melandjar Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Our daughter is 17(18 in September). She recently got back with a boyfriend that hurt her in the past. Over the last couple of weeks........she went to his house after being told to go straight to class and ended up getting a speeding ticket, came home with a hickey on her neck, and is now failing 4 classes. We have taken away her phone, grounded her, and are keeping her from her after-school classes. Are we being too strict? Any other ideas on discipline?
sally4sara Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I don't think you're being too strict, but it might cause them to band together with you as their opposition. After her grounding it done (it'll will make you want to grit your teeth), but you know the old saying about keeping your enemy close? Start saturating the two of them with family togetherness. He is your new best bud. He gets invited to dinner every night, family outings, as much as possible. And anything good old dad is into is now a great way to bond with "your future son-in-law". Till its not fun for him anymore. Till the idea of his young life getting locked down into marriage scares the crap out of them both and she doesn't feel that Romeo and Juliet vibe urging her into his arms. Kill them with inclusion and niceness.
SouthernSunshine Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Our daughter is 17(18 in September). She recently got back with a boyfriend that hurt her in the past. Over the last couple of weeks........she went to his house after being told to go straight to class and ended up getting a speeding ticket, came home with a hickey on her neck, and is now failing 4 classes. How did he hurt her? What did he do?
Author melandjar Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 It was emotionally, she was devestated.
Kenyth Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I don't think you're being too strict, but it might cause them to band together with you as their opposition. After her grounding it done (it'll will make you want to grit your teeth), but you know the old saying about keeping your enemy close? Start saturating the two of them with family togetherness. He is your new best bud. He gets invited to dinner every night, family outings, as much as possible. And anything good old dad is into is now a great way to bond with "your future son-in-law". Till its not fun for him anymore. Till the idea of his young life getting locked down into marriage scares the crap out of them both and she doesn't feel that Romeo and Juliet vibe urging her into his arms. Kill them with inclusion and niceness. Pure genius! Brilliant! Discipline for bad behavior (grades, staying out past curfew, etc.), but try to resist disciplining her for him. She is almost old enough to make these decisions as an adult. Letting her get hurt again is a good way to learn.
LovieDove24 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I love Sally4Sara's idea! It will probably be very difficult though because it sounds like a long-term process and not the short term fix you probably must hope for! I think that making relationship mistakes is a HUGE part of being 17 or 18. It will build her character and there is no way you can protect her from heartache. I think you are on the right track though for grounding her for the poor grades. Quite honestly when I was her age my parents were neglectful and (while I didn't realize it at the time) I was dying to have them recognize my behavior, even if that meant a punishment. I started lashing out and making bad decisions but no one noticed. It wasn't until I was about 24 or 25 that I learned the hard way what personal accountability truly is.
Author melandjar Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 Found out lastnight that the BF is heading to jail for 2 weeks for truancy. She is a lot more immature than I was at her age, but then again I had her when I was 17 and had a parent that was also neglectful when it came to my life and school. I'm trying to do things differently that what my mother did. I understand about treating them like an adult, but how can you when they act like a 10 year old child?
Peaceful Guy Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 She is a lot more immature than I was at her age.. yeah right! that's your perception for sure! maybe maybe maybe.. but (and i don't think this is a bad thing) having a child at 17 is not the most mature thing someone could do.. again, i think its fine.. but a little of that understanding for her wouldn't hurt. Found out lastnight that the BF is heading to jail for 2 weeks for truancy. well, kids can be idiots.. and 2 weeks in jail for truancy (skipping school) is ridiculous. I'm trying to do things differently that what my mother did. I understand about treating them like an adult, but how can you when they act like a 10 year old child? treat with respect. she's not really an adult yet. if it helps, think of her as a very mature, well rounded person.. with raging hormones. also, back to the original post.. i don't think you did anything wrong.. i think her punishment was totally reasonable and in line with what lots of other parents do.. i think the fact that you care enough to question yourself is awesome and that you're probably a really cool mom. that said, she might not figure that out for a while.. at least a couple years? (sorry!) soooo, try and keep a sense of humor when she gets all pissed at you!
