Miss-understood Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I posted for the first time several days ago, when i realized I was the OW and double realized the man who i felt was the love of my life was never going to leave. it has left me empty. i have read so many stories who were so identical to mine. he was the "staying for the kids." I had an EA with this man for 3 years followed by the last 4 months of PA. We went on 3 trips together. The last trip he was falling in love with me, and I actually thought if I hung in there, now that he's falling for me, look how far I have come - things would work out. I know they won't. I gave him the best of me, and still not enough. If I was the love of his life, he would not want to keep me a secret, throw me crumbs, put me last. Stolen moments for what? The reality is hitting me, and it is paralyzing. I have decided NC. He sent me a text this morning "I miss you" I immediately deleted. My issue is, I am not telling him my decision for NC, or even that I am doing it. As I am learning - Actions speak louder than words - A part of me thinks I should at least tell him, but that would be contact and I am afraid it would get me back in the revolving door of wasted time, and false hopes. It's time I put myself first. yeah, maybe it is crappy to vanish, but it's the best I can do. has anyone else ever did NC without telling the other person, and just dissapearing?
1Angel Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Good for you finally putting yourself first! You don't owe him NC info or explanation.
joey66 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 He lied to you, so I agree that you owe him absolutely nothing. But that isn't the reason to maintain NC. NC is for you and your peace of mind. If vanishing is what you need to do to move on, then do it! Good luck to you.
MorningCoffee Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 NC is for you, so you can heal. Whether to drop off the face of the earth, or to at least tell him you are going NC, is entirely up to you. I agree that you do not owe him any lengthy explanation. OTOH, you and he were in an EA for some time before it became PA, so you have formed a bond with him. And he with you. I just feel there is no particular reason to be intentionally cruel, which it does seem it would be, if you choose not to even tell him of your decision to go NC. If you are unsure of your own resolve and firmness when you do tell him, you can write out what you intend to say and read it to him on the phone, or even just rely on an email. Just my two cents.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 good thing you are going nc, NEVER get involved with someone else in a relationship again.
sarkandlauren Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I posted for the first time several days ago, when i realized I was the OW and double realized the man who i felt was the love of my life was never going to leave. it has left me empty. i have read so many stories who were so identical to mine. he was the "staying for the kids." I had an EA with this man for 3 years followed by the last 4 months of PA. We went on 3 trips together. The last trip he was falling in love with me, and I actually thought if I hung in there, now that he's falling for me, look how far I have come - things would work out. I know they won't. I gave him the best of me, and still not enough. If I was the love of his life, he would not want to keep me a secret, throw me crumbs, put me last. Stolen moments for what? The reality is hitting me, and it is paralyzing. I have decided NC. He sent me a text this morning "I miss you" I immediately deleted. My issue is, I am not telling him my decision for NC, or even that I am doing it. As I am learning - Actions speak louder than words - A part of me thinks I should at least tell him, but that would be contact and I am afraid it would get me back in the revolving door of wasted time, and false hopes. It's time I put myself first. yeah, maybe it is crappy to vanish, but it's the best I can do. has anyone else ever did NC without telling the other person, and just dissapearing? I just realized that is who I am too. I got a text from him: "Fiance will be playing with my phone this weekend, if you reach out to me, be nice and professional" Ouch.
Fieldsofgold Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I think what you are doing is fine. You have given him enough. You don't owe him anything else. The painful truth is, if he cared THAT much about you, you wouldn't be needing NC in the first place. I am really sorry for all that you have been through. Get and stay angry, if you can. That is helping me. I went no contact, with no explanation. (HE knows what he's done wrong, and why I'm not responding.)
Patrice Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Sometimes NC without informing the other party allows you to free yourself, garner your strength and not have the pressure of someone trying to talk you out of it (which they always do). I did this once when I was in my early 20's with a boyfriend who just was not good for me, but could charm the pants off a snake. Things that help: write in a journal, exercise, see friends, expand your support system, get out and meet new people. AND continue to ignore him for as long as you can. The day will come when he tracks you down, by then you'll be strong enough to know you are moving in the right direction.
