Lauriebell82 Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 SO i just started dating this girl. We met through a mutual friend. she is really cool and we have a lot in common. I really am starting to like her a lot. I am 24 and she is 25 yrs old. We both just got out of big relationships about 6 months ago. Well, I went out the other night and I heard some of her friens talk about her and they basically said she has slept with a lot of guys. This was kind of a shock to me and it bothers me a little. Also I found out that even one of my friends had previously hooked up with her a while back. I don't know what to do. should I confront her about all of that or just leave it in the past? It really doesn't bother me that she has been with a lot of guys, i think I am upset because now I don't feel that she is a "Special" girl anymore. If anyone has had a similar situation please leave feedback. thanks. So she has to be practically a virgin to be "special" to you? Honestly, I think that her past is just that..her past. She is dating you now, and unless you think that she could possibly cheat on you then I would either get over it or move on. Confronting her will piss her off. You said that it bothers you she slept with a lot of guys in the beginning of your thread, then at the end you said it didn't. Which is it?
sagetalk Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 1.) That is ridiculous. You're jumping back into the 17th century because you're scared of getting hurt. To PROVE she finds him special, the only way is to eliminate having any other man in her past? YES he's supposed to believe he's special because she says so! A person's words and actions are the only true indicator of special interest- sex doesn't make a difference. Someone can lie about their feelings regarding someone whether they've had sex with 100 people, or none. And by saying that having sex with very few other people is the only true indicator, means you are placing a disproportionate amount of credit on sex. Sex does not implicate positive or negative feelings all over. It's involved, and it can influence, sure- but it does not determine a person's feelings either direction. 2.) You're trying to claim that having sex has the result of emotional instability, reoccuring past boyfriends and other negative consequences. I could make the same argument that someone who used drugs in their past will likely: be emotionally instable, have negative influences return in her life, maybe aquire a disease--- but MAYBE, she just dabbled with marijuanna. You don't know the real situation here, or how extreme it is. Neither do I, so I'm suggesting the most rational plan of action for the OP is to look at her on other levels: mentally, emotionally and physically. Is she healthy? 3.) I'm saying it's POSSIBLE, and on some accounts- LIKELY, but not at all dependent on someone's sex life. My best friend has had a few ONS, and she is confident, loyal, intelligent and overwhelmingly, relationship material. I think he SHOULD care, but it's not an instant hell-no-no-go. 4.) You cannot determine how special you are to someone, based on their number in the sack. Use common sense, science, whatever. Maybe she hasn't found someone she actually really LIKED before this guy. Number of people someone has slept with, doesn't change how they feel about a certain person. Sure, a virgin who sleeps with her first will probably be more attached, but this applies only if you're going to depend on naivety and being sheltered to have a good, mature relationship. 5.) And this girl DIDN'T sleep with his friend. This girl slept with HER friend, who happens to be friends with the guy she's seeing now. That is bad luck, that is unconvenient... but don't act like the girl went behind the OP's back and slept with his BF. I'm sure she would prefer this not to be the case, as well. 1.) What do you have against the 17th century, I'd say many of those people were alot smarter than people walking around today? There is good and bad in every time period. You're being silly by using extremes. This girl does not sound like a "only had sex in a serious relationships" girl, it sounds like she likes to mess around with alot of guys. Does that make a guy feel not special, yes. 2.) No, again you're using extremes. I'm claiming having sex with alot of different males leads to emotional instability. Someone who has used drugs alot is in the same boat. I don't know for certain how many guys she's been with, but the higher the number, the more flags that it raises. 3.) You're sticking up for your friend (like you said you would) so you're not a good person to get advice about her from. You would say she is great regardless of who or what she is. This is reality, I would want to know the truth, not an automatic "she's great!". 4.) The biggest way a girl shows you that you are different, you are her man, you are special to her in a relationship, is that she is sexually intimate with you. If she does this with guys she's not even serious about, it really shows that she has no idea how to make a guy feel special. Words alone are not enough, actions have far more weight. Not at all virgin girls are naive. They know what they have and they know what they are offering the guy that does have sex with them. It is very valuable even though our modern day society has cheapened and mercilessly ridiculed it. 5.) Regardless, he's hearing that she sleeps around and he even knows a guy she's slept with. To me, this is bad news for a LTR. To the OP, you make the call it's your life. You're a grown man and you know the consequences and potential gain or lose. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
Yamaha Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 It's a double standard because many women's standards are incorrect, and they have no idea how to pick a life partner. Many women view the number of women a man has slept with as a positive (that's why it's rarely mentioned negatively). To me, this is completely ridiculous unless they are just looking for a good time. The more sexual partners someone has had, the less special you are to them. It's just common sense. This guy has every right to be worried, I would be. And if you're looking for a life partner, it's a good idea to find out if it's important to you. Amen, bro. OP, take this advice unless u have slept with lots of women (which makes u a hypocrite).
