He left wife and returned to end it is it true?

[piscis]

Hi!!

This is my first time here and I need a little perspective.

I have been dating a married man for a year he has been married for 15 years and has a 7 year old girl.

We work together.

He told me (and I knew because of job firends) that he dated a married woman who also works with us for eleven years (also during his marrige).

We had plans of leave together in one year, he opened a bank account, he managed as a single guy he is always available, on weekends, nights, we have stayed together every couple of nights a week.

 

He tells me he has not have sex with his wife in 5 years at the begining I did not believe him but afterward I confirmed this by a message from her to him where he tells him that he has not been sexually active with her in years.

 

Our relationship was discovered when he sent her a message that was for me, he moved out for 54 days and assure me he was not going back but he did!!!

The situation with his daughter was horrible she did not let him saw her, the girl called him one night telling him that her mother had told her that she would have to sell her toys because his father left her and did not love her any more (he never stopped giving money); any way he told me ho loves me but he was going back just for the girl and to end it.

 

We gave the relationship 4 months for him to free his guilt and on his own words demonstrate he is leaveing because of him not because of the other woman.

We continue seeing and staying once a week together.

I have read the messages between them and he is not lovable at all just answering yes, no or things like that while she tells him she loves him.

 

He tells me he is leaving her in 3 months now (one month have passed) but I dont know I mean the situation with the girl is going to be the same, and I can not avoid thinking that he was already out and he decided to return.

Please can you give me a little perspective with your comments.

By the way I am single 30 and he is 43.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Hi!!

This is my first time here and I need a little perspective.

Hi! Welcome to LS!

 

We work together.

Red flag here. Do co-workers know of your A? Could that affect your job or his? Do you think you will still be able to work with him should the relationship not work out?

 

He told me (and I knew because of job firends) that he dated a married woman who also works with us for eleven years (also during his marrige).

Another red flag. He dated her for ELEVEN years? He was able to keep this from is W for that long? He's a master at deception.

 

We had plans of leave together in one year, he opened a bank account, he managed as a single guy he is always available, on weekends, nights, we have stayed together every couple of nights a week.

He wasn't as successful as a single man as you think if he went back to his wife. Another red flag.

 

He tells me he has not have sex with his wife in 5 years at the begining I did not believe him but afterward I confirmed this by a message from her to him where he tells him that he has not been sexually active with her in years.

Doesn't matter. He's still married to her and they have a daughter together. He still has a legal obligation to her.

 

Our relationship was discovered when he sent her a message that was for me, he moved out for 54 days and assure me he was not going back but he did!!!

So for whatever reason, his wife knows of his infidelity, and still wants him. Another red flag.

 

The situation with his daughter was horrible she did not let him saw her, the girl called him one night telling him that her mother had told her that she would have to sell her toys because his father left her and did not love her any more (he never stopped giving money); any way he told me ho loves me but he was going back just for the girl and to end it.

So he's already tried to end it wiht you once? Another red flag.

We gave the relationship 4 months for him to free his guilt and on his own words demonstrate he is leaveing because of him not because of the other woman.

We continue seeing and staying once a week together.

Does his wife know he's spending nghts with you? I doubt it. Red flag for two reasons. If she doesn't know, that means he's still hiding the A from her. Also, you allowing him to stay with her and stay with you gives him no incentive to make a decision. He can live like this forever, leaving you in limbo. Can you be happy with that?

 

I have read the messages between them and he is not lovable at all just answering yes, no or things like that while she tells him she loves him.

Another red flag. She still wants him.

 

He tells me he is leaving her in 3 months now (one month have passed) but I dont know I mean the situation with the girl is going to be the same, and I can not avoid thinking that he was already out and he decided to return.

Listen to your gut. There's a reason you a thinking this, and a reason you are posting here.

 

Please can you give me a little perspective with your comments.

By the way I am single 30 and he is 43.

Lots of red flags. Only you can decide if you want to wait out the three months. In any case, I wouldn't let him stay over until he's divorced.

[jwi71]

We gave the relationship 4 months for him to free his guilt and on his own words demonstrate he is leaveing because of him not because of the other woman.

 

You do see the problem here right?

