husband told them that he had messed up badly and had been talking to another woman way too much--something you shouldn't do when you are married. I'm not sure how I feel about him telling them (I was not present at the time). They reacted by being supportive of me. They have very good, normal teenage relationships with both of us. How about your friends and family that knew? When you are around them do they act differently? No, family members have been supportive of both of us. When my husband confessed his affair to me, he then immediately confessed what he had done to our children and his family. I think he was trying to do the right thing. I don't care that they know either. How and why do people keep up an extra relationship like this? I hardly have time to think with all the stuff I do; I couldn't fit an affair in. I look back at my husbands activiities over this time and he didn't start going out chronically. What purpose does this talking and texting really serve? Your guess is as good as mine! I've never been a WS so I can't really say. I do know that A's take a lot of communication to keep them exciting. My H didn't start going out chronically either. The evidence was there in the cell phone bill. Most WS have similar patterns of behavior--when you know what to look for. MC has it helped anyone? What did it help? How did it help you personally? IMO, MC is a must for anyone trying to recover their marriage from an affair. It seems like those marriage that fail a few years down the road after an A had either no counseling post-affair or poor counseling. Not saying that MC can or even should save a marriage but it is a necessary step. My H and I did solve a lot of issues on our own but MC did still help us. We learned to look at our situation objectively and from each other's POV. That was immensely helpful to us--we had a better understanding of what went wrong in our pre-affair marriage (it really did pretty much suck) and why my H did what he did. We had to each examine ourselves in MC. Hope that helps! Good luck!
Author Indypendence Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 In all honesty he has been trying to postion himself for the past 2 or 3 years to transfer. So, this just adds fuel to the need to get the ball rolling. I was the one who vocalized the urgency of his finding other employment. He just agreed. But not before putting his foot in his mouth by saying "It's not what happened at work that was the problem; it was afterwork"????????????????????????????????????????? I'm not going to waste my time on fretting over who brought it up; it just better be recognized that he be actively looking for another job.
Spark1111 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 In all honesty he has been trying to postion himself for the past 2 or 3 years to transfer. So, this just adds fuel to the need to get the ball rolling. I was the one who vocalized the urgency of his finding other employment. He just agreed. But not before putting his foot in his mouth by saying "It's not what happened at work that was the problem; it was afterwork"????????????????????????????????????????? I'm not going to waste my time on fretting over who brought it up; it just better be recognized that he be actively looking for another job. Hmm...that's interesting. In retrospect, with the constant texting, emailing, and talking and obssessing, I said to him: "When the hell did you GET ANY WORK DONE?" Three months after we reconciled she called him at work outta the blue to ask for his opinion on something innocuous, kitchen floor tile I think. He told her to stop contacting him for ANY REASON. She was stunned they could not still "be friends." Guess what? Three months after that, he was promoted and transferred. Seems like contrary to what he thought, his work performance DID SUFFER during the affair.
Author Indypendence Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Hmm...that's interesting. In retrospect, with the constant texting, emailing, and talking and obssessing, I said to him: "When the hell did you GET ANY WORK DONE?" Three months after we reconciled she called him at work outta the blue to ask for his opinion on something innocuous, kitchen floor tile I think. He told her to stop contacting him for ANY REASON. She was stunned they could not still "be friends." Guess what? Three months after that, he was promoted and transferred. Seems like contrary to what he thought, his work performance DID SUFFER during the affair. I read back as far as I could go with your posts, Spark. I guess the only thing I can count on is letting time pass. I'm trying to fast-forward through this haze and the over-whelming urge I get to punch him the face; like Kathleen Turner did to Michael Douglas in War of the Roses" LoL
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