sally4sara Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 1.) What do you have against the 17th century, I'd say many of those people were alot smarter than people walking around today? There is good and bad in every time period. You're being silly by using extremes. This girl does not sound like a "only had sex in a serious relationships" girl, it sounds like she likes to mess around with alot of guys. Does that make a guy feel not special, yes. 2.) No, again you're using extremes. I'm claiming having sex with alot of different males leads to emotional instability. Someone who has used drugs alot is in the same boat. I don't know for certain how many guys she's been with, but the higher the number, the more flags that it raises. 3.) You're sticking up for your friend (like you said you would) so you're not a good person to get advice about her from. You would say she is great regardless of who or what she is. This is reality, I would want to know the truth, not an automatic "she's great!". 4.) The biggest way a girl shows you that you are different, you are her man, you are special to her in a relationship, is that she is sexually intimate with you. If she does this with guys she's not even serious about, it really shows that she has no idea how to make a guy feel special. Words alone are not enough, actions have far more weight. Not at all virgin girls are naive. They know what they have and they know what they are offering the guy that does have sex with them. It is very valuable even though our modern day society has cheapened and mercilessly ridiculed it. 5.) Regardless, he's hearing that she sleeps around and he even knows a guy she's slept with. To me, this is bad news for a LTR. To the OP, you make the call it's your life. You're a grown man and you know the consequences and potential gain or lose. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. I would think, being honest, being able to agree on boundaries that both find acceptable, sharing thoughts and ideas about life goals, building new experiences together, and showing appreciation would be how he can know he is special to her. Sex - you can have that with anyone and still not be able to do the things I listed for someone, but the things I listed can be ways of showing someone they are special EVEN WITHOUT SEX. NO, no what you're talking about it what someone who can't stop thinking they have been outshined by a woman's past partner(s) thinks about. A STD test eliminates infection concerns for a man - tho not always for a woman because somethings they have no test for men to verify by. And people in the 17th century (why is this even being argued?!) were not more intelligent than they were today - they didn't even know what germs were, sold their children to merchants, and the average life span was 35.
homersheineken Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 It's a double standard because many women's standards are incorrect, and they have no idea how to pick a life partner. Many women view the number of women a man has slept with as a positive (that's why it's rarely mentioned negatively). To me, this is completely ridiculous unless they are just looking for a good time. The more sexual partners someone has had, the less special you are to them. It's just common sense. This guy has every right to be worried, I would be. And if you're looking for a life partner, it's a good idea to find out if it's important to you. Give me a break. Me being special to somebody is based on how I treat them and has zero to do with with how other people treat them or have treated them in the past.