 

He had every opportunity to leave BEFORE you yet didn't UNTIL he met you.

 

Which is exactly what you said you didn't want.

 

Its called the soft landing.

 

Or the grasshopper breakup - hopping from one R to another.

 

Either way - bad news for you.

 

My advice which will be ignored: Walk. He needs time to sort his shyt - and that takes TIME. And I'm not talking a few weeks honey. He has to heal.

 

And he hasn't even begun step one - filing for D (despite YEARS of opportunity)-

[Brokenlady]

I have a similar age spread with my DM. Let me first say that it's all well and good to TALK about leaving months in advance. It is quite another to do it when that day comes. I predict you'll get a very lame excuse when the three months pass. He'll need more time, blah blah.

 

Has he told his wife of this exit plan in three months? If not, she's not prepared and there's no closure happening there. My DM left his W and went back in 3 days. He then said he needed 6 months to leave. He never told his xW about this plan. But I waited. 9 months, and the deadline I set for him passed before he finally left. The he continued to sleep over at her house periodically, and flip-flop. The piece-de-resistance was him taking her on vacation with the kids behind my back last summer. He said she was turning the kids against him (and she still is), and made a million excuses about how helpless and crazy his xW is that he has to pretend to be her H still. (And for the record, she filed for divorce, not him).

 

Think hard about this-- if you wait for him now (assuming he isn't lying about his 3 month plan), he'll assume you'll happily endure and "understand" all the flip-flopping to come. Trust me, you do NOT want to set the precedent I did. Do yourself a big favor and go live your life during this three months as if he isn't doing anything (and chances are he isn't doing anything anyway) and then you will not have wasted this time on him either way. Rest assured, he is living his life as if you don't exist while he's with her. You do not owe him the loyalty you are giving him and you need to show him now that you have a spine and he'll need to make a firm choice.

 

Maybe he'll surprise you, but either way, you haven't been sitting and waiting for crumbs from him. If he doesn't leave because you aren't sitting in front of your window pining for him every night, then know he isn't right for you anyway. He's just continue to trample your feelings as much as he can until you stop him.

[bentnotbroken]

I read here serial cheater who the wife has grown tired of being exposed to God knows whatever and hasn't moved to leave yet. Why should she have sex with him if he has cheated for 11 years with someone else and then a year with you? I wouldn't sleep with him either. Yet here you are waiting for what? You to be in her shoes?

[bananalaffytaffy]

I read here serial cheater who the wife has grown tired of being exposed to God knows whatever and hasn't moved to leave yet. Why should she have sex with him if he has cheated for 11 years with someone else and then a year with you? I wouldn't sleep with him either. Yet here you are waiting for what? You to be in her shoes?

I didn't want to say this, but am glad you did. I know there's this school of thought that when a serial cheater finds "the one", the cheating will stop. I think that when someone has gotten away with cheating for this long, it will always be an option for them for whatever reason.

[piscis]

Thank you every one for your comments.

 

I know that I want to believe him but I am almost sure he will stay because of her daughter or for whatever reason he considers.

To respond some doubts no one on the company knows.

He told me he was going to end the marriage not our relationship; no his wife does not know, he as he told me wanted to go back and show that the marriage has to end because the marriage is not working not because of his affair; because his daughter told him that her mother told her that if her daddy really loved her he would give another chance to the family.

 

I think he really WANTS to be with me but at the end of the day I feel he wont have the strenght to leave because he feels too guilty of abandoning his daughter (or that is what he says and I believe him by the way)

 

I love him and I would like to have a future with him.

 

I feel like this and maybe it sounds silly to you but I am suffering with this ideas as I see it (but of course I am not seeing anything with clarity) if I stay with him he would know he has someone to go with and that will motivate him otherwise he will remain there because what is the point of leaving and in the other hand I think that if I leave he would make everything in his hands to be with me (if he is seious about it) or stay because there is no one else to go to.

 

I am trying to cope the best I can but it is awful and I really appreciate all the advice you can give me to help me think and act in a positive way

[fooled once]

Thank you every one for your comments.

 

I know that I want to believe him but I am almost sure he will stay because of her daughter or for whatever reason he considers.

To respond some doubts no one on the company knows.

