What can I do, my wife doesn't love me anymore

[trippi1432]

Okay,okay...Trippi..I learned another lesson:o..that's why I came into these forums..to shed some light on my attitude and hopefully change someday:)

 

It's ok DoTG, that's what we are all here for....my entire breakdown is embedded in these threads since last July....including entire text conversations that would disgust almost anyone.

 

You will get there, one day you will be glad to leave that baggage behind, but it's constant work on yourself....that is all you can do.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Thanks Trippi..it's all still fresh to me 2 1/2 mos (her separation)..Awesome post steadfast..and true.

[Gunny376]

Don't hesitate to ask your MD about antidepressants or anti anxiety medication.

 

I got forced on them by my boss, who basically told me to either get help or find another job. Being a retired 53 Marine living in rural Alabama in this economy? Finding any kind of job is hard, even when times are good.

 

Fortunately he was a former Vietnam Vet, and a retired National Guard Master Sergeant. He recognized all of the symptoms ~ generalized anger at anyone, everyone ~ hating life and everyone in it ~ excessive drinking ~ going ballistic over little things sleep deprivation, self imposed social isolation.

 

Depression ~ anxiety (failure to adapt from military to civilian life, institutionalization) and PTSD.

 

You've been institutionalized just by having been in a relationship with her as long as you have? You hear it all of the time about guys and gals not knowing having to act being single again after having been married for up-teen years?

 

That and just having become adjusted to the day-to-day interaction.

 

Two and a half months?

 

Brother your still trying to stumble and fumble yourself through the goal post of Life, and your on the one yard line ~ the opposite teams one yard long.

 

See a professional counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist ~ at the very least find a divorce support group. Even if you've got to drive fifty miles or better to get there.

 

Your very much going through a withdrawal ~ very similar to a drug addiction, ( I could go more into that but I want)

 

I called my insurance provider, (military TriCare) normally they authorize a maximum of eight visits with a psychologist etc.

 

I'm authorized up to 22 and my meds can be re-filled monthly until next April 2011.

 

Its not that I'm some sort of nut job, its just that after twenty years in the Corps, two LTR failed relationships, combined with 53 years of living? Things just build up in your mind.

 

I share all of this with you to say ~ you don't have to suffer. You don't have to drag dead horses and saddles around with you everywhere you go.

 

I've been on the meds for a month or two ~ and its the best thing I've ever done. My attitude, perspective, work performance, everything has done a 180!

 

You can and will get to a better and much healtier place. You've just got to work at it and want to get better.

 

Gunny

[stillafool]

Desperate Husband.....where are you?

[lisapizza]

After 25 years I'm done too and for the same reason.., he cheated 10 yrs ago and has tried to get me to forgive but something inside dies and you can never get it back. I have wanted a divorce for 4 yrs now but I am doing it NOW, I'm not living a lie anymore...He can't understand and swears there's someone else. I said the same things to my husb and I feel for both of you. Sometimes, it just is what it is and there's NOTHING you can do to change it...I am full of regret for not leaving sooner but, I am looking forward to being free and LOVING someone someday again... The hurt I felt when he cheated was UNREAL, I was pregnant and he got her pregnant too! I can't believe I lived through it but, I'm here now!! You will be fine too, just take care of YOU!!

[DesperateHusband]

Hey everybody, I'm back. Sorry, I didn't mean to abandon this thread.

 

I want to thank all of you for the replies and advice you have given me so far. I only wish I had listened to it sooner. It's now been two weeks since my wife told me. For most of those two weeks I have been pushing hard to get her to see my side. The only thing that accomplished was pushing her further away. My turning point came last thursday. We had a really bad fight. It got nasty and we both said some very hurtful things that never should have been said. Eventually I went to her and apologized for some of the things I had said and let her know that I really didn't mean them and I just wasn't thinking straight. She apologized also and we ended up having a great discussion that night. One of the things she told me was that I was making her hate me by pushing so hard. That was the first and only time she has used the word hate. She told me that it didn't feel like I respected her feelings at all since she was only asking for two weeks alone and I couldn't even give her that.

 

The next day I was reading a different website and someone had posted a list of 10 things a person should never do in this situation. I had done all 10 of them. That made me feel like such a jerk. It really opened my eyes. I went into the house, sat my wife down and apologized for everything. I told her I was going to respect her and her feelings and would give her a two week seperation. If it needs to go longer we will work that out at the end of the two weeks.

