phoenixman Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Hello everybody, this is my first post and was hoping I can get some advice on what to do. Iv'e been married for ten years I found out April 10 that my wife was having an affair. I called her and asked where she was and she flat out told me she was at some guys house that she meet two weeks prior, she didn't deny anthing, I was floored and still in shock I have lost over 25 pounds in three weeks. Same story it's all my fault I drove her to do this blah blah, I want my wife back we have children and I Love her. The last two weeks we had an arraingment where she has three days to do what ever she wants(the othe guy) and I have three days, and one day Sunday we stay home. After two weeks of this I cant deal with this, she has no way of getting herself an apartment I realy dont want to kick her out on the street because of the kids, even though I have thought about it, and I'm not moving out. She is in not thinking of whats best for the kids first and is only thinking of herself. I dont know what to do and Im losing it.
redmelon Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 that sucks. I am sorry you are going through this. Doesn't she have anyone else she could stay with? A friend, a relative? Sounds like you need to kick her out so she can get clarity on what she is doing, and what she stands to lose.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Hello everybody, this is my first post and was hoping I can get some advice on what to do. Iv'e been married for ten years I found out April 10 that my wife was having an affair. I called her and asked where she was and she flat out told me she was at some guys house that she meet two weeks prior, she didn't deny anthing, I was floored and still in shock I have lost over 25 pounds in three weeks. Same story it's all my fault I drove her to do this blah blah, I want my wife back we have children and I Love her. The last two weeks we had an arraingment where she has three days to do what ever she wants(the othe guy) and I have three days, and one day Sunday we stay home. After two weeks of this I cant deal with this, she has no way of getting herself an apartment I realy dont want to kick her out on the street because of the kids, even though I have thought about it, and I'm not moving out. She is in not thinking of whats best for the kids first and is only thinking of herself. I dont know what to do and Im losing it. Holy crap! you made a wife-sharing deal with her! no no NO! IN OR OUT! There are lots of crappy marriages in the world and guess what? That doesn't give her permission to cheat! She has broken the rules big time! I know it is hard (trust me, I know) but the only way some of the stupid might be broken through is to ask her to leave. You'll even have to be blunt and say that there may have been emotional/sexual needs that weren't getting met but if she wants to work on them and fix the marriage you'll have to go to MC and she will have to not be seeing this other guy anymore. Let her know that you will fight tooth and nail for your kids, the house, the car, the money, the freaking garden gnome! Let her know that you love her and want to work it out but that going outside the marriage is not going to help the situation or repair your relationship with her, she has to stop seeing him YESTERDAY. She is walking all over you because she can, she is not going to respect you until you throw down a boundary. If she doesn't want to stop seeing him and go to MC, she's gotta go! She put herself on the street and your kids don't need to see their dad being walked all over! It's tough, it sucks, you feel bad for your spouse but really she's not the one who needs saving right now, you do. Adultery is the lowest thing you can do in a relationship and if she wants to keep it up I can assure you that you don't want her around anyways.
Author phoenixman Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Thanks Dreamin, makes sense what you wrote, I just can't believe when somthing like this happends how irrational one gets, I should know better, I never thought this would ever happend to me.
TroyNJ Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Next time she leaves the House do not let her back in, pack her cloths and have them outside. Sorry but it's all u can do at this point.
Ilovecake Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Tell her to go stay with her new boyfriend. she knew what she was getting into starting an affair now let her deal with the consequences. I doubt the atmosphere in your house right now, with the both of you there, is not very good for the children. She needs to GTFO ASAP.
Author phoenixman Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Is it legal to throw someone out like that? or just change the locks while shes out?
Author phoenixman Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 I did it, this morning I walked into the room and told her she has to leave asap, that I was not going to allow this to continue, either she stops her affair or she has to leave! she tryed to guilt me and she told me I broke my word on the agreement, I told her I do not care that I was not just doing it for me but for her. BTW, the NC is no contact, right? that works, thats the one thing I regret about this morning, that I had to talk to her, because I could tell she was starting wonder what I had been up to since Sunday, and I think she was having second thoughts. Thanks for the advice!
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Is it legal to throw someone out like that? or just change the locks while shes out? No it's not legal, unless her name is not on the mortgage document or rental agreement (depending on whether you own or lease.) But you can insist that she make a choice: Stay or leave. One or the other. She cannot continue doing both. I did it, this morning I walked into the room and told her she has to leave asap, that I was not going to allow this to continue, either she stops her affair or she has to leave! she tryed to guilt me and she told me I broke my word on the agreement, I told her I do not care that I was not just doing it for me but for her. BTW, the NC is no contact, right? that works, thats the one thing I regret about this morning, that I had to talk to her, because I could tell she was starting wonder what I had been up to since Sunday, and I think she was having second thoughts. Thanks for the advice! Yes, NC is No Contact. Advise her that "all previous bets (arrangements and agreements) are off". You're teaching the children the wrong thing, and sending them the wrong message. If she wants an open marriage, she'll have to find another husband who's willing to also phukk around and enjoy the goodies in the sweetshop... But you're not that guy. You made her a promise. Come to think of it, she made you one too, but she thought nothing of breaking that agreement.... So, you're back to the issue: She either stops seeing this guy, agrees to counselling and trying to fix things - or you file for divorce. Which is it going to be? That's it. Those are her choices. No compromise, no discussion, no meeting in the middle. So... What's it going to be? And say nothing more, until she decides. Then? Go from there.
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