He told me he was going to end the marriage not our relationship; no his wife does not know, he as he told me wanted to go back and show that the marriage has to end because the marriage is not working not because of his affair; because his daughter told him that her mother told her that if her daddy really loved her he would give another chance to the family.

 

I think he really WANTS to be with me but at the end of the day I feel he wont have the strenght to leave because he feels too guilty of abandoning his daughter (or that is what he says and I believe him by the way)

 

I love him and I would like to have a future with him.

 

I feel like this and maybe it sounds silly to you but I am suffering with this ideas as I see it (but of course I am not seeing anything with clarity) if I stay with him he would know he has someone to go with and that will motivate him otherwise he will remain there because what is the point of leaving and in the other hand I think that if I leave he would make everything in his hands to be with me (if he is seious about it) or stay because there is no one else to go to.

 

I am trying to cope the best I can but it is awful and I really appreciate all the advice you can give me to help me think and act in a positive way

 

I don't think there is a single OW here who hasn't gone through what you are going through - Chapter and Verse. All the same excuses, all the words, etc.

 

ACTIONS speak louder.

 

People DO get divorced -- it happens ALL the time!! He is staying because HE WANTS TO. You can try to rationalize it, try to make excuses for him and his decisions, etc. But it doesn't matter to us if you continue to waste you life on this guy.

 

If I were you -- I would leave. He has no desire to leave his wife.

 

If you decide to stay, realize you will ALWAYS be the OW. he isn't leaving, but he wants you to believe he is because that keeps you hanging on.

 

He is going to tell you everything you want to hear...but he is going to stay put.

 

And do you really want to be with a guy who you have to TELL or MOTIVATE to be with you?

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you every one for your comments.

 

I know that I want to believe him but I am almost sure he will stay because of her daughter or for whatever reason he considers.

To respond some doubts no one on the company knows.

He told me he was going to end the marriage not our relationship; no his wife does not know, he as he told me wanted to go back and show that the marriage has to end because the marriage is not working not because of his affair; because his daughter told him that her mother told her that if her daddy really loved her he would give another chance to the family.

 

I think he really WANTS to be with me but at the end of the day I feel he wont have the strenght to leave because he feels too guilty of abandoning his daughter (or that is what he says and I believe him by the way)

 

I love him and I would like to have a future with him.

 

I feel like this and maybe it sounds silly to you but I am suffering with this ideas as I see it (but of course I am not seeing anything with clarity) if I stay with him he would know he has someone to go with and that will motivate him otherwise he will remain there because what is the point of leaving and in the other hand I think that if I leave he would make everything in his hands to be with me (if he is seious about it) or stay because there is no one else to go to.

 

I am trying to cope the best I can but it is awful and I really appreciate all the advice you can give me to help me think and act in a positive way

 

 

Another wuss with no strength to leave but all the strength in the world to cheat. Maybe he should save that energy and leave. Word of advice, unless you are privy to the conversations between (i.e. with your own eyes and ears) then you only have hearsay. His side of the story maybe just a little false since he has lied to his wife so long cheating on her. It seems he is pretty damn good at it.

 

Why can't he leave for himself instead of having someone to run to? Sounds suspect, but as you said, you believe him and that's all that matters...right?

[bananalaffytaffy]

Why would you want to stay with someone that lied to his wife for 11 years, and is lying to both of you right now?

[LucreziaBorgia]

He will not be able to leave his daughter like that. He left her once, and it was unbearable for her (and apparently for him, too), so he went back. Why would two months from now make it any easier? He will have moved back in, made his daughter happy, and then two months later leave again.. doubling his daughter's misery.

 

Honestly? I think he will just continue to live at home and continue to have an affair with you. Why? Because you will let him, just like the last OW did.

[MizzBlue72]

Well - I can tell you from experience some people do not have sex when they are married. I was one of them.

 

But this man - had an 11 yr affair with another?? Red flag .....

[pureinheart]

Hey, welcome to LS and ((((((((((hugs))))))))). What a discouraging situation...to see innocent children exploited in this manor.