 

So now we are in the second day of the seperation. I have moved out of the house for now. I have a new understanding of the situation. I know that there are really two different issues we are trying to deal with. The first one being her trying to find herself after years of depression and everything we have been through this past year. The second issue being that she doesn't feel like she is in love with me anymore. I was focusing all of my efforts to try getting her to love me, I was completely ignoring the other issue, which is the one she is trying to work on. Right now it's not about us, it's about her. And all I can do is step back and let her figure this out on her own. She knows how I feel and she knows I will always be there to support her and talk if she wants to.

 

I am very hopeful for our future. And I think that once she finds herself she will realize that she does still love me. She knows we have a great relationship. We are best friends. She has even told me that she knows she has the marriage every girl dreams of, she just doesn't want it right now.

 

There have been a few changes during the past week that are making me hopeful. She has already started to talk about our future And things we will have to do. It's only been a few times and it's only been about very small things, like the other day she said, "Maybe this fall we can dig up the flower bed and replant it." Maybe it's just habit but she wasn't talking like that a few weeks ago. She has also decided to go to counseling. We have gone twice as a couple and we both start individual counseling next week. She decided this on her own, I didn't pressure her into going by herself at all. She told

me that she has realized that she has issues that need to be dealt with. I see that as a big step both for her and for us.

 

I will keep you all updated as we work through this.

[Steadfast]

Be careful. These things rarely -if ever- work themselves out quickly. or easily.

 

If a woman tells you she's not attracted to you any longer, you can be 100% sure she isn't. No confusion. That isn't to say attraction can't return, but that depends on what you do, and how she accepts it. By my experience and hearing the stories of others, by the time a wife says that to you she's been checked out for a long time. Usually (not always) the courage to 'come clean' is fueled by another love interest.

 

You can be certain that regardless of what she's doing or feeling, she's more than a little scared. It may not seem like it, but having you 'there' provides a security blanket that is very important to her. She knows if she shuts you out completely you'll lose heart and in time, let her go. Do not discount the possibility she's harboring some very angry feelings about your affair, and might what to 'share' with you what it's like to be on the outside looking in. The truth is, even though you're sorry you have no idea what that did to her. No idea. The more she loved you, the more it hurt.

 

Finally, by the tone of your last message I can tell you're still trying to make her love you again. Stop. Think everything through, do what's right and be prepared to share the blame...but not shoulder it. In short DON'T be a 'desperate husband'. Be a strong, caring man who appreciates his wife and knows how to show it. With actions, not words-

[DesperateHusband]

So last night was my time with the kids. I got to our house and everything was fine. She left as planned and I started to cook dinner. I got on the computer to do something I noticed yahoo messenger was installed. I immediately knew what that meant so I started digging. Long story short is she's been talking to another guy for a while. I have no idea how long. The talks are pretty bad. She's even sent him nude pictures of herself. He lives in another country so I'm not worried about him coming over to the house but I still consider it to be an affair. I confronted her when she got home about it and she brushed it off as no big deal. Well it really pisses me off.

 

This isn't even about our marriage right now. She is completely self destructing and she knows it. She told me she was. She said she never had the opportunity to make bad choices growing up. And now she wants to see what it's like. She's going to do something she regrets.

 

I realize that the only thing I can do at this point is stand by and be ready to pick up the pieces. But I know she needs some serious help quickly. She still doesn't want to go to counseling either as a couple or by herself but she is. So I guess that's a good thing.

 

This is the second time we've gone through her getting too close to someone online in a year. But this time it's more serious. I know this guy isn't helping the situation but she doesn't care right now. She won't listen to anybody, me, her friends or her family. She's still taking care of the kids, but I'm watching them more closely now. If she starts to neglect them then I'll have no choice but to step in.

 

I spent a few nights at her sisters house because I have no place else to go. She said she feels like she can't talk to her sister because I'm staying there. So tonight I will be sleeping in my truck.

 

Part of me wants to go to the house and tell her that if she wants to self destruct then she needs to get out. I still want to save this

marriage and prevent her from hitting rock bottom.

 

I don't know what to do.

[reboot]

Uhhh....

 

Why did YOU leave? Have her pack HER bags. Let HER stay at her sisters, then they can talk all she wants. You're making a huge mistake. None of this was your idea, you should not be suffering for it. Neither should your kids, and believe me, they will sooner or later. Reach down there and grab what used to be your cojones and man up.

 

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but you've got this all ass backwards.