Author Miss-understood Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 sarkandlauren: How long have you all been an item? just curious. in the beginning of our PA, well into the EA, my xMM would say things like "resend the text, I always delete them right away, and so on and so forth. I knew he was keeping me a secret. at the time, it didn't bother me. I repeat - at the time - it was in the beginning. pretty soon, they expect you to help them cover their tracks. Once ir truly clicked " i was the dirty secret, i realized how he would never leave, and could not truly love me - to hide me away. in the end, by hiding me, all he was doing was protecting his interest - his wife. at the end of the day, i wasn't worth it. so all the moments, the laughter, the amamzing sex,the trips, talks about nothing, me sharing my most inner thoughts, 3 1/2 years of him occupying my thoughts - didn't matter. no matter how good i f**cked him, always had his favorite food,took the best care of him, always immediatey take or return his calls,made him laugh, showed him a different side of life, in the end it wasn't enough for him to change things.
sarkandlauren Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 sarkandlauren: How long have you all been an item? just curious. in the beginning of our PA, well into the EA, my xMM would say things like "resend the text, I always delete them right away, and so on and so forth. I knew he was keeping me a secret. at the time, it didn't bother me. I repeat - at the time - it was in the beginning. pretty soon, they expect you to help them cover their tracks. Once ir truly clicked " i was the dirty secret, i realized how he would never leave, and could not truly love me - to hide me away. in the end, by hiding me, all he was doing was protecting his interest - his wife. at the end of the day, i wasn't worth it. so all the moments, the laughter, the amamzing sex,the trips, talks about nothing, me sharing my most inner thoughts, 3 1/2 years of him occupying my thoughts - didn't matter. no matter how good i f**cked him, always had his favorite food,took the best care of him, always immediatey take or return his calls,made him laugh, showed him a different side of life, in the end it wasn't enough for him to change things. We're not even together in terms of PA. We've spent one night in bed just cuddling, no secks. Being a dumb woman, i'm emotionally attached. It's been 2 months since then and i've known him for 5 months. We live 5000 miles apart and will see each other 4 times a year at the most. Yes, he always tells me to delete our texts. But not once during this 2 months since we've been together that he admits I'm the OW. I don't think I am? I think about him all the time, but that's my fault. We do send texts like miss you, love you etc, but that's really just flirty. I don't know what to think about this.
fooled once Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 We're not even together in terms of PA. We've spent one night in bed just cuddling, no secks. Being a dumb woman, i'm emotionally attached. It's been 2 months since then and i've known him for 5 months. We live 5000 miles apart and will see each other 4 times a year at the most. Yes, he always tells me to delete our texts. But not once during this 2 months since we've been together that he admits I'm the OW. I don't think I am? I think about him all the time, but that's my fault. We do send texts like miss you, love you etc, but that's really just flirty. I don't know what to think about this. So if you aren't the OW, what are you? He has a fiance, he keeps you a secret, he tells you he loves you Of course you are the OW/mistress.
sarkandlauren Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 So if you aren't the OW, what are you? He has a fiance, he keeps you a secret, he tells you he loves you Of course you are the OW/mistress. You know how people tells you they love you/miss you and it's a different kind of love or just a flirty joke?
Mimolicious Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I just realized that is who I am too. I got a text from him: "Fiance will be playing with my phone this weekend, if you reach out to me, be nice and professional" Ouch. I dont get it though... Dont you ladies know when entering into an A with a MM that you are the side piece? Then when you are treated as is you get all worked up??? I know we are all humans with feelings, I get THAT but it is delusional to not accept your place if that is where you have put yourself! I dont get it... If you wanted to be someone's "One and Only" then get with a single person who is only committed to you!
secretlady76 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 You are doing the right thing and it seems, from what I have read that you have a good head on your shoulders and are taking the sensible option. You know that the longer this relationship goes on, the deeper you'll get in to it, the further you will fall when it all goes wrong (and 9/10 it does, we just all hope we are the 1/10, but unfortunately we're not). NC is the way to go. It is painful at first but it does work and soon you will feel better and look back and think 'what the hell was I doing?!' we all understand your pain. Keep posting here, I promise it helps, especially when you have those weak moments of wanting to contact him, or when he tries to contact you.....
Recommended Posts