 

I have 2 kids, each have different fathers that both had EMA's, it is the reason I left them ultimately...interesting, they "could not handle seeing their children" because they were so desparately in love with me that it would hurt them too much to be around me....now if that doesnot sound sick, I'm not really sure what does. I love how they turned that on me...this is what they told the kids the couple of times they talked to them in like 10 yrs.

 

Using kids and cutting down the S because the M is jacked up is sick, no wonder he doesn't want to be in the M...he needs to get his daughter away from her as she is extremely abusive.

 

Seriously P, he needs to protect his daughter...and his M should be over, unless his W were to quit abusing their daughter...I could not be with a person like that.

 

I would back off of him for the little girls sake...at least until the D is final and he has custody of her...Best wishes and prayers for all of you...I am so very sorry.

[bentnotbroken]

Hey, welcome to LS and ((((((((((hugs))))))))). What a discouraging situation...to see innocent children exploited in this manor.

 

I have 2 kids, each have different fathers that both had EMA's, it is the reason I left them ultimately...interesting, they "could not handle seeing their children" because they were so desparately in love with me that it would hurt them too much to be around me....now if that doesnot sound sick, I'm not really sure what does. I love how they turned that on me...this is what they told the kids the couple of times they talked to them in like 10 yrs.

 

Using kids and cutting down the S because the M is jacked up is sick, no wonder he doesn't want to be in the M...he needs to get his daughter away from her as she is extremely abusive.

 

Seriously P, he needs to protect his daughter...and his M should be over, unless his W were to quit abusing their daughter...I could not be with a person like that.

 

I would back off of him for the little girls sake...at least until the D is final and he has custody of her...Best wishes and prayers for all of you...I am so very sorry.

 

 

Only if this is true. But since he cheating, we do know he is a liar. It is more than possible he is lying about the mother and child too. And if it is true and he is letting her do that, then he is an abuser also by allowing it to happen, who wants to be with an abusive man who won't stand up for a child?

[piscis]

Thanks again for the comments.

 

When he left the marital home he always put the speaker when I was with him and he was speaking to his daughter and wife so I was able to confirm some things.

In my opinion one thing is to be upset and angry and another one to be abusive; there was one time that he was talking to the girl and then she passed the phone to her mother and he said very soft voice tone hello how are you and she started to shout leave me alone!! and the girl started shouting please mummy dont cry, who ever heard her could think the person at the other side in the line was being very abusive to her because of her reaction but that was false.

 

She told the girl horrible things that his father did not love her and that he prefered me over her instead of assure her that she was going to be ok whatever happens.

 

Anyway, I am sure that going back just to leave in 3 months is going to be most shocking to the girl of course.

He travels a lot 15 days in a month, so the girl is used to not having him around that much I mean it is not like he takes her to school or pick her up or read her a book every night I think that if he is telling me thetruth is not even the girl but his own feeling of guilt and irresponsability.

 

He does not go to social events with them either he spends every spare moment he has with me and when he is not with me on sundays he calls me all afternoon like for 2 hours because they (teh mother and the girl) are attending some social event and he does not go.

 

I also consider that the only way to help the girl is not living in the lie his marriage is I think the best thing to do (despite me) is for him to leave and cut with that situation and then the girl can see another way of living because being the 3 inmerse in the same enviroment is not going to help anyone.

 

I dont think 3 months is enough and I am not sure if he would ever have the determination and see that the girl is going to cry yes, to be sad yes, to "hate" him yes, but in a longer time it would be the best thing to do.

 

I dont want to rush things but I am desperate sometimes I think that if it is for the best he will end it and come to me but it is so hard just to sit and wait

[bentnotbroken]

Then he should be with you. He isn't a father anyway. If his only free time is spent with you instead of his child and wife though he travels so many days, and you refer to her as "the girl" instead of the frightened child she is, she would be much better off with the so called abusive mother instead of the coward non involved father. Hurting people don't always use rational judgement (her screaming in front of the child)but it one thing that appears to be in her favor, she is a hands on parent being called a bad parent by two people who aren't involved at all.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Then he should be with you. He isn't a father anyway. If his only free time is spent with you instead of his child and wife though he travels so many days, and you refer to her as "the girl" instead of the frightened child she is, she would be much better off with the so called abusive mother instead of the coward non involved father. Hurting people don't always use rational judgement (her screaming in front of the child)but it one thing that appears to be in her favor, she is a hands on parent being called a bad parent by two people who aren't involved at all.