marsle85 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 1.) What do you have against the 17th century, I'd say many of those people were alot smarter than people walking around today? There is good and bad in every time period. You're being silly by using extremes. This girl does not sound like a "only had sex in a serious relationships" girl, it sounds like she likes to mess around with alot of guys. Does that make a guy feel not special, yes. What do I have against the 17th century? Maybe the fact that this exact conversation reflects their views. That women are viewed as "emotionally unstable," "disease stricken," "dangerous" and "unsuitable for longer term relationships" when they have a healthy sexy life. Continued, that women who (even practice safe sex) emasculate men because the woman won't feel her significant other is special, well- because she's shed her innocence and now she's only a void looking to be filled. The desire to feel "special" reflects YOUR insecurities with the relationship, not hers. You describe how multiple sex partners will respond in a woman's emotional problems and self-esteem issues, but to expect a woman to have a certain amount of sex partners so you can feel "special" reflects your emotional and self esteem issues. 2.) No, again you're using extremes. I'm claiming having sex with alot of different males leads to emotional instability. Someone who has used drugs alot is in the same boat. I don't know for certain how many guys she's been with, but the higher the number, the more flags that it raises. I agree with this, that makes complete sense. Her situation raises flags, correct... but does not imply that she's not relationship material OR emotionally instable. You should be advising the OP to look out, not drop her. She very well can be normal, and if anything- sexually confident and sure of herself. 3.) You're sticking up for your friend (like you said you would) so you're not a good person to get advice about her from. You would say she is great regardless of who or what she is. This is reality, I would want to know the truth, not an automatic "she's great!". He was not, and should NOT have been asking her friends for advice in the first place. Secondly, if it weren't for her friends- he wouldn't have found out this information! They were wrong to say what they said. 4.) The biggest way a girl shows you that you are different, you are her man, you are special to her in a relationship, is that she is sexually intimate with you. If she does this with guys she's not even serious about, it really shows that she has no idea how to make a guy feel special. Words alone are not enough, actions have far more weight. Oh. My. God. The biggest way a woman can show you you're special and important to her- is to have sex with you, and only have had sex with you? Please reread what you wrote, it's outdated and very short-sighted. Not at all virgin girls are naive. They know what they have and they know what they are offering the guy that does have sex with them. It is very valuable even though our modern day society has cheapened and mercilessly ridiculed it. I respect the choice virgins make. I have a friend who is waiting until marriage, and I find it to be a valuable, and worthy decision. I think it's just as respectable as choosing to have sex. Do I think she is more valuable than me? Because I've had sex? No. You clearly do. You can look at the situation in the exact opposite direction- a woman who chooses to have sex with people she feels comfortable with, knows what she wants and pursues it. It's possible she isn't looking for a long term relationship. You are claiming this girl has "extreme" sexual tendencies, but I think it's a reflection of your "extreme" expectations regarding women and sex. For the benefit of women, and your sake- I think you need to reevaluate your views. They're not realistic or fair. Ideally, your partner should be mature, intelligent, courageous and independent. Likewise, she should not be too impulsive or risky. A tilt in either direction is dangerous, in my opinion. I want my guy to live in the modern world, carry significant expectations for himself and myself- but to experience other things, and other people before me. I want to know he's the right man for me, because yes, i've been around the block and I know what's good when I see it. This is what will tell me he's worth my time, and vise versa. I'm not looking for a fairytale, or an arranged marriage. It's going to work because it just works- and because we're both mature adults who have lived. Furthermore, I am a real woman who wants a real man.
hats Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I think people who take sagetalk's POV start losing the debate when they try to justify why girls with low numbers objectively make better girlfriends. You can't really say a girl who's been around will make a worse partner, I think Marsle's post explains pretty well why. But the thing is you don't really need to win that argument. Why can't you just say you don't like girls that have had a lot of sex partners. Like saying you don't like chocolate ice cream. Everyone has different tastes and different values, different things are important to different people, and it's mostly just arbitrary. Personally I don't think I would feel comfortable being in a relationship with a girl with a high number, that's just how I feel. I think that's how a lot of guys feel, but instead of just accepting it they feel the need to come up with after-the-fact justifications for their preferences and end up with some bad arguments.
