skinut2234 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Your feeling are not there anymore?? They used to be but after 14 years of marriage i find myself with 0 interest (both physically and mentally).... yes i will admit I'm not attracted to her anymore (and I feel bad about it)- but she let herself go in many ways- does not care about appearance and I'm the opposite.... I feel horrible feeling this way but I have to be honest with myself. It not just physical- it's the whole package...... how do u tell someone you just don't feel it any more?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Your feeling are not there anymore?? They used to be but after 14 years of marriage i find myself with 0 interest (both physically and mentally).... yes i will admit I'm not attracted to her anymore (and I feel bad about it)- but she let herself go in many ways- does not care about appearance and I'm the opposite.... I feel horrible feeling this way but I have to be honest with myself. It not just physical- it's the whole package...... how do u tell someone you just don't feel it any more? saying this. As a male, I understand. You mention physically as the reason (yes I am reading between the lines when you say attracted). The question is whether she knows. We have been through this on this site over and over and generally the man is the one who is blindsided. They give the list of all they do and the things they are and can't figure out the problem. Here I will be a chauvinist and say if you are not physically attracted because she has put on weight and no longer cares about her appearance, you have a right to say so (as the OP states he hasn't). If it is the affects of aging then it is your issue to address. When you mention the whole package, are you being honest or like women do project what you are unhappy about to everything? Is it a mid-life crisis, stress, children? Is it the lack of growth from your spouse or the monotony of everyday life? Just my 2 cents....
Author skinut2234 Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 yes- I'm being fair and honest- I keep myself in good shape- work out constantly....etc.... She does not- we are quite the opposite... (I'm not saying I don't have faults here) but I just feel nothing.... I would think she is aware but probably doesn't care enough to do anything about it. Add to the physical aspect also comes the attitude of "I don't care"- which makes the whole package undesireable.....
xxoo Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Add to the physical aspect also comes the attitude of "I don't care"- which makes the whole package undesireable..... "I don't care" about what? Health and fitness? You? Anything??? Is she depressed? What do you do for fun together that is active? If you were previously attracted, you can probably get it back. I'd be gentle but honest, but keep it general--not her body specifically: "this issue is affecting my attraction to you. I miss the active, fun, playful, passionate (whatever) woman I used to hang out with". That kind of thing.
2sunny Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 how do u tell someone you just don't feel it any more? I would think she is aware but you tell them with honesty... not in a hurtful way but in order to provoke some change. she cannot be aware of YOUR feelings IF you haven't expressed them clearly to her. do not assume she's a mind reader. be honest. let me ask - are you attracted to another woman besides your wife now? be honest here.
scatterd Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Does she have health problems a woman looks as good as they are made to feel she may be depressed If she met someone that showed interest Im sure she would feel good and want to look better.Why are you with her?Could you not help her by doing things she may enjoy or paying for her hair a nails to be done.Have her learn to eat right out of love.Hike with her walk with her take romantic showers help her to feel better and attractive and see what happens.Good Luck
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Does she have health problems a woman looks as good as they are made to feel she may be depressed If she met someone that showed interest Im sure she would feel good and want to look better.Why are you with her?Could you not help her by doing things she may enjoy or paying for her hair a nails to be done.Have her learn to eat right out of love.Hike with her walk with her take romantic showers help her to feel better and attractive and see what happens.Good Luck No one takes people at their word.... And usually females on LS..... If there was an issue I'd expect the OP to tell us or the whole thread is useless...... He did not. To me it is pretty simple, he wants to grow and has kept himself in shape and attractive..... Now I hope he has also grown as a person, in his career, in his knowledge and on and on.... He posted or intimated she has not and as usual the women are looking for excuses for her. Not the first time. Now as I said in my first post, he could be a narcissitic jerk, but he has written nothing yet to confirm that.
2sunny Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 need thoughts from men and women the other night I was chatting with a woman co-worker (been friends for years)- We were flirting so to speak and then she asked what i was "doing" at home.... Feeling comfortable enough with her I manned up and said i was enjoying some alone time.- She became very interested then... I got brave and told her I had a webcam- She asked if she could watch and I became excited beyond belief at that thought- So I plugged in camera and let her watch me "take care of business"- It was extremely hot- Is this behavior "OK" for a middle aged man or "weird"- Ladies- does this sort of thing do anything for you?? i never did anything like this before here is a thread the OP started in Jan, 2010. looks like he may have a good reason to think his wife isn't adequate. also Todd wrote: as usual the women are looking for excuses for her Todd - i don't look for excuses for anyone. ever. please don't use such broad brush strokes. from where i stand it appears the OP is the one looking for excuses to justify his bad behavior. how about SOME feelings for his wife? how about some feelings for doing the right thing in life?
xxoo Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 here is a thread the OP started in Jan, 2010. looks like he may have a good reason to think his wife isn't adequate. The op has started threads dating 4-5 years back on the same issues of the wife gaining weight, and the wife not caring about things in general. And now the op is cheating This marriage needs a serious shake up, and last ditch effort to put it on the right track. Marriage counseling, stat. Confess all sins. Decide if you want to make it work or not, and then do the work with a counselor--or call it quits.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Skinut...this isn't one of those situations where if 'you have nothing nice to say then keep your mouth shut'...trust me..if your wife ask you "does this outfit make me look fat?"..and you just give a little smile:lmao: and turn away..NOT GOOD!!!!...LIE to her..or break it gentle..chances are she knows by now how her body looks and isn't a happy camper either.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 when they are blunt. What he is doing now does cast a negative light, but does it take away with how he feels???? I really do not know the answer.... And no I do not approve of it (find it pretty disgusting imo)....