[DesperateHusband]

Believe me I want to go home and kick her out. The only reason I left is because she wanted to be apart from me to figure herself out and we don't have anybody that can watch the kids during the day. I left so I could continue to go to work and she could continue to watch the kids.

 

You're right though, I'm starting to think that wasn't a good idea.

[reboot]

"she wanted to be apart from me to figure herself out" = "doing what and WHO she wants without you to worry about"

 

There's nothing new under the sun here, it's a really old story.

[GorillaTheater]

I haven't posted much lately, but had to sign on this morning just to address this.

 

Move back home. Today or tomorrow. Move. Back. Home.

 

There are several reasons for this.

1) Fundamental fairness. She wants out? Let her find a place. It's not you who wants to destroy the marriage, so if someone has to suffer for her bad choices, for crissakes let it be her.

 

2) Self-respect. By moving out, you're allowing yourself to be a doormat. You're putting your needs and wants second to a woman who couldn't care less about your needs and wants and who doesn't respect you. How can she, when you apparently don't respect yourself? Move back home and she'll go bat***** ballistic for a while, but she'll respect you for it. More importantly, you'll respect yourself.

 

3) Tactical positioning for any eventual divorce. I'd be thinking about joint 50-50 custody of the kids, were I you. Hope for the best and plan for the worst. Out of the house and away from the kids, you're shooting yourself in the foot. Don't agree to anything less than 50-50. Remember, whatever you agree to "temporarily" will in most cases be made permanent by the judge.

 

4) By being out of the house, the only "space" you've given her is the space to pursue her EA without you in her hair.

 

5) Most important, and related to #3, is the fact that your kids need you, now more than ever.

 

Like I said, she'll go crazy on you, so brace yourself. Also, protect yourself. Plan on a counterstroke like a TRO, alleging mental or physical abuse. See if the police will send an officer to stand by while you move back in, and at a minimum bring a friend or two. Make a habit of carrying a voice-activated recorder with you whenever you're around her. You may not need any of this, but if you do you'll be extremely glad you've taken these steps.

 

In the long-term, you want to restore your marriage with your wife. In the short-term, she's your enemy. Now's the time to grab your balls and find strength you may have never known you had.

[dreamingoftigers]

This whole ridiculous behaviour on her part is about sex, purely sex. She wants to feel attractive to someone and she is going about it in an incredibly inappropriate way. You don't need to treat her like "the enemy" but you need to set some very firm-as-a-brick-wall boundaries.

 

Move back home! Yesterday!

Take control of this situation but if you negotiate with her on any level about her behaviour etc. she will not respect you and (not sure if you care at this point) it will make you a much less attractive option.

The fact that she is acting like its not a big deal means in her mind she doesn't think you should see it as a problem. She is probably using her previous adultery to justify her actions. Bring this up. Tell her that just because you made an incredibly STUPID MORONIC choice does not mean she can take permission to do the same thing to your relationship now. It simply means that she has the choice to leave the relationship, or not.

 

Work on yourself, starting right away. Go to IC to help you deal with this, workout if you don't already, make more time for your kids, whatever. Make sure you keep your side of the street really clean.

 

Give her the choice: END THIS BEHAVIOUR NOW OR MOVE OUT. If she stays say that MC is a non-negotiable. You MUST attend MC. If she chooses to test you and move out, start proceedings. Wait a little bit and keep the MC option on the table, even just to help you and her to get through a D. Any smart gal will realize that giving up a family for stupid online flirtations is not going to work.

 

Don't attack or you will lose. Don't negotiate, this isn't about comprimising, she is either in or out. Just set boundaries and MAKE THEM STICK. You are in for a rough ride either way, just make sure you hold to your standards.

[GorillaTheater]

You don't need to treat her like "the enemy"

 

Let me explain (and BTW your advice was top-notch).

He has to view her as an enemy (or adversay, if you prefer) because right now she views him as an enemy in her quest for emotional and quasi-sexual gratification with Foreign Dude. She WILL throw him under the bus for this relationship and in effect already has. She has no regard for his interests at all. So he needs to step up and protect his interests and anticipate that she'll fight him every step of the way, at least for the time being.

 

That doesn't mean that he needs to be an ass to her, or hurt her for the sake of hurting her. In fact, he's much better served by treating the entire situation with calm strength and honor.

[wish2b]

I agree! Move back in that house. If she wants to figure herself out, then let her figure it out somewhere else. If you had somewhere to go, then it would be different. She obviously does not care about your well being. I am divorced and there is no way that I could let the father of my children sleep in his truck! What would my kids think of ME?