MrNate Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Well Mr. Deuce, I hope you were able to find the information you needed. As you can see, 95% of threads on here usually turn into gender battles. The other 5% will snap at you for your views for whatever reason. This is a big problem on this site. So aside from all the silly debating on here, my answer to you would be to assess what's important to you in a partner. Your views matter more than any of ours on this situation. If you feel uncomfortable being with this girl, then don't pursue anything. And don't feel bad about it, because you deserve to find someone you're comfortable with. If you feel comfortable around her, and feel like something could be there, then pursue it if the feeling is there. Just follow your gut, Deuce. Best wishes, MrNate
Mr White Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 What do I have against the 17th century? Maybe the fact that this exact conversation reflects their views. That women are viewed as "emotionally unstable," "disease stricken," "dangerous" and "unsuitable for longer term relationships" when they have a healthy sexy life. Continued, that women who (even practice safe sex) emasculate men because the woman won't feel her significant other is special, well- because she's shed her innocence and now she's only a void looking to be filled. The desire to feel "special" reflects YOUR insecurities with the relationship, not hers. You describe how multiple sex partners will respond in a woman's emotional problems and self-esteem issues, but to expect a woman to have a certain amount of sex partners so you can feel "special" reflects your emotional and self esteem issues. I agree with this, that makes complete sense. Her situation raises flags, correct... but does not imply that she's not relationship material OR emotionally instable. You should be advising the OP to look out, not drop her. She very well can be normal, and if anything- sexually confident and sure of herself. He was not, and should NOT have been asking her friends for advice in the first place. Secondly, if it weren't for her friends- he wouldn't have found out this information! They were wrong to say what they said. Oh. My. God. The biggest way a woman can show you you're special and important to her- is to have sex with you, and only have had sex with you? Please reread what you wrote, it's outdated and very short-sighted. I respect the choice virgins make. I have a friend who is waiting until marriage, and I find it to be a valuable, and worthy decision. I think it's just as respectable as choosing to have sex. Do I think she is more valuable than me? Because I've had sex? No. You clearly do. You can look at the situation in the exact opposite direction- a woman who chooses to have sex with people she feels comfortable with, knows what she wants and pursues it. It's possible she isn't looking for a long term relationship. You are claiming this girl has "extreme" sexual tendencies, but I think it's a reflection of your "extreme" expectations regarding women and sex. For the benefit of women, and your sake- I think you need to reevaluate your views. They're not realistic or fair. Ideally, your partner should be mature, intelligent, courageous and independent. Likewise, she should not be too impulsive or risky. A tilt in either direction is dangerous, in my opinion. I want my guy to live in the modern world, carry significant expectations for himself and myself- but to experience other things, and other people before me. I want to know he's the right man for me, because yes, i've been around the block and I know what's good when I see it. This is what will tell me he's worth my time, and vise versa. I'm not looking for a fairytale, or an arranged marriage. It's going to work because it just works- and because we're both mature adults who have lived. Furthermore, I am a real woman who wants a real man. Blah, blah, blah, There is much simpler argument here, which is simply that it is a lot harder to believe that a woman with many partners all of a sudden magically will transform into a life-long monogamous partner than a woman who has, in fact, a record of some restraint. You may call it an insecurity, but whatever, it is still pretty hard to make the case that after being into the habit of screwing a new squeeze every few months for years, the transition towards lifelong monogamy will be natural and effortless. Also, anecdotally from my experience women with less partners do - on average - manifest themselves as better girlfriends and wives. Source: friends' experiences, my present and past girlfriends.
norajane Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Blah, blah, blah, There is much simpler argument here, which is simply that it is a lot harder to believe that a woman with many partners all of a sudden magically will transform into a life-long monogamous partner than a woman who has, in fact, a record of some restraint. You may call it an insecurity, but whatever, it is still pretty hard to make the case that after being into the habit of screwing a new squeeze every few months for years, the transition towards lifelong monogamy will be natural and effortless. Also, anecdotally from my experience women with less partners do - on average - manifest themselves as better girlfriends and wives. Source: friends' experiences, my present and past girlfriends. Do you believe this applies the same to men as well? Or just to women?
D-Lish Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Do you believe this applies the same to men as well? Or just to women? Just what I was thinking. OP- don't confront her. If a guy confronted me about something like this, I'd never feel the same about him. Firstly, I'd be embarrassed, secondly, I would just think less of him for listening to gossip and pinning it on me. Once you confront someone, it's tantamount to accusing them. How can she truly defend herself against gossip once the seed has been planted and the damage is done. People talk out their asses a lot of the time. I remember in highschool I made out with a guy at a party and he told people that we slept together- and it got around... The next thing I knew, I had a "reputation"- despite the fact that I was a virgin and had never even seen a guys penis at that point. A couple years ago I turned a guy down with regard to dating him and I found out a bit later he had told everyone we had been dating and sleeping together when it wasn't remotely true. People spread gossip and stories- always take that kind of information with a grain of salt.