tigereyes1428 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 i think your being a bit too strict as she will want to fight you more - you have to let her make her own mistakes - you can give advice but cant make her take it. you need to keep your relationship with her great - one she wants to nurture and if that means accepting the boyfriend then so be it - she chose to see him again - it was her he hurt - she is almost an adult - she can leave home and marry him if she wants - dont force her away and give her room to breathe when you have kids you always think that the baby stage, sleepless nights etc are hardest but really this part and having to let go is the hardest ever x
Eve Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) Our daughter is 17(18 in September). She recently got back with a boyfriend that hurt her in the past. Over the last couple of weeks........she went to his house after being told to go straight to class and ended up getting a speeding ticket, came home with a hickey on her neck, and is now failing 4 classes. We have taken away her phone, grounded her, and are keeping her from her after-school classes. Are we being too strict? Any other ideas on discipline? Discipline is important but I would say that your girl needs someone to talk to and probably have a cry with right now.. My youngest daughter needed the same recently in a simular situation. I was unable to fully do this because as messed up as my former life was.. I never took any crap and have always been the dumper. In the end I shipped my daughter off to my sister, who thankfully has stopped being a bitch of late. The change in scenery really helped her and they have done a good bit of bonding which has been good to see... I think that removing the phone was enough but I am not sure that it was an age appropriate punishment. I cant say anymore than this though because you know your daughter better than me. .. but try and just be there for her. My daughter joined the great Eve tradition of trying to find peace in yourself before all else and dumped her boyfriend in the end. Hubby and I had really liked the boy as well and feel glad that we had followed advice from here given by Ronni to allow her to 'home date'. All in all, it has been really rough on her to break up with this person and one month later she is still shaky but overall keeping the boy close made it easier to get some 'Lady Ga Ga' tickets back that we had purchased that he would not give back to my baby... so it was all worth it! Speak to her. Help her to have a change of scenery and if you are not the right person for her to talk to - find someone more appropriate. But yeah.. always hit young peoples technology as a punishment. Its like legalised child abuse in their mind.. but dont do any of it to scare or make them submit. Do it as part of an emotional or existential challlenge. Thats what we are trying out with our lot and it seems to be working. Chin up! Remember what you were like at that age and take time with your baby. She is your baby forever and no exam, boy or anything else that comes along should ever get in the way of that.. Take care, Eve xx Edited May 14, 2010 by Eve
Cassablanca Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. When I was 16, I was dating a guy my parents never met for a year and 3 months. He broke my heart a few times, not to mention he hid the fact he was using heroin and he was constantly getting into trouble. At the time, I found his bad boy image very attractive. However, I didn't know about the heroin until his family got in touch with mine and they separated us. I was grounded and so on, I wasn't allowed to see him anymore. I thought I was in love and cried for days, saying that he was my best friend and how could they do this to me! I'm 23 now and looking back, there is no question they did the right thing. I can't believe I was ever with him and thought I was in love, considering I know what love is now with my current boyfriend of 5 years. I'll admit that consequently, there were some really painful years where I avoided my parents and never opened up to them. But I can happily say now (and its taken quite some time), that I fully respect and understand why they did it. I know they love me and want to protect me. And there are no more barriers between us. I was about 21 when I felt this. I also noticed that my friends were reporting the same thing with their parents. I truly believe that after the teenage years, there is a period where children learn to understand and appreciate what their parents have done, particularly in this day and age where children are doing drugs/having sex/getting into trouble younger and younger.
turnera Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 You will want to talk to her. A LOT. Talk to her about your life. Talk about other people's lives. Talk about mistakes people made. How they fixed them. Options people have. People who choose the wrong kind of guy, and how they end up getting out of bad relationships. She will soak up this information; most kids learn their belief system from listening to their parents. If you want her to believe what you believe, say it out loud. You will want to tell her that she can tell you ANYTHING and you will not judge her or punish her for telling you the truth. Unless it's illegal, of course. She needs to know that YOU are the one person on earth who will protect her no matter what, not judge her, not criticize her choices, EXPECT her to try things out and make mistakes (and learn from them), and still love her. You need to become her safety net. You will want to tell her that actions and choices have consequences. If she's failing 4 classes, she's probably doing drugs. You'll want to tell her that failing four classes means that you, as the parent, have to step in and find out why. That's your job. It's not your job to be her friend (she needs to hear that from you); it's your job to TEACH her how to make responsible, adult decisions so that, in a couple years, when she's on her own, she can learn from you and make smart decisions, too. Therefore, you will have to give her consequences, such as you described, so she can learn that she has full ability to make her own choices, but with those choices come consequences. Right now, YOU are choosing her consequences for her; later, those consequences will come from her boss firing her, or her school kicking her out, or the police arresting her. So, best to learn the easy ones, now. In other words, use logic. Explain that it's your job to teach her to think for herself, but to do it smartly, so that she always ends up benefiting, not fighting all the consequences she heaps up on herself. We asked our DD19 once about a year ago why she was never getting in trouble like most of her friends (grounded, etc.) by doing stupid things. She just shrugged and said "Why would I want to do something I know I'm going to get punished for?"
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