Obviously, she is jealous of "the girl", as it sounds like she feels "the girl" is the only thing standing in the way of her happiness with this serial cheater MM.

[piscis]

No!!!!!

Of course not and I am not covering myself she is a little girl it is a different kind of love we do not compete.

She has to be his priority but in my opinion no one most stay with someone for the kids sake no what about yourself?

 

I am from Mexico City maybe you can see I have spelling errors and maybe my grammar structure is not that good and it is common in mexico to refer to someone's daughter or son as the child the girl the boy.

 

My mother was divorced and she remarried when I was 12 and I was always the first person in her life before her husband and because I have been there as a daughter and that situation saved us lots of trouble I comprehend that she has to be the first in priority of course.

 

So no I am not mad or wishing she never was born because she is the horrible thing that is in the middle of our love or thoughts like that she is a situation (hope does not get bad interpreted) as it is a situation that I am an only daughter and my mothers only support in case his husband is dead or not around for whatever reason when she is old and I hope a man will love me despite this situation as I love and accept him with a daughter.

 

And she is not a poor little girl either she is a normal healthy girl that with the help of their parents and their common sense as mature adults can deal with the situation as lots of families do or she can drawn if they handle it badly

[bananalaffytaffy]

Ah, thanks for clarifying. My apologies for the assumption.

[mitchell]

Why would you want this loser? He's cheating with you, and he cheated with another woman for 11 years. Get some self-esteem and leave this dog. He's a liar and a cheat.

[secretlady76]

Why would you want this loser? He's cheating with you, and he cheated with another woman for 11 years. Get some self-esteem and leave this dog. He's a liar and a cheat.

 

I agree with the above post. He sounds like a lame excuse for a man. He isn't treating you, his wife or his daughter properly. I would suggest you get him out of your life for good and get on with your life. It will be richer without him in it.

[piscis]

Dont worry for the assumption you don know me and can not know anything more of what I write here I do not feel attacked I just wanted to clarify it I value your comments, everyones comments they help me think.

 

Why do I want him??? I have of course think about it. Objectivly it is like this: I earn more than him so it is not the money, I have more preparation (stuides), I do not need him I enjoy him I can speak with him for hours, he is attentive, he cares, he makes me laugh, and here is a good point he is the only one who has not been abusive (ok maybe he is because of the marriage) but he lives 2 hours away from my home ther has been not single day (not counting his traveling) that he does not drive me home and I apreciate that in other R they did not care if I can get to somewhere or they expected me to go to them, if I say I like grapes he remembers and will surprise me later with a grape juice, he does not drink at all and I give that a lot of value because I feel with security around him in other R I felt like I have to be in charge.

 

I dont think that he is separating (if he ever does) and we will live happily ever after of course not there are lots of issues in the middle but I do think time helps things arrange.

 

Anyway I really hope he can realize this on his own, because the worst part is he knows it he has been knowing for years that M does not work but he remains there and I dont know if there is going to happend.

 

His family (brother and sister) who of course know her have told him to move forward that it is the best for him and in time for everyone involved if they think he is making an error in separating they would tell him to think it twice no I heard them they asked him not to go back because tehy see he is not happy at all but I do not know what else does he need to give that step.....

[bentnotbroken]

Ah, thanks for clarifying. My apologies for the assumption.

 

 

I apologize also. I do view things from my ethnocentric view. I do forget sometimes the world DOESN'T revolve around American view points. Again, my apology.

[mitchell]

 

I have more preparation (stuides),..

 

For someone with so much "preparation", you are thinking only with your heart and not with your brain. Fantasy and rationalizations abound with your description of your relationship.

 

The best thing you could do for yourself and all others involved is to have no further contact with him. If you two were truly meant to be, he will divorce his wife and court you properly as an available, single man.

 

I predict this loser will have another mistress within 30 days after you stop seeing him. He likely already has someone else.

[White Flower]

Honestly? I think he will just continue to live at home and continue to have an affair with you. Why? Because you will let him, just like the last OW did.

And just like his wife does. He's a serial cheater and he isn't done yet.