Mr White Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Do you believe this applies the same to men as well? Or just to women? Yep, i feel that it probably applies regardless of gender...
sagetalk Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Oh. My. God. The biggest way a woman can show you you're special and important to her- is to have sex with you, and only have had sex with you? Please reread what you wrote, it's outdated and very short-sighted. I never said being a virgin was how you show they are special, but having fewer partners does. This is exactly how you show a guy he is special. That is not outdated, it is current, it is showing him respect and worth. You are giving him something that you see as valuable, and only a few guys could ever get it. Those are the two most important things to a man, particularly respect. When a woman cheats on a man sexually, it is the biggest blow to his respect that can be dealt. It should be avoided by men at all costs. Not getting into a LTR with loose women is a great start. If you don't understand what I'm saying, then read this article from AskMen. It will help you greatly in understanding men and LTR's. You are only cheating yourself by mocking this mentality. This is how most men feel, in fact, it's how almost all LTR qualty men feel. So if you want a LTR with a quality man, this is your reality. http://ca.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/42_dating_advice.html It is humourus to point out that I am insecure by thinking this way. The reality is a girl that sleeps around is one of the most insecure people on the planet. She is not strong, she is weak, gives into desire easily, and probably has low self esteem. That's the exact reason why many of them are sleeping around in the first place. They want to feel pretty, wanted, accepted, strong, and sex gives them that easily with little effort. Rather than fulfilling this need in a healthy manner (a real relationship), they just sleep around because it's easier.
sagetalk Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Do you believe this applies the same to men as well? Or just to women? This has already been explained countless times. Women place a higher worth on men that have a lot of partners. Men place a higher worth on women with few. How is that a guy's fault? I think men are much smarter in this regard. If the hottest women ranked virgins as the greatest men to date, then guy's would stop sleeping around and start acting like virgins. It's a guaranteed reaction, I'd bet a million dollars on it. Women don't talk about number of sex partners because men view it as bad "slutty". Men talk about sex partners because women view him as great "successful". It's really that simple.
ADF Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Confront her about what? She's slept with other men. No doubt you'e slept with other women. She's done nothing wrong. Leae it alone.
sally4sara Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 From the article: An object that has value is worshipped, respected, cherished, and shared with very few deserving people. As soon as you start sharing that object with anyone and without care, the object starts to lose value. The more people use the object, the more it depreciates and the less bargaining power it has: this is a plain psychological fact of life. Then these things have no value: men, women, internet, oil and fuel, bread, water, movies, batteries, children, and music - hell almost everything anyone uses on a daily basis have no value. Women are not objects for use. They are people and you interact with them. Even if I were a virgin, I'd find a guy who thinks this way to have a mental defect in like being a sociopath; confused that they and other men are the only REAL people. I thank Tesla everyday that I did not marry one of these men. It is a disgusting mentality. That you can screw any willing and still think you are entitled to something valuable. That sex is the only thing of value you seek in a relationship and everything else a woman brings to that relationship is nonpareil and incidental. There is nothing humorous about that article.
lofi_tokyo Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 This has already been explained countless times. Women place a higher worth on men that have a lot of partners. Men place a higher worth on women with few. How is that a guy's fault? I think men are much smarter in this regard. Women don't talk about number of sex partners because men view it as bad "slutty". Men talk about sex partners because women view him as great "successful". It's really that simple. I can't speak for all women, but speaking from my own experiences, when a guy boasts about all his past partners its kind of a turn off. I like a guy with some experience, but if he's slept with a ton of women, I'll admit, it makes me a little insecure. I try not to care though, because I want to appreciate the person I'm with while I'm with them, instead of focusing on their pasts. <<< And to the poster, I think that is the key here. My partner kept bringing up previous casual relationships he's had, and the numbers I was putting together in my head was making my skin crawl. Then I realized - who cares? He's good to me, I'm happy here and now, so I got past it (or am working to do so).