2sunny Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 How do you tell someone? in light of things - i think the least of your worries is telling your wife she is fat. you need to be honest about cheating on her. are you still playing peek a boo with the co-worker now - or has it escalated since January?
2sunny Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 when they are blunt. What he is doing now does cast a negative light, but does it take away with how he feels???? I really do not know the answer.... And no I do not approve of it (find it pretty disgusting imo).... you also jumped to a HUGE generalization that women here make excuses for each other. some of us women in the world have never been anything but skinny - and would never be fat or criticizing anyone else for the type of body they do or don't have - excuses or not. don't say all women here make excuses because we all don't.
Author skinut2234 Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Let me clear a few things up- I'm not cheating on her- yes I posed that question on LS a while back but it never went anywhere and I got my head together. I've since put more focus on myself and getting things situated at home. I'm far from perfect and yes I do look at other women (if that is a crime than so be it) I've tried a lot of things to ensure I stay "attractive" in many ways to my spouse. She has taken a different approach in that I need to accept her as "She is"- So if I don't I'm in a lose-lose.....?? I can't help how I feel and decided it's best to be honest about it. I don't do everything right- and have tons of faults... but i really feel she has given up on herself...... I've tried to be supportive.... tried to engage 'walking" etc etc..... I'm just tired and honestly don't think things are ever going to change......
xxoo Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Let me clear a few things up- I'm not cheating on her- yes I posed that question on LS a while back but it never went anywhere and I got my head together. ...... So, you didn't pull out the webcam and use it? If your wife did exactly what you did, would you consider it cheating? Or are you saying that you cheated, but are not cheating? As for the question in your thread, this is your first thread here on LS, in May 2004. But you've been having sex all these years? And there has apparently been a lot of sexual interest at work over the years... I don't know who has the bigger issue--you or your wife. I'll believe she's fat, but so what? It hasn't exactly kept you from having sex all these years. You are right about two things: you aren't perfect, and she isn't going to change on the physical front. I bet she has a laundry lists of ways she accepts you "as is", even if you are physically fit. Accept her or move on. It isn't going to change.
Author skinut2234 Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 xxoo- whats with the attack? No I did not use it- and I have not cheated on her- do I think about other people? absolutely- do I fantasize about other things...... yes- I've always been honest. I do those things because I am dis-interested in her- If that makes me a bad person- than so be it......Where did this accusation come about me having sex all these years? I have not had sex with anyone except her and admittedly don't enjoy it- You need to be careful before you all accuse me of doing something I have not done. I thought this was a good place to be upfront and get advice....not attacked.
2sunny Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 (edited) xxoo- whats with the attack? No I did not use it- and I have not cheated on her- do I think about other people? absolutely- do I fantasize about other things...... yes- I've always been honest. I do those things because I am dis-interested in her- If that makes me a bad person- than so be it......Where did this accusation come about me having sex all these years? I have not had sex with anyone except her and admittedly don't enjoy it- You need to be careful before you all accuse me of doing something I have not done. I thought this was a good place to be upfront and get advice....not attacked. you posted a thread that stated you masturbated to a woman you work with - while she watched. that is cheating. since you don't know how to be honest with yourself - much less others - why would we assume you could be honest with your wife? i'm left to believe that you are seeing the gall from work on some level - and want to justify your bad behavior by placing blame on your wife for not living up to YOUR expectations. divorce her. it's only right that you stop judging and torturing her in order to make it ok to do what you do. ok mr. perfect - look in the mirror and see who you really are - NOT who you PRETEND to be. tell her SHE deserves better... because she does! good luck. the bolded items are YOUR blatant lies based upon the words you previously typed - in Jan, 2010... Edited May 12, 2010 by 2sunny
xxoo Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 You need to be careful before you all accuse me of doing something I have not done. I thought this was a good place to be upfront and get advice....not attacked. I'm only reading what you've posted. Other than the webcam incident (in which you said you did let her watch), I didn't mean to imply you are having sex with others. I just clicked on your profile stats/"threads started by skinut" to get a fuller picture. And I am trying to give you useful advice based on your 6 years of posts.
ladydesigner Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I think you should tell your wife that you are not attracted to her physically anymore. How else is she to know. I would definitely emphasize on the qualities you really like about her though. I know if my H became physically repulsive to me I would definitely have problem with that. I also am a workout nut so I understand how important it is to stay in shape, be healthy, and look good. Exercise not only improves physical appearance but also improves with depression and how we feel about ourselves. Is there an outdoor activity you can both start doing together like hiking, biking, golf, etc. Is there anything about her personality that you like that you can focus on more than the physical for the moment?
lexhappy Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I'm not saying every woman is this way, but this is the way I am. I've had weight problems through most of my marriage. When I think that my husband is attracted to me, and loves me no matter what, that's when I try my hardest to eat good and look better. When I think my husband is attracted to every one but me, I get depressed and give up. That's when I gain my weight. You would think it would be the opposite, but it's not. I've also noticed that when I'm unhappy with my weight, I become more negative and so does my husband. It spirals down into this tunnel of negativity from both of us. Lately I've changed my attitude, and I've noticed that it's having a positive effect on my marriage. You can't change your wife's attitude, but you can change yours. If you started loving your wife unconditionally, chances are she would care more about her appearance. Even if you have to fake it at first, act like she's the sexiest thing you've ever seen. You would be surprised at the domino effect it can have. You build up her self esteem, which in turn makes her feel sexier, which makes you see her as more sexy, which makes her want to improve her appearance. I don't know your wife, so I can't be sure if it will work for her, but what you've been doing is not working.
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