lino Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 You don't often see women posting threads like this. It's such a double standard!!!! That's true you don't often see women posting threads like this. Infact you never see it and that is for a very simple and obvious reason... Women prefer guys who've slept around much, much more than they do guys with little to no sexual experience. Most men don't want a girl that's slept around a lot as a serious partner. Most men don't care how desirable a woman is to other men... They just care that she turns them on and is pleasant to be around. The same can't be said of women. There is no double standard at all. I might add that some girls go thru a phase that I'll call situational promiscuity(SP). Meaning that something happens in their life--for a lot of women it's divorce but it could be brought on by something else. They go out and have a lot of sex w/in a short period of time, and then back off from that b/c they realize how stupid and empty it makes them feel. I would say that this is true for the majority of decent women who have a "history." The true sluts will show themselves within a short period of time. If this woman was acting out on SP, then that will not take away the specialness of you at all. This sounds about as credible as all the sex addiction crap I hear thrown around a lot now... Just a term made up so people can avoid having to take responsibility for their actions. If a man or woman ever goes through a period of promiscuity then it's an action they chose to take and they have to deal with whatever consequences come with it. Do you believe this applies the same to men as well? Or just to women? I believe it should apply to both men and women definitely.
Els Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 This has already been explained countless times. Women place a higher worth on men that have a lot of partners. Men place a higher worth on women with few. How is that a guy's fault? I think men are much smarter in this regard. If the hottest women ranked virgins as the greatest men to date, then guy's would stop sleeping around and start acting like virgins. It's a guaranteed reaction, I'd bet a million dollars on it. Women don't talk about number of sex partners because men view it as bad "slutty". Men talk about sex partners because women view him as great "successful". It's really that simple. Uh, I've no idea where you're getting your info from? I don't think the majority of women prefer guys with 'many sex partners'. It's just an ego trip thing for some guys, something to boast about to their buddies - not gf. It is correct that most women prefer not to have 'virgins', but we certainly don't go for the guys who have the HIGHEST number of 'sexual experiences' either. And if men are going to prefer virgins - well, they're merely shooting themselves in the foot, unless they themselves are willing to wait for marriage. If they prefer women with small numbers, they better be prepared to at least wait a few months, too. Pure logic, dudes. How does a woman have a low number of past partners? By not sleeping with guys easily. And that includes YOURSELF. Are you seriously expecting a woman to be a virgin but yet find you so very irresistable that she gives it up to you on the 3rd date, instead of making you wait like all the other men before?
lino Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I don't think the majority of women prefer guys with 'many sex partners'. Not from what I've seen. How does a woman have a low number of past partners? The same way a man with a low number of past partners does... Choose carefully who you sleep with! It's not hard at all. I don't have a high amount of past sexual partners IMO and I've never made a woman wait to have sex with me. I just was careful in chosing the ones I wanted to sleep with.
Els Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 The same way a man with a low number of past partners does... Choose carefully who you sleep with! It's not hard at all. I don't have a high amount of past sexual partners IMO and I've never made a woman wait to have sex with me. I just was careful in chosing the ones I wanted to sleep with. If you notice very carefully, that was a rhetorical question. Your answer is indeed what I said. It's just that many men seem to not realize the implication of this answer on THEM in their quest for the 'pure virgin who will instantly turn into a sex kitten during the first week with them'.
marsle85 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I guess it's just a darn inconvenience biology hasn't programmed women to enjoy so many pleasures. I'm not going to argue the value of having low-sex partners, because as another post has previously mentioned: it's preference, and one is entitled to their personal ideals and desires in a partner... but let's get real. Don't blame STDS, past abortions and partners from the past as your justification. You want a woman with less mileage. Yet, I do have a problem with Sagetalk's association of his feelings of being "special" and her low number of sexual partners. A person's sexual past is certainly an indicator for their future, but to me- has no relation to how SPECIAL you should feel. You're not cutting yourself, or the relationship enough slack by implying your feelings are directly correlated to her low level of sexual partners. Surely, there is value in choosiness- emotional and physical value... but I don't think you even recognize what you're implying. Your approach deems women as objects, and I know you all grow tired of this speel- but it exists. How many references do you hear according to her "mileage"? The woman is being compared to a CAR. I'm going to give you an example in a language you apparently understand. Consider. Logically, a person wants a new car because there will be less problems, less repairs, and will be able to pursues a longevity that spans past the life of an old car. If a person logically wants a new car just because it makes him "feel more special," and "worthy"-- and not because of the qualities of the car itself, that person is making a judgement based on HIS own desire to feel good about himself, not the car itself. So, provided that the woman fulfill your needs emotionally, mentally and physically... the fact she has had other people in her life knocks down her value. And ask yourself why. Because you want to fill YOUR void, not hers. You're the one lacking the esteem, and feel good factor. And that represents your neediness and materialism... not the girl.
harmfulsweetz Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I don't think a woman or a man should ever feel guilt/shame/apologetic about their past because it is just that: the past. I will never justify my number to a man, why? It's absolutely nothing to do with him past the point of sexual health. Provided I'm std free (which I am) I'm good with the past. I can look in the mirror and say I'm happy with it. I think men are strange in that they seek out relationships with women who are inexperienced (on the most part) and whine because they aren't so good in bed, but whine when a woman has experience because she has too much. Of course, I'm not implying for a woman to be good in bed she has to have slept around, not at all, but on the most part, a woman with more sexual partners will have obviously more experience, thus making them slightly better. On the most part. Men place this importance on sex that just isn't really there. If a man can have sex with random women without emotional connection or value on that 'encounter' it begs to differ that women can too. Course we can, I can have ONS, FWBs etc and when I'm in an R with a man, that man will be as important to me and special to me as ever, in fact, I think I would appreciate him all the more because of the other things he provides in my life. I'm not promiscuous by anyone's standards, although I've been called a slut, a slag, etc, simply because I have had sex outside of a relationship. I wouldn't call six over six years a lot. But meh. It depends how you view it. It does depend on what you seek in a relationship. But if rumor and a number can instantly make that woman not special to you anymore, I'd wonder how special she was in the first place. If it wasn't this that did it, it would be something else. Insecure men and women always find something else. As a woman, I want a man who is comfortable in himself to know and understand that my sexual history is in no way a reflection of my feelings for him, just as I'm sure, most men want women to be accepting of their past too. You can't undo what is done, you can only be the best person you can be now, you can take what you've learned from past experiences and apply it to the present, you can't ever wipe a slate clean and start anew. If men actually reevaluated what is really important about a partner, they would see that sexual history really doesn't and shouldn't apply, or only as far as sexual health is concerned. But it must be noted that you can catch an STD simply by sleeping or coming into contact with one person, similarly you could sleep or come into contact with 100 people and never catch a thing. It's how it works. Course the higher the number, the greater the risk, but there's always a chance. The only thing we can do to decrease that is to take the necessary precautions, it is our duty to ourselves and our sexual partners to practice safe sex.
norajane Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 It's just that many men seem to not realize the implication of this answer on THEM in their quest for the 'pure virgin who will instantly turn into a sex kitten during the first week with them'. I've always wondered if there are longer term implications as well. There are a LOT of threads here about men who aren't getting enough sex in their marriages, men who aren't getting the "exciting or adventurous" kind of sex they want after marriage, men whose wives have completely lost interest in sex, who don't like sex, who won't have sex with them for months at a time, or who won't try new things. I wonder if these men married the "pure" women, and are seeing the results of doing so...less sex, or less adventurous sex, after marriage. At least you know a "promiscuous" woman actually likes sex to begin with, so maybe won't choose to stop having sex after a few years of marriage. I have no idea if there's a correlation. But it seems reasonable to assume a woman who likes having sex before marriage, will like having sex after marriage. But I know there are a lot of factors that go into choosing to have many or few partners before marriage, as well as in the quality and frequency of sex after marriage, so it's probably not a big factor either way.
Engadget Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 My reason for not wanting sex with a girl who "gets around" revolves around STD's. I will never get an STD, and I'm going to make damn sure of that. Always wearing condoms doesn't protect from oral herpes, etc. etc. So if a girl is making out with everyone, I'm wary